Lust in my heart is killing me

[John Deere]

I saw another post here by a guy who was trying to make himself feel better by confessing his crush on a coworker. I have a not so secret coworker crush that is killing me, mine a little more advanced I guess you could say.

 

I have been married about 16 years. Have Kids the whole routine. I am obviously missing something because I have been highly susceptible to straying. Yes its my fault but my wife and I dont really have a sex life, there are trust issues (I have never fully trusted her, again whatever this reason its both of our problem, and my wife has self esteem problems).

 

Otherwise I am a happy family man! LOL

 

Anyway so then she comes along- a similarly married woman who confessed to me and I to her that we have a huge attraction to each other. Bodily contact has been some passionate groping and kissing after the office xmas party but I want to STOP thinking about her, and I wish I didnt have to see her any more which is all extremely possible because we dont work in the same building or on the same team. So no problem eh? Just dont go out of my way to see her and hope she isn't really serious either.

Wrong. What I am really trying to avoid is being rejected by her. If this happens I can get it over it but it still means I am looking for a relationship that i can control. And whenever I get it I will be putting my family life at risk.

So i guess I have a problem. My ego is saving me THIS time maybe but it doesnt stop my underlying need for other women.

I cannot get this woman out of my mind. She is from Brazil and extremely sensuous and sexy. If I get what I want this will be a full blown affair with a married woman who I cant have. If i just ignore her and she is ok with that then this is just a painful but harmless crush which will probably inspire me to go rebound onto somebody else.

Yeah I have issues.

By the way this woman is perfect for me because we obviously have the same value set I thought i was subtly seducing her when it was she who was seducing me. We figured this out during one kiss and tell session after the xmas party. Now that she knows I have this attraction to her the ball is in her court. Hopefully she will not initiate any more contact with me when she sees me doing the same and we will both look the other way if we happen to see each other. Because if she comes to me I will cave I am that weak.

 

I still need a plan, either find some way to get my marriage straight or figure out what i really need so that cheating is no longer what I am doing. I know I feel bad about it but just not bad enough to want to not cheat. What a mess!

[John Deere]

I have a hunch your question is rhetorical as if to imply I do NOT want my wife and family if I do this

 

but I will just answer it simply: Yes.

 

I have love for my wife and just dont know how to get her to respond to me in like fashion.

 

i am the prototype for family guy in all other ways- I spend my weekends not at the golf course or with buddies I spend it with my wife and my sons. Thats by choice. Its what i like.

 

If there was a doubt about this I think I could honestly say "dont know" or "maybe not so i better think about options" but thats not the case.

 

I dont have a sex addiction I dont think because Im pretty sure I dont have enough of any kind of sexual activity to qualify

 

I might have a commitment problem but why is it manifesting itself in this intense desire for a passionate relationship with other women?

[jettison]

I don't really see your problem reaching a conclusion until you have started a full blown affair that creates enough lasting reprecussions to end your marriage. There is no way you would be taking these kinds of risks unless deep down you wanted out.

 

There isn't a lot of great advice to be lent at this point except "see a therapist".

[COtuner]

Sounds like you need to work on your bedroom life with your wife. Maybe there is a reason she is not helping you to have the relationship you want. The kids could be a factor, or maybe you've fallen into a rut of sorts.

 

Therapy is a good place to work through this, but have you tried just talking to your wife about having a more passionate marriage?

[John Deere]

I don't really see your problem reaching a conclusion until you have started a full blown affair that creates enough lasting reprecussions to end your marriage. There is no way you would be taking these kinds of risks unless deep down you wanted out.

 

There isn't a lot of great advice to be lent at this point except "see a therapist".

 

 

I busted a loud guffaw at your "poker face" sig. That is a great line. Thanks for that.

 

As to your advice to seek a therapist I need to start looking seriously at that. Thank you for the honest reply.

 

I dont know where to begin on that front but I will look into it.

[John Deere]

Sounds like you need to work on your bedroom life with your wife. Maybe there is a reason she is not helping you to have the relationship you want. The kids could be a factor, or maybe you've fallen into a rut of sorts.

 

Therapy is a good place to work through this, but have you tried just talking to your wife about having a more passionate marriage?

 

 

COtuner: my wife and I had a brief counseling many years ago. It didn't go so well. However you are correct in that our family life only means "kids" and has for many years. Weird how kids can tear a marriage apart I wonder how I can get my wife to earnestly want to spend alone time with me? And If i have to "get" her to do it is it even worth it?

[John Deere]

Seeing other women will definitely not make your marriage better.

