Why does it take you to get caught to realize it was wrong?

[yeawutever]

Ok with so many stories lately and on another site where one guy's g/f had to actually witnessed him screwing another woman yet she still took him back, I was like ugh, ewwwwwwww. Then you hear other stories about the SOs finding out through e-mail addresses or diaries, someone else telling them etc. It's a sad thing we don't hear to often those that actually confess without having to be pressured into it, but out of pure guilt.

 

Once they get caught up or discovered then do they start thinking about working on the relationship/counseling. Why? Why not before?? Is it that they wait to get caught up and like the attention??? At least if it was me doing it, I would be woman enough to admit to it and face the music.

[Raistlin]

I wish a girl I was with would get over her ex because of his cheating.

 

He has cheated on her over 9 times (possibly 12, due to new info) and has taken him back EVERY TIME. She is now engaged to him.

 

She was broken up with him for ~1.5 months, and dated me for just over a week. Then she left me and went back to him.

 

Yesterday she called me after a few messages back and forth and claimed she wants to be my friend. HA. She also claimed that I had a fair chance to be with her. HAHA.

[yeawutever]

I wish a girl I was with would get over her ex because of his cheating.

 

He has cheated on her over 9 times (possibly 12, due to new info) and has taken him back EVERY TIME. She is now engaged to him.

 

WOW, unbelievable!!!!! How pathetically stupid can that be?? Some people just don't seem to have a spine these days.

[Cognitive_Canine]

They know it is wrong before hand.

 

However, they do it anyway.

[yeawutever]

They know it is wrong before hand.

 

However, they do it anyway.

 

Then I'm guessing they must be seeking some drama. Well see that suppostly remorseful guy in the story stated how he went on for 2 damn whole weeks with other woman and had it not been his g/f walking in on him then my guess is he would continue that for how long, weeks months, years????

[Karmageddon]

They know its wrong....if they didnt think it was wrong, they wouldnt keep it a secret! LOL!!

 

I told my now ex husband from day one, do not ever cheat on me, I will leave you. So he cheated on me many times and finally got caught. So I kept my word and left. He was shocked, hurt, betrayed, I never loved him blah blah blah....its all part of the selfishness that goes along with behaviors like that. Wanting your cake and eating it to.

[midnightrambler]

Then I'm guessing they must be seeking some drama. Wee see that suppostly remorseful guy in the story stated how he went on for 2 damn whole weeks with other woman and had it not been his g/f walking in on him then my guess is he would continue that for how long, weeks months, years????

 

no bigger thrill than doing something you are not supposed to do and not get caught

[yeawutever]

True, they basically want attention and by allowing them back, you are basically telling them ''It's ok what you did, I accept that behavior''. The sad thing is they can get to do it again, yes there are exceptions, few that got caught actually can learn from it but that's very rare nowadays with computer and internet sources.

 

It's a good thing you left him, many in marriages are staying for the kids' sake, what a horrible excuse. Kids can tell when someone isn't right with their parents.

[yeawutever]

no bigger thrill than doing something you are not supposed to do and not get caught

 

Yea, kinda reminds me of the cookie jar episode. Basically your mother puts like 10 cookies and you take them one by one. You're in your mind thinking ''Damn I'm sooo lucky'' and bang, one day your mother happens to forgotten a her car keys and catches you stealing them.

 

Or you get away with stealing the cookies but little did you notice that your mouth is dirty with the cookies' leftover esp. if it was chocolate.

[midnightrambler]

Yea, kinda reminds me of the cookie jar episode. Basically your mother puts like 10 cookies and you take them one by one. You're in your mind thinking ''Damn I'm sooo lucky'' and bang, one day your mother happens to forgotten a her car keys and catches you stealing them.

 

Or you get away with stealing the cookies but little did you notice that your mouth is dirty with the cookies' leftover esp. if it was chocolate.

 

i was thinking more like trespassing into a condominium complex and using the hot tub at 3 am drinking Coors with a a few chicks

[Karmageddon]

i was thinking more like trespassing into a condominium complex and using the hot tub at 3 am drinking Coors with a a few chicks

 

Well if the chicks live there....then you are a guest! You may need to think of something even more extreme! I mean if thats even possible! LOL!!

[Botched]

That's funny.

[SapphireNoir10]

People who cheat are generally

 

1. Lashing out because they are unhappy with the relationship but wont end it

2. Enjoying the thrill of being secretive

3. Cannot be happy with one person

 

In some rare circumstances people may fall in love with someone else. They should tell tehir existing partner before they get physical or cheat.

 

My uncles cheated on my aunt their entire relationship and she forgives him every time, shes more miserable without him than with him I guess.

 

I wouldnt accept cheating. The second I found out I'd dump them

 

I take the idea of a relationship incredibly seriously and breach of trust is the end to me.

[mrmaximum]

Just my hypothesis.

 

All the things stated are of course correct, I also think that certain rules which we live by become skewed during an affair. Yes they don't want to lose their first life, the primary more important one, but now they have this second one, a more exciting one which becomes more of a focal point to them. They are not allowed to cross and this simply what the case is a this point. Not getting caught so their fun ends is more important than getting caught and the hurt which will be caused to the whole family.

 

It's almost like temporay insanity, it isn't as if most people don't know how these situations usually end, but for whatever reason, they feel the need to go out and 'self serve' so to speak, thinking that they are the ones that won't get caught. They are special for whatever reason and they deserve this for some reason or another. As a spouse, you are no longer the one they love, just the one that they have to fool so they can see the one that makes them melt, or shiver, or something. Whatever they can do to keep you in the dark. Because if you find out, the fun ends. I think that may be the reason why when they are caught and they are remorseful, they feel lower than a pregnant ant for getting caught up in the whole thing and then wonder how in the world they could even have thought the way they did about things.

 

Then the fun they had wasn't worth the pain that you are now in and will be in for years to come. They feel stupid because they knew that this would ultimately lead to pain for both of you, but at the time, all they could focus on was the pleasure they where having. Back to reality so to speak.

[blue69]

There is no simple single answer to this. People cheat for a variety of reasons. People take them back for a variety of reasons.

 

Trying to understand why someone only expresses guilt after they get caught? Why would they express it before then? It could very well have been eating away at a person internally but they had to keep it in check, keep it inside. Some people realize it is a bad and hate to admit that they did something like this.

 

Some people will try to work on a relationship once they realize the significance of their behaviors and its ramifications. Honestly why does it take a DUI or 2 or 3 to get some people to finally realize they have a drinking problem. Or why it takes losing a job to realize you shouldn't be coming in late to work every morning. Some people dont get the ramifications until they are faced with them directly. Wrong or right.. it is not unusual human behavior.

[macualayfan]

Once they get caught up or discovered then do they start thinking about working on the relationship/counseling. Why? Why not before??

 

I understand what you are trying to say and perhaps I can explain this better as this is coming from someone that cheated on an ex last year, was in almost exactly the same position as the guy in story only in my case I never had sex with the other guy. He actually wrote it here at ENO and it took me a very long while to tell my version of the story as well (did not want people here to start flaming me if I had told it early). We did try working it out afterwards but it went worst than before as he cheated as well and put no effort into it. Ironically after begging and crying so much the first time to be taken back, the second time it was rather me dumping him, going NC on him. Haven't heard from him since and don't plan to.

 

What happens is in that moment of selfishness and insanity is you do not comprehend what you're doing until you realize that you can lose them as a result. When it hits you then is when you know how impacting this can be.