It's like taking care of another child

[metrogirl]

I know I have posted before about my mother. She and I don't have the best relationship nor have we had one for a long time. Don't get me wrong, she is my mother but I don't have those feelings that most daughters have for their mother. Our issues date back to the late 90's when my father was seriously ill.

 

Fast forward, my father passed away in 2006 and she was left with nowhere to go. He didn't have any retirement funds, nor insurance so I brought her home to live me with and my children. She has always been a packrat, a compulsive hoarder and not the cleanest person in the world. She has one of the bedrooms upstairs. This bedroom is a common through way to the upstairs balcony so it's not like she can close the room off from everyone else.

 

I went in there yesterday and I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Trash everywhere, dirty towels piled up in a corner and apparently the new kitty decided to use this area as well as under the bed as a bathroom. I had been asking her if the kitty was using the litter box and she assured me that he was, only to find out that the kitty box was somewhere on the balcony, empty of all litter and the cat was just going everywhere and anywhere. Things that I have repeatedly asked her to take care of like throwing out the trash and disposing the empty cans of dog food were just ignored. I got mad. My son and I tore the room apart cleaning and disinfecting everything, bagging up trash and trying in vain to bring some sense of order to that room.

 

I'm just frustrated with her. She's lazy. I realize she's older but I still don't see that as an excuse. She decided long ago that work wasn't for her, she survives on less than 200.00 a month from the county, all of which goes to support her ever growing cigarette habit. I have worked long and hard to try and keep a decent roof over our heads. I have raised my kids into decent teenagers and adults and I feel like I am raising a child all over again. There is no other family. We are all that we have, I just feel like she should at least do her part to keep that part of the house clean. I'm not asking for much.

 

I guess this is more of a rant than anything else. ](*,)

[Loki71]

Maybe it's time to lay down the rules one more time and let her know if she can't follow them then she can't live there?

[metrogirl]

Maybe it's time to lay down the rules one more time and let her know if she can't follow them then she can't live there?

 

That's the thing, she wouldn't have a place to go at all. I feel like I am obligated. My dad used to worry about her. He would often tell me before he passed away, to make sure my mom would be okay since he wasn't going to be around to help her anymore. I would be letting my dad down if I put her out which morally I couldn't/wouldn't do anyway. *sigh*

[Loki71]

Maybe start charging her a cleaning fee

[metrogirl]

Maybe start charging her a cleaning fee

 

after the sweat I broke last night cleaning that room, it's probably not a bad idea. LOL

[lostandhurt]

Wow!

Maybe you have a point here. If she acts like a child even though you shouldn't have to treat her like one maybe that is exactly what you should do. If your kids don't take care of their animals and let them poop and pee everywhere then the cat goes!.

If you cater to her she has no reason to change does she? Your house, your rules no exceptions. You shouldn't feel like this in your own home. Losing control of parts of your life is very bad for your well being.

 

lost

[metrogirl]

Wow Metro, that is tough. I know she is your mom and it is hard to pull a mother role on your mom but she IS acting like a child. I would take EVERYTHING from her room, but her bed and her clothes. If she can not look after the cat then it goes to someone who can. She has to realise living like that is NOT healthy and a danger for everyone.

 

I told her last night as well as previous times that I can't live like that. I was raised as a child in that type of environment and while I don't keep an immaculate house, it's not dirty. It took me a long time to break that cycle, I would see my house getting out of control and I would snap back into reality. I don't ever want to live like that again. I almost felt a certain panic last night.

[lostandhurt]

Damn Vic,

You and I are thinking alike now....

 

scary

[Mythical_Suicide]

Wow Metro, that is tough. I know she is your mom and it is hard to pull a mother role on your mom but she IS acting like a child. I would take EVERYTHING from her room, but her bed and her clothes. If she can not look after the cat then it goes to someone who can. She has to realise living like that is NOT healthy and a danger for everyone.

 

 

I agree with Victoria, she wants to act like a child treat her like one.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, can't imagine how stressful it'd be ((Hugs))

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Actually, she survives on your income and your kindness, not $200/month since you house and feed her.

 

You need to establish some healthy boundaries since she is abusing your kindness by taking her in. I agree that she needs to either start cleaning up after herself, or give you $50/month in cleaning bill services. If she has to smoke less, so be it. She's an adult and needs to be accountable for her own behavior.

 

If she balks at the $50, then tell her she can start looking for her own place to live and has one month to do so. You need to get accross the point that you are not her provider, maid service, and enabler. If all she has is one room, cleaning it up is a very easy task, and laziness is obviously the problem here.

