The past is gone and the future is coming!

[dreamwarrior]

Hello everyone...hope all is well for you!

 

I know that most of us here are hurting, angry, confused, struggling, and trying to survive the loss of love, dreams, and perhaps trying to cope with the fear of never being happy or finding someone else to love again.

 

Never in a million years did I ever think I was going to fall in love with anyone at 39 years old it happened like a bolt of lightening from the sky, and for what? Only for my heart to be torn to shreds and when I had to walk away I am the rotten scoundrel gf.

 

What am I supposed to do? Hand over my future to a guy who I don't trust to stay clean and sober for 5 seconds, who everything he touches breaks and turns to dust before my very eyes.

 

I am selfish yes I am...I had to choose my survival over love. How can I watch a person I love kill himself slowly and come running to me each time the drugs started wearing off and lay his head on my lap crying hysterically while I patted his hair and let him cry. How you called me horrible names and threw your food on the ground or at the wall after I just worked a full day and carried 6 heavy bags of groceries up the hill in the dark through dangerous areas so you would have something to eat.

 

Everytime I turned around you were finding some other loser to hang out with thinking they were your good buddies and in the end they used you and nearly had you arrested. I always thought of you, bought you nice gifts if I had a little money...always put you first before my own health... sat with you at the doctors office...helped you get your life started, did all your applications/resumes, and sat in the SSI office for hours...and in return you couldn't even sit with me at the hospital while I was getting a mammogram or the times I was having dental surgery and in pain.

 

Whenever you were sick with the flu I would rub you down, bring you tea and soup, hold you while you slept...and for me you were gone for days never answering your cell phone, then came back high on drugs with your jeep full of junk...then you would allow these rotten creeps to come in our apartment and steal from me time and time again....here I am working like a dog to support you when your mother is a millionaire and she does nothing to help and she wants to rob me of what little I have.

 

I thank the great spirit for protecting my immune system from your diseases, giving me the courage and the strength to walk away, and the wisdom to never allow you to do this to me again. You didn't deserve my love, my feelings, my heart....and never will you get it again in this lifetime or the next.

 

This coming year is going to be my year! I have enrolled in school, and will be a nurse and a firefighter (double major), once I graduate my life will be on a journey to a better place, and I will take care of people who really need me and deserve my love and affections.

 

What in the world do you have to offer me?? A life of misery only...this is my life and you are not allowed to take it from me. I will be happy, I will prosper, and I will find love again...and you will still be HIV Positive for the rest of your life and nothing is going to fix you.

 

I am not going to allow myself to hate you because I pity you...your a shell of a person, a broken man, because you are not true to yourself and you can never run and hide from who you are.

 

When I look at you I see a coward, a person wasting what little time he has left, and a person who may die full of regrets.

 

You had the chance to have a better life, to achieve your dreams, and I stood by you...I never once ever cheated or lied to you, but, yet you called me a pros***tute, and a w***e!! It made me feel sad to hear you say that about me, but I understand you are a very unhappy person with a negative attitude.

 

You cannot have my life, my happiness, and my future...It's been 30 days since I started NC and I will continue NC for the rest of my life. I don't want to see you, hear from you, or know what you are doing....you are dead to me, and if you never cross my path again then that will be oh so glorious.

 

Memories of you will gradually fade, because I will replace them with the pain you caused me...in reality, even the memories I classified as happy memories now that I think of it were actually surrounded by unhappy ones....gloom and doom seemed to surround you at every corner.

 

Even in the beginning as you slept next to me I could feel you stealing my energy...now I realize you were a psychic vampire trying to drain the very life from my body...luckily I caught on in time before they started throwing the dirt over my cold lifeless body.

 

Love....you say you loved me...hahaha...you don't even begin to know what that word means...how on earth can you love me when you don't even love yourself??? Your love is worthless and I wouldn't even pay a wheat penny for the so-called love you gave me.

 

Tears...I have no tears for you...my eye sockets are completely dried up and never will a tear fall from them again when it comes to you.

 

A dragon, a warrior, and a knight in shining armor you are definitely not...your not even a white belt in karate...your an insecure, weak little man.

 

One day when I am old and gray I will be sitting on my back porch swing looking out at the ocean as the sun is setting and I will smile and say to myself, "good girl K***Y, a job well done".

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like you are really on the healing road. Good for you. I will join you on that back porch swing looking out at the ocean...that's where I would like to be right now!

[dreamwarrior]

Hi Crazy...how are you...hahaha...I knew you would be here...think I am going to get something to eat, use my new headphones to watch a movie on my laptop, and drink my carrot juice...later on take a nice hot shower and get ready for work tomorrow, perhaps study for awhile before sleeping.

 

Hope your doing well and having a nice holiday season.

 

You know I wrote a post on a site for people who were with addicts/alcoholics...and this dumb girl told me I should stick by him because he needs me and perhaps god sent me to him to help.........ohhhhhhhhhh what BS...needless to say I told her how I felt about that....alot of nerve to expect me to sacrifice anymore of my time to a guy who clearly isn't mentally capable of being a supportive partner...goodness he can't even hold his pants up on his own without someone there to help him...God forbid when or if he finds someone else....I will feel truly sorry for her.

[happyforyou]

OMG you are so wonderful and strong. I totally adore you!@@#$@$

how fantastic you are. you have inspired me to write my own letter! thank you!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is important to stick by people when they are in trouble..but if time has proven that they do not want to help themselves, then the best thing to do is walk away in order to save yourself.

[dreamwarrior]

I know what you mean...I stayed for nearly 5 years of this baloney...I tried so hard until it started making me feel ill, worried, and angry all the time...I said enough is enough...yes, it was hard to walk away, but, I had to...my gut instincts were telling me to go...and I cannot go against my inner feelings.

 

Many people I know were surprised I stayed as long as I did, but he ran out of chances...now it's over and done...no more "I love yous".

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know what you mean...I stayed for nearly 5 years of this baloney...I tried so hard until it started making me feel ill, worried, and angry all the time...I said enough is enough...yes, it was hard to walk away, but, I had to...my gut instincts were telling me to go...and I cannot go against my inner feelings.

 

Many people I know were surprised I stayed as long as I did, but he ran out of chances...now it's over and done...no more "I love yous".

 

"No more I love you's" is actually a song by Annie Lennox!

[dreamwarrior]

I know...hehe...I love that song.