Approaching day 30 NC...getting my thoughts out

[jennamajig]

Needed an outlet today so I am starting this thread to continue my thoughts for the NC Challenge thread in "Getting Back Together." Because, frankly, my thoughts don't belong in that forum and shouldn't be there.

 

Anyone else approaching day 30 and continuing NC into infinity, feel free to post your own thoughts.

 

Today:

As for me...I know I reach day 30 next week. I thought that would be uplifting, but it's not at the moment. I know he's gone, it's over, but the holidays are depressing the crap out of me. I try holiday shopping and it hurts because even though I am not looking all I see are couples. I know Mr. Right is out there somewhere and that God has a plan and I'll meet him when the timing is right, but right now it is easy to feel lonely. I miss the ex as well and look forward to the morning where I wake up refreshed and motivated. The morning is when I have no motivation and depression is the hardest to shake off.

 

Which kills me! I can't be attractive to myself or to anyone else until I get my true self and confidence back. But to be honest, in searching, I realized I wasn't ever very confident until I met my ex. Having love in my life helped better me as a person. Yes, I was a good person before love and yes, I am a still a good person. And yes, I will find happiness, I know, but there is still a little piece of my life missing.

 

I ended what might have been a potential relationship with a nice guy partly because I felt I wasn't ready and didn't want to rebound. Rebounding is my biggest fear - no rebound works out and I don't want to be clinging to issues with my ex. I do wonder if I will not be able to cast the last remains of him until I fall in love again and see that he wasn't the be all-end all. Sounds silly, huh? Like I said, I know I am a good person with a good heart and a lot to give. Just lately, it seems a little hard to convince myself .

 

What does hitting day 30 do for us? Liberate us? Lets us know we conquered something and to continue on ahead. I hadn't been counting until I looked at my calendar yesterday and realized I'd hit day 30 on the day I head home to visit my family for the holidays. A sign letting me know that my family will help on the beginning of the next 30 days?

[hockeyboy]

Hello fellow Bostonian...I think that you should feel you've accomplished something with 30 days of NC. The beginning is always the toughest..and I'm assuming it's easier now to not contact him then it was when you started day 1, no?

 

As far as the tough mornings...do you go to the gym? Could you go in the mornings?

[Robert013]

It is a great acomplishment be proud of yourself. Things will get better. Once we truly let them go it will be better. Have fun with your family over the holiday's. I plan to.

[jennamajig]

Hello fellow Bostonian...I think that you should feel you've accomplished something with 30 days of NC. The beginning is always the toughest..and I'm assuming it's easier now to not contact him then it was when you started day 1, no?

 

As far as the tough mornings...do you go to the gym? Could you go in the mornings?

 

Hi back to a fellow Bostonian. I don't see too many round here...

 

Not contacting him isn't a problem. I don't even have his phone number again and I will not contact him. He gave me no closure and when I tried to get some, he was an ass. thereforee, I have been spending time finding my own closure. Easier said than done, though

 

The gym thing is tough. I used to go every morning I lived with him. Got my butt out of bed at 5:30 in the morning so I would have my evenings free and could come home, make dinner, relax. I made myself go back to the gym a couple of times, but found it didn't give me any of the release it gives other members here. In fact, it reminded me of thinking of him to get through a tough workout. It also left me too alone with my thoughts and more depressed than when I started. Odd huh? I think I may need to switch gyms for a change of scenery; no memories to conquer and a fresh start.

 

One thing I am wrestling with lately isn't him I think. It's loneliness. When I moved out of the apartment I shared with my ex, I moved into my very own apartment for the first time in my life. Before him, I always lived with roommates. The quiet is not my element and though I have my cat and while everyone tells me living on your own is fantastic, I wonder if I made the right choice. I have friends and I have been keeping myself busy 70 to 80% percent of the week. I've also been evaluating my life lately and what I want: now and in future.

 

Through this, I realized one of my goals in life is to raise a family. It sounds so 1950s, I suppose, but I am ready to take on the idea of children. I know I'm still young and I wonder if anyone else my age thinks like this. I also wrestle with the idea of moving back closer to my family.

 

The pain will fade in time and I'm very impatient. Probably even more when you find yourself feeling a little lost in life. Because you just want to skip to the happier days you know have to be ahead.

[jennamajig]

It is a great acomplishment be proud of yourself. Things will get better. Once we truly let them go it will be better. Have fun with your family over the holiday's. I plan to.

 

Ah, letting go is a two step process I've learned. Letting go of the ex, and then letting go of all the hopes and dreams you had or planned with the ex.

 

I know my family will help me through Christmas. Robert, enjoy yours as well and build great memories with your son.

[Robert013]

I hear you on the alone in your own apartment thing but in time I am sure we will come to love it. I have always had roommates or a girlfriend living with me for the past twelve years it is an adjustment. I think it does add to being lonely.

 

I wish i could skip to the happier days ahead as well. But for now all we can do is take care of ourselves and believe things will turn out for the best. Because we know they will.

