He's perfect, but...

[Person1]

I won't go into too many details, but my boyfriend of over a year has dated before and I have not. We have come to a point in our relationship where we'd like to take things more seriously, but I have repeated episodes of freak outs that there might be other people out there who are better suited for me.

 

The thing is, we love each other and he's never ever done anything to hurt me. He's intelligent, goofy and kind and has no commitment issues.

 

However, there are a couple of other guys who I find cute and attractive. Is taking a break to date other people and then most likely getting back together the right thing for us? Or should I trust that guys like my boyfriend don't come around everyday and stay with him?

[littlestar]

I dont think this has anything to do with being in a situation where u havent dated people before.

Anytime u get into a serious relationship with someone you are closing off the opportunity for someone better to come along.

 

Taking a break to date others and come back to him? Hmmmm.....I'd like to see how he handles this! By doing that what you're telling him is "I am going to see if i can find better and if i dont ill settle for you"

[Cognitive_Canine]

I dont think this has anything to do with being in a situation where u havent dated people before.

Anytime u get into a serious relationship with someone you are closing off the opportunity for someone better to come along.

 

Taking a break to date others and come back to him? Hmmmm.....I'd like to see how he handles this! By doing that what you're telling him is "I am going to see if i can find better and if i dont ill settle for you"

 

I agree. It really has little to do with experience and more to do with that fact that you aren't completely satisfied with your relationship.

 

Taking a break usually means breaking up later. And, for good reason, it is unfair to your bf and leads to resentment and insecurity.

[JadedStar]

What do you mean but I have repeated episodes of freak outs that there might be other people out there who are better suited for me.

 

It's probably important to explain that better before we could advise if you need a break with him or maybe you need to just try to control your reactions. If you are flipping out you have to take some ownership for it, you can't expect that anyone person can completely alleviate that. At first read i think you mean you flip out over reasons of insecurity and even tho another person may present fewer triggers, the underlying 'condition' is still there.

 

However, there are a couple of other guys who I find cute and attractive. Is taking a break to date other people and then most likely getting back together the right thing for us?

 

i don't think a person alive would want to be with a person who stated there are other cute guys around and maybe they should take a break and if it doesn't work out, come trotting back. If you think he's a good guy and are even slightly entertaining finding a better replacement i think it is best for his own dignity to let him find a girl who likes him as is. You sound like you are just looking for a bigger better deal but will settle for him if nothing better surfaces.

 

I don't think anything you have stated is due to this being your first relationship. I do not think these are common thoughts that run thru the minds of people in their first relationship if they truly are into the guy.

[Person1]

Let me add a few more details: I had suggested a break a while ago, but then he suggested it recently because he does not feel secure in the relationship as it stands. He just doesn't know when my next freakout is going to happen. He and I both think it may solidify the relationship to take a break and then come back together. We are friendly and both understand that either one of us could find someone else and move on. Does that change the equation a little?

[alli]

If you don't think you will ever be satisfied without "testing out more of the waters" I don't think its a good idea to stay with him forever unsatisfied.

 

If you want that opportunity, don't plan on getting back together with him with the same relationship dynamics that you have now, if you would ever get back together at all.

 

Personally, I did not enjoy dating as an end in itself. I date because I want a relationship, not because it's fun to become attracted to someone who eventually stops returning my calls. Or trying to get someone I decided I was not interested in to leave me alone. After dating one guy after another I started to feel like it was never going to work out with anyone. But I guess you wouldn't be able to have that perspective if you've never experienced it.

 

If it is that important to you, do what you have to do. But keep in mind that the grass is always greener on the other side. And its one or the other. Dating or your current relationship; you can't save one for later.

[Sn0man]

Er, deciding to take a break from him so you can sew your wild oats isn't going to do any favors for your current relationship.

 

If I was dating a girl who decided to take a break from me to 'explore other options', there would be no getting back together. It doesn't work that way.

 

Asking if it's the right thing for 'us' - well that's just silly. Maybe it's the right thing for 'you', but it is in no way whatsoever right for the other person involved.

[stereoeclectic]

However, there are a couple of other guys who I find cute and attractive. Is taking a break to date other people and then most likely getting back together the right thing for us? Or should I trust that guys like my boyfriend don't come around everyday and stay with him?

 

i've been on the receiving end of a "break" twice, and have agreed to take the girl back both times. the "break" always ruined the relationship.

[alli]

Let me add a few more details: I had suggested a break a while ago, but then he suggested it recently because he does not feel secure in the relationship as it stands. He just doesn't know when my next freakout is going to happen. He and I both think it may solidify the relationship to take a break and then come back together. We are friendly and both understand that either one of us could find someone else and move on. Does that change the equation a little?

 

If you replace the words "taking a break" with "breaking up" it will probably give you both more realistic expectations & help you both make a better decision. It is much more likely it will be a break up than a break.

[Person1]

By repeated episodes of freakouts, I mean that when I'm with him at college I am fine, but when I go home, haven't seen him for a while and then come back to college, I start to wonder once again if I could have a different kind of relationship with another guy. Not necessarily better, but just different. I just don't know how I'd be with another kind of guy and the thought bothers me. I have nothing to compare my current relationship to because I've never dated before.

[forever1130]

I won't go into too many details, but my boyfriend of over a year has dated before and I have not. We have come to a point in our relationship where we'd like to take things more seriously, but I have repeated episodes of freak outs that there might be other people out there who are better suited for me.

