Should I ask for her back?

[Saldelmundo]

I don't know if anyone here will take the time to read all of this from a complete stranger, but I feel like I can't talk about this with any of my friends... So I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and see if someone has sage advice for me.

 

Some background information:

 

I began dating this girl under strange circumstances last October. She was unhappily married and against my better judgment, I got involved with this woman in a purely physical relationship. But she turned out to be an amazing person, and our attraction was clearly more than physical, and in December, after she moved out of her husband's house, we took things to the next level and admitted we were in love with each other.

 

Things were pretty fantastic until march/april where the stress from other parts of our lives began to take it's toll on her relationship. Both of our careers were interfering with our personal lives, and another major sticking point was the pressure/stress from her son's father (ex husband). She felt like her relationship with me was interfering with her ability to be a good mom (or at least, he made her feel that way), and also she began to feel that it was just too soon after her marriage to be involved with someone so seriously... I couldn't really argue with that one, so we split up.

 

I moved on right away, dated many other women, and we stayed in touch as friends, but eventually after a couple months, she contacted me to say that she still felt the same way about her situation, and didn't want to get involved to the level that we were again, but she really missed the physical part of our relationship and wondered if we could go back to the way things were before we were in a relationship (ie. late night booty calls 2-3 times a week), and of course, as a guy, although it probably wasn't the best idea, I took her up on it.

 

So that went on for a couple months, but eventually we stopped, we didn't really talk about why, but I have the feeling she was seeing someone else and wanted to see where that would go, and we even lost touch as friends for a while. In the last month we began speaking again, and really sharing some intimate thoughts with eachtoher, but always dancing around the issue of anything between us. Over the last week or so I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I realized that every girl I've dated since her (and there have been plenty), I have measured against her, and dismissed them accordingly, she's the one I still want, she's the one I still dream about, no woman ever seems to live up to her, I miss her, and I miss her son, I think about being with her almost every day.

 

We had been trying to get together for dinner to talk and catch up but it just didn't happen... A week ago on the night of my birthday, she was supposed to come meet me and my friends at the bar but didn't... at around 2am I sent her a text that said "I effin miss you" She is flying home for the holidays tomorrow so today I asked if I could come by and drop off the presents I had for her and her son. I wrote the following in a Christmas card for her:

I hope that (boy's name) gift brings him lots of joy without bringing you too many hadaches. I didn't think that through too well when I bought it. I just listened to my inner 5 year old that screamed "I want it!!"

 

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. You need it and deserve it. I'm sorry for the drunk txt I sent you on my birthday but even when sober, the sentiment is true. I miss you a lot. I'm nervous about seeing you when I give you this because I still care about you.

 

In a way I'm glad that we stopped seeing eachother the way that we were because it was eating me up inside that I couldn't have more of you. The brief romance we had this time last year was the most intense and most real form of love that I've ever experienced and losing that has made me un-whole where nothing was missing before.

 

I didn't intend on writing this, and I guess when I see you, I'll decide whether it's a good idea to give it to you. Anyway, hopefully this doesn't preclude you from wanting to stay friends because I'll always love and respect you as a warm, caring, funny, intelligent, sarcastic, and savvy friend.

 

But the truth is, if you ever wanted to give us another chance, I would give up the single life to do it in a heartbeat. All you have to do is ask.

 

Like I said, when I put the pen to this card, I had every intention of being brief and platonic but I guess I just decided to be real and let you know that you've been on my mind a lot lately.

 

If any of this makes you feel akward, I'm truly sorry and I hope you forgive me. But if theres anything in you that is happy to hear this and wonders what it would be like to be with me again, please be real with me and let me know.

 

Love, (me)

 

So when I got to her house, I gave her a hug and talked briefly about the present I got for her boy. I gave her both gifts but I held onto the card, I was too scared to give it to her. I don't know if I'm just being sappy and lonely because it's the holidays and if I really mean it. Or if it would potentially screw up any chance we have of being friends. I have never gone back to a girl before, I've always moved on pretty easily, I don't know why I can't just do the same here. I've always loved being single, I date a lot, I have a lot of lady friends, I just don't know why I can't get her off my mind.

