Passive mom here - in need of assertive training!

[AwdreeHpburn]

MAN! I SUCK at this being a parent thing!!!

 

I have NO control over my kids, let them walk all over me, get away with sXit all the time, and they know it too!

 

So, I'm gone for the evening. Annual ladies nite out round x-mas time with the ladies in my husband's family. Totally ridiculous. But I drive these treacherous MN, frozen tundra, black-ice havin' death trap roads from literally one side of the cities to the other, to listen to old ladies talk about how old they are and how much they can't do.. blah blah blah can't even drink more an a glass a wine cos I'm TERRIFIED to get back in the car for the crazy drive home...

 

I FINALLY get home and the kids are already in bed. Its 7:30. When does THAT ever happen?? None of them had showers. They're asking me to tuck them in and say goodnight. Fine. My oldest daughter, who's 11!!! tells me she's bored. I see she's still in half her school uniform.

 

I say, sweetie, going to sleep IS boring. Read a little bit or just tell yourself stories... I dunno. She gets REALLY angry at me, starts yelling at me that I'm not helpful or supportive.

 

I said, please just give me your socks and uniform shirt so I can wash them. So she takes off her socks and WHIPS them right at my face!! :splat:

 

What The Truck?? Ya know?

 

I mean.... What can I even do with that?

 

She's angry cos I can't cure her early bedtime boredom! So I yell to my husband who's in his office working, per usual, for help and his tone is impatient and frustrated. F this.

 

What do I do? Already cracked open the bottle a wine so what ELSE...

 

](*,)

 

I hate the life I have....

[MyheartorHis]

Have you ever watched the "Nanny" tv show? I don't have kids or anything but I've had some cousins who could do whatever they wanted. But you need to discipline them. Kids MUST have rules. I don't know what to say that could further help you but I would look up different stuff to find a way to help all this at home. The internet, that TV show, books, etc... not just for your sanity but the family's happiness, too. I think you husband should help you do all this research and help you take things into action, also. Good luck, and I wish you the best!! I hope I helped just a little.

[MyheartorHis]

By the way, not the Nanny with Fran whatever her last name is, but the one where actual Nanny's go into their homes and help them with their kids. My mom watches it and I sometimes do, too. I think it's on Lifetime.

[Love_Music]

I think that maybe the next time your daughter decides to whip some clothes at your face, you either A) slap the crap outta her (I know some people won't like that one, neither do I, but it has helped my step sister calm her A$$ down) or 2) when she gets the usual attitude with you, you firmly tell her YOU are the parent and you will NOT tolerate her behavior any longer,and put her on some type of punishment(no phone, no video games, ect.)

[AwdreeHpburn]

Oh yeh - I know what you're talking about. Like Nanny 911 or whatever? That'd be SOOO cool.

 

Thx for the response! I agree - my husband should HELP!!!

[greensleeves]

I suggest reading the book "Kids are Worth It" by Barbara Colorso, or any of her books. I think she's classify you as a jellyfish parent. Don't let your kids walk all over you, it will make your life alot easier if you set some rules and stick to them. It can be hard to do at first if you're not used to it, but once you start giving them some discipline and teaching them self discipline you'll all be much happier.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I think that maybe the next time your daughter decides to whip some clothes at your face, you either A) slap the crap outta her (I know some people won't like that one, neither do I, but it has helped my step sister calm her A$$ down) or 2) when she gets the usual attitude with you, you firmly tell her YOU are the parent and you will NOT tolerate her behavior any longer,and put her on some type of punishment(no phone, no video games, ect.)

 

I know what you're saying. And I HAVE! I've totally tried it. Even DID swat her on the behind which - if for me is a total loss of control cos I HATE that kind of discipline... but I've attempted that firm punishment. They just know Im not serious!

[HeartBrokn]

Spank, Spank, Spank it's not to late. Kids need to be raised through levels of obedience:

 

Talk + (little bit of reasoning)

then,

 

Hey Get your but up stairs and close the door cause you are staying in there for a while

then,

 

What you slammed the door, this is your last chance to check that behavior

then

 

Spank Spank

then,

 

Little bit later, talk and Reason ( a little bit)

then

 

if that doesnt work:

 

Water Boarding usually always gets them

[beejcee]

hey awdree,

 

i don't think this means you are a bad parent, i think it just means that you know what you are doing right now isn't working.

 

i'm not a parent but i have been an elementary school teacher for 25 years and have taught over 7000 students. here's what i have learned about discipline.

 

kids crave structure, boundaries, and routines. it helps life make sense for them. consistency is key. the rules and structure should vary based on their age/developmental level. i think a great example of this is that an eleven year old should not have to be in bed by 7:30 like the little kids. that's why she was probably so disrespectful to you.

 

kids need their teachers and parents to be the authority figures in their lives. you have probably taught your kids not to listen to you and that is probably why they don't do so well with that skill. i agree, watching those nanny-types of shows might give you some ideas.