 

The thing is, we love each other and he's never ever done anything to hurt me. He's intelligent, goofy and kind and has no commitment issues.

 

However, there are a couple of other guys who I find cute and attractive. Is taking a break to date other people and then most likely getting back together the right thing for us? Or should I trust that guys like my boyfriend don't come around everyday and stay with him?

 

 

My situation is very similar to yours...

 

me and my bf have been going out for just over a year and he is my first boyfriend, but im not his first girlfriend.

 

My opinion is if you really, truly loved him, you wouldnt be having these second thoughts.

 

I am so blessed and grateful to have my bf, that i would never even consider taking a break to date other guys cause i know i'm probably not going to find anyone as good as him and i dontwant to take the chance of losing him.

again just my opinion... hope it helps.

[JadedStar]

Let me add a few more details: I had suggested a break a while ago, but then he suggested it recently because he does not feel secure in the relationship as it stands. He just doesn't know when my next freakout is going to happen. He and I both think it may solidify the relationship to take a break and then come back together. We are friendly and both understand that either one of us could find someone else and move on. Does that change the equation a little?

 

I think that you need to work on you and these "freak out" episodes. It sounds like he is very wary of your insecurity and rightly so. have you examined why you are freaking out and taking steps to control the behavior and make it a bit more acceptable, or are you just deciding that your freaking out is warranted and blaming it entirely on him?

 

I don't blame him for not being secure in this wondering when you are going to freak out. That doesn't sound like a very pleasant situation.

 

I think a lot of the outcome of your situation entirely rests mostly on these flipping out episodes. It's never okay to just flip out and freak out in a relationship. If a person is doing something that outlandish and improper you just leave. Otherwise, you need to examine why you behave that way. It sounds like you are looking for another guy to help control your outbursts vs you looking for a way to control them yourself. The answer is in you, not another person.

[Sn0man]

Let me add a few more details: I had suggested a break a while ago, but then he suggested it recently because he does not feel secure in the relationship as it stands. He just doesn't know when my next freakout is going to happen. He and I both think it may solidify the relationship to take a break and then come back together. We are friendly and both understand that either one of us could find someone else and move on. Does that change the equation a little?

Yep, that changes the equasion a little. It tells me that neither of you are really that involved in this relationship. Maybe it's best to end it.

[Batya33]

I think taking a break to comparison shop is a bad idea (vs. taking a break not to see what's out there but to see what's in there - meaning, in your heart - which sometimes you can "see" better by getting some distance from a significant other). I do understand that if you've never dated before him it may seem like a candy store out there. You have to see for yourself - for me, the candy store is a mirage most often.

 

He should not be subjected to your freak out episodes - this is your issue especially since there's nothing he can do - or should do - so that you will be more satisfied or more secure.

 

Just understand - 100% - that if you walk away he may not be waiting for you when you're done sampling what's out there (and if I were his friend I would advise him to take full advantage of sampling as well).

[DropToZero]

in the words of the movie "The Family Man"...

 

Don't screw up the best thing in your life just because you're a little unsure about who you are

 

no more needs said.

[lady00]

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You have to decide whether or not you want to be with him because if you leave to date around he would be unwise to just hang around and wait until you are done. You don't need to date a bunch of people to know if you are with someone who is the right one if you've already found him, you would know by now.

[Batya33]

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You have to decide whether or not you want to be with him because if you leave to date around he would be unwise to just hang around and wait until you are done. You don't need to date a bunch of people to know if you are with someone who is the right one if you've already found him, you would know by now.

 

Well, no, she might not "know by now" - it takes people varying amounts of time, but if she doesn't the answer is not to comparison shop, the answer might be to take some space and time apart to be on her own totally - where she doesn't date or look to date others - and see if she misses him over a period of at least a few months and if so whether she can deal with that or whether she doesn't want to live without him. Or, she can stay with him and see a therapist or various other options. I like the "taking space" option because then the person gets the real perspective of life without the significant other.

[lady00]

Well, no, she might not "know by now" - it takes people varying amounts of time, but if she doesn't the answer is not to comparison shop, the answer might be to take some space and time apart to be on her own totally - where she doesn't date or look to date others - and see if she misses him over a period of at least a few months and if so whether she can deal with that or whether she doesn't want to live without him. Or, she can stay with him and see a therapist or various other options. I like the "taking space" option because then the person gets the real perspective of life without the significant other.

 

I agree with you that comparison shopping is not a good solution. But I disagree on the time thing--I think after a year, a person should know whether or not they want to continue seeing someone. I'm not saying they should know whether or not they want to get married but I think they should know whether or not it is working and they are happy and they want to be with that person.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If you are still in college and still looking around, it means you are young and just not ready to get serious with anyone right now. A good relationship isn't just a person you like, but also the right timing, and similar goals and expectations.

 

It sounds like you need to date some other people and not be serious for a while, especially if you are young. Most people grow and change a lot at your age, so that might be what is happening here, your desire to grow and experience vs. settling down too young before you are ready.

[Batya33]

I agree with you that comparison shopping is not a good solution. But I disagree on the time thing--I think after a year, a person should know whether or not they want to continue seeing someone. I'm not saying they should know whether or not they want to get married but I think they should know whether or not it is working and they are happy and they want to be with that person.

 

Ahh - yes, I can generally agree with that, with exceptions (i.e. if it is a long distance relationship).

[Person1]

Thank you for your opinions, everyone.