please help!!! pregnant and need to tell parents

[ericag]

Well, in march of this year, i became pregnant with my boyfriend of 8 months. We were having stupid, un-safe sex. Before I had even known I was pregnant, my boyfriend turned from a sweet, loving guy, to a crazy controlling and obsessive monster. My parents saw it and feared for me and the life of my future child. So i had an abortion. It was an experience that is still with me very much so today. My boyfriend at the time and I broke up and im currently in the process of getting a restraining order against him. I got a new boyfriend and we have been in a relationship for six months. I currently am away at college and im 18 years old. My current boyfriend and I have a great relationship with each other. Ive been on birthcontrol since may, after my abortion. My current boyfriend and I have had sex and i have taken all of my birth control pills on time, never once missing a day.So it was to my surprise that three weeks ago i missed my period. It was strange but I thought It was stress from finals so I continued with my pills and thought nothing of it. Until suddenly I realized a week later i STILL hadn't got my period. I took two pregnancy tests and to my surprise noticed i was pregnant. My boyfriend and I are in complete shock wondering how this could have possibly occurred. I calculated the possible date of conception and my heart dropped. The week of conception i had been on antibiotics. I didnt know antibiotics could effect the effectiveness of your birth control. My boyfriend and I are planning on keeping the baby, we have plenty of support from his side of the family, but im just frightened to tell my parents again. I dont want to disappoint them but this was a situation where i really had no control over. i did everything like i was supposed to and yet this happened. i will NOT get an abortion again, after my first one i vowed to never do that again, so thats not a choice for me. i just reallly, reallly, REALLY need some help

[waveseer]

Are you afraid they will judge you as irresponsible? Are you afraid they'll be angry? Are you afraid of being excommunicated from your family? Are you afraid of telling them your plans?

[PsychGirly]

You should sit your parents down with your bf by your side, & explain to them that you were on birth control & thing's just happened to take a turn.

 

The more maturely & stable you seem about your decision to keep the baby, & if your parents see that your bf is willing to be by your side & support you throughout & post pregnancy, the more understanding they will be.

[welshieme71]

Wow so you must be one of those .01 % of girls who take their pill daily and exactly on time who get pregnant! Wow! You should play the lotto, because the statistical significance of that is incredible. The thing about adulthood is every hard decision has huge consequences...right? Like the decision to have sex. Its * * * * ty I know but I've found its part of life. So knowing that we cant get away from that fact, Im going to give you some tough love.

 

 

I think that there is no easy way to tell your parents. I think you should own it completely and just say ok heres the deal im pregnant and this is my plan (of course you have to put some thought into your course of action). Such as ie: This is how im going to pay for the kid. Or this is how we can face this together. Because you're going to need their help. Maybe you should consider adoption so that this child could have a chance at a two-parent home, one where they are desperate to be parents. Just consider what im saying. Good luck.

[ericag]

Are you afraid they will judge you as irresponsible? Are you afraid they'll be angry? Are you afraid of being excommunicated from your family? Are you afraid of telling them your plans?

 

im afraid of all of that

[littlestar]

im afraid of all of that

 

You're going to have to learn to get over this fear and tell them as best you can, be as honest and mature as you can. You're going to be a mother soon.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think there is no easy way to tell them, but it might help if you and your boyfriend have come up with a plan for how you are going to support the baby without their help.

 

For example, is one or both of you going to get a job? And will you stay home with the baby, or both get jobs so you can pay for child care and try to go to school part time? Or drop out of school?

 

Are your parents paying for school, and will the continue to do so under the circumstances, including supporting this baby?

 

So your best bet is to be prepared with concrete plans for how you intend to support this child, because you will need money to do so, and they may or may not be on board for that.

 

You also might want to consider other options like adoption if you and your boyfriend don't have means to support the child.

