Frustrated and emotionally drained

[GreenEyedJes]

I'm not really sure what to say or how to begin, but I'm frustrated in my relationship. I love the man I am with very much, but I am so frustrated and disappointed with the relationship sometimes. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and the majority of that time is spent away from each other. Long distance has really put a strain on our relationship (not to mention the stresses of being college students).

 

It seems like more and more we just keep fighting. What seems like it should only be a relatively small issue gets blown out of proportion and both our feelings get hurt. On my end, I feel like my autonomy gets lost when I cave and comfort him and feel like I receive little/no comfort in return after these fights. I feel like my feelings get lost because he gets so upset that he is unable to speak until he calms down.

 

I don't know what to do. I truly love him, but I get so frustrated with him. It's painful for me, because I don't want to hurt him and I know he doesn't want to hurt me either. But we both wind up with hurt feelings every time and it doesn't feel like anything gets resolved.

 

Sometimes I question whether or not its worth working out or if it would just be better to walk away. We both have issues we need to work out (particularly, issues with hurt feelings in regard to our fathers), but maybe our issues combined are too much for the two of us? I feel guilty whenever I begin to doubt the relationship, because I love him very much and I want very much to be with him. I just sometimes want to throw in the towel and walk away, too.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What do you fight about? Are they petty things? Maybe you two need to talk about what it is you keep fighting about and see if you can work on ending a fight before it even begins.

[GreenEyedJes]

It is usually petty things that we argue about, and I think it gets blown out of proportion because it is recurring themes. He gets frustrated when I don't blatantly say I understand his side, for example. When this happens all he focuses on his side to the exclusion of how it makes me feel. My biggest issue in fights is that I feel like we don't get to talk about my side of the issue because once we finally resolve his side it feels like he's done arguing and feels like we're discussed everything. And half the time bringing up how I felt, or my side of things just results in more fighting it seems like. Our argument last night was about who was to blame for a notebook of his that got left at my place. While I accepted responsibility and fault for taking the notebook into my kitchen, he refused to accept any responsibility or fault for not asking for the notebook back.

[waveseer]

The notebook incident is very childish on his part. If it belongs to him it's his job to keep track of it. If he can't find it it's his job to look for it. Don't accept any blame for this.

[GreenEyedJes]

Thank you! When I tried to explain to him that because it was his notebook and he had responsibility which included making sure that he took it back with him, he just drilled me on how it was his fault when I was the one who took it into the kitchen. I explained to him that yes I took it into the kitchen but would not have done so if he hadn't handed it to me to use.

 

I know he's really stressed right now. He has a final exam today, a twenty page term paper, and some other things due this week. Which I totally understand, I'm in the same situation more or less (my paper is much shorter). But I've tried to explain to him over and over, that I can't be his "whipping post," for lack of a better term. I can't take the brunt of his anger and frustration just because I'm easier to lash out.

 

It gets old and tiring and makes me question the relationship. And it happens all the time. Whenever he sees his dad, it happens. I know he gets really stressed and emotional from being around his dad, but its not my fault and I shouldn't be lashed out against when I'm trying to show concern. It happened two days ago when I told him that I'm frustrated with always having to clean up after him when he leaves. That is frustrating when I get the place ready for him and it looks nice and then when he leaves its a complete disaster. He didn't understand why it was so frustrating because he said it shouldn't matter since he drives 2 hours each way to see me. But it does matter! It doesn't feel like he appreciates the effort I put into getting my place ready for when he comes to visit.

[waveseer]

When emotions are running high it's best to focus on other things for a little bit while each of you calm down. Regroup on your own and then you will have more perspective.

[Shyguy24]

Your BF sounds like he has a lot issues going on in his life right now. Do you think its the right kind of environment for a healthy relationship, i dont.

[GreenEyedJes]

He does have a lot issues, but then so do I. I understand his issues on some level, as they are similar to mine. We both have trust issues with our fathers. The reasons are different, but I can sympathize with him.

 

Maybe the relationship isn't healthy at the moment. There is a lot of stress on both ends, and when it comes down to it, he can't handle stress very well. I know it kind of sounds like I'm deflecting, but overall, he and I have a wonderful relationship. We are very open with one another, share a lot of common goals, and enjoy spending time with one another.

 

He does some really nice and thoughtful things for me. For my birthday this year, he bought me a total chick flick and agreed to watch it without saying one negative thing.

 

I know its likely just a rough patch we're going through right now, but it's a recurring rough patch and I'm tired of going over the same-old with him. I know he's frustrated too that we same to be having essentially the same argument over and over, but neither of is sure what do. Maybe we haven't gotten to the heart of the issue?

[Shyguy24]

Hey i am really sorry about the tough situation you are in , and from your thoughts i would say you really want it to work out .

 

I would talk to him and discuss the basic issues over which you guys end up fighting. Make some basic rules, like no shouting on each other and thinking things through etc..i mean discuss things , you will get a good solution.

[mechie22]

i was in this type of a situation before, the best thing to do is sit him down during one of his visits ask him just to listen to you fully and just explain your side but, allow him to explain his after. try to take both sides into account when coming up with a solution, and try to find ways to stop arguments from escalating by saying things like "i understand your point but i disagree" or "im not blaming you i am just explaining". it seems to be a trend that men find themselves backed into a corner if their significant other disagrees and it causes them to attack. just be patient and its ok once in a while to back down but dont let your feelings and thoughts get lost in the mix.