 

recently a first-year teacher asked me how i could keep her very unruly class of fifth graders quiet and on task? well, they have been in my class once a week every year since they started school and they have learned to trust the structure of my classroom and they also know i only say what i mean and i mean what i say.

 

you wouldn't be on here asking for help if you weren't a good mom, so don't beat yourself up for doing one of the most difficult jobs in the world.

 

just start trying to be clear and consistent with your kids. if you make threats, carry through. kids will test you for a while to see if you really mean it but eventually they stop that because they will learn that you do mean it. it's difficult and you need a lot of patience, trust me. but the payoffs would be huge for you.

 

i've also learned that kids will be more willing to do what you want them to do if you take an extra moment to explain WHY you want them to do a certain thing. for example, the floor on my classroom has a concrete floor. Many of my students would tilt in their chairs and then lose their balance and smack their heads on the floor. Instead of just stating the rule, I explain why I want them to do this. I explain what could happen, I let kids who have had stitches talk about that, and I make them stop and think about how hard the floor in my room really is. If I take the extra time or make the extra effort, it really seems to pay off.

 

there might even be some local parenting classes you could take or books about it you could borrow from your local library.

 

good luck -- i don't know if this help you or not but i hope you will consider what i have said.......

[alli]

If I were you, I wouldn't wash her clothes if she threw them at me. In fact I would purposely make the look a little dirty, maybe wrinkled up in a ball. So the next day she sees what happens when she disrepects you. If she can't appreciate what you do for her, she will learn to once she starts wearing dirty clothes to school.

 

I'm not a parent, thus I have little first-hand experience myself. All I can say is put your foot down. You're not being meanl you're giving them boundaries.

[lostandhurt]

The first question you need to ask yourself is why? Why do I allow them to talk, treat and behave this way towards me?

 

Children want boundaries and discipline believe it or not. They want to feel secure that the parents are in charge and can handle everything. They want to know if they behave and follow the rules of the house they won't be in trouble. The younger children always behave like their older brothers and sisters. Start with your oldest but you must have a plan and your HUSBAND needs to be more than just a voice from the other room.

 

I suggest you read a few books on how to parent firmly but fairly. You must be consistent no matter what. The kids will test you and it will be harder than usual but in the end your family will be happier and closer than ever. There is a bonus for dad also. A mom with less stress with the kids is a lot more fun in BED!

 

good luck

 

lost

[AwdreeHpburn]

A mom with less stress with the kids is a lot more fun in BED!

 

 

 

What the ?

 

That's sorta out of left field, isn't it? .... spoken like a true BOY!!! lol

 

 

Thanks everyone. Great advice all around. I really like the bit about making the punishment fit the crime. We're usually really good about that - I was just so caught off guard. But I do agree. She throws her clothes, I don't wash them.

 

My husband usually makes them do things like pick up what they threw, set it down nicely and then pick it up again and again, over and over and over. He says, and really calmly I might add... he says maybe they just need practice putting things down nicely because they've obviously gotten good at throwing, they just need to practice handing things over or setting them down nicely.

 

If I'd had my wits about me....

 

And I agree 7:30 is WAY too early for my oldest. But of course, I wasn't home when they got put to bed. Which is another reason I'm not sure why I was the one to get the brunt of the frustration.... cept that I AM the more passive one.

 

Anyway.... thanks.

[Ellie2006]

Children want boundaries and discipline believe it or not. They want to feel secure that the parents are in charge and can handle everything.

 

Hey Awd, I agree with the above.

Not that I wasn't a snotty-nosed brat who threw temper tantrums now and again BUT I knew that there were certain boundaries that I should NEVER EVER cross w/ my parents.

 

And if I were you, I wouldnt beat myself up too much about that encounter with the eldest, as discouraging as it must have been for you; she was totally out of line BUT it sounds like she could also be hitting puberty.

 

Maybe later in the week, you and your husband can have a sit-down with her, explain to her that her behavior was unacceptable, and offer her a chance to voice her side of the story?

 

By the bye, doesnt it get insanely cold in MN? Stay warm, Awd!

[ImThatGirl]

Awdree~~~~ Ah! The adrenaline of your evening seems to be passed right through your writings!

 

I think we all have those kinds of evenings every now and then. Sometimes mornings...

 

I'm curious - does your 11 year old act like this on a normal basis? Did you get the brunt of her anger because her dad put her in bed at 7:30?

 

The posters have made many really good points!

 

I just want to add one thing... I know that my mood or if I'm tense or stressed my kids don't do well.(as I might have been if I were you - evening out with the women, driving the treacherous roads and all and then to get home to no baths, kids in bed, half dressed, etc. on a school night.... hubby on the computer,) And taking a step back, a breather, a reassessment or a pep talk for myself before dealing with them helps wonders!