PLEASE help. She's the one

[scarred]

After reading through some of the posts here, I have a feeling that I'll be told to avoid contact, but thought I'd post and see anyway.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me just over two weeks ago. We had been going out for just shy of four years. We were very serious and in love. Although it was never talked about in depth because I was still in college (graduate this week) and living at home, there were comments made about rings and marriage. I am absolutely in love with her, and don't know what to do.

 

She tells me that she is not closing the door on us, but needs time to find out exactly what she wants. That she has worried more about my happiness than hers, and that she has to be selfish right now. She doesn't believe in "breaks", so here I am, heartbroken.

 

There is another guy who she told herself was just a friend, but openly flirted with her as they messaged back and forth. She called me crying, feeling guilty, telling me that I was right and he actually liked her. That she had let him flirt, and thought there must have been something missing in our relationship for her to do that.

 

I now know that what was missing was real effort on my part. I took things for granted and I coasted. I would make a big deal out of having to go by her family to see her, didn't go out of my way to compliment her, and in general just didn't do all kinds of little things to make her feel special. When she would bring her concerns about this up, I shut down the communication. Denial. If I ignored problems, they would go away. So, so stupid. She would give up on trying to talk about it, nothing changed, try to bring it up again a few months later, rinse and repeat.

 

I honestly never realized I was doing this until I no longer had a relationship to protect with my denial. I have told her that, apologized up and down, and promised that I want to be, and easily can be, so much better. In return, she said that she believes me, that yes it means something that I finally have a grasp of her concerns, but she will not be making any rash decisions.

 

There has been contact everyday, with me initiating every single time except once. Not neccessarily talking, but an email, something. Tonight I called and she didn't answer. I can't seem to stop apologizing and promising to put in the same effort she did, because I mean it with all of my heart. The constant emails I've been sending have frustrated her, but I can't seem to stop. Even though she only responds half the time.

 

I'm expecting to hear NC, but I'm so afraid that she'll start seeing this other guy mentioned earlier and even if she thinks of me, compares us, that she will be comparing him to the lazy, coasting me that I would never be again.

 

What can I do? I honestly want to spend my life with this woman. I have never met anyone like her. Even when coasting, she loved me and I made her happy, and if she gives me another chance I will be so much better because I finally realize what I was doing, or not doing.

 

Sorry for the length, thanks for reading and for any advice

[waveseer]

What did you do before that made her happy?

[manup7228]

I'm going to give you a little advice

 

A) It takes TWO people in a relationship. All the above things you mentioned are pretty minute things when it comes to her not loving you anymore and ending the relationship. Stop overanalyzing. I am positive you did way more good things than bad.

 

B) The whole I am doing this for you is bull * * * * . So many dumpers say that because they do not want to break your heart and feel guilty for their true intentions. By her saying she wants to see if your happier with another girl is translated into I want to see if IM happy with another boy. I.E. why she let that boy flirt in the first place.

 

C) Hate to tell you this, but yes!, go NC. Show her what's she's missing. I wish I would have done it right after my break-up. She will go crazy trust me.

 

D) I absolutely know your heart is going to sink after I say this but you must hear. She is probably going to have a rebound relationship with this guy. Just take it in stride. Don't acknowledge it. Act like you don't care at all. Act like its her loss. And to help you cope, realize that this relationship is most likely not going to last.

 

E) ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS. Just improve yourself, heal, and don't let her use you. Just because y'all are not together anymore does not mean you are worth any less. Don't give her the satisfaction of telling her all the bad things you did, your only helping her realize that you weren't the one for her. Don't put fuel on the fire.

 

Make her question herself, stay strong, and don't kill yourself over small details. You can do this!

[theadvicenut]

She has to make her decision, reguardless as to how many emails and phone call you make it won't make her decide any faster, you may even be pushing her farther away, give her some time, you may even have to consider the fact that the relationship may be over soon, if its not already over.

[PoisonIvy]

I won't say NC, but by the sound of it, you might want to try... less contact. Quality, not quantity, my friend.

 

Hope everything works out, good luck!

[PlumGT]

You apologized and realized what you could improve on. Honestly, now it is the waiting game. You've sent more than enough emails and contact and probably indirectly smothering her. I know it will be a difficult and long wait for you. But now, you can only work on yourself while you let her make her decision.

[Sn0man]

The constant emails and constant contact give her no room to breathe and try to figure things out, so yes, as you suspected, cut off contact. Not forever, and don't think about it that way. Just distance yourself. It's good for you and for her. It'll give you both some room to think. Which is exactly what you need to be doing right now, thinking. Not about her, but about you.

