A bit more about contact with ex fiancee from 2 years ago.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I wrote a thread maybe a week ago about this, and have some additional feelings to share.

 

The quick recap is that my ex fiancee from 2 years ago broke NC about two weeks ago. She sent an email to my work address saying she had a dream that something happened to me, and she wanted to know if I was still alive. It seemed pretty lame to me...I responded and said I was fine. She then explained that her therapist thought it would be good for her to talk to me. She's bipolar and has issues with her emotions going all over the place, anger especially.

 

The quick story of our relationship:

 

Our relationship ended when she just left our apartment one day with her stuff and never came back. She left her engagement ring on the kitchen table, and broke my heart that day. We got back together 7 months later, and she toyed with my feelings again near Christmas time. She suddenly told me she didn't love me anymore and wasn't going to see me for Christmas. A day later, she called me back to apologize, but I had it by then. I told her we were done and never to talk with me again, and I stuck to it.

 

Fast forward to the present. We are emailing, and I'm accepting of it. I'm willing to talk to her. I find out that she dropped out of school and had a baby 