Love the girlfriend, but her daughter's choices are killing me.

[cornflayk]

Hi All,

 

I've been dating this girl for about 2 years now - love so much about her and have discovered a very gentle and loving soul within her, except that her daughter's choices make such a negative impact on my relationship with her mom. So, I'd like to hear your advice/comments on if you've gone through a similar thing and how it turned out for you... and any advice for me.

 

The gf's daughter is 18, dropped out of High School several years ago ... and is now pregnant. The baby's father dropped out of High School many years ago and wants to be a rock star. He is about 23/24. What makes it really tough for me is that this boyfriend has had a history of drug use. Whether he does it now or not, I don't know. Add to that, he has such a huge attitude about himself - uses profanity and appears to want to be the stereotypical rocker - so, drugs and alcohol are part of his 'thing'. Lack of manners is one thing, but often times its so plain to see that he gets his way by throwing a temper tantrum where the gf and/or her daughter rush in to pacify him.

 

I love the girlfriend a lot, but I am torn because her daughter's boyfriend has soo many habits that are completely contrary to my personality... and my vision for a happy married life. I can see that the gf and her daughter have a good relationship, and with the baby on the way, it's even stronger, yet, it's impossible for me to accept someone like her daughter's bf. I've worked hard to build a life that is based on being a good person and living an uncomplicated life. This so-called 'rocker' lifestyle is completely incompatible with mine. LOL. Yet, how do I pursue a further relationship with the mom, knowing that it pulls in the daughter's bf? When I met her, I thought that the daughter and bf wouldn't last, but the pregnancy has definitely added a bond that will continue to be there regardless of their relationship.

 

I've spoke to my gf about this, and how I would want nothing to do with her daughter if her bf brought drugs into my house, yet, how I would hate for my gf to be put into a situation where 5 years down the road, she has to choose between me (and any future family) and her daughter just because of the bf.

 

She says I don't know the bf and that I should not reject him entirely for a 'few' failings. She also says that I'm punishing her for her daughter's choices. I say, I do have a fear of marrying the wrong person. In my family of origin, a lot of chaos came due to poor choices by my Dad and his inability to get out of them due to children. I don't want that sort of life. I also tell her that while all of us have some baggage, the bf's drug use, arrogance and bad manners are things that will always cause me to divert attention, energy, time etc. from my life - worse, I don't want our relationship to be at the behest of someone like him.

 

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, but see no way forward. Has anyone gone through something like this? I would appreciate any advice.

[waveseer]

It's a big deal because it's a big deal to you and she needs to understand that.

[Sn0man]

You're not dating your stepdaughters boyfriend. Your dating your stepdaughters mom. He'll be gone in time, but she won't. I can see that he obviously is a problem, but he's not even a part of the family you're involved with. Don't be disuaded by such trivial matters.

[Anonymous122]

The idea i'm getting from this is that the stepdaughter lives at home with the mother.

 

If the mother moves in with him, the stepdaughter will too.

 

Because of the child, if the stepdaughter moves in, so will the boyfriend.

 

Make it clear that you have a drug free household, and if he violates it, call the police on him. I had to do that to a roommate, and while it sucked, you have to lay ground rules.

 

Good luck.

[Imprecision]

I don't think so.

 

What kind of a mother chooses a boyfriend over a child?

 

The bond between a mother and her daughter is sacred and inviolable, whatever her daughter's choices, whatever her daughter's mistakes.

[waveseer]

I don't think so.

 

What kind of a mother chooses a boyfriend over a child?

 

The bond between a mother and her daughter is sacred and inviolable, whatever her daughter's choices, whatever her daughter's mistakes.

 

I don't think the mother is being asked to chose between her boyfriend and her daughter.

 

The way I see it the boyfriend is asking the mother to stand together on a no drugs in the house policy.

[Anonymous122]

I don't think so.

 

What kind of a mother chooses a boyfriend over a child?

 

The bond between a mother and her daughter is sacred and inviolable, whatever her daughter's choices, whatever her daughter's mistakes.

 

Eh, that's a little bit too romantic. Her daughter is 18. Her daughter has a boyfriend. Her daughter is about to have a child.

 

Her daughter will end up leaving eventually, and she will be alone. Her daughter is grown, it's time to start thinking about herself again.

[cornflayk]

The idea i'm getting from this is that the stepdaughter lives at home with the mother.

 

If the mother moves in with him, the stepdaughter will too.

 

Because of the child, if the stepdaughter moves in, so will the boyfriend.

 

Make it clear that you have a drug free household, and if he violates it, call the police on him. I had to do that to a roommate, and while it sucked, you have to lay ground rules.

 

Good luck.

 

Ah, I should've mentioned that - the daughter and her bf live together, the gf lives on her own and I have my own house. gf and daughter see/visit each other and along comes the bf.

 

Setting boundaries with the bf, calling the police if he violates them, that is okay. However, for various reasons, my work and reputation would be severely impacted by getting involved with these kind of issues. It's not so much an issue of drugs alone, even though my home is my santuary and that would severely destroy my peace, but it's more about trust and knowing there was someone whom I did not approve of in my place.

[waveseer]

Ah, I should've mentioned that - the daughter and her bf live together, the gf lives on her own and I have my own house. gf and daughter see/visit each other and along comes the bf.

 

Setting boundaries with the bf, calling the police if he violates them, that is okay. However, for various reasons, my work and reputation would be severely impacted by getting involved with these kind of issues. It's not so much an issue of drugs alone, even though my home is my santuary and that would severly destroy my peace, but it's more about trust and knowing there was someone whom I did not approve of in my place.

 

So you have to reject the daughter's boyfriend even if he's not carrying drugs? I misunderstood. In that case if you live with your gf it is implied that you accept her family and their so's.

[cornflayk]

So you have to reject the daughter's boyfriend even if he's not carrying drugs? I misunderstood. In that case if you live with your gf it is implied that you accept her family and their so's.

 

Yep, that's the connundrum I face. Both my gf and myself, we're quite social - so having friends, family around is important to us. With a new baby, I could see plenty of family interaction... not to mention the holiday season. All of those things bring in the daughter's bf.

[waveseer]

Yep, that's the connundrum I face. Both my gf and myself, we're quite social - so having friends, family around is important to us. With a new baby, I could see plenty of family interaction... not to mention the holiday season. All of those things bring in the daughter's bf.

 

Is it just that he can't be in your home? If that's the case then you could just continue maintaining a separate domicile. But if you can't be around him at all you're options become more limited.

[cornflayk]

Is it just that he can't be in your home? If that's the case then you could just continue maintaining a separate domicile. But if you can't be around him at all you're options become more limited.

 

I can't stand him at all - imagine a 23/24yr old guy who throws a temper tantrum whenever he wants things to go his way. It's hard to even think of what kind of options I may have with someone like him.

[waveseer]

I can't stand him at all - imagine a 23/24yr old guy who throws a temper tantrum whenever he wants things to go his way. It's hard to even think of what kind of options I may have with someone like him.

 

I understand. I left my family on vacation and went home mid-week because the head of household was so condescending and demeaning to his wife (and me) it was either leave or say things I would later regret. The rest of my family had a good time though. lol