[ericag]

ya my boyfriend and i both decided we're gonna work until the baby is born and than when the baby is born he's going to work full time and im gonna stay at home with the child. since my parents pay for my school, and its a private school thats 48,000 per year, i dont expect them to continue to pay so i plan on just saving money until i can afford to go to school. if my parents do not help support the baby his parents will so i am not too fearful that we wont have help,just fearful with their response.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, the way you have to look at it is that you can't control their response, because it is about their feelings and emotions. So you have to accept that they have some right to be upset if they have been shilling out big dollars to send you to school and you are going to drop out. They may also worry that you won't ever go back, and worry that it will change your life in a huge way (depending on what you planned to study and what career you intended).

 

So all you can do is tell them and let the chips fall where they may. But if everyone else knows, you'd best tell them soon because they'd be extra angry if they find out from someone else by accident.

[lost1607307474]

Tell them exactly what happened and exactly how you feel and I am sure they will understand - it's not like you were being reckless, it was a simple mistake that you didn't know antibiotics affected the pill. Have your boyfriend with you if you need the support. Tell them your plans and reassure them that you will be able to handle the situation. If you can do this, they will understand.

[redhearts]

It's called growing up. But most doctors will ask if you are taking other medications (meaning birth control as well) so they won't interfere with each other. So not a very smart doctor unless you hide something. Well life won't be easy from here, you may not be able to stay in school for a while, or it may be part time.

 

Check this out:

 

1. This site is great it tells you basically everything you will need take a look!

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2. link removed

 

3. AND below is separate.

 

 

 

Babies need to be changed between 6 to 10 times a day. Do the math — that means you'll probably be going through 180 to 300 diapers a month!

[hereagain]

yes, redhearts is right, it is important that your doctor advises you of all the affects of other medication on the pill and they should have advised you that antibiotics do reduce the effectiveness of the conctraceptive pill.

 

Also you will find that the instructions inside the packet will also outline certain medications that may affect the pill.

[ericag]

It's called growing up. But most doctors will ask if you are taking other medications (meaning birth control as well) so they won't interfere with each other. So not a very smart doctor unless you hide something. Well life won't be easy from here, you may not be able to stay in school for a while, or it may be part time.

 

yaa i go away to school so i wasnt able to see my regular doctor. i had to go on antibiotics for a health issue, only for three days though,and i was prescribed by the health center, which is why im sure if i would have been able to see my normal doctor, this situation wouldnt have happened.

[redhearts]

yaa i go away to school so i wasnt able to see my regular doctor. i had to go on antibiotics for a health issue, only for three days though,and i was prescribed by the health center, which is why im sure if i would have been able to see my normal doctor, this situation wouldnt have happened.

 

Not really. I been to an urgent care where it wasn't my regular doctor, I seen different ones, THEY ALWAYS ask are you on any other medications. They have to ask that because what they give you may not work, or it'll affect another medicine your taking. Or is it just that not enough people know to ask if it'll affect something their taking? Maybe most females just don't read the birth control brochures.

 

Oh did you check this out? It is a really good shopping list. So you have a good idea what to save up for or buy.

 

link removed

[Hope75]

I just want to make sure that since you found out you are pregnant that you stopped taking the pill immediately, since it can damage the developing fetus if you continue taking it.

[ErikT]

Erica,

 

First and foremost, accept responsibility for getting pregnant! In your last response you made it sound like it was the doctor at the clinic's fault...Accept responsibility now because over the next 18 years and 9 months you are going to have A LOT more responsibility.

 

Second, are you and your boyfriend planning on getting married? Personally, for the sake of your child, I think you should, but that is a decision and a commitment that you and your boyfriend need to make and it needs to be made based on the best situation for your child, not for the two of you.

 

As far as telling your parents: Like another reply said, it's time to grow up. Accept their disappointment, their anger, their unhappiness, or whatever other feelings and consequences they direct towards you. It doesn't matter anymore. Their disappointment will not change the fact you are having a baby. Their refusing to talk to you or help you will not change the fact you are having a baby. For that matter, when you do tell them your pregnant, tell them what I just told you. If they start saying how disappointed they are in you, simply reply, "Mom, Dad, your disappointment does not change the fact that I am pregnant. I accept responsibility for this child and I am going to do whatever I need to do to make sure I support this child for the next 18 years and beyond. If you want to help me, great. If you just want to be disappointed in me, fine. But just remember, Mom and Dad: This is your grandchild we are talking about."