 

The question is... do I mail this card to her? Do I ask to meet her after she gets home from her trip to deliver it in person? Or do I just put it away in a box in my closet as something to look back on and chuckle about in 5-10 years. Suck it up, and move on?

 

Thanks in advance to any of you that take the time to actually read all this.

[alli]

Some people might tell you that it might scare her if she knows how much you want her back. They might be right. The decision is really up to you & you should do what feels right for you, not what the majority of people think. Is it worth it to you putting it all out there for a shot it might work at the risk of losing even a friendship?

[waveseer]

You need to share it with her. If you don't you will never know if she needed to hear it or not.

[Saldelmundo]

Unfortunately I think Alli is right. I think deep down she knows that I still love her... she's had chances to come back to me if that's what she was going to do. I don't think I stand a chance, I'm almost certain it would push her away.

 

I'm going to just let it go and try to stop measuring the girls I date by her, it's unfair to them, none of them have even stood a chance and I feel like a jerk for putting them through that.

 

I'm going to chalk my current feelings up to the general depression every single person feels around this time of the year. I think it will pass.

[alli]

I've never fallen for someone who is already in a relationship; from an outsider's standpoint it is clearly not a good idea, but that's easy to say if you don't already have feelings for that person! Was she the first person & most serious you had dated in a while? That is what really hangs up some people. Plus the fact that you have remained involved with her has not given you the opportunity to move on.

 

When I was a freshman in high school I dated a guy for a few months. It was my most serious relationship up to that point so of course I was devestated when it didn't work out.. for reasons I still don't really know. But what sucked was the next 3 years! It was a small school so I had to see him every day! I never got over him in that time. But practically the moment he graduated & I didn't see him anymore, I was fine & have been since.

 

My point is, you are probably hooked on her because she was the most significant relationship in a while & you haven't had the space to let yourself move on since. You can try to be friends later, but for now it might be a good idea to not be involved with her for a while.

[Sn0man]

I've learned from bitter experience that it is best to write your ex a long letter and totally spill your guts, then burn it.

 

Most of the time, if you send it, it burns you.

 

That being said, however, it's entirely up to you whether or not to send it. Is she the type to read it and see it for what it is? Or will it just confuse her further and make her angry?

 

Only you can know (or at least, assume) how she will receive it.

 

Personally, speaking from experience, I wouldn't send it.

[Saldelmundo]

My point is, you are probably hooked on her because she was the most significant relationship in a while & you haven't had the space to let yourself move on since. You can try to be friends later, but for now it might be a good idea to not be involved with her for a while.

 

While it's the most recent significant relationship I've been in, it's not the only one. I'm 31yo, I've said "I love you" to 4 women in my life and really meant it. I married one of them... With the other 3, when things were over, things were over and I had no problem moving on... I think what bothers me the most about this one, was that we ended things due to outside circumstances, the relationship didn't run it's natural course. I feel like we left something unfinished. That on top of the fact that she's an amazing person. I am a very happy single guy, I love my independence, I don't run from relationship to relationship... this is the only woman in my life that I could see myself marrying.

[alli]

While it's the most recent significant relationship I've been in, it's not the only one. I'm 31yo, I've said "I love you" to 4 women in my life and really meant it. I married one of them... With the other 3, when things were over, things were over and I had no problem moving on... I think what bothers me the most about this one, was that we ended things due to outside circumstances, the relationship didn't run it's natural course. I feel like we left something unfinished. That on top of the fact that she's an amazing person. I am a very happy single guy, I love my independence, I don't run from relationship to relationship... this is the only woman in my life that I could see myself marrying.

 

 

Yes, I wouldn't assume that she was the very first person you've been involved with!

 

Do you think eventually she would want a relationship with you? After all, at some point her divorce won't be in the "recent" category. Not saying you should send the card. Or maybe.. a toned-down one, where you let her know you care but stop short of saying "I'll wait forever for you to change your mind"

 

Salvador of the world? I just now noticed your name.

[Saldelmundo]

Yes, I wouldn't assume that she was the very first person you've been involved with!

 

Do you think eventually she would want a relationship with you? After all, at some point her divorce won't be in the "recent" category. Not saying you should send the card. Or maybe.. a toned-down one, where you let her know you care but stop short of saying "I'll wait forever for you to change your mind"

 

Salvador of the world? I just now noticed your name.

