Lack of trust, insecurity and extreme distraction during first meeting and first sex

[BusyNAbroad]

This is related to a story I have mentioned numerous times throughout my stay at ENA, but I would prefer if you sticked only to the details I provide here since many things have changed since the beginning, from my attitude and feelings, to the factual information I about the whole story. You'll see the story under a whole new light...

 

Seven months ago, one of my high-school 'admirers' (a few years junior) who now lives and studies abroad, got in touch with me via messenger. I followed my heart, and what resulted was a quite intense long distance flirt, which also included sessions via webcam that lasted from early evening till late in the morning next day.

 

However, since this was the first time I pursued such a relationship, and it even seemed too unbelievable to me that such a physically beautiful girl would still be interested in me after so many years we hadn't seen each other, [and perhaps because I did have some self-confidence issues at the time she contacted me via messenger], I couldn't keep myself from investigating the situation. It began with reading all her Facebook wall posts. By the fourth month, I had four fake Facebook accounts with which I had added her friends to keep track of their conversations. Then I even started talking with them and her friends, under covert identities...

I became so obsessed with investigating that I developed a very negative-minded attitude, and spent hours, sometimes even days, just trying to gather information instead of talking with her or living my own life. I might have as well become a corporate spy...

What I read and discovered led me to jump to quick conclusions which sometimes turned out to be wrong but still kept my attitude quite negative. Other times they were true, but didn't have any conclusive implications about her actual emotions towards me.

 

My prevailing belief was that she was probably just trying to string me along but would never even come and visit me after all these years. As a matter of fact, she once started planning to spend a weekend with me but canceled in the last minute. This increased my doubts.

 

On the surface, while talking with her, I maintained a normal attitude, although I think she started to notice that I took longer to reply, or that I sometimes tried to change topic or avoid saying something that would reveal my insecurity or knowledge about her...

 

My real life activities changed drastically. I became so immersed in this that, over the last seven months, I even abandoned all my extra-curricular activities just to find more time to investigate (and ask advice from friends and forums), and well, my performance at studies dropped to zero.

I now think this happened because even though I had doubts about her and the whole long distance relationship, I felt it was a kind of a confidence/ego-blow to know that someone would just string me along. So it became my priority to find information to disprove it...

I think these were some of the most foolish choices I have ever made in my whole life, and in the end they turned against me.

 

Exactly one week ago, she came to spend a day with me, with only a few days of notice, because she had to urgently visit her mother who lives 2 hours away from me.

I didn't believe her that she would come, until the second I actually saw her at the train station. I also think that from that moment on, my insecurity was clearly visible to her. My mind was simultaneously in excitement about her presense and in confusion about her motives. This made me live with a very negative vibe.

I had a distant voice, and sometimes answered her questions distractedly.

And my overall distraction caused me to become extremely disoriented, that I once took the wrong bus direction, got off on the wrong floor at my own building, almost missed the last bus to the train station, etc. - consider that I worked as a tour guide, so these are quite bizarre mistakes for someone like me! I still wonder how I could become so disconnected from reality...

At my place, we made out, and made love...

No... we didn't make love. She made it, and now that I think back at the scene, I probably came through as either very inexperienced/insecure or indifferent...

 

And here's a detail I was... embarrassed... to mention: While we were still making love, and I seemed insecure as usual, she asked me I hurting you (I had some muscle pain due to an accident)? Are you tired? Are you hungry? Shall I cook something for you? Do you want to go out and eat?"

I replied (with the same attitude, but not meaning anything bad!) you decide... you're the guest..."

She Come on, tell me! What do you want?"

I Hmmm.... we're here since hours and lunch time has already passed... (checked my watch). Perhaps we should go out and eat? Indeed, I'm hungry..."

We cuddled and made out for a little while, and then dressed to go out. While we were outside, she started becoming indifferent towards me. When I tried to kiss her, she just let me kiss her cheeks. She paid for the lunch.

And while we were on the bus going to the station she barely spoke with me, instead started softly singing and looking outside the window.

 

After she left, she didn't message me or call me, as she usually did. When I logged on messenger, she didn't write any romantic messages as she usually did. She didn't write anything at all. Not even "Hi!". After a day of silence, I asked her "How's everything?", and then she started saying that we probably "want different things!". I tried to find and excuse and say that I was simply paying attention to her wishes, but I guess she didn't believe it... She told me that I "never tell her anything. Even when she asks me, there are so many things I am keeping for myself instead of telling her...", and that "I probably have a weak character...". She you don't talk to me, that means something must be wrong between us."

