Having some inner conflicts...

[latitudezero]

So I haven't posted on ENA for a while, primarily because I have been in a very good relationship for the past 10 months or so. In the past week however I have started hanging out quite a bit, more or less by chance, with a mutual friend that my girlfriend and I share.

 

It all started because we were first mistreated by the same professor, and kind of bonded over those experiences, and then we have also been spending a lot of time in the same computer lab working on papers late into the night.

 

So the past 3 nights I have stayed up working until about 4 or 5 in the morning, and she has been there each night. As it turns out, this girl is incredible. Apart from being incredibly beautiful, we share so many things in common that my current girlfriend and I simply do not have. We have similar career goals, we both want to travel around the world, we both do quirky things imitate animal noises. Talking late into the night we have both shared with one another some of the deepest and darkest secrets we have. We just talk with each other in way that my girlfriend and I never have (My girlfriend isn't the best communicator in the world to begin with).

 

On several occasion she said that while she loves my girlfriend I should also keep in mind that there are other people out there. She has also given what I consider to be a few hints that she is interested in me.

 

Now I am all conflicted inside. My current girlfriend is great, she treats me extremely well. She truly accepts me for who I am and never judges me. But I can tell our lives are going down divergent paths (we are both finishing our Master's degrees and have very different career goals in mind). Also, I am actually started to feel very attracted to our mutual friend with whom I have been spending time with. I mean everything between us has been very innocent, but I still feel terrible about all this.

 

On the one hand I feel like I have actually met someone who I have a very deep connection with, while on the other hand I am actually with someone who treats me well (which I think is a rare thing in this world given my past relationships). I honestly do not think I will leave my current girlfriend or anything like that, but I am just very conflicted right now and needed to tell someone about it, and I know you guys are just about the best listeners in the world!

[SapphireNoir10]

It may be a connection with this other girl , but it may be primerily a friendly attraction. You might not work with her as a couple. It is normal to feel attracted or enjoy the company of someone else, as long as you dont act on this attraction.

 

I think that it would be silly to throw away a great realtionship merely for the thrill of this new one.

[jettison]

I think that when we want someone else, we start providing this imaginary slate of evidence that we can produce to ourselves and also to the outside world in order to lessen our personal guilt.

 

Your girlfriends different career goals, for example, are suddenly this huge deal for you now that you're looking for excuses to cheat on her or else dump her altogether for her friend. Rest assured, if your career goals with your girlfriend were currently identical, the little screws in your mind would keep turning until you came up with still more compelling "evidence" that you could call on as support for not being with her anymore, and instead being with the new person.

 

So, you're in the "gathering evidence" stage of either cheating or breaking up. All of a sudden, all of these super important reasons are going to become visible to you, and you will magnify them until you are able to completely justify your actions. That's how it works.

 

How do I know? I've been there.

[nutbrownhare]

For now - don't do anything! You're in a really good relationship with someone who loves you, AND you have a friend with whom you have a great connection, share all sorts of stuff and so on.

 

The way you describe the feelings for your friend sound like the starry-eyed sensations we have at the start of a relationship, where the other person can do no wrong, is everything we've ever wanted - and we haven't seen their feet of clay. Hang on in there, and your feelings will become more manageable in time.

 

I've been in a situation where my feelings for a colleague were so strong that I was worried they would affect my long-term relationship, but in time they died down to a more sensible, realistic level. Though I still really liked the guy, and under other circumstances the relationship might have panned out differently - who knows? The reality was, that I was already involved. As you are. Incidentally, there is something about the bond that happens when you work all night with someone - this, too, passes in time.

 

If there are already serious cracks between you and your girlfriend then being attracted to somebody else will widen them. However, it doesn't sound as though there are. And often people can be more open with friends (or indeed in new relationships) because there's less of a commitment and being open and vulnerable is less threatening. For example, I've seen many threads on here where someone is wondering what's happened to the great connection they had at the start of the relationship ... a few months down the line.

 

So, for now, don't do anything. Enjoy your relationship, enjoy your friendship. The course of action you need to take will make itself very clear in time!

[blue69]

Honestly you can ALWAYS find someone better. Someone who is better looking, understands you better, more in common, whatever. So do you keep picking and searching? There is a point you make a decision. You decide that other people may be out there, but it doesn't matter. You make a choice and you enjoy the ride together with someone by choice.

 

Tell this "mutual" friend that you appreciate her feedback but you are quite happy with your relationship. If things ever change and your relationship ends.. then you can reconsider what else is out there.

[jettison]

Honestly you can ALWAYS find someone better. Someone who is better looking, understands you better, more in common, whatever. So do you keep picking and searching? There is a point you make a decision. You decide that other people may be out there, but it doesn't matter. You make a choice and you enjoy the ride together with someone by choice.

 

Tell this "mutual" friend that you appreciate her feedback but you are quite happy with your relationship. If things ever change and your relationship ends.. then you can reconsider what else is out there.

 

 

If anyone is under the delusion that they will find some special person to "complete" them, then there will always be someone "better" on the horizon. Otherwise, if they live in a reality-based world, then there will always be someone "different" if that's what they choose, but no one actually completes anyone else.

[blue69]

My wife completes me. I guess I am delusional. lol

[savignon]

First of all, your interactions are not "totally innocent" if she's telling you to consider other girls (her). Sounds like she's interested and if you're interested to and willing to lose your girlfriend and her friend is also willing to lose her as a friend, then I guess do what you want to. Out of kindness you should not cheat on her....break up with her first and be HONEST...tell her you're interested in her friend. Otherwise she'll find out eventually anyway and OUCH...what a heartbreak!! Actually, there's no way to be kind with that kind of information. But don't cheat...break up first.

[jettison]

My wife completes me. I guess I am delusional. lol

 

Yes, you are... but long live delusion!!!

[Maya_A]

I don't think it was having integrity or very kind at all of this mutual friend to "hint" that although she loves your GF, there are other women out there... That tells you at least one thing right there.

 

And only when the nitty gritty of a relationship is being lived out, can one see what the true relationship energy would be like. This is really unknown with the friend, and you seem to have something/known with your current GF that you are happy with.

 

It's easy to build up fantasy or "grass is greener" thinking when spending many late nights alone together with someone who is physically attractive. I would put a stop to to the late night alone labs together as well.... I think this is asking for "delusions" that might only bring trouble.

[afrodite79]

It doesn't sound like you have any problems in your relationship with your GF. Finding someone who's accepting, non judgemental and caring is what most people dream of. It's hard to come by. Other than feeling like you and your GF are different paths career wise is there anything else about your relationship that you have doubts about? The things you have in common with the other girl don't seem that significant. If you're feeling so conflicted just stop hanging out with her alone. If your GF gets wind of any of this she will not be too happy.

[laisla]

put more energy into your gf and less with that "friend". give your gf in the priority and if you decide you still want to be with her, then stay with her. keep yourself out of situations where you may do something that jeopardizes the relationship.

 

many people find themselves attracted to others even while in a relationship. but, a relationship comes with choices. you can choose to not hang out with the other girl, and strengthen your relationship instead.