 

Hmm, I didn't mean for it to come off as "I'll wait forever for you to change your mind", I guess the "if you ever" part kinda says that. Anyway, the card is torn up, I've decided against sending it. She sent me a text after our meeting today that said "we should get together for dinner when we get back to town from the holidays, let's really make it happen this time"... I just replied with "ok", so I think I'll just wait and see what that brings.

 

It's supposed to mean "Salt of the Earth"

[Sn0man]

Hmm, I didn't mean for it to come off as "I'll wait forever for you to change your mind", I guess the "if you ever" part kinda says that. Anyway, the card is torn up, I've decided against sending it. She sent me a text after our meeting today that said "we should get together for dinner when we get back to town from the holidays, let's really make it happen this time"... I just replied with "ok", so I think I'll just wait and see what that brings.

 

It's supposed to mean "Salt of the Earth"

Probably the wiser decision you made there.

 

Hope things work out! Good luck!

[alli]

Hmm, I didn't mean for it to come off as "I'll wait forever for you to change your mind", I guess the "if you ever" part kinda says that. Anyway, the card is torn up, I've decided against sending it. She sent me a text after our meeting today that said "we should get together for dinner when we get back to town from the holidays, let's really make it happen this time"... I just replied with "ok", so I think I'll just wait and see what that brings.

 

It's supposed to mean "Salt of the Earth"

 

I hope it works out for you with her & she decides she's ready & willing to be with you again. At first I also guessed "salt of the world", but if your name was Salvador I didn't want to call you salt

[Saldelmundo]

Alli, ready, sno,

 

Thanks for the input and the advice, I'll wait until I see her in the new year and rather than diving in headlong, I'll test the waters when I see her again... I wish electronic communication weren't so easy. She IM'd me tonight to say thanks for the presents, that it was really good to see me and thanks for lighting her pilot light on her heater (she'd been without heat for days)... all very innocent things, yet so easy to read too far into.

[Saldelmundo]

So much for that. She Im'd tonight and I couldn't help it, I spilled everything from the letter and more.

 

I'll just post the chat log here, I don't know where I stand after this: (please excuse the expletives, I think the site will censor them for me anyway)

 

 

[22:56] Her: hola, u still up?

[22:56] Me: yeap

[22:56] Her: how are u?

[22:56] Me: how was dinner?

[22:56] Me: im ok

[22:56] Her: eh ok

[22:57] Me: hah

[22:57] Her:

[22:57] Her: dating.... can sometimes be something

[22:58] Her: what are u up to?

[22:58] Me: nothing

[22:59] Her: getting ready to crash?

[22:59] Me: not really

[22:59] Me: I never crash very early

[22:59] Her: lol

[22:59] Her: yea

[23:00] Me: so I may regret asking this, but you brought it up... what do you mean?

[23:02] Her: just that it gets old... thats all. total nice guy, but i would have rather kept loungin

[23:02] Her: but then again, im lazy!

[23:02] Me: where'd you meet him?

[23:02] Her: thru friends

[23:02] Me: how is the dating thing going for you?

[23:03] Her: ehhh, so so I guess

[23:03] Her: yea, not really that well

[23:03] Her: the ones i like have more baggage than jet blue

[23:03] Her: the ones i dont....

[23:04] Her: well, im just not into them

[23:04] Her: u?

[23:04] Her: homie tonight is a complete nice guy, but younger and we just dont have that much in common

[23:05] Her: whats your scene like?

[23:06] Me: none of the girls I've seen really light a fire in me the way one in particular did that I can't seem to stop thinking about

[23:06] Me: it's fun once or twice but then I'm over it

[23:09] Me: sorry, I shouldn't have said that

[23:11] Her: y shouldnt u have... i asked

[23:11] Me: cuz it was inappropriate considering

[23:13] Her: considering what?

[23:16] Her: Me, i feel for you and probably always will.... it was so great to see to today. you are a phenomenal person and i am so glad i met u....