 

I'm going to add a piece of advice that I gave someone else earlier too; stop trying to convince yourself that you know what caused it and that you can change, or that you have changed. Because you haven't. In two weeks, nobody changes. Change takes way, way longer than that.

[kiwifruiti]

First of all, I'm sorry that you're going through this. Breaking up with someone you love is never easy.

 

As for advice to give, I agree with the other posters that you really need to give her some space. I've read quite a few threads in the "Breaking Up" forum that go like this: "I broke up with my boyfriend, and now he won't leave me alone! Help!" Trust me, you don't want to be that guy. It will just push her further away.

 

The good news though is that it's only been about two weeks since you broke up, and with apologizing and promising to change being pretty standard dumpee behavior, any "damage" you might have caused is still fixable if you back off a bit. So my advice to you is to go NC, at least for a little while. Not only will it give her the time and space that she's requested, but it'll also give you time to pull yourself together and figure out what you really want. Emotions can be really volatile immediately following a breakup, and it's just too easy to panic and do things without thinking them through. Giving yourself some time away from her will help you to approach things with a much clearer head later on.

 

So yeah, I'd say go NC for a few months or so, and if by then you're in a much better place emotionally, drop her a line if you like. Then you can proceed from there.

 

Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you!

[langford]

Your desperation is a major turn off ,it is in anyone,if I was a girl reading all this

I would think you are completely reliant on me for your happiness and I would freak out.

 

Give her some space/time to decide what she wants you pushing her and smothering her will not help you at all.It's her choice in the end.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If she mentioned this other guy when breaking up with you, there is a very good chance that she broke up with you because she wants to date him (and already is). I'm sorry, but most people who break up this way and mention others during the breaking are also breaking the news that they are going to be dating someone else.

 

This other guy may be a mistake for her, and she may realize that and want to come back. But she might also really bond with him and stay with him (or break up and move on to someone else).

 

If she's thinking about this other guy and dating him, there is not much you can do. You can status with her periodically to see whether she is interested in coming back, but you also have to continue your healing rather than waiting passively.

 

I'd let a month pass and then contact her to see how she is doing and if she is interested in coming back. If the answer is no, then go back into no contact, and status with her in another month. But if she is happily dating someone else, if she won't talk with you or agree to work on it, you have to try to get on with you life, and maybe down the road she'll change her mind or maybe not, but you need to live your life.

[scarred]

Thanks everyone for the advice so far. I must admit, I talked to her yesterday, but only a short IM conversation. I told her that I realize I was smothering her and wouldn't do it anymore. That I can't try to control this, and repeating over and over that I love her and want to do better for the both of us is not going to help. She repeated that she knows I mean the things I've said post breakup, and that she'd continue to think about me. Didn't say anything about going NC, but I won't be initiating contact for a bit. How long, I have no idea. Question is, what do you do to keep your mind occupied? I think about her all the time. I'm just finishing up college, and don't have a job lined up. So I sit around and think about how much I miss her. It's absolutely driving me crazy.

[Merri]

Hi,

 

I went through something very similar. I realized the mistakes I had made in our relationship as well and instead of promising him anything I took the time to look at myself and my needs too. I made some posotive changes in my attitude and self confidence. He noticed these things right away. He came back after a month saying he missed me. We've been back together now for 5 months. I did not do no contact but I did little contact and I let him innitiate things. I was there as his "friend" to listen and not beg for him to come back. She will realize this too I'm sure. Especially if she calls you crying because she flirted with a guy over email. I truly believe she loves you but instead of continuing to tell her how much you'll be different....start asking her how she feels and just let her do the talking. I hope this helps. I know not every situation is the same but it worked for me. I can say first hand that shutting down and not communicating in a relationship can really put a damper on things. Just be open and honest with each other no matter what.

[john4321]

merri i am glad i see that things can work out, and it does take an attitude change. i just wish my ex would see that in me, i have worked very hard, gone to couseling, and worked on my own. well the work was not for nothing though, i am still a better person for it

[Ranch]

I would personally make it FIRMLY known that you would always be there for hewr and that you are NOT giving up just giving her space. You just have to give her time, and in that time let her cool off, and while you "just friends" make sure improvments, keep showing her you really are trying. Even try a romance thing later on when you feel she's learching on getting back together.

[scarred]

Well, I saw her today. She came by to drop off some clothes that I had at her apartment. We talked for a bit, and she let me know that, yes, she is seeing the guy from the original post. She didn't want to tell me in an email or over the phone, which I respect, but she has been hanging out with him for a couple weeks now. Which means that she started only two weeks after breaking up with me. Not sure what I'm looking for here, just thought I'd update if anybody cares.