[Karmageddon]

OOOOHHH....I feel for you here girlie. Your mom is banking on the fact that you would never put her in a home, so she thinks she can do whatever she wants & is really taking advantage of you. There will come a point in her life with you where you will be unable to care for her have you thought about that day? It may be coming sooner than you think. I would be very concerned about her smoking in the house (if she does). My mother used to smoke in bed & had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette more than once. Is she disabled at all?

[metrogirl]

OOOOHHH....I feel for you here girlie. Your mom is banking on the fact that you would never put her in a home, so she thinks she can do whatever she wants & is really taking advantage of you. There will come a point in her life with you where you will be unable to care for her have you thought about that day? It may be coming sooner than you think. I would be very concerned about her smoking in the house (if she does). My mother used to smoke in bed & had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette more than once. Is she disabled at all?

 

Hi sweets! Good to see you back.

 

She isn't allowed to smoke in my house, EVER. There could be snow up to her eyeballs outside and I would still make her go out. I don't think she is disabled other than some arthritis in her hands but she seems to do okay with her needlework. Not sure if that makes her hands feel better or not. Her health, I'm sure isn't the greatest. She has had a 'cold' that she can't shake for I don't know how many years. (smokers cough and lungs).

 

I have wondered what will happen when I am no longer here to take care of her. My children will be left with my insurance money and they have already stated that they don't want the burden of dealing with her. We are all kinda in the same boat here. We are equally frustrated with her lack of motivation to keep an even somewhat clean home. I'm not even asking for immaculate, just picked up and sanitary. What's really odd is, she hates to see dirty dishes in the sink or even in the kids rooms but the rest of the mess and trash in her room doesn't seem to bother her.

[Karmageddon]

HMM....How old is your mom?

[metrogirl]

HMM....How old is your mom?

 

She is 65.

[Karmageddon]

Does she do anything to contribute to the household or is she just being a complete bump on a log?

 

She should be at that age where she gets additional state aid. You may want to talk to her about her living elsewhere with the aid of state resources. I know you won't, but she doesn't need to know that.

 

She knows you have your hands very full & that everyone needs to pull their weight & if she cant even do the minimum perhaps you need to consider an alternate arrangement.... Get some brochures....leave them around the house... Maybe like scared straight for old people.

 

But seriously, does she do anything to help out?

[Merrick]

I think a lot of poeple have to realize that you can't always take the 'tough love' approach to a family member by telling them to do this and that or get out. Sure we'd alll LOVE to tell our family members that from time to time...but all things considered...there is a lot of weight on metrogirls back...emotional weight. Not only did her dad ask her to take care of her mom before he died, but there's an inate sense of wanting to protect your family and not want to hurt or embarrass them.

 

My mom isn't good with money and my dad just died a few months back...i've had probelms with her not paying her cell phone bill which is in my name...and my friends all think i should tell her to pay up or i'm cutting it off...i dont' think most people realize how much it woudl hurt both of us if i said something like that. My conscious woudl never let me forgive myself.

 

So no advice...just good luck!

[Karmageddon]

I never said throw her out, I said talk about other arrangements. In hopes that she may realize how good she has it & straighten up. No one has carte blanche to take advantage of someone. But she seems to have gotten complacent in the fact that because her dad asked her to be cared for I get the impression that she doesn't do even the minimum to get by. She is only 65 and far from an invalid.

[metrogirl]

Does she do anything to contribute to the household or is she just being a complete bump on a log?

 

She should be at that age where she gets additional state aid. You may want to talk to her about her living elsewhere with the aid of state resources. I know you won't, but she doesn't need to know that.

 

She knows you have your hands very full & that everyone needs to pull their weight & if she cant even do the minimum perhaps you need to consider an alternate arrangement.... Get some brochures....leave them around the house... Maybe like scared straight for old people.

 

But seriously, does she do anything to help out?

 

For a few months after I got custody of the grandkids, she would help me with them in the mornings since she was already there. She does dishes. Any other cleaning, I have to ask her to do. She doesn't like to cook, so I do all the cooking. From time to time she will do a few loads of laundry. I can't say she does too much more than that really. Her life really revolves around her need to smoke which is why I think she gave up on work many many years ago because she didn't like the concept of having to wait for a break to have a smoke.

 

In terms of state aid, she could apply for SSI which actually would be better because there are more programs available to her but she won't apply for a variety of reasons one of them being that she hates doctors and refuses to go to one. A doctor's certificate is needed to apply for SSI stating the nature of her disability, I guess in this case it would be the arthritis she says she has, but then who can really say because she hasn't been diagnosed.

 

I just need to stay on her....I hate it but I don't have other options. UGH Why did I have to be the only child?

[Karmageddon]

UUUGGGHH!!!! You have way more patience than i do my little sweetie!! Wanna borrow my cattle prod?? Its a great motivator!!!