Age gap not the only problem

[MrJames]

I probably know the answer to my own question but I'm still interested in other people's responses.

 

I'm a 30 year old guy and I find myself in love with a 17 year old. We met through a penpal website a few years ago. Despite the age difference we have similar beliefs, interests and even like a lot of the same music. In the past few months she has very openly revealed that she is very in love with me. I've reciprocated the feelings because, well, I really do love her. She is amazing in so many ways and it never feels like she is way younger than me. I've always gotten along well with older and younger people.

 

We aren't letting it turn into an actual relationship because she lives far away (like 4,000km). We've never met in person either.

 

And here's where it gets really complicated. She thinks I'm 19. ](*,)

 

I don't know why I lied about my age. I realize it was extremely stupid of me and I feel guilty every day. I guess part of me thought she would stop talking to me if I told her my real age. And I didn't think it really mattered because I certainly wasn't looking for romance. I wasn't even all that optimistic about the penpal thing lasting very long.

 

So I think I know what I SHOULD do. Let her down gently without revealing the truth. Maybe tell her that I've met a great girl in my own town and then I'll just gradually drop off the radar. I think that would cause the least pain.

 

But there's part of me (the stupid part?) that thinks maybe I should tell her the truth and hope that her love for me is strong enough to see beyond it. I know its very unlikely to work out that way. I lied about my age, but all the feelings I have ever expressed for her have always been 100% genuine.

 

I'll let everyone else have their say now. Feel free to call me stupid (or worse!), it won't hurt my feelings. Constructive advice, especially from anyone who's been in a similar situation, would be appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone. You need to do the mature thing and tell her the truth about your age.

I'm a 30 year old guy and I find myself in love with a 17 year old. We met through a penpal website a few years ago

 

So essentially depending on where you live, she was probably under the "age of consent" when you first starting talking it her....

 

Why would you play mind games with a young girl like this? You are doing more damage than you might imagine.

 

Tell her the truth and let her go.

 

We aren't letting it turn into an actual relationship because she lives far away (like 4,000km). We've never met in person either.

 

What is the point of this exactly? Titalation?

[avman]

And here's where it gets really complicated. She thinks I'm 19.

 

This is your big problem here. You've led her on under false pretenses and that is very unfair and manipulative. Being that she is so young makes it even more troubling.

 

I would not expect a fairy tale ending to this situation. You owe her the truth and nothing less. And I would advise you to discontinue this whole charade with her. Let her live her life in peace and find happiness without being lied to and manipulated by someone older.

[Snoopy24]

wow..my advice would be to please leave this poor girl alone.

[jcrisph]

I think you might creep her out a little. You told her you were 19 and your really 30. Big difference.

[Snoopy24]

and you do owe her the truth so she can be more aware in the future that not everyone online says who they really are.

[FoxLocke]

Uhm, how can you love a person you've never met?

 

Furthermore, I could see fibbing about your age by a couple of years (like saying you're 27 or 28 ) but you knocked off an entire decade.

 

You can't forge relationships on lies. Let her find some nice HS boy to attend prom with and you meet a nice 20 or 30something in your area.

[BellaDonna]

Let her down gently without revealing the truth. Maybe tell her that I've met a great girl in my own town and then I'll just gradually drop off the radar. I think that would cause the least pain.

 

Well, that will cause you the least pain, but she will be left thinking you chose someone else over her.

 

To cause her the least pain- tell her the truth: That you lied and that you are really 30 years old and that it would be in her best interest if you stopped taking.

[DN]

Any feelings that she has for you are based on a lie so she isn't in love with you but the person you pretended to be. There is no way that you can put that right. So the only honourable and right thing to do now is to tell her the truth and leave her alone.

 

Telling her the truth and hoping she will want to continue is not good enough. If she were to want to continue it would be because she is only 17 and she will not have the necessary experience and judgment to make that decision for the right reasons.

 

What you did was very wrong - don't perpetuate that wrong any longer.

[lostandhurt]

None of this is real. This is a fantasy world you have created and now it might hurt a very young girl. Do the right thing and stay away from her please.

 

lost

[Mythical_Suicide]

None of this is real. This is a fantasy world you have created and now it might hurt a very young girl. Do the right thing and stay away from her please.

 

lost

 

 

Couldn't have said it better myself..

You owe this girl enough to be honest with her and leave her alone.

[jenny_mcs]

 

I'm a 30 year old guy and I find myself in love with a 17 year old. We met through a penpal website a few years ago.

 

So, when you started this pen-pal relationship, she was 14 or 15 years old, corresponding with someone that she thought was 16 or 17? And in reality you were in your late 20's? "falling in love" with a 14-15 year old? I think you know how wrong this is. After you come clean with her, I hope you seek counseling.

[jettison]

The ONLY potential reason I could see for not coming clean about your age would be if naked pics of some kind (or other nefarious activity) were exchanged. Just how serious did this get? If coming clean meant you may be going to jail then some incredibly lame get-off-the-hook story may be warranted.