 

I am thinking about me, and growing from all this. I really am. But that does not mean that I wouldn't love to reunite with her. I guess at this point I'm hoping this is a rebound relationship that doesn't work out. I know she still has feelings for me. But she has some trouble believing that after nothing changed the other times she voiced her concerns with our relationship, this time will be different. Can't say I blame her, but this is honestly the first time I have been forced to face things and take a real look at everything. Things absolutely would be different, but I don't know how I could possibly convince her of that without getting another chance and showing her.

 

Hmm. Just wanted to vent a little bit I guess. More waiting, thinking, and trying to grow now, I guess. I never imagined anything could be this difficult.

[Sturmhouse]

Hey. I am going through an almost exact replica of what you're dealing with. I've known my girl for 6 years, dated for almost three, engaged for 1.5. She dumped me a week ago. I haven't been smothering her, or making some of the mistakes you did - but I did make a few. Namely, talking to her friends and family, and telling her that the breakup has fundamentally changed me. I never asked explicitly for her to take me back, but did say for her to not forget about me and to consider me in the future. To this she replied, "give me some time and we'll see how I feel." She accepted my apologies, and knows that I love her. Right now, I'm starting no-contact; I'm gonna go for a month and then try to reinitiate the conversation. She's not mad at me, considers me a friend, and says she wants to talk to me, but that she fell out of love with me. I made all the same mistakes. She showed me all the love, but I didn't return the favor. Right now, I'm engaging in no-contact and I'm devising a plan to re-attract her to me. Trouble is, she lives two hours away so I have to find a way to get down there to get her on a date. Luckily my brother goes to the school so I can use that as an excuse.

 

Hope you can work it out, I think right now no contact is the best policy and getting your * * * * together. Can't go back to them looking pathetic, gotta reacquire that confidence and self esteem.

[scarred]

Thanks for the response. I sincerely hope things work out for the best for you, whatever that may be.

[jasper01]

That's hard. It must be very painful.

 

I can tell you this. As long as 'voicing her concerns' about the relationship remains her primary way of making a relationship work, she will continue this pattern. That says something deeper - that she has issues around commitment, and beneath that, feeling obligated to another person. Someone that doesn't inherently feel trapped in a relationship doesn't try to solve problems that way. She is uncomfortable being committed and you are afraid of being abandoned. That's what's really going on between you.

 

In relationships that really mean something, both people are going to have problems. That's normal. One partner saying to another that there are problems and uncertainty about staying in the relationship are part of a troubled dynamic exactly like the one you are describing. The expectation is that, as in their childhood when they raged in their family to get what they want, that they can make you love them by hurting you. Don't let her do it. Stop taking responsibility for her 'stuff'. Start looking at yours. And give her lots of space for now.

[SighSob]

I feel like I'm reading my story...well to make a plan to re-attract someone that dumped you doesn't seem like a good idea to me. You have to become a better person for yourself, cause yeah she may come back, but she may also fall in love with someone else and forget about you. Either way, going NC and improving yourself is the best way to give yourself a chance to be happy in the future...wether it is with her or with someone else.

[Sturmhouse]

I feel like I'm reading my story...well to make a plan to re-attract someone that dumped you doesn't seem like a good idea to me. You have to become a better person for yourself, cause yeah she may come back, but she may also fall in love with someone else and forget about you. Either way, going NC and improving yourself is the best way to give yourself a chance to be happy in the future...wether it is with her or with someone else.

 

Here's the problem with that. The only way to improve myself is the way I deal with women romantically. I'm a salesman by profession. It is my job to figure ways to please clients, get into their minds and make their life just a little bit happier. I'm capable of doing it, but I never applied this logic to my relationship. I didn't tell her how I really felt, because of my reluctance to feel vulnerable, and I didn't reassure her of her worthiness. Frankly, I didn't think she needed it because she is so great - smart, pretty, the whole nine. I'm a very ambitious, go-getter type of person with a good, stable job and willingness to support her. She said our relationship was fine, I didn't treat her poorly, that she was ok in the relationship, just not HAPPY. I didn't make her happy, she felt undesired and unattractive. I don't want to make this thread about my problem, but I just want to say that the only way I can show her I've been working on myself, is to give her some time/space and then try to exhibit the things she was attracted to in the first place and then start slow with compliments and more romance-oriented techniques. If she thinks I'm sincere (she knows I mean everything I say) I think (hope) she'll come around.