in desperate need of help

[mya]

Ok I do not know where to start because my boyfriend and I have a lotttttt of history and have been through a lot. I met my boyfriend when I was only 15 and he was 21. He did not know my age at the time and assumed I was 18 since I was friends with his sister who was that age. Basically he pursued me-really hard. I told him I was not interested numerous times for about an year and then he left to Toronto for school and left a letter for me saying that he loved me and that I was the only one for him. After he left I started to really miss him always being there on the bus staring at me and getting letters from him. I also realized that I could never meet someone who could love me so much and that if I do not take a chance with him I will forever regret it in the future.

 

So, I went out with him in 2000. Since I was in a different province than him, our relationship was long distance for about 6 years. He came to see me about 6 times in a year. We emailed each other several times a day and spoke on msn.

 

During this time I finished highschool, completed college and went to university. Throughout this time he was in college-for six years although he swtiched programs and i must mention that he came to Canada from a foreign country at the age of 18 and thereforee the school system is not as easy for him. Also during this time, he got caught up with the bad crowd and was arrested. The arrest happened about 7 years ago and he was given community service and since has been good in terms of staying out of trouble. During this time, he also accumulated lots of debt and basically ruined his credit score. During this time, as someone 7 years younger than him i worked only during the summers and accumulated about 20K.

 

I am presently a graduate student pursuing my phd at the top university in my country. I have always worked very hard in my life and attempted to be the best person i could. A lto of people in my community look at me and tell their kids that they should strive to be like me.

 

My boyfriend and I are presently seriously considering marriage. I love him but feel really conflicted about getting married to someone who has shown such bad judgment in the past. I know he is trying to change but I have had to persuade him a lot. For example, although right now he is almost done paying off his debt, I had to convince him about getting it done and even gave him an ultimatum-pay it or else i'm gone. My boyfriend is done college and is presently working but not at an ideal job as he has his criminal record. He is also 7 years older than me. I feel like at this stage in his life he should be settled. I knwo that my parents and some others in my fmaily feel that he is not good enough for me physically, education-wise and also in terms of his family background (3 of his 4 brothers haven't finished highschool and were in gangs).

 

I know he loves me a lot and treats me really well. I love him as well but often i get these fits of anger at him when I think to myself about all that he has done in his past while i have worked so hard. I feel that if he really had cared for me he would not has jepordized our future that way. We had a huge fight about this topic-again and he basically told me that he's had enough of these fights and that he is done. He told me that he actually wants me to go out with other guys and only thne will i realize how good i had it with him. I know he is very loving and caring with me but i feel that he has different life goals (he would liek to start a business while i prefer that we have a more stable future) and were brought up completely differently (my parents are all about hard work and no play whereas his upbringing was the opposite). I am really afraid about my future and do not know what to do. Any suggestions would be help. SOrry about the long post!!! I can go on forever.

[Sn0man]

To be honest, one little incident with the law and a one time bad credit score is so utterly mild I find it difficult to understand why you find it to be such an impairment on his part. There is a lot worse out there and I think you may be judging his past (wickedly mild) behavior a bit harshly.

 

From what i've read - i'd be where he is in saying that he's had enough and you should go out and find out for yourself whats out there.

[Angel_baby]

Every person makes their own choices. He made a bad one in the past but for the last 7 years he has stayed out of trouble and has paid of his debt. Sometimes it happens. You don't have the money and the debt climbs up. He has kept a job and paid it off, yes he needed your help to do so but it gave him something to work towards. Debt can be suffocating and sometimes you just want to ignore it but he didn't. I am sure he worked hard to pay it off.

 

I don't think you should judge him for his past but for what he has done to be with you to this point. If you both truly love each other you can find a way to work things out between each other.

You have a goal of having a career and he wants to start a business. You both can do that and still be together.

 

Sometimes in life you need to let things go... either it being him or letting go of his past.

[mya]

Thank you guys so much for replying. I understand that it is best to let go but I just find it so difficult. It's like his past will always be there haunting us. For example, he has the criminal record which he is trying to clear but it will still be there if he goes to a country outside of where we live. In terms of his credit score, we would like to purchase a condo but due to his score I have to ask my parents to help which I do not want to since they already do not think very highly of him. I can't purchase it only in my name as I am still in school and do not have a full time job. It's just so fustrating to me and I feel like if only he hadn't done all that in his past. It's like why should I suffer and stress so much because of his mistakes. I know that I might sound selfish but it's just so fustrating. And then to know that my parents and relatives think I made a mistake in choosing him makes me feel like i've disappointed them.

[keith515]

Without knowing all the details, ask yourself: is he a good person, deep down? Will he ever hurt me? Do I trust him? Do I love being with him? Do I respect him? Do I value his opinion?

 

If what you mentioned are your ONLY TWO concerns, you have nothing to worry about.

[KarateKate]

I feel for you. I'm naturally responsible, organized, and ambitious, and my SO is...not. I used to get really frustrated, but eventually I realized that I can only control my own actions, and we can't change the past. As the above poster said, you have to let go, and you can either let go of his past or him. As far as family or friends are concerned, my friends/family have never approved of any of my boyfriends. They're not the ones who have to live with the decision-you are.

[mya]

Thanks a lot for your input everyone!