 

I don't know whether we "broke up", but since that conversation she didn't write to me anymore. She is very busy these days with exams, and I don't know whether it's the end...

 

I am ready to expect the worst, but right now I know for sure that all this time she wasn't just "stringing me along". She even brought me gifts and paid me a quite expensive meal after we had incomplete sex... (which probably even left her frustrated).

 

My conclusion is that my greatest mistake was the lack of trust and the following insecurity. All those emotions had accumulated into an extremely negative vibe that she felt on that day of our real life encounter...

 

After everything that I did, I probably don't deserve her anymore, even as a friend. I am ready to abandon everything and start a new life.

But at least I want to find a way to tell her that the person she met that day was not my true self...

 

Is there anything else I could do?

 

To regain trust? To let her understand that this was a simply bad day/bad period for me?

 

](*,)

 

To restore some positive vibe, and romance?

[LBP]

Dude! What were you thinking?

 

What you need to do is come forward NOW with all the wacky stuff you've done (okay, not everything... Maybe hide it a little by saying, 'I was feeling really anxious because I like you a lot and I've been looking forward to seeing you so much,' that kind of thing) and do the things that she has asked you to do. You've been a goon. A total goon. Everything has been wrong!! I don't know why she saw you in the first place, you were acting so insecure...

 

If she'll go back to square one with you, you'll have a chance. I don't think this is likely. For future reference, never do any of these things in the future. No facebook spying, no anticipation, no nothing except for being yourself and living in the moment. You're clearly a very insightful and intelligent young man - that's probably what she liked about you. Freaking out about NOTHING only served to wreck what could have been something good.

 

Learn from this, above all. Holy crap, next time you talk to her, be yourself - talk about the things you care about, your thoughts and the things that interest YOU. She'll go along for the ride and bring along plenty more besides.

 

Good luck, my friend.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your cold behaviour, especially right after making love, was probably the last straw for her. Perhaps you should talk to her and be completely and totally open with her about why you were the way you were and let her know that you understand why she distrusts you now. Tell her how you feel about her and maybe over time her heart will soften.

[zachiphus]

For future reference, never do any of these things in the future. No facebook spying, no anticipation, no nothing except for being yourself and living in the moment.

 

Easily some of the best advice I've read in awhile.

[waveseer]

Long distance can do weird things to people. Sometimes they do things they would never do otherwise. Forgive yourself and then ask her forgiveness. Do it whether you think there's any possibility of her forgiving you or not and whether you think there's any possible future relationship or not.

[lady00]

Sounds like she found your insecurity and post-coital indifference a turnoff. Only thing you can do is try to explain how you were feeling.

[BusyNAbroad]

Thanks for all your suggestions.

 

I am in 8 days "No Contact" now... and somehow feel that I should stay more time "developing on myself" before talking to her again.

 

She seems to have totally become crazy now. Putting more provocative photos on her Facebook profile, staying online almost all the time, flirting with all guys on her own wall, etc.

 

Perhaps It'll be best to return when she's calmed down a bit.

[lady00]

Sounds like more drama. Fun!

 

Seriously though...why don't you just talk to her and be honest with her. To be honest, sounds like she likes to play games. But you didn't exactly treat her all that well. I don't know...you both sound like you need to do a lot of self-work before being with anyone.

[BusyNAbroad]

However, I still wonder how I could become so distracted and "out of my mind"...

Never happened to me at such an extreme level!

[savignon]

It sounds like you were on a MISSION ....a very serious, time consuming, exausting one, to prove to yourself that she wouldn't really be interested in you....and for alllllll that energy you invested, you proved yourself right. See how that works? Hopefully you can see where you went wrong and not do it again.

[BusyNAbroad]

I still didn't find the courage nor a lucid plan on how to contact her again.

I'm so scared now that I fear that any step I take might only make things worse...

[lady00]

I still didn't find the courage nor a lucid plan on how to contact her again.

I'm so scared now that I fear that any step I take might only make things worse...

 

Maybe it's for the best. It sounds like you need some time on your own to work on yourself.

[BusyNAbroad]

I feel that I am slowly progressing on the self-development now... as I said, I am meeting many new people again, going out with other women (in my own city this time...), working on my hobbies again, including new ones. Trying to study again

 

Yet, with all the confidence I am regaining by talking to so many women, I don't feel safe that I will be able to say the right thing at the right time to this particular woman we're talking about...