looking for help with mixed messages form ex

[john4321]

looking for help here. my ex tells me she wants nothing to do with me so i leave her alone. we do not see or talk to each other for months. but something will happen and she will get in touch with me. always an excuse. she had a crisis with a new boyfriend and she calls. they were spitting up, she calls. she needs help around the house, she calls. so after a while i say no more and we do not talk or write. but again she sends me notes asking me if i want to do something, only to take it back. or notes saying how much she misses me, only yo yake it back. on night she shows up at my house after a few drinks and we talk all night. she got here about 9 and we stayed up until 4am she stayed over and when the topic of sex was brought up i said no way. i also told her tomorrow she would say no again, and she did. well after that she said no contact, but called me to help her with something again. another excuse. what should i do, she knows i still love her and would want to try again, we were together for over 20 years, what do people think?

[amipushy]

I think that this will continue to happen for as long as YOU ALLOW IT to.

[duppy_conqueror]

if she keeps coming to you, then you need to change your security. change your phone number, email address if you truly want to disconnect yourself from your ex and be able to move forward!!! she strings you along, and turns hot and cold all over the place..how does that make it any easier for you? given your long history together, its understandable that you might want to remain friends, or initiate contact once you are through your healing process. but for the time being, if you want to get over it and go forward, she needs to be out of the picture just like you agree to be, and you need to go to all lengths to insure that is undergone.

[john4321]

agree i probably should, but i still love her and want to be with her. it is like an addiction. i am trying to understand why she does this.

[itsallgrand]

I think you get the truth of where someone really stands when you give them the space to clear up their confused minds and hearts without you.

 

I know it ain't easy. Anyone here can tell you that. Though I must admit, I don't have experience with a 20 year relationship. Gotta be upfront about that. Don't know if it matters.

 

What else can you do? I know I wanted the truth. We all get to that point eventually, I think. Whether we first have to go through the ringer back n forth or we just walk away and watch what happens.

 

She knows you love her. You not jumping on her beck n call - she won't forget it just because you aren't standing there next to you.

Same with her knowing you want her back.

 

But she now needs to know that though you love her - you are also strong and can choose to live without her. You need to know that too.

 

all the best.

[john4321]

thank you for that. it is hard to stand strong when you want somebody. i have done it on the short term but have not been able to break away long term. she was my life.

[amipushy]

Remember this and even tell her when she comes back to stop you moving on because she cannot bear you being happy with someone else....

 

SHE CHOSE THIS, YOU DID NOT.

 

Be strong because if you are not, she will see you as weak and walk all over you until she grinds you into the carpet, and then walks right over you and out of your life for good.

[john4321]

well thanks and there is nobody else. do not know if i am ready for that yet, not after 20 plus years. last time i dated it was 1986 lol. but maybe being strong is the right way to go, letting her see what life is when i am not there. when she can no lnger just call me and have me be there for when she needs it. either be there all the time or none. is that what you are saying

[amipushy]

well thanks and there is nobody else. do not know if i am ready for that yet, not after 20 plus years. last time i dated it was 1986 lol. but maybe being strong is the right way to go, letting her see what life is when i am not there. when she can no lnger just call me and have me be there for when she needs it. either be there all the time or none. is that what you are saying

 

Absolutely. What real choice do you have? Half a life with a woman who half loves you and uses you.?- A woman who only comes back because she doesn't want you to find happiness with a woman who will love you competely? That's worse than no life at all.

[john4321]

i see what you are saying and i do not disagree, it is just hard. it is so nice to see her and to be with her, but i guess if there is a chance for us i must not let that happen, and maybe someday i will find another. so you think she does it to try to prevent me from moving on. if she left and does not care why act like that. sorry i know i am a liite screwed up, just trying to figure things out, and thanks for the help

[amipushy]

i see what you are saying and i do not disagree, it is just hard. it is so nice to see her and to be with her, but i guess if there is a chance for us i must not let that happen, and maybe someday i will find another. so you think she does it to try to prevent me from moving on. if she left and does not care why act like that. sorry i know i am a liite screwed up, just trying to figure things out, and thanks for the help

 

Nobody said it was easy or that there is no chance of getting back together but you allowing her to walk freely into your life and all over you will only delay her feeling your loss and I know that seeing her is nice and it comforts you but right now she has it all and you have less than half of nothing.

 

"If she left and does not care why act like that?" Because she does still care but it doesn't mean that she will come back, understand? And its all the more reason why you need to release her clinging arms from around you and let her sink or swim by herself.

[john4321]

thank you for that, i guess i need to let her go is right. if she needs me it has to be all or nothing, not using me to get through and on to her next adventure. she even called me one time thinking she was pregnant and did not call the other guy. she knew he did not want kids and thought i could help. amazing

[john4321]

well she called me last night, said she would go out with me for my birthday, called this morning and cganged her mind, wow that is cruel

[amipushy]

Did you ask her to?

[john4321]

yes i did, and she said yes, thought it was a great plan, called this morning and said no, crushed me