 

Victoria I know this like I know the sun will come up in the morning and go down at night. If I am being a careless ego daredevil risktaker than I deserve losing my family. But I dont fit the description in the slightest in all other ways.

 

So anyone know a good the_rapist?

[John Deere]

Yes, you do need a plan to save your marriage.

 

What's the most important element of a marriage?

What are the three or four most important elements?

 

Hammer it out right here, right now.

 

Communication had better be in there somewhere. Do it.

 

Now imagine you know as much about the coworker as you do about your wife. Think she's still infidelity-hot?

 

Wow. That is a great reply. I need to read that again, especially the last sentence.

 

Ok I read it again and in fact the little I do know about her (failing marriage, desperate attitude towards her marriage, overall commitment problems) just makes her understandable and empathetic. If I really got to know her I might find plenty of things that are not "hot". You are absolutely correct there. And as I said, I am staying well away from her as much as I can during this short week, She goes back to Brazil and doesnt return until mid January. By then I think I can handle it.

 

Long term plan is to get my wife to go do things with just us regularly, start having it consistently again (Dont mean to sound crass but you asked) AND start imagining what our life will look like growing old together. This will not happen right away but I cant give up if the response is tepid at first. Communication is what I will provide and expect to make this happen.

 

Thanks everyone who has responded on this forum. I feel more positive now.

[John Deere]

"...AND start imagining what our life will look like growing old together."

 

^^^ Choice. Now we see who you are. You're gonna win! (the two of you.)

 

Thanks Indigo. This forum experience has bolstered me. I will post again and let everyone know what's happening with my experience. Things like this you cant tell ANYONE, maybe even your lifelong friends, tg for the internet.

[John Deere]

I am curious though about this site: I chose Infidelity for my topic- what if I had chosen relationships or gawd forbid Dating and posted exactly the same post?

 

Would there still be the same insightful and thoughtful advice? Or would it have been a different take? I almost made that mistake until I saw the correct category

[John Deere]

Yesterday I started this thread and got solid advice from Indigo Eye, Victoria66 and others. Yesterday I tried to take this advice to heart by asking my wife about going out on "dates" her and myself. I tried to couch this with as much communication as I could include. Basically I said that we needed to work on our marriage. No accusations, no finger pointing, just an idea. This got a lukewarm response. So this morning I tried again- I sent my wife an email from work asking about what I had mentioned last night. More lukewarmy responses. Not out and out rejection just kind of no commitment "I feel fat" answers.

 

Now I was all prepared for the other foot to fall at work. (read above if you don't know what Im talking about). And yes today I got a very brief "whats up" email from my Brazilian "friend".

 

I want everybody to know I did what I said I was going to do. And then I caved.

 

The what's up email to me triggered a very professional work related response from me without any open ended implication. Basically I just sent a very plain email about how the weather was making the office quiet today and that I hoped everybody was staying warm. This was difficult for me, in light of the lack of commitment from my wife. (remember I am very attracted to this other woman) I thought I was past all trouble as I prepared to leave from work. Last check of my email had an immediate request to call her. No please in the sentence. Its not in me to be rude like that. But the problem is that I knew where this was headed and I still did it. Rude would have worked. Instead I ended up meeting her after work for hijinks. We are still keeping it casual because she is married too but this is a bad deal.

 

The worse thing is that I feel let down by my wife and my ego is taking over. I tried just casually talking to her again tonite when I finally got home but but there is just no common ground anymore. I dont want to give up but this is getting out of control.

 

Suggestions?

[waveseer]

Tell your wife you've made dinner reservations and purchased theatre tickets (after you do this of course). Tell here what night it is and that she is welcome to go buy something nice to wear. On the evening in question bring her a rose. Take her out and treat her as the most precious person in your life, the most important and the most revered. Open doors, pull out her chair, see to her comfort. At the end of the night thank her for a wonderful evening and let her know you will be doing this weekly (or bi-weekly if your budget requires). Kiss her the same way you did when you kissed her the very first time.

 

Remember that you love her and if you lose her you will have lost everything.

[John Deere]

Tell your wife you've made dinner reservations and purchased theatre tickets (after you do this of course). Tell here what night it is and that she is welcome to go buy something nice to wear. On the evening in question bring her a rose. Take her out and treat her as the most precious person in your life, the most important and the most revered. Open doors, pull out her chair, see to her comfort. At the end of the night thank her for a wonderful evening and let her know you will be doing this weekly (or bi-weekly if your budget requires). Kiss her the same way you did when you kissed her the very first time.

 

Remember that you love her and if you lose her you will have lost everything.

 

No offense, I am not trying to sound like a peenis but...