 

Otherwise, if you didn't cross that line (and God forbid if you did), then come completely clean, and do it sooner then later. You need to tell her your age, tell her why you didn't tell her, and tell her that you won't bother her anymore. There is a VERY slim chance that this girl (and that's what she is... a girl) may still fancy you somehow after your disclosure. Considering her age and your location though, there's about a -1% chance of this working out anyway so do the smart thing and end this little charade completely.

 

If you really "love" her, as you claim, then you'll let her go, let her heal, and let her concentrate on someone more appropriate. Otherwise, it's not that you love her at all, but rather, you'd just like to possess her. That's completely different, and really, the opposite of love.

[ladyblue07]

For her own good, you should tell her the truth about your age. It will be an important lesson to her.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

Lying about your age is unforgivable.Tell her the truth,man.How about it?

[MrJames]

Thank you everybody for your replies. If it's any consolation I feel like complete scum for what I've allowed to happen.

 

To the person who asked if nude pics or anything like that has been exchanged, the answer is no. I knew that was one line I would never cross. Plus for most of the time it has been just a friendship.

 

As for falling in love with a 14/15 year old I must point out that it's only in the past 4 months or so that I've felt this way. 17 isn't as bad as 14/15 but it's still not good, I realize that.

 

I suggested ending it without telling her the truth because I thought that would cause her the least harm. I know people will doubt me when I say this but I really do care about her immensely and never want to see her hurt.

 

Yes I am going to seek some couselling soon too.

 

Thanks again for any advice you have to offer.

[waveseer]

You perpetuated a lie for three years with someone you called a friend. That just doesn't add up. I would not want to know what you think is okay behavior with people you don't call friends. The reason you are unable to have a relationship based on reality is because you don't understand that having a false relationship is equivalent to not having one at all. You think that your relationship with her progressed with time but it didn't. You think that both of your feelings developed into something deeper over time but they didn't. She is not in love with you and you are incapable of being in love with her. She is in love with a 19 year old. You are in love with the idea of being in love but if you really loved her you would not have allowed the lie to go on so long. Face it, you were playing with her all along and she fell for your games. One thing I can tell you is that it would never work in person. But you already knew that. Would you like to change? If so you need to start accepting who you are and the responsibilities that go with being that person. There is no easy way out.

[avman]

I suggested ending it without telling her the truth because I thought that would cause her the least harm.

 

No, that will cause her the most harm. Because then she'll assume it ended because of her instead of the fact that you lied to her and manipulated her. Now of course it's easiest on YOU that way but that's not what we're talking about here.

 

You need to tell her the truth. Period.

[Car Chick]

You need to be honest with her, if you really love her, you'd tell the truth.

 

Also, why are you even asking about this if it's not about a relationship and if you're really in love with her, why does the distance matter?

[Car Chick]

I agree that he needs to be honest with her, but why leave her alone? They like talking, why ruin that?

[Mythical_Suicide]

I agree that he needs to be honest with her, but why leave her alone? They like talking, why ruin that?

 

 

Well lets see, he has lied to her about his age.

He is falling in love with a MINOR who he has LIED to.

In some places it is ILLEGAL.

 

 

Wow, I wonder why he needs to quit talking to her.

[abitbroken]

Well...if you have any hope that when you reveal your real age, she will see "past it" she may because she doesn't may not have the experience in life yet to be discerning about what things should be forgiven and then gotten over and what should be forgiven but a cause of breaking things off or a deal breaker. I think that accepting her "being accepting of this" would be very wrong for you to take advantage of.

[Coffee Talk]

Okay, here's my opinion:

 

The truth of the matter is, I really think that so far, no matter how much you care about her, you've only been really thinking about yourself.

 

I think that there is a part of you that realizes this is wrong, or else you wouldn't have felt the need to lie about your age in the first place.

 

I think that no matter what, you're going to impact this girl's life in a negative way. If you come clean and tell her the truth, it will hurt your integrity because you lied. But if you remain on this path, you know you are doing the wrong thing.

 

Although it may seem as though you have a lot in common, there are many life experiences that she has not gone through or experienced yet. So whether it appears otherwise, you are really worlds apart.

 

Truthfully, I think that if you stop for a moment and really think about her and what's best for her, perhaps it's best to let her go and go find someone a little closer to your own age and life experience level.

 

And for heaven sake, next time ... be honest with yourself and be honest with them.

 

Good luck.

[savignon]

You think the best thing to do is tell her that you've met someone else and not come clean? Either way, you are going to cause a lot of damage to her ability to trust men in the future. You've been lying for YEARS? To a 17 year old, a 30 year old may as well be 50. And a liar is a liar. She does not love *you*, she loves your lie.

Telling her you met someone else gets YOU off the hook and leaves her forever wondering what she did wrong that you loved her one minute and not the next. How selfish!! (you said we can call you names, but I'll leave it at that)