Will things turn around?

[TKitty]

First off, I want to say that it is so nice to feel like there are others out there who are in a similar situation as me. But, as I continue to struggle with my "issues" I'd like some input as far as what to do, etc. I'll try not to drag on too much in the first post.

 

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. In May, he decided to tell me that we should get divorced. In the years leading up to this, we had our issues, but nothing too serious. When I asked why he wanted this, he said that "we're just not right for each other". For the next 3 months or so, he mostly stayed with friends, and came home maybe a few times a week. During this time, he would not take my calls or say much to me when he did come home. I thought that I would just accept his decision and be OK with it, even though I did still love him.

 

I took a 3 week vacation home in August and had lots of time to think about things on my end. During this time, I reallized that I did not want to get divorced. From that point, we forced ourselves to communicate with each other, something that had been lacking before. Both of us felt so much better now knowing what the other felt. Things seemed like they could work themselves out. We did things together, got to know each other again. But still, he insisted that we separate.

 

We've now been living apart for a month. We still talk, and he tells me that he still loves me very much but that we're just not right together. Of course I still love him and would do anything to fix things. When I ask him what's going to happen in the next few months, or how he feels, he just says "I don't know" or "I don't want to talk about it now".

 

Let me also add that although I asked him repeatedly if he was seeing someone else, he always denied it. Shortly after I returned home from my trip, I found pics of him kissing his co-worker who I knew he would occasionally have coffee or lunch with. When I confronted him, he said that nothing else ever happened, but he did have "feelings" for her. He continues to see her although I have made it clear that what he's doing is inappropriate (even if it does not include sex). Might I also add that he is 10 years older than me, and his "friend" is even younger than me.

 

If my husband loves me and still takes care of me in certain aspects, then why does he continue to hurt me? Am I silly for thinking that things could work out in the end, or should I just give up hope? To me, marriage is a life long committment, and you make it work, or at least try. I feel that in my heart, we are supposed to be together. I feel so lost without him, and he's all that I have, since my family is far away. Please help.

[fivespot]

Let me first say welcome to the forum!

 

Now about your problem...yikes! Well I certainly feel sorry for you. No one should have to go through stuff like this. I realize you didn't want to ramble on in your first post, but honestly, this requires a lot more information if anyone is going to be able to try to help you.

 

Are there kids involved? What were the reasons you got married in the first place? Was he acting like this before you got married and you used marriage as a way to fix your problems?

 

He sounds like a total jerk...just like my ex gf. It seems like he's treating this like a disposable FWB situation, and you're treating it like a marriage! But I want to reserve judgement until we get some more information.

 

I believe in working things out until the end, too...but you have to know when it's time to give up. I loved my ex with all my heart, but in the end, there was nothing I could do to keep her from flying away. It was a living hell, but then again, we weren't married. I can't even imagine what you're going through.

[John Bendix]

Kitty,

 

Sorry you are going through this.

 

There does not seem much you can do to get your husband to see things as you see them or for him to do as you want him to do. We have all, in these type of situations, tried to get through to our spouses.

 

Historically, it seems that your husband is very confused. He may have conflicting ideas and feelings that he cannot reconcile within himself. When a person is presented with this dichotomy, there are different ways of dealing with them. Often an emotional wall is erected in order to filter out or shut out what will be perceived by them to cause further internal conflict. And there is not much that anyone can do about it.

 

As for advice (the reason that we all have been here), there is little to change the situation you are in. Only in your perspective of it. My way was, and is, to stop the incessant thoughts and emotional reactions to the situation that I found myself in. The only part that we every control in dealing with the world is our own reactivity.

 

This is a total change of the way we view our life and our situation. Radical change is not something that we seem to covet when faced with the possible dissolution of a relationship. We seek familiarity to give ourselves a chance at stability. We want things to be the way that we envision them to be and not the way that we are.

Acceptance is the key to dealing with what is right now without dragging in the defunct past for our identity and conjuring up an imaginary future for our salavation.

[TKitty]

Fivespot,

Well, thankfully, there are no kids involved. We got married because we had genuine love for each other, wanted the same things in life, and enjoyed each others company (I could go on forever). In any case, we got married for the right reasons. As far as his behavior, he never acted in a way that was cause for concern; of course until he stopped coming home.

 

He is genuinely a good person though, never did anything to hurt me, always took care of me and was there when I needed him. Somewhere along the line though, we just got unhappy. I think it was when we moved accross the country for his job. I got really depressed because I had to leave behind the only things I ever knew (all my friends, family, and my job and school). And, right before we moved, I was in an accident that almost killed me.

 

So, things have not exactly been easy as far as my life is concerned, but I never worried about our relationship being in jeopardy.

 

I feel like I need to do everything that I can to try and save my marriage. Because even if it does not work out in the end, then at least I know that I tried and gave it my best.

[TKitty]

John,

Thank you, your reply made me think a bit about things I can do to maybe not drive myself crazy. It seems that my days are consumed with thoughts of what I could have and should have done, and what I can do to fix things. There are days I can barely function at work, and end up crying. So, I will try to just think positively and focus on something that I can control!

[fivespot]

I feel like I need to do everything that I can to try and save my marriage. Because even if it does not work out in the end, then at least I know that I tried and gave it my best.

 

You sound just like me about trying to save my last relationship. I said this EXACT same thing. And you know what? It didn't work out for me but I am SO glad I did everything I could to try and save it. She can never come back and say I didn't try. No one can, and that helps me a lot. It helps me to sleep at night. My conscious is absolutely clear.

 

Accepting that it was over, well that's another story.

 

You need to try to fix this. But the reason I asked for more information is because, well, the details about your situation is coming from you and I don't need to tell you there are two sides to every story.

 

Try to be him for a few minutes. If it was him on the forum asking for advice--and not you--what kind of advice would he ask for? What would he say about you that he doesn't like? What reasons would he give for not coming home and feeling the need to not want to work on this with you anymore?

 

This is easier said than done, I know. It can be impossible to grab the absolute truth from someone, but you have to at least try. You need to get to the root of the problem and fix it or abandon the entire situation, but you won't be comfortable making that decision (sink or swim) until you find the root of the problem and TALK about it.

 

I believe 99% of problems can be fixed through communication. But it has to be clear...no assumptions about anything. No second guessing...he said this but maybe he meant something else.

 

Good luck and keep us up to date.

[John Bendix]

You make some excellant points.

 

One problem is to try and get the other person to TALK about the situation with, as you have stated, no assumptions, and to me, without bringing the ego. What happens often is that the two egos start communicating. At this level, no much is accomplished except feeding your own egos which may in fact perpetuate the conflict.

[fivespot]

You make some excellant points.

 

One problem is to try and get the other person to TALK about the situation with, as you have stated, no assumptions, and to me, without bringing the ego. What happens often is that the two egos start communicating. At this level, no much is accomplished except feeding your own egos which may in fact perpetuate the conflict.

 

I know all about this, too.

 

I was actually giving my ex power over me and the situation by being the one who came to her to try to fix things. It was like I was handing my rear to her on a silver platter because I wanted to work things out and she was ambivalent...and even downright apathetic to the whole situation.

 

This made her feel good, because I was making a fuss over her. Maybe if I wouldn't have done that in the beginning, she would have second guessed herself and would have come to me instead.

 

But I didn't want to play that game...like I said, my conscious is clear.

 

Now that I think about it, that relationship was so screwed up I don't even want to think about it anymore!

[john4321]

well what i would say is you do not have the problem, he does. that is very sad for you. to love somebody unconditionally and have them not return that is hard, very hard. remember you cannot make people do things you want. i would say he needs to find out what is wrong in his life before this will work. and the two of you need to work on you together. never give up on love i hope you find what you need

[John Bendix]

I know all about this, too.

 

I was actually giving my ex power over me and the situation by being the one who came to her to try to fix things. It was like I was handing my rear to her on a silver platter because I wanted to work things out and she was ambivalent...and even downright apathetic to the whole situation.

 

This made her feel good, because I was making a fuss over her. Maybe if I wouldn't have done that in the beginning, she would have second guessed herself and would have come to me instead.

 

But I didn't want to play that game...like I said, my conscious is clear.

 

Now that I think about it, that relationship was so screwed up I don't even want to think about it anymore!

 

Many of us did the same exact thing with very similiar results.

 

Scorn recently sent us an article on Cognitive Dissonance under "Relationship with X". It is a psychologially accepted therory that seems to help explain the emotional wall that a person sets up to keep out cognitions (thoughts, ideas, emotions) or what could possibly form them, that may be contradictory to one's self image or plan of action.

 

I do believe that no matter what you did, the end result would have been the same. I do not see her, or anyone behaving in the same manner under similiar circumstances, as feeling good. Quite the contrary. They are feeling very badly and this is their way of coping with extreme dissonance.

 

This type of "wall" reaction is recognized as being very dysfunctional and indicitive of emotional distress. It is a maladaptive defense mechanism in which to deal with emotional pain and the unpleasant emotional reactions that ensue. The term "Selective Exposure" is used to explain what they will let into their cognitive pathways.

 

Even three years later, My X has never responded to my asking her to sit down and talk in a rational manner. When asked, she simply does not respond. Nothing, no yes or no or explanation. In person she justs stares off into space and cannot give ANY response. I watch her jaw start to clench while she sits there and the conflict inside her is evident. When asked again, an angry comment is made that has nothing to do with th equestion at hand.

To date, she has claimed that nothing is wrong with her or ever has been.

 

Therapists and counselors that have spoken to her (indirectly dealing with my son) recognize and have suggested that she seeks counseling. But again she will just "shut down" to the advice of the professionals (Therapists, counselors, doctors and pyschiatrists) and stare at her feet with no response.

[scornandtorn]

Even three years later, My X has never responded to my asking her to sit down and talk in a rational manner. When asked, she simply does not respond. Nothing, no yes or no or explanation. In person she justs stares off into space and cannot give ANY response. I watch her jaw start to clench while she sits there and the conflict inside her is evident. When asked again, an angry comment is made that has nothing to do with th equestion at hand.

To date, she has claimed that nothing is wrong with her or ever has been./QUOTE]

 

My ex has been the same, no remorse what so ever. As I told her "it is your life live at as you choose. JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!"

[TKitty]

Try to be him for a few minutes. If it was him on the forum asking for advice--and not you--what kind of advice would he ask for? What would he say about you that he doesn't like? What reasons would he give for not coming home and feeling the need to not want to work on this with you anymore?

 

OK, here's my reply to this question. First, I don't think he'd actually ask for any specific advice. But, as far as what he doesn't like about me, then I know that he'd say that he wishes I lived a healthier lifestyle (eating better, getting some exercise, etc), spent less money, and be willing to communicate. Now, reasons for not coming home would be "just wanting to relax" and not having to listen to me nag about the relationship. Finally, he doesn't want to work on the relationship because he feels that we're just not right for each other. He's told me that many times. Yes, we have our differences, everybody does, but there are lots of things we enjoy doing together that make us both happy. In the end, we do want the same things out of life, but maybe having a plan to get those things is what we need to work on.

 

I like having a plan for everything. And, that's something we never really did. For example, we talked about buying a house for a long time. We knew that spending habits would have to change, and money would have to be put away. But we never sat down, talked about how much we could afford, how long it would take to save for a down payment, etc. I will take partial blame for this though, because I always stressed that I liked having my financial independence. We never had any joint accounts, even though he encouraged it. What's funny is that when I told my mom about this, she said that having a joint account with my step dad was the best thing she ever did for their relationship (all the years she spent with my dad, and about 15 of the 17 with my step dad, she had her own accounts).

 

Another frustration that my husband has is that he knows he gave his 100% to the marriage, and that's why he's done trying. I, on the other hand, know for a fact that I did not, so that's why I'm so willing to try and make things work. To me though, if you love someone enough, then why not give them a chance? Am I not worth at least that? That's a question I struggle with everyday, because my love for him is unconditional. I just can't figure out how he can say that he loves me and cares about me deeply, but won't give me a chance. What is he afraid of? On the same note, when I ask him to do things with me, like go hiking, or for a drive (normal, non-romantic things you can do with anyone) he says no, and just wants to meet for coffee or a meal. He doesn't want to spend too much "quality" time with me because he says that he doesn't want to have "feelings" all over again, which would lead to us getting back together, and then running into the same issues again. While I can understand a little bit, it just seems ridiculous to me. What's that supposed to mean? I am your wife, what's wrong with having good feelings about me?

 

Again, thank you guys so much for helping me out here.....I really appreciate everything everyone has to say. Please keep sending good vibes my way and wish me luck. If I didn't think there was hope, I wouldn't try so hard