 

I am not that good of a person. I am a decent person and I am very concerned with my marriage but I don't have a bottomless reservoir of energy to summon up Mr Perfect. I really feel that would do the trick for one night but its not real. Its even less real than just going to bed with someone who is actually attracted to me. I am trying to give my wife and our marriage the benefit of the doubt but where is the bounce back? I dont feel have sabotaged it completely. I am really trying to avoid doing anything out of anger or revenge or boredom. I am trying very hard as it is. Although you may not see it that way. If I could just get a decent heart to hear talk with my wife and some actual interest in me I could tell my hardup ego to take a hike. But yeah the dream date thing is really hard to pull off at this point and would not work. I would be satisfied with baby steps.

[waveseer]

No worries but be aware that although you may be satisfied with baby steps it is entirely possible that your wife will not. She wants a man, not a mouse.

[IndigoEye]

We talked about a plan. You went straight into execution. You haven't got an outline of this yet and you went into recitation. SLOW DOWN. Block the chaquita from your e-mail.

 

Get a note pad for this. You need to learn this before you can do it. You're still vulnerable.

 

I'm very ill, I'm tired, I have a headache and have to travel tomorrow. I can't write this for you right now; but, in the mean time you need to get rid of this pathogen before you can rehab your body.

 

But it goes something like this:

 

1. Get on your knees. Put God first. Memorize Ephesians Ch 6. Read Proverbs.

2. Later on Charo via NC. She'll get the picture. This is no time for egocentricity. You're replaceable (to both at the same time if you screw this up.)

3. Redesign your inner core to not involve this again. Know yourself better.

4. Plan your marriage rahab. (I'll help with that part when you tell me you're ready.)

 

I have to go but incidentally, (this hilarious), the woman who just dumped me took me to a film about this kind of thing just beforehand. Something about a fireman in the title with someone named Curt Cameron in it. I'd say find it. Might want to Google it.

 

Good night John. See ya later.

[IndigoEye]

"If I could just get a decent heart to hear talk with my wife and some actual interest in me..."

 

Just saw this after posting.

 

This will take some time. She's not on the same page as you right now. That's the first of the first here. work on that. Get on the same page in whatever manner is required. I have no idea what that entails.

 

Use imperceptible hints to feel out a situation so you'll know the how-and-when of it's execution. Read Sun Tzu, "The Art of War". Just kidding. Well, actually... Man, I could quote the hell outta that book right now.

 

The date may be a little premature if she sounds so lukewarm but at this point but don't lose that info. Might save a copy for myself. (She's very wise.) I dig her.

 

-Caio

[bostonbruins24]

I think it is time to end your marriage.You both seem not to have any feelings for each other anymore.You can still do all of the respectable things with your kids on the weekends and can still be a great Dad.It can be a happy ending.

[John Deere]

Exactly what I need Indigo Eye: a concrete plan (or at least woodframe so I can customize it as I might need to)

1. Get on your knees. Put God first. Memorize Ephesians Ch 6. Read Proverbs.

 

I was driving home in iced-over heavy traffic so the knee thing wasn't possible but I did ask Jesus nicely to help me find a way to not see her anymore. I am not an especially religious person but I believe that the help comes from somewhere. Can't be too proud too ask. As I already demonstrated earlier in this thread, my own personal fortitude didnt stop me from making out with this person again tonite at a restaurant over a glass of wine. Proverbs you say? I may check that out

 

 

2. Later on Charo via NC. She'll get the picture. This is no time for egocentricity. You're replaceable (to both at the same time if you screw this up.)

 

Solid solid solid, IE you oughta go into the Dear Abby biz. That resonates.

 

The no contact thing would do the trick given that she is married and this is a workplace romance (she is not subjugate to me nor I to her) should be a clean break if she wants her job. I like her too much is the only thing. She is a nice person and hurting her is going to be difficult.

 

*This one needs some luck, liquor, or lying I hate to say it.

 

I am old enough to know that this is bad candy, that the sneaking around adds a spice but thats still cheating, that the attraction here could be VERY fleeting as soon as we actually get to know each other on real terms and that If I ever do comingle here i am going to wake up with the worst case of self recriminating guilty heart that I could ever imagine. That alone should keep me out of the sheets. I KNOW that kind of pain already and its just not worth it. So why does * * * * always win this battle?!?

 

3. Redesign your inner core to not involve this again. Know yourself better.

 

One step ahead of you. If i can get past this I already realize Ive got a weakness for this and I need to not even flirt.

 

4. Plan your marriage rahab. (I'll help with that part when you tell me you're ready.)

 

You seem to have a good approach. I may take you up on that if I get the hard part out of the way.

