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selfish or malicious?


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I was talking with my sister yesterday about ex-loves and she brought up something that makes me wonder about everyones opinion on ENA. Basically, we disagreed over the NC rule after a break-up...she's for it and I'm against it.


Her thought is that many of the people that she has dated over the years are basically selfish people who are unwilling or unable to give themselves to relationships. She described them as manipulating and malicious people who don't deserve our friendship after a break-up.

"You get burned enough times and badly enough you'll realize that NC is the only way to heal yourself"


I agrued that just because someone is selfish or self-centered does not necessarily mean that they are mean or evil people. I don't think they mean to hurt others but it's just a side effect of their own selfishness. Everyone should be given the benefit of the doubt because everyone can be selfish from time to time. And I am of the opinion that forming a strong friendship after the sex is gone helps in the healing process.


She says they're evil and doesn't want anything to do with them after a break-up.


Would love to hear comments on this.

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I believe all four possibilities happen:


A can be friends but B doesn't deserve it.

A can be friends and B does deserve it.

A can't be friends and B doesn't deserve it.

A can't be friends but B does deserve it.


It takes all kinds of relationships (and their aftermaths) to make the world go round.

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Each person has to decide for themselves who they want to associate with. To me if there is negative energy associated with someone, then I don't want to be around it. Now some will want to "work through" the negative energy and make it more positive.


I personally say, not necessary. But there is no absolute answer that will work for every person. Each of us are to complex for one answer to fit all.

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NC isn't about rejecting someone because they're 'evil', rather it is a chance to give yourself time to heal and focus on yourself and finding someone new to love.


If you can stay friends with an ex and it doesn't keep you from healing and moving on then that's fine, but eventually you do have to move on. A strong friendship doesn't always help, because it can be very painful to see an ex get a new partner, especially if you want to get back together, and many new partners don't want their own partner to spend a lot of time with an ex who might be trying to get them back again.

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Yes I agree with you that people are selfish. We all fall victim to that. It doesn't mean they are necessarily "evil." However, for those people who can not forgive others for the "evil" they have done, NC is a good option because why would you want to be involved with someone who is selfish.

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I am in favor of NC because..


When I am the dumper, I have no desire to communicate with my now-ex. I broke up with them for a reason.


When I am the dumpee, I get over it faster if I don't talk to them.


To me, it isn't about people being worthy or unworthy of the other's friendship & whatnot. I just don't want to pretend to be friends when there is more to it.

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Yes, we can all be selfish..but some people turn selfish into an art form. If someone is routinely selfish, I don't want to have anything to do with them because I don't care to be used or be their doormat. It has nothing to do with them being evil...it has more to do with wanting a peaceful life with someone and not having to constantly watch my back. Some people can be friends with an ex, some can't. Some ex's may have behaved in a selfish manner towards the end of a relationship but aren't actually routinely selfish people...some exs have always been selfish. It is up to each individual what they are willing to accept in a friendship and what can slide off their back.

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I'm not against your POV if you're still in school or a small community where you need to cross paths with an ex a lot. But personally, I'm with your sister on making my own private 'no friends' rule on exes. They're eXes for a reason.


That's not hostile, BTW, it's just true. I don't feel venom or hurt toward them, and while I understand it's popular to try to appear mature, I'm done with that--I've already earned maturity.


I think of befriending exes as wanting things two ways, and there are all kinds of head-gamey consequences that aren't worth the price unless there are children involved.


My best,


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