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but you life as you have known it has changed completely. Time to accept it and all of the responsibilities that come with being a parent.

 

Good luck.

Erik

[ErikT]

 

Oh did you check this out? It is a really good shopping list. So you have a good idea what to save up for or buy.

 

link removed

 

I just looked at the website and put in what I believe I bought this year for my 11 month old...$11,722.21 for the first year!!!!

 

No wonder I feel so broke!

 

LOL

[hers]

Erica,

 

 

Second, are you and your boyfriend planning on getting married? Personally, for the sake of your child, I think you should, but that is a decision and a commitment that you and your boyfriend need to make and it needs to be made based on the best situation for your child, not for the two of you.

 

 

How is it the best decision for the child for them to be married? Yes, it's best if they put the child first over themselves, but they don't have to be married to do that. Marriage shoudl come when two people lvoe each other and want to commit to each other, not b/c a baby was made by accident. A baby deserves to come into a world where both people want it, but it doesn't deserve to be in a world where the parents got married "just because" there was a baby, which can later lead to a home filled with resentment and fights if divorce is not a simple and quick solution to any problems within the home. A baby can have a happy and healthy life if both parents love it and try to do their best as parents, but they don't have to be married to do that.

[redhearts]

I agree with hersmudders. I'm totally against people who get married ONLY BECAUSE the guy knocked up the girl. Girl getting pregnant, I know it takes two! You get married because you are in love and want to be with this person. NOT because you got the person pregnant.

[ericag]

i do accept responsibility for getting pregnant and i was only saying that the health clinic knew i was on birth control and never informed me of the risk, that was all. second, yes me and my boyfriend do plan on getting married, and not just because we are expecting a child. we discussed marriage before, in the future of course, and we both do love each other, and coming from two divorced families we both have the motivation to make our relationship work. i am a strong believer that a baby should come from married parents as well. i really agree with your response to what i should say to my parents if they say how disappointed they are in me. thank you.

[redhearts]

It is never a good idea to get married for the wrong reasons. Reasons not to get married include getting married due to love at first sight, sexual attraction, to cure loneliness, as an act of rebellion, rebound love, out of obligation, pressure, pregnancy, and for financial gain. Marriages based on these reasons most likely result in divorce. While for some people, one or all of these reasons may seem like the best thing, but they are not. Some of these reasons are selfish and do not take in the considerations of the other partner's feelings.

 

source: link removed

 

More often than not, people rush into marriage for erroneous reasons. We have all heard of the clichéd stories of young people getting married as the result of a pregnancy, but the list does not stop there. Many times, people get married simply because they think they should.

 

The notion that marriage is inevitable has permeated American culture for years. While the age of marriage is not as low as it was 50 years ago, numerous young adults are still getting married under the assumption that it will make them truly happy. Sure, for people who are really in love and feel confident that marriage is really the way to take their happiness up to another level, it's the right choice. Divorce rates, however, should serve as an indicator that marriage is not the fairytale land it appears to be.

 

source: link removed

 

Wrong Reasons to Get Married:

 

Want to be free from parents.

To have sex.

To ease loneliness.

To be happy.

To be an adult.

Because of a pregnancy.

He or she loves you.

To save or help someone.

Because you want a baby.

For money.

Because all your friends are married.

You've always wanted a fancy wedding.

Out of fear that no one else will want to marry you.

For immigration purposes.

 

 

Right Reasons to Get Married:

 

You are in love with one another.

A desire to share your life with another.

To have a lifetime companion.

Realistic expectations.

Willingness to help one another fulfill their own needs and dreams.

