How do I work through this?

[media25]

So the quick back story is we've been together for 7 years and he is a touring muso. About 2-3 yrs ago there were some breakdowns in our relationship and he had an emotional affair online with a girl who he'd met overseas and then kissed a girl on NYE and spent all Jan 1 with her... telling her he was going to break up with me. (no sex was involved) However, on his way home he realised he wanted to still be with me, had been stupid, I kicked him out for a night or more, we went to counselling, etc. and everything has been going really well since.

 

The underlying issue though that keeps coming up is where his priorities lie. Yes music for him comes first because that is who he is, and I understood that coming into the relationship. Unfortunately this means often I'm put second. We share a diary so we can see what each is doing and thereforee schedule dates / social events around each other's work commitments. If he has a show - I work around him. However, it seems that if I organise a mutual social gathering with friends, or something like that, and a gig comes up I still have to play second fiddle.

 

Recently I spent a lot of time organising a get together, with a lot of rescheduling etc. and we finally all worked out a day and time we could have a festive social gathering. Fine. All booked, etc. I discovered (not told!) today he has booked a gig that clashes and he isn't budging. Again, music vs. me and our friends.

 

I think it is sooooo very wrong and I'm deeply hurt that he just doesn't get it. The big issue for me is where I stand and why he doesn't realise that I should be more important than a gig that came up days ago vs. an arrangement planned weeks ago.

 

Grr.... any advice??

[Angel_baby]

Relationships come with compromising. And from what it seems you do all the compromising and he does very little. While I understand his music career is important to him. So are you. You need to have a serious discussion with him regarding this and tell him that you don't want him to give up his music as you know it's important to you but he needs to also be there for you to.

[media25]

Thanks. I'm going to talk to him tonight. I went and stayed at my Mum's last night, and he's playing until late tonight... I was sooo angry yesterday and some of the fight has gone out of me but it doesn't change the facts.

[artandlies]

I agree with what you're saying. Even though music is hs career, it's disrespectful and unfair to you if you're always getting put on the back burner. It sounds like he's sort of taking you for granted...? I would explain to him that you understand music is extremely important to him, but that what he is doing to you is very hurtful and then see where he stands. Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing?

[media25]

I think the hard part is that he does know what he is doing yet keeps doing it... instead of making a compromise because it is important to me, he simply tries to rearrange things so he still can have his own way. This time that hasn't worked but he hasn't offered any solution other than "change the time" which is impossible because one of our friends invited to the get-together is flying home for Christmas that same evening. He's choosing to come late which really actually means pretty much missing the entire thing!

 

Thanks so much for the help. It makes me feel a bit better to be able to get it off my chest.