[23:16] Me: considering the progress we'd made on the platonic front, considering that we just saw eachother today

[23:17] Me: I had a christmas card for you, it was nice and funny and platonic and for some reason the more I wrote the more I spilled... in the end I couldn't give it to you

[23:18] Me: I think I was holding onto the possibility that we were pushed apart by circumstances outside of us (job, boy, ex husband) etc. and that we would some day give it another shot

[23:19] Me: I haven't connected with anyone on the same level as you, you're sarcastic and funny and witty and no other girl I've seen comes close to measuring up

[23:20] Me: not to mention the sex we had was sometimes mindblowingly out of this world

[23:20] Me: * * * *

[23:20] Me: I cant believe I just said this * * * *

[23:20] Me: after deciding not to give you that card

[23:20] Me: anyway, I miss you, it's true, that drunk txt sentiment holds true even when I'm sober

[23:21] Me: but if you tell me that there's no shot, I'll believe you, and I'll be good, I promise

[23:22] Her: baby.... i dont even know what to say to that

[23:22] Me: I"m * * * * ing shaking

[23:22] Me: just be real

[23:22] Her: im flattered beyond belief!

[23:22] Me: ok tell me this

[23:23] Me: what is better about dating these guys you're seeing, than trying to be with me?... SLOWLY I mean... like if we took it easy, from the start, tried to see eachother again and just see where it went

[23:24] Me: that was a * * * * ty question

[23:24] Me: dont answer that

[23:24] Her: no it wasnt

[23:24] Her: stop

[23:24] Me: just tell me if part of you wants to see what's there with me again

[23:25] Me: and if that part is big enough to give it a try

[23:25] Her: there is nothing better out dating other people

[23:25] Me: there's gotta be something

[23:25] Me: I mean, there's variety

[23:25] Her: it just has been what it is

[23:25] Me: I'll admit, I'm not always at my best when I'm with you

[23:25] Her: i have a lot going on and i try to manage what i can....

[23:26] Me: I get nervous because I've never felt that way

[23:26] Her: u are awesome

[23:26] Me: and it makes ne neurotic

[23:26] Me: so I would definitely work on that

[23:26] Me: and I have a lot going on too

[23:26] Her: that is what was so refreshing about seeing u today...

[23:26] Me: but all the * * * * just seemed better when I could see you

[23:27] Me: the * * * * is just bull * * * * when you're not around, but somehow if I get to look into your eyes, the * * * * just isn't as heavy

[23:27] Her: lol

[23:28] Me: I don't want this convo to put a damper on a potential friendship we might keep, but if we're talking about it, * * * * it, we're talking about it right?

[23:29] Me: I'm putting it out there, just so you know, and I know you know, and there are no doubts

[23:29] Me: I love the single life, I haven't met a single girl this whole time that I would give it up for... except for you

[23:29] Me: these poor chicks I date never stand a chance

[23:30] Me: I must look like the biggest * * * * ing jerk in the world to them

[23:30] Me: but I always go home afterwards wishing it were you

[23:31] Me: I hope that doesn't sound crazy

[23:32] Her: i dont know what to say to that

[23:32] Her: it doesnt

[23:32] Me: why don't yo know? why don't you just tell me what you're thinking

[23:32] Me: let it flow like I am

[23:32] Me: be real

[23:32] Me: don't censor

[23:32] Her: i dont know what i think half the time

[23:32] Me: don't be like that

[23:33] Her: u asked

[23:33] Me: stop protecting yourself

[23:33] Me: you are too good at that

[23:33] Me: and dont protect me either

[23:33] Me: or my feelings

[23:33] Me: let me be clear... despite any evidence to the contrary, I am a big boy and I'll handle whatever you tell me accordingly

[23:34] Me: and we will always have a friendship that is real and is strong, regardless of what you say

[23:34] Her: im not baby.... i have so much going on.... what am i going to do with my life, how will i provide for boy, what are my dreams??? its a lot, and half the time i dont know

[23:34] Me: I know, and I love that about you

[23:34] Her: and thats why u are the best

[23:35] Her: its hard for me now... i know i hate my job and im in this phase where i cant get out but need to

[23:35] Me: and I wish I could be there for you during that

[23:35] Her: and that affects my personal life

[23:35] Me: I would help you provide for boy if you asked me to

[23:36] Her: every day i wake up thinking - i cant do this, there has to be another way....