 

Put it this way, although I think you may lie because of the situation. Ask yourself if you would be married this soon if there wasn't a baby involved?

[ericag]

i most definitely would! he brings out the absolute best in me & inspires me to be a better person. he's been supportive and helpful and i know i can always count on him. he's more than just my boyfriend, he's honestly my best friend (as cheesy as that may sound)

[ErikT]

hersmudders and redhearts,

 

I expected my views on this to be disagreed with by some. I posted this response on another thread, but I'll put it here as well.

 

Isn't it better for a child to come from a two parent home than a single parent home? If we take away any chance of abuse (for this is a justified reason to kick the spouse to the curb and raise the child alone) isn't it better a child grow up learning valuable life-long lessons like accepting responsability, managing differences, conflict resolution, sticking with something you started, etc?

 

Too often, society has decided that it is easier to take the easy way out at the expense of our children. A teenager gets pregnant and we think it is better to raise a child with one parent then expect both parents to make sacrafices (financially, socially, emotionally) and raise the child in a married home. A couple with children decide to get a divorce because, "they just don't love each other anymore." Too bad! For the sake of the children, they need to stay together, overcome their differences, and continue to raise the children in a positive environment. After the children turn 18 and move out, then the parents can get a divorce...

 

Erik

[hers]

I'll be the first person to agree with you that 2 people who make a baby should set aside all differences & try to love & be there for the baby the best they know how. But this isn't a perfect world. Essentially you're saying that a child who comes from a single-parent home (like I do) can't grow up to be well-rounded & moral & loving. You're also saying that a child who comes from a 2-parent home is better off seeing its parents pretend to be happy rather than showing their child that they have choices & that not everything is perfect & the way that it seems.

 

A 2-parent home doesn't guarantee a happy home. I know single mothers who do better with their children than the parents I know in a 2-parent home. I know people who have said "my parents wouldve been better off divorcing instead of staying unhappily together just for the kids". This isn't a perfect world. So while I agree that a child deserves to come from a loving & happy home, I have to also say that your outlook is naively optimistic.

 

My parents got pregnant with my sister one drunken night before either was 20 years old. They got married just bc of that. Are they still married? Nope. In fact they haven't been married since I was 6 months old, just 27 months after they were married. 27 months was all they made it.

 

I don't feel that 2 parents should automatically give up on each other when times are hard; that sets just as bad an example to kids as the staying together but being miserable just for the kids does. But marriage shouldn't be mandatory for happiness.

 

My best friend of 21 years has 2 children by the same man she's been with since she was 16. They are not married & their girls are 4 & 2. They are happy. They struggle with some things but they hang in there bc they love each other. They don't stay together for the kids, they didn't marry just bc she was pregnant. In fact, they don't know if they'll ever "marry" (despite their situation being a common law marriage technically). Are they setting a bad example for not having wed? Does the ring & piece of paper make the difference, set the "love" in stone? No. Good values, love for each other, love for their children, & good lessons teach their children all of that. Not a ring & a piece of paper just bc she got knocked up one night.

 

So yes, I wish the OP the best even if she does for some reason agree with you that she should get married. She will need that luck. Getting married just bc of pregnancy has a higher risk of an unhappy marriage despite what the parents try to do.

[hers]

I also want to add this:

 

When 2 parents set out to adopt a child, they want that child. They plan it. They want to raise it together & love it & be a family. Bc that baby was so sought out & wanted, the parents clearly have love in their hearts. Right?

 

Do those parents stay together? Some do. Some don't though. I know plenty of adopted people whose parents divorced while they were children. They turned out to be wonderful individuals themselves.

 

The difference between the 2 sets of parents (the adopting ones & the ones with the unplanned pregnancy) is the reasoning for having & making/getting the child. All 4 probably all have love & the child's best intentions at heart, but even the ones that set out to make the best family they know how, making that conscious decision to introduce a new human into their home, sometimes even they don't last.

 

The world isn't perfect. People need to realize that.