What should I do? Help!!!!!

[nowonder]

My girlfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago, the first ten days apart, I felt okay considering the situation. But after that point, I've been going completely crazy.

 

In the beginning, I was doing pretty good, I thought about places we went together, things we shared, etc, and it only killed me for a couple of days. Then I was sure that I would just get over her and find somebody new when it came time.

 

Since then, I've been overthinking everything. I can't seem to get my mind off the situation, and all I can think about now is wanting to get back with her and what I could've done to prevent the breakup from happening. What is my problem?

 

Here is the story:

 

We were dating for about twenty months and things had gotten pretty serious. It was my first serious/long-term relationship. My first love if you will. During the relationship, I can feel things going downhill but I refused to let go. For the last nine months or so, things were pretty stressful because I had injured my back and was dealing with everybody from my job to doctors to the government. The bad thing was that I took most of it out on her, and the wear became unbearable. One night, I was really angry about something and decided I needed to take it out on her, I began spouting off about things about her and the apartment we lived in that I didn't like. I talked about not feeling comfortable there and that I missed my family, then I said her feet are really nasty and the way she wiped them on the sofa and stuff was gross. She was extremely hurt by that, she said it reminded her of when her ex left her and didn't give any closure. I felt terrible.

 

For about 1 1/2 to 2 months after that incident, her feelings began to drift away. She was falling out of love with me. Finally it was communicated to me that she did not feel the same way anymore. I think most of the problems were that she started doubting our future together and found that it would be very hard to maintain a relationship with someone so different.

 

She wanted a simple life and to move to Virginia after getting her teaching degree/certificut. I wanted a financially independent life with cars and houses and a lot of possessions. I kept telling her that we could find a middle line and follow it. I was confident in what I was doing and wanted to do, she felt like she couldn't support me for what I wanted to do and was passionate about.

 

She thought I wouldn't be happy moving to Virginia with her. But I would've been happy being wherever she was. About three months before the split, she told her parents and friends that she wanted to be with me for life, I just wonder how you could go from having those kinds of feelings to feeling like you have to split from a person.

 

I realize now that I have been in a destructive routine for the last six months or so and now that I have realized my problems and attitude, I don't want to be that way anymore. I actually haven't forgiven myself for a lot of the things I've said and done to her. At this point, I still love her. And she told me that she will always love me, but probably not in that way.

 

My question is, should I at least try to ask her to come back, or should I just let things go and mope around for a couple of months before I get over it?

 

I've been reflecting a lot over the last couple of weeks and realize that I want her back in my life, and at the same time, if I don't at least try to get her back, I might be left wondering what would've happened. But please give me all the advice that you can give me.

 

Sorry for the long post here, but I had a lot to get out.

[SapphireNoir10]

You made mistakes and so did she.

 

You could try reading the thread I made in my signature mainly because I was in a similar heartbroken situation when I wrote it.

 

But basically, you have to accept things are how they are. Stay no contact and allow yourself time to heal

 

Of course its going to hurt, you just have to get through it.

[catfeeder]

What an excellent post. I wouldn't rule out that you may have another chance with her someday, but I wouldn't pursue anything right now.

 

I'd consider time a healer, and I give her plenty of it to do just that. Maybe in a few months I'd ask to speak with her, but I'd keep my agenda simple and be careful not to over-reach. My only goal would be to explain in the same heartfelt way that you wrote in your post how you understand your mistakes--and I'd lay them out as clearly as you wrote them. Then I'd tell her you don't expect to be forgiven, but you just want to let her know what you realize and apologize.

 

Then leave it at that.

 

If she ever softens enough to contact you after that, then you can let her drive the thing while you discover where she wants it to go. If not, then you've done the single most important thing you can do for another--you've understood.

 

I wouldn't press to get back together because you're not the one who ended the relationship, so that needs to come from her. Otherwise you'll never feel confident that she truly overcame her aversion--which can only make you insecure, which drives people to come out sideways and ruin things.

 

So just give her time, then meet her half way.

 

In your corner.

[nowonder]

here is the thing, she told me that she has forgiven me for everything that I've done, and I admitted that a lot of these things were crazy and were done under stress and sometimes nothing more. She even offered to keep in touch and be my friend whenever I felt up to it, I was the one that said I couldn't handle being her friend. I did tell her that she could give me a call when she is feeling a little stressed about something(other than a guy) sometime in the future, to this, she said that she will respect my space and I would be the one that has to contact her if I would like to. I still try to forgive myself for all the crazy things that have happened, it takes a person that is very patient to be able to take all that verbal abuse and still wanna stay with me, she took it for a very long time before letting go. I just realize that I've been such a jerk and crazy stressed out maniac. I forgot what was important to me and I didn't realize it until it was too late. I know things happen for a reason, but sometimes I wish things like this didn't happen to such a great person, especially since I'm the one doing the bad stuff. I feel lost without her, and I know that I wanted to put so much into the relationship that I sometimes gave parts of myself. I was willing to do pretty much anything to make her stay with me, but one thing I couldn't stop was my angy stressful ways. I guess everybody has their limits and this is a lesson learned. I think my problem with everything is that I can't seem to let go of not being able to go back and undo everything that I regret doing. I know it's not possible, but I can't help but feel incredibly guilty and hurt. Another thing is that I don't even want to think about her being with somebody else, it kills me. Also the thought of not being able to talk to her or see her again is sometimes a killer for me also. Can somebody tell me how I can forgive myself for the wrong that I've done and finally move on?

[Luke Skywalker]

It seems that your lack of self-control has fatally reduced her interest level in you. If she fell out of love and doesn't see you that way again, then by the books that means it may have gone below 51% which is the point of no return.

 

In the future, either take anger management courses, or learn to discipline yourself to avoid a future tragedy. This reduces a woman's interest level in you.

[nowonder]

I had to go and exchange a few things that I left over there with a few things she left here, so last night I went and had a very long talk with her. We talked about everything from future plans to fears and getting back together. It turns out that she still loves me in the lover way, she just sees that we are in two different places in our lives and that we may not be able to be together. Here are the reasons: She feels like she is ready for the passions that she has been driven by to come out and take action. She sees that I may not be ready for my career goals and things like that. I told her that there are a lot of couples where the man or woman is working in a career job, and the other is going to school to be somewhere their passions lie. thereforee, they are in two different places also here. The other thing is that she says that her passions will clash with mine and being in this relationship will make each of us give up too much of ourselves. Which I have explained to her that I accept her for being herself. And that our passions are different, but will not collide just because we want different things, doesn't mean that we can't share other things in our lives together. My question is, shouldn't the fact that you love the person be enough to make things work? I still love her. She told me that she loves me with all her heart.