[23:36] Me: I would get a place with you and let you take the time you needed to quit your job and find something new

[23:37] Me: I realize that runs contrary to the "take it slow" thing I said earlier

[23:37] Me: but the truth is I feel like I know you, and I still love you, and I would give you what you needed as long as it were in my power

[23:38] Her: but i cant promise that ill know tomorrow, or the next day....

[23:38] Her: * * * * , i had two years to figure it out when i was married and still couldnt

[23:39] Me: I'm not looking for promises

[23:39] Her: im trying now

[23:39] Her: to really see what im about, but i dont know

[23:41] Her: i love the community organizing i do... but is it me? i dont know... maybe its the establishment that has me guessing

[23:41] Her: but its just not a fit yet

[23:41] Me: these excuses don't matter to me, all of this * * * * you're saying doesn't make me love you less, or change my mind about wanting to try being us again...

[23:42] Me: you need to tell me that you don't have those feelings for me anymore, and that you would rather try dating random dudes here and there than seeing me

[23:42] Me: or

[23:42] Me: i dunno, I guess I see * * * * in black and white too much sometimes... I know it's not that easy

[23:42] Me: and I'm sorry for putting you on the spot, I wasn't trying to do that

[23:43] Me: ok deap breath

[23:43] Her: its not even that... i do that bc that is what people do. really?? i just want to find my place

[23:45] Her: until i get myself together, i cant imagine trying to be with someone

[23:45] Me: look, here's the thing... december 11th last year, we admitted that we were in love with eachother... as short as our romance was, it was still the most intense and real form of love I've ever felt... I am a cynic by nature... I brag to my friends about the different girls I'm dating, I will tell anyone who will listen that relationships are for the birds and that you're all just going to * * * * yourselves in the end

[23:46] Me: but it's all a front... all I do is think about how much I loved being with you, and it was far from perfect

[23:46] Me: in fact it was even * * * * ed up in some ways

[23:46] Me: but it was still better than anything I've had since, or ever

[23:46] Me: and I miss it

[23:47] Me: jeezus

[23:47] Me: I'm so sorry Her

[23:47] Her: dont be..... ur "jeezus" made me lol

[23:48] Me: I wish I didn't read into * * * * so much and I wish I could learn keep my mouth shut...

[23:48] Her: despite all the serious talk

[23:48] Me: moment of brevity

[23:48] Me: levity

[23:48] Me: rather

[23:48] Me: seriously though, do you know how bright you are?

[23:48] Me: you're a * * * * ing star

[23:49] Me: I don't even know if I'm worthy of being with you

[23:49] Me: but I sure as * * * * want to try

[23:49] Her: no, most days i dont.... thats the prob

[23:49] Me: and I think I'm pretty * * * * ing special so I know in my gut that no other guy is worthy of you

[23:49] Me: and I don't think any of them will be able to make you happy

[23:49] Me: just like no girl I've been with can make me happy

[23:50] Me: you're a tough * * * * ing benchmark you know that?

[23:50] Her: no

[23:50] Me: and you should know that you are

[23:50] Me: I wish you did

[23:51] Me: your humility/self doubt is one of your biggests strengths/weaknesses

[23:51] Me: dont ever settle

[23:51] Me: not for anyone

[23:51] Me: even me

[23:52] Me: so... who won the biggest loser?

[23:52] Her: lol

[23:52] Her: stop

[23:52] Me: believe me, I know I cant run from all that * * * * I just put out there

[23:52] Me: I'm not trying

[23:53] Me: just lightening the mood

[23:54] Her: good job

[23:54] Her: u just gave me a WHOLE LOT to think about

[23:54] Me: I don't know, do you think I'm crazy?

[23:54] Her: no

[23:54] Me: do you think I'm just turning sappy because of the holidays?

[23:54] Her: u are the sane one

[23:54] Her: lol

[23:54] Her: no

[23:55] Her: i never pegged u as a sappy holiday guy

[23:55] Me: yeah, I guess not

[23:55] Me: my birthday was tough though, I won't lie

[23:55] Her: really??

[23:55] Her: y?