[hockeyboy]

I would change gym's and see how that works. If it's not working, find something to do in the morning that makes you happy...whether it be the gym, watching a fav show on DVR, a book, a morning walk, breakfast somewhere etc.

 

Good that your keeping busy with friends...I think if you keep up with your friends/hobbies this will pass sooner then you think. Although you're hurting, in all honesty, it sounds like your doing better then most people in your situation. Take solace in that.

 

As far as evaluation your life...that's normal right now...and not really a bad thing.

 

Sounds like you have plenty to do..but perhaps you could pick up a new hobby..or re-discover an old one? Something that can be "yours" and have nothing to do with him. Worked for me.

 

How far is your family?

[jennamajig]

I would change gym's and see how that works. If it's not working, find something to do in the morning that makes you happy...whether it be the gym, watching a fav show on DVR, a book, a morning walk, breakfast somewhere etc.

 

Good that your keeping busy with friends...I think if you keep up with your friends/hobbies this will pass sooner then you think. Although you're hurting, in all honesty, it sounds like your doing better then most people in your situation. Take solace in that.

 

As far as evaluation your life...that's normal right now...and not really a bad thing.

 

Sounds like you have plenty to do..but perhaps you could pick up a new hobby..or re-discover an old one? Something that can be "yours" and have nothing to do with him. Worked for me.

 

How far is your family?

 

My family is in NJ, just outside the NYC area. They miss me and while I love being independent, the break-up kinda just made me miss them a lot lately.

 

My Dad walks 5 miles every morning and when I visit, I usually go with him. I have been debating ending my gym membership and just walking like he does throughout Boston each day. Save me money, probably And it is working for my dad - he looks great lately.

 

I have been going back to church, something I hadn't done in a while. It helps me find peace. I used to sing/cantor at my church in NJ and in Boston, I don't right now. I took 7 years of voice and can actually sing and no one really knows it, lol. My ex didn't even really listen...so I am trying to think about ways to do it. Also, I am hoping to get back into theater in the new year as well. It's a passion of mine.

 

What new hobby helped you in your break-up?

[hockeyboy]

i pm'd you

[Ac143]

I dont really have much to add but I wanted to says congrats Jenna! You have come a long way, might not seem like it right now but you definitely have! Keep it going....

 

Mr. Right is out there...he will come in due time, when you are all healed & ready for new love. After a break up - you always learn new things about yourself - at least I know I always did. Take the time to do what you always wanted...take care of yourself & your heart!!

[jennamajig]

I dont really have much to add but I wanted to says congrats Jenna! You have come a long way, might not seem like it right now but you definitely have! Keep it going....

 

Mr. Right is out there...he will come in due time, when you are all healed & ready for new love. After a break up - you always learn new things about yourself - at least I know I always did. Take the time to do what you always wanted...take care of yourself & your heart!!

 

I have made progress, I know, but sometimes I don't see it. I'm better off, I know, but the loneliness is killing me at this time of year. Sometimes I think I would be more healed if this didn't happen in the fall Holiday season

 

I do hope Mr. Right is out there. I am keeping my eyes open for him even if my heart isn't 100% into looking for him yet. You hear that Santa? I have been a good girl this year so can you find him and stick him under the tree?

[jennamajig]

You know...I had the weirdest dream last night.

 

I was getting married...to someone else that wasn't the ex. And I loved him deeply (I wish I could remember what he looked like, the man himself was only briefly in my dream). But then my ex's mother and sister-in-law showed up to a per-wedding gathering. And it was just...weird. No one knew why they were there, including me.

 

I woke up confused. Anyone here have any thoughts about this?

[jennamajig]

Continuing my own thread.

 

I saw him today. No, not in the way that breaks NC. I was just walking to post office in the student union of the university I work at. On the way I pass a Starbucks and glanced at the line forming there. He was standing in it. I do not think he saw me. I kept walking, went to the post office, and when I walked past it, he was gone.

 

I know this would happen at some point. We work at the same university. It is big, but not that big. I just didn't expect to find myself sitting in my office, crying. I do not know what is wrong with me. It was a stupid glance.

 

Lately I have been wanting him to contact me so I could tell him off. I even thought about what I would say. But would that really make me feel better? No. I just want to be over him because he sure as hell looks like he's over me.

 

Day 26 of NC. I don't count seeing him as breaking it because it was just an accidental glance in passing.

[jennamajig]

Patience tried for the second time today. I went to pick up my pay stub today. My ex's was in the envelope by accident with mine. I took it out of the envelope and returned it the payroll office.

 

Gah! Why when I need to forget do stupid things like this happen on the same day?

[franfran]

Hey Jen.. sorry you saw him. Happens to me from time to time too. It's very surreal, like they are a completely different person that you once knew and now know nothing about.

[jennamajig]

Hey Jen.. sorry you saw him. Happens to me from time to time too. It's very surreal, like they are a completely different person that you once knew and now know nothing about.

 

Thanks, fran. Sad thing is he looked just the same.