 

 

Thanks again,

 

JD

[John Deere]

Freshly dumped and in here helping out? Way to man up.

 

I hope the hilarious part overshadowed the hurting part for you if there was any.

 

Curt Cameron better not be Kirk Cameron if am going to watch this movie

[John Deere]

I am getting a mental problem from this situation.

 

For some reason I am slipping into despair.

 

I told her the reasons that I can't see her anymore:

 

-work at the same office, bad for reputation as well as quality of work,

 

-family

 

-both married

 

- I am totally impotent (I made that part up but nothing is proven yet since we are keeping it at the level of canoodling in restaurants (nearly got kicked out of restaurant number 2 tonite) wow, inner parentheses, I am

 

She agreed and then we just started horndogging on each other again.

 

I told her when we were driving back that I cant do this anymore because I am not liking her any less and I already think about her all day and she's not leaving her husband even if I left my wife so we are doomed to restaurant making out for the rest of this relationship. I suggested we try faking our travel arrangements by a day to get her a missed night away from her husband but deep down that is insane because I dont even know her husband and I feel bad for the guy. Apparently he is still kinda crazy for her but she says the magic is missing. What am I missing besides morals? I even spent some time talking to me wife tonite and she is at least trying to talk to me a little. This is my deal. I need it to end badly just so it will end. And by end badly I mean for me but not my family. Maybe I can get dumped by this person and eventually get over it. Seems like the best solution at this point. Maybe If I endlessly call her and send her emails she will tire of me or get irritated. Since I will be doing that anyway I will just call it a plan.

 

 

 

omfg I cant be doing this. I must be psychological.

[IndigoEye]

omfo: Oh my feeble gourd?

[John Deere]

omfo: Oh my feeble gourd?

 

nice try Indigooey. You cannot insult a man who has already debased himself as much as I have in the past week.

 

 

But just as I complain about going unneccesarily retarded about a Brazilian woman i dont have it as bad as my friend and coworker (lets call him Harold). Harold, like myself has been involved in our companie's business dealings in Brazil. Harold, though has gone completely native and made a girlfriend out of a brazilian stripper and wants to bring her to the U.S. She's half his age and he has probably spent 10 thousand entertainment dollars on her during businesss trips. He has now split with his long time commonlaw wife and she's taking him for all he's worth. Stupid and stupider. At least I have a chance to get out of this whole. That idiot is my friend but he's really hopelessly lost up the Amazon.

[waveseer]

If you really want her to go away (your mistress) then you need to go over the top with the attention and affection. Leave her sweet notes and flowers in her car. Call her 20 times a day and say it was just to hear her voice when you get her voicemail. Buy her all kinds of stupid little nicknacks and tell her that they remind you of her. Buy her teddy bears with pink bows on them. Buy sexy undergarments and hide them in her bottom desk drawer at work. I'm sure you can think of a million more. She'll no longer be a problem to you in no more than 72 hours.

[John Deere]

If you really want her to go away (your mistress) then you need to go over the top with the attention and affection. Leave her sweet notes and flowers in her car. Call her 20 times a day and say it was just to hear her voice when you get her voicemail. Buy her all kinds of stupid little nicknacks and tell her that they remind you of her. Buy her teddy bears with pink bows on them. Buy sexy undergarments and hide them in her bottom desk drawer at work. I'm sure you can think of a million more. She'll no longer be a problem to you in no more than 72 hours.

 

 

Thanks for the creative/sarcastic suggestions I don't think I will have to go to those extremes. I can already tell that this was a white hot attraction problem that can't possibly keep its center.

 

We spoke on the phone today and she suggested that we not see each other today. Ouch. She says that her husband is just too interested in her activities and it might be suspicious. I think it might be an excuse and she is just needing a break from me. Or maybe she is over her attraction on me. I dont know. I will be relieved if thats the case but * * * now I feel rejected? Big LOL

I usually act like the grown man I am. I thought i was past this kind of rollercoaster emotional stuff. I must have been looking for this kind of "excitement". I have no appetite, I am doing my work in a daze and I feel slightly nauseous.

 

Anyone else know what I am talking about?

[CleanSlate]

technically, you have already had an affair. You don't even care that this other woman is married.

you haven't told your wife about this other woman...

have you thought about having your wife out of the picture?

It's really not that difficult. Choose one.

It seems that all you are thinking about is yourself...

And if your wife has self esteem issues, it could be because of how you treat her...and having an affair will not make her feel better about herself.

 

Your fling will not last. I know it's so incredibly hard to feel rejected by this beautiful married woman who makes you think she's happy being with you...but rejection isn't the end of the world. You poor thing...