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How do I take it slow with my new girlfriend?


Gunther

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Right, hello everyone. So it seems I’ve landed myself a lovely new girlfriend (second one ever) and somehow or another we’ve jumped into bed after only knowing each other about a month and only dating for maybe one week. We’re moving lightning fast in our relationship and we both want to slow down. But we are both extremely sexual people and when she throws herself at me (and I’m not bragging as I assure you my mouth practically dropped to the floor in a very un-fonzy-like manner.) But as I was saying, when she throws herself at me, I’m not exactly inclined to say “hold on wait a minute”.

 

 

 

It’s also complicated by the fact that she’s been raped before and has a lot of baggage when it comes to sex. She also claims she was raped by someone else recently. I say ‘claims’ because she still treats this guy nicely (Though she will yell at him sometimes too so I don’t know what’s up). They had sex before I was her boyfriend anyway, so I don’t know how to handle this. When I first heard about it, I wanted to beat the living piss out of this guy. But then I see her hugging him and now I’m like “what the hell?” Maybe she was afraid not to? But she has taken him off of her facebook and myspace so I know the’re at least not on good terms. But she just doesn’t act like I’d expect a rape victim to act towards a rapist.

 

 

Details are as follows: I turned 20 just five days ago, she is 16. Since she’s been raped before I suspect she has low self-esteem, which is something I don’t wish to take advantage of. She is a bit more experienced than I am, as she has had several sexual partners in the past. However she was my first time. She says she wants a long term relationship and so do I. Also her rapist has left the state at this point.

 

 

So how do I take it slow with her? By which I mean, should I wait a long time before I so much as kiss her again or should I just try not to let us be alone together, what are some good guidelines? And why would she be so civil towards her rapist, is this common behavior among rape victims? That's all folks, thanks for reading. Thanks even more for responses.

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Thanks for the prompt answer. Yes, I do take my cues from her. Like when I asked her at least ten times if she was sure. Then she says that night that she felt like a prostitute (censor blocked the word she called herself) Which of course made me feel rather terrible for making her think that.

 

I do like the public places part, maybe I can round up a few mutual friends and see if we can make plans.

 

Edit: ah double dates, not a bad idea either gracerules2008. I actually have a couple in mind who I wanted to plan something with. Glad to hear that is a good idea.

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OMG there are so many Red Flags here that it makes me wonder why you are choosing to get involved with a girl like this.

 

How are you going to like it when she tells the next guy she dates that you raped her?

 

That exact thought had occurred to me actually and ts, I don't know if you had a post deleted or something but he's asking very smart questions. Ones I've already posed to myself. The fact is our relationship is so public and loving already, there's no way anyone who's opinion I care about would believe her.

 

To Mutley: I've looked up the maximum penalty for any crime I could be accused of and even the maximum isn't that big of a sentence not to mention I have no previous criminal record. I'd likely get 6 months to a year of probation. As for me not helping her, that's why I'm planning to take it slower with her. I want to be a positive force in her life, someone she can count on.

 

Okay and Dating Coach asked a fair question: "Why am I choosing to get involved with a girl like this?"

 

The answer is that she just kind of grew on me. When we first met it was at the college and I didn't know her age and I didn't really think much of her either way. Then I found out she's 16 and getting her degree, which I respected her for because I started college at 16 as well. So I decided maybe she wasn't just your average annoying 16 year old. About halfway through the college term we started talking and I decided she was pretty cool and she thought likewise. By the end of the term we were dating.

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Be careful how you treat her, i'm just from breaking up with a woman who was a rape victim once, shes 29 am 24. Initially her self esteem was below the surface, so i took it on myself to make her feel confident again, she progressed well, problem is, my intention was not to date her, but we jumped to sex before we could do anything else, we have broken up 3 times now( i hope this time its for real) because i keep on feeling pity for her, am afraid i will crush her, she was drawing her strength from me and am taking that away.....

To cut long story short, helping her get her self esteem back is a good thing, just be careful she may get too attached to you and later it may become hard to let go.....

 

Another thing about the woman i dated, she was in a r/ship with a married man when we met.he used to mistreat her but she treated him so well, so am not an expert on rape victims, but surely they are just different when treating people who are hurting them, or so i think.

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That is so * * * * ing uncalled for. OP says he has no idea what is up with the second rape. So if he doesn't know, how do you presume to?

 

 

Technically you are right. I don't know. What I do know is that I knew a girl like this in the past and she was full of * * * * . On top of this, the OP's girls story is extremely suspicious since she is on good terms with her supposed raper.

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Gunther, you're really asking for it. Unless she is completely wacko she knows that no normal guy would wantt o get involved with a girl who has all of this baggage coming along with her. The fact that you are choosing to do so is telling her that you will tolerate this kind of behavior. So by rewarding her by trying to get with her despite all of this, you are actually reinforcing this behavior. I guarantee you that it will not go away. You will always have to deal with the drama while you are with her. But it's your life, do what you will. You are thinking with your emotions not your logic.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry for the late response, holidays and all that. First, thank you for talking about this with me. I guess you're right datingcoach, I'm not normal. That's no secret, but I'm also not one to let myself be pushed around either. I tell her pretty much what I think and she usually accepts what I have to say (though not always with a smile lol). I'm not the "nice guy wussy boy" I used to be. And I don't let her get away with a lot of crap, I'll usually call her on it. But the rape thing, might be true. I mean the guy left the state, if that doesn't say "I don't want to be prosecuted" what does?

 

Basically what I'm trying to say is even though she has problems, she has other redeeming qualities that make me like her. Even if it is just my emotions doing the talking. I don't know if this relationship will last or not and I'm not going to pretend that "Oh, this is the girl I'm going to marry" or something. I'm just taking like the alcoholics, one day at a time.

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