 

Today is Day 28 of NC. Two days to day 30! Still not feeling too accomplished about that, though.

 

I'm at home by myself and the snow is coming down. And I'm down. For the last couple of days I've been missing my ex more than I had in ages! I wrote about seeing a glance of him, the check mix up and I dreamed of him again. He had white hair started at 26 and in the dream his hair was almost all white, yet he hadn't aged. I was kissing him and it was wonderful.

 

I've had some slight urges to contact him again, but they aren't anything I can't reason away. I don't even have a phone number.

 

Some days, moving on seems great. Other day, there is something holding me back and I'm sure it is just me. He ain't coming back, he's never contacted me, unlike many of the people here. I guess I just blame Christmas...it's hard. I am going home to see family in two days, so I tell myself, make it two days and then you will be surrounded by family and it will be okay. You will be okay. Day 30 will be different.

[franfran]

Hi Jen! You will be okay The dreams are tough, I have them just about every night too, but I guess it's just another one of those things we have to let fade as time goes by. Sometimes I wish we could just turn our dream centers off, ha.

 

I'm sorry you're at home by yourself with the snow keeping you in. I'd say go take a walk but you would probably freeze to death! I hope your christmas with your family is well-spent. This time of the year is tough, but at the same time, heartache in itself is tough no matter what time of the year it is. At least we are surrounded by people who actually love us.

[jennamajig]

Hi Jen! You will be okay The dreams are tough, I have them just about every night too, but I guess it's just another one of those things we have to let fade as time goes by. Sometimes I wish we could just turn our dream centers off, ha.

 

I'm sorry you're at home by yourself with the snow keeping you in. I'd say go take a walk but you would probably freeze to death! I hope your christmas with your family is well-spent. This time of the year is tough, but at the same time, heartache in itself is tough no matter what time of the year it is. At least we are surrounded by people who actually love us.

 

Very true. Or at least I will be surrounded by then tomorrow. I just hate being sad at Christmas. Christmas is about new birth, not pining and endings.

 

Today is day 29. I had stopped counting at one point and sometimes I feel I was better off two weeks ago. Now day 30 is less than 12 hours away and I feel depressed.

 

I am going to see family, home really, tomorrow. I just talked to my mom on the phone and she is in a similar depression. She told me she felt like crying and couldn't get into the Christmas spirit and she didn't know why. All I could say was I understood her feelings 100%. They mirror my own lately.

 

I think I realized something. This is going to take a lot longer than I thought. I don't even think dating is helping anymore. I am sick and tired of feeling depressed or sad. Everyone says you are the only person that can stop it and sometimes I can. Sometimes I can move on for a few hours, a few days, and I'm okay. Not great, but okay. Then something happens and I miss the ex. Find myself wondering if he'd ever reach out. Trying to accept he never will. I gave him space and am trying to use that space, NC, to get over him.

 

But love is something you can't just shut off. It is times like this that I wonder if I will still be trying to get past this six months from now, a year from now. And how I still hurt when he may just be fine. I have no proof of how he is. Sometimes I tell myself awful things to shock myself into looking ahead. Saying things like "he threw you away" or "he doesn't care about now, he probably never did" and "he probably has someone else and is happy." But that just tortures myself. We had two years together. If he's right and we are too much the same, he's hurting just as much. But thinking about it hurts that I just try and forget. And that is what may be getting me into trouble. Not mourning, just doing everything right to move on without feeling.

 

If you love someone let them go. If it was meant to be, they will return. Or something like that. I can't even remember the right saying ](*,).

 

Time, I guess. Back to time. Perhaps time is the only thing that will help me find true healing and happiness.

[franfran]

 

If you love someone let them go. If it was meant to be, they will return. Or something like that. I can't even remember the right saying ](*,).

 

Ditch this...it is seriously not helping.

 

 

Time, I guess. Back to time. Perhaps time is the only thing that will help me find true healing and happiness.

 

I agree! Find it within your heart to feel better Jen.. I know it's hard but you can. You can because you think you can.

[jennamajig]

I agree! Find it within your heart to feel better Jen.. I know it's hard but you can. You can because you think you can.

 

Thanks, fran. It is hard. At Christmas, it is even harder. Maybe I just need to get past the holidays to find my mind in a better state. New year is a fresh start.

 

So...it is officially day 30. I did it. And NC will continue beyond it. No counting anymore, because you can't count up to forever.

 

I wish I could say I felt accomplished and healed today. But I don't right now. I'm on a bus back to NJ to visit family (gotta love Boltbus and their wireless internet) and while I am looking forward to seeing my family, I find myself today just feeling empty. I'm not crying, I'm just here. Existing, I suppose.

 

It seems each day I get closer to Christmas, I miss my ex more and more. I hope the New Year can help me leave that feeling behind. Like I said, I won't contact him. He choose to leave, so he can see what it is like. I can only work on me and looking straight ahead, one day at a time.

 

To all of us hitting day 30 around the holidays - Even though I don't see it now, when I look back someday, I hope I find that this was simply a turning point.