Advice Please

[whattodonow]

I am new here. This board is great! I am looking for some good outsider advice.

 

I flipped out and sent a scathing email to my boyfirend saying I was getting off of the rollercoaster and I was done. We had gotten into a fight 2 nights before, and hadn't talked for a day and a half.

 

He said to gleave his stuff for him, and I responded by saying I loved him and if he ever wanted a healthy relationship to let me know.

 

Two days later, I felt terrible at what I had done, and wanted to talk to him and let him know my end of things. Apologized for what I said, and the like.

He responded no, you have no respect for me, we will be friends one day, but he was still pissed and needed time to get over it. I told him that wasn't the case, but I understood.

 

I let it go the next day, but the following day I sent a LOOONGG email apologizing of what I had done, how I treated him, and the went into detail about the things I had learned in our relationship.

 

He sent me a text that night that he would be coming to get his stuff in the am, just leave it outside. I told him I was sorry that he hated me now. It led to a few more messages, as I persisted he finally told me that it is done and I didn't deserve his thoughts and feelings. Twist it any way you like. I told him I wouldn't bother him any more.

 

The next day he picked up his stuff as I was leaving for work. We did not speak. The next day I sent a text saying I missed him. He responded with "Yeah, it stinks". I responded with, "yeah, you're right. I deserve it."

 

Sorry this was so long, but I wanted the story out there. Anyway, I have not contacted him for 4 days. My friend said he is just being a child, and manipulating you to feel bad. I do feel bad, he is doing a great job. Part of me says give him space, if you see him, just say hi and thats it. Part of me wants to email him again and tell him that I want to try again, to start over. I honestly have seen my mistakes in this relationship (and they were not small), and am working through them. I feel like I have turned a new leaf with myself, and have every intention of continuing on that path. I guess I am just having doubt because I never clearly said I want to try again, because I know how much I have hurt him. Any advice? Thank you all for your posts too, they have been great to read.

[sparkles4]

I'd give him some space. You apologized to him repeatedly and acknowledged your mistakes, and there's nothing more you can really do besides that. He's not ready to forgive you yet, and he may be being a bit childish, but he's obviously still upset at this point and needs some time to think about things.

[DN]

If he is intending to get back with you when he is ready then his behaviour might be childish. But if he has had enough and has no intentions of coming back then he isn't being childish at all. He has said the relationship is over and that he doesn't want to talk to you - why is that being childish?

 

I think you should send him one last message saying you would like a chance to fix things up and ask him to try again. But if he says no I think you have to accept it.

[Lionel Hutz]

I think hes got a right to be upset. You have a right to apologize, and niether of you can change each other. The best thing you can do is stop apologizing. When you do it over and over and over and over, AND OVER again, it becomes begging. Its soooooo unattractive, not to deduct your physical appearance. The more you apologize the more "right" hes goin to feel. Move on. He may think, "WOW shes over it like that, wait...." So forget trying to change his mind. He may come back with "Ive done alot of thinking....." Or not. You apologized and thats all you can do, he can grow up and accept it or he can cross his arms and talk about how mean you were. Its gonna be tough but just leave him alone. The more you plead the more annoyed and refreshed he will be of negative behaviors. Leave him alone, and let his imagination sugar coat you if it is allowed.

[whattodonow]

Thanks everyone. I say childish because those were my friends words, and he does have a tendency towards revenge like behavior (if that makes sense) when he is hurt. I didn't mean to sound like he wasn't justified for being mad at me. He absolutely has every right to every one of his feelings. Thank you all.

 

I suppose I will feel a sort of closure if I just straight up say I'd like to try again, and he responds or doesn't. Even if his response hurts, at least I can move on knowing I laid it out that I love him, miss him, didn't want to give up, and want to try to have a new life with him. At least then I will be able to go out and not worry about seeing him and ruining any chance of him forgiving me. I have spent the past week wanting to go out to some local spots, but haven't gone for fear he would see me and then some great unknown thing would happen. I will send one message saying I want to try again, and leave it at that. Our social lives are intertwined, and there is nothing I can do about that. Maybe this will bring me closure, so no matter what happens I feel like I can at lest be in the same bar with him and not be a nervous mess thinking about what he is thinking the whole time. UUHHHGGG! Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with relationships.

Thanks Everyone!

Thank you all for your responses.

[Pandaman211]

and I responded by saying I loved him and if he ever wanted a healthy relationship to let me know

 

^I bet you that pissed him off. You broke up with him, so the balls in your court, you shouldn't try and put it in his. I realize you were probably just upset, regretting breaking up with him, and wanted to imply that you wanted to try again. I think in the long run, you definitely need to go NC. But the guys hurt that you rushed into breaking up with him like that, and he probably doesn't trust you right now. Give him time to think about it. If you feel you have clearly presented to him (knowing how he interprets things) that you want to get back together, then don't say anything. You said you've clearly apologized to him a couple times, and since IDK you or him, and also since you've only been not in contact for 4 days, I would just go ahead and make your intentions clear: you made a mistake, and you would love nothing more than to correct your wrongs and get back together (assuming you don't feel that you've been exactly clear). Whats there to lose? you've only been outta contact for 4 days, so its not like you buckled under the pressure after a few months. IF he doesn't respond/doesn't give you a favorable response, at least he knows you want him back, and you don't have to worry about it in the future, thinking "damn i should've made myself more clear".

 

I think your friend is just trying to make you feel better about things by saying hes immature. None of us know what exact kind of relationship you had, what your fights were about, etc., so its hard to say if thats a legitimate comment or not. But I'll say this: Being a dude, for w/e reason, my gf broke up with me after a didnt talk for 1.5 days after a fight(especially if it was caused by her), and then broke up with me, I would definitely be hurt, pissed off, and questioning her intentions/trust.

 

It sounds like you didn't mean to, and are really sorry, so thats a good start. Thats my take on it. A lot of people on here will tell you to stop contacting him right away, but I think its more reliant on whether you think hes interpreted that you made a big mistake and you want him back. I also strongly feel since YOU broke up with HIM, and if you truly want him back, you need to SHOW him that you're not the same you that rushed into breaking up, treated him that way (not sure if that was the issue?), that you've worked on those things, and show some mature remorse, and not rely so much on words, more on ACTIONS. But thats my two cents.

[happyforyou]

respect his wishes for space. let him get things sorted out.