[23:55] Me: just this * * * * I guess

[23:56] Me: and the people who did show, they weren't my real friends

[23:56] Me: just some friends

[23:56] Me: and I wanted you there

[23:56] Her: im sorry

[23:56] Me: * * * * ing 1800flowers had to send me an email to remind me about dec 11

[23:56] Me: hah

[23:56] Me: anyway

[23:56] Me: I'm glad you're going to think about it

[23:57] Me: and not just file it away

[23:57] Her: i do appreciate u

[23:57] Me: I thought for sure you would ask for me back after I fixed your heater

[23:57] Me: jk

[23:58] Her: lol

[23:58] Her: that was awesome!

[23:58] Me: haha

[23:58] Me: well I would have done it even if I werent still pining for you

[23:58] Me: lord

[23:58] Her: ur prob like.... shoulda let that * * * * * freeze

[23:58] Me: I sound like such a douche

[23:58] Me: hah

[23:58] Me: not even

[23:59] Me: you know I care about you no matter what

[23:59] Me: but yeah, I'm not looking for an answer today, all I'm asking is that you think about it

[23:59] Me: and now you know the truth about what I think and the genie is out of the bottle there's no putting it back

[00:00] Her: we should really hand out some time and connect

[00:00] Me: I know

[00:00] Me: I wanted to today

[00:00] Me: but I didnt really feel welcome for some reason

[00:00] Me: not you

[00:00] Me: just I dunno

[00:00] Me: after xmas maybe

[00:01] Me: and you know that I love boy right? I fully accept him as part and parcel to the whole package

[00:01] Me: I don't want to be your FWB again... as fantastic as it was, to be honest, it ate me up inside a little

[00:04] Me: and at the rist of sounding too accomodating... I'mready to hangout and connect whenever you are... and I know your schedule is busier than mine so the ball is completely in your court on that one, you tell me when and where and I'll show up

[00:04] Me: risk

[00:05] *** "Her" signed off at Mon Dec 15 00:05:43 2008.

[alli]

At least you know that she knows how you really feel about her. Her responses were pretty non-commital; I honestly don't know what to make of it myself. Also, she left rather abruptly without saying goodbye.

 

People always have things going on in their lives. Family relations, fights with friends, unsatisfactory jobs, or no job at all. I spent 4 months unemployed & looking for a job.. which sucked... but I stayed with my bf throughout the whole thing. To me it would make no sense to not be with him because I don't have a job, the issues just aren't inherently connected. Nothing is ever perfect; why must it be before beginning a relationship?

 

At this time it doesn't sound like she wants the commitment you do. I couldn't tell you why, I think I would melt if my bf said what you said. Give her a little time to get used to the idea, if she was really unaware of your feelings. But at some point, if she wants to keep you close but not actually make the commitment you want to make, you'll need to give yourself some space from her. Otherwise you will basically be living off scraps under her table, always hungry for more but never actually sitting at the table with a steak.

[Saldelmundo]

Thanks Alli,

 

One thing is certain, that I have not been on her mind the way she's been on mine. If she really didn't know that I still felt this way, then maybe she'll want to try something after she thinks about it for a while, but my gut feeling at this point is not good. I think I'm going to let things be, and wait to hear from her after christmas. I don't know how long I want to wait for her to think about it.

 

But if nothing else, I can say that I left all my cards on the table, I've held nothing back, so either it'll fly or it won't, I can't do anything more. I think I'm most relieved that there didn't appear to be any uncomfortableness or pity on her part, and as long as I do suck it up and get over it, we should be fine as friends, I don't think I pushed her any further away than she was.

[Saldelmundo]

Also, she left rather abruptly without saying goodbye.

 

Regarding that...

 

She did leave rather abruptly without saying goodbye, but I didn't think much of it as her internet connection is flakey, and she often will simply close her laptop and pass out when she is tired, it was after midnight after all... but this morning I got a text.

 

"Sorry about logging off, i had an unexpected visitor .... Didnt mean to be rude"

 

What would you take from that?

[lady00]

If I were you I'd be really careful. I think there is great potential here for you to get seriously hurt. Notice how she said she needs to figure herself out before being with someone...for some reason that really stuck out to me. Often people say that when they don't want to be with a particular person because they think it hurts less to make it sound like it is about them rather than about the other person.

[Saldelmundo]

In case anyone here was wondering how this turned out.

 

I ended up getting back together with her, It felt right and wonderful and was great.... then this: