Insecure and jealous of her past, destroying us

[AutumnRain]

I met my girlfriend online 6 months ago. Mid September college started and we were able to be together every day. We had a connection quickly and since then, we've decided we'd like to spend our lives together.

 

But I'm having doubts because of my insecurity and jealousy. I was a virgin and was starting my first year of college, whereas she is in her third year of college. I'm 18, she's almost 20.

 

I made the mistake of wanting to know about her past, I ended up hearing about all the gory details. She has had sex with ten other people, of few of them hook-ups.

 

Because of my insecurities, I have a constant obsession of being the best. She tells me that we have the best sex and she loves me more than anyone else. I asked her if she had been with anyone more attractive than me, and she said two other people were conventionally more attractive. It really got to me, and later on she "changed her mind" and now says I'm the most attractive, but I can't believe her. I later found out that one of these "more attractive" people basically raped her, but she says she went along with it so that she wouldn't feel like she was being raped.

 

I absolutely hate her past, and I find myself thinking about it all the time, everyday. In fact it consumes my mind more than anything else, and I'm sick of it. I have told her that I don't want her to talk about her freshman year of college because it reminds me of the stories she told me. I constantly visualize the stories she's told me in my mind, replaying them over and over. I am sick over the fact that I'm not the first one that she's done anything with sexually.

 

She tells me that she regrets what she's done, but that doesn't help my crazy insecurity.

 

Not only am I insecure, I also feel like she has had all of her sexual fulfillment and so it's fine for her that she settles down with me, and to be honest, I feel like I don't want to have sex with just one woman my entire life, I know this sounds horrible, but I feel like it's not fair.

 

I know this isn't her fault, I don't blame her for anything, but these problems that are within myself are really destroying my relationship, and me from within. I don't want to be without her, and I've told her that I would not leave her no matter what, that we would always fix our problems, but this jealousy and insecurity makes me more miserable than I have ever been in my life. How can I get over this? I know I need to accept it, to get past it, I simply don't know how to.

 

We already talk about it a lot, I feel like I don't know what will help anymore. The problem gets worse, her past haunts me more everyday.

 

Thanks everyone for reading and hopefully you can help.

[manup7228]

Personally, I would say if you truly love her, and truly want to be with her the rest of her life, it shouldn't matter man. I know my first true love, she was my first, and I was completely fine with the fact that she would be the only girl I would ever have sex with. I was her first to, and ultimately, she broke up with me because she wanted more experience with other people to see if she truly loved me. All I am saying is...if you do want to spend the rest of her life with her, then think of it this way, they got her one time, you get to have sex with her the rest of your life. In the end, you won. But if you want sexual experience, then maybe having a girlfriend in general might not be the way to go.

[AutumnRain]

I often wonder if I should talk to her about the way I feel about that issue, how I feel like I will never get to experience the things she has.

 

I do love her, I can't really imagine wanting to have a relationship with anyone else because we get along great for the most part, I just feel like this is a constant issue.

 

Should I bring that up?

[shemo]

I was just like you when I was in my first relationship. He was my first but he had many sexual partners before me. I was always insecure about his past and all the things he had done with other girls. Honestly, the only way I ever got over it was after we broke up and I had experienced more. After having experienced more partners, I realized that there is no need to be insecure and compare myself to somebody in anyone's past. If that person is with me then they are with me because they want to be. Some guys in my past are better than others, but I never compare my bf and his sexual performance to any of them. Everyone has a past and you just need to accept it and focus on the fact that she is with you and enjoy what you have. Easier said then done, I know, but when those thoughts creep into your mind just breathe, relax, and try to shake it off.

[AutumnRain]

I feel like I'll never be able to deal with this theoretically, I feel as though to get over it, I'll need a similar experience to yours, Shemo.

 

The pitfall there, is that I really would like to stay with her. I feel like there is no option where I don't lose something. =/

[shemo]

I feel like I'll never be able to deal with this theoretically, I feel as though to get over it, I'll need a similar experience to yours, Shemo.

 

The pitfall there, is that I really would like to stay with her. I feel like there is no option where I don't lose something. =/

 

I agree, I never learned how to get over someone's past until I found myself having a past as well. Unfortunately for you, you can't have the best of both worlds. If you truly love this girl, I would not leave just so you can gain some experience. But it seems that you want to be sexually fulfilled before you settle down, so maybe having a gf right now isn't the best idea. Its up to you to realize what you want more. To be sexually fulfilled? Or to have a relationship with someone you care about?

[AutumnRain]

Is this something you think would be an appropriate conversation topic for me and her? Or should I do this on my own?

[shemo]

Is this something you think would be an appropriate conversation topic for me and her? Or should I do this on my own?

 

i would NEVER tell anyone i am dating that i want to be sexually fulfilled. i think it would cause insecurity for the other person that you will eventually leave her one day to have sexual experiences.

 

the only thing i would tell her if you haven't already is that you are uncomfortable knowing about the details of her past so you'd prefer she not talk about it. let her know that it's not HER but it's just difficult for you to understand what it's like to have a past when you don't have one. also tell her that it's something that you are working on accepting and that it will take some time and you just need her to be patient with you.

 

good luck!

[mr me]

I really dont see what is wrong with you feeling this way. I guess its just me but if its something your not comfortable with then its something that isnt so great for you. I know you might feel like that you always want to be with her and that you dont want this to ruin a good things but love when your young always feels like that. Its one of the biggest problems i see with why there is so many divorces and so many successful marriages now with older people. Im sure there are alot of reasons for it but that is something people dont seem to really get. Love is tricky and sometimes messed up but when it works it is just indescribable.

 

Your not ok with her past and you like her but you dont want to mess things up. It just doesnt seem like that makes any sense when you get to look at it without the emotions of love. She cant change her past and some people might make you seem like your a bad person but at the end of the day you need to do what u need to do. If you really feel like you can look past all of this then im sure you will do just fine but if u cant i dont think u should beat yourself up over it.

 

Im really also kinda confused with her changing around her words. It just seems like alot of things are going in a place where you dont want them to go. I also dont know about all this not wanting to be with just one girl thing if thats how u felt before her or is that just something your feeling now because of the stuff she has said. I myself have had a really messed up life and i fear almost everyday what it will be like when i open up to someone and know that they might feel the same way your feeling. Its just i also know that i might even feel that same way if someone else said stuff to me that i wasnt to happy with. I just dont feel like i could commit to someone that i wasnt really 100 percent ok with committing to that person. I also feel like the whole internet thing can kinda make things move way too fast because you build up alot of fantasy about that person without really seeing if it works in the real world. I was once a person that thought that sounded so stupid but now that im trying to get over all of it that i see some things about it making things different. I also feel like if thats how it has to be then fine but i dont really think its the best thing.

[mr me]

I also feel like you should never go along with what someone else says unless you agree with it because it seems like your looking for people to make the decision for you which is a horrible choice. Your the only one that has to live with your choices and no one else can really say whats right for you but of course i dont think alot of people think like this so you can still go along with whatever you feel like.

[Bunney]

I know how that feels, I was the same way in my first relationship (I was really young & immature then though...) And I'm telling you, my insecurities and jealousy eventually made the relationship turn sour. You already know it but this is definitely going to destroy any love and passion between the two of you and it will only end up in a painful break-up.

 

You don't want that. You have to stop thinking about her past and letting it bother you. It is a decision you make. You can control your thoughts. You can do it.

 

However... you're only 18. You'll grow and change a lot over the next few years and most people in this age rank dont want to be or aren't able to be 100% committed in a serious relationships (then instead of breaking up they cheat on their partner because they don't want to get out of their comfort-zone-safety-net-relationship but also want to know if the "grass is greener on the other side").

 

It's your decision. Break up, experience other girls (and maybe end up wanting to be with her again but her rejecting you because she's moved on) OR staying with her and enjoy a good relationship without all the crazy jealous thoughts.

 

Your choice..

[Aueft]

Edit. ten characters

[AutumnRain]

We started to talk about this last night, and with no hinting from me whatsoever, she suggested that she would be okay with me having sex with others. It was crazy.

[savignon]

It sounds like what you really want is to 'experience other people' but you're blaming her past and shaming her for it. She really shouldn't have to feel bad about what she's done in her past to convince you that she loves you. If you get out there and experience other people, I doubt you will be ashamed of it and appologizing for it to your next girlfriend. That's how people become who they are (I mean, through their experiences..not by sleeping around)

Tell her how you feel but tell her that YOU want to sleep with other people ....not that you want to catch up to her. This is not her fault. Don't make her feel bad about her past.

[shemo]

We started to talk about this last night, and with no hinting from me whatsoever, she suggested that she would be okay with me having sex with others. It was crazy.

 

Wait a minute. She's giving you permission to have sex with others? So does that mean you are in an open relationship? Will she be having sex with others too? Are you okay with this?

[repto]

Hi AutumnRain,

 

I'm in the same situation as you, been with gf for 6 months now. I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?

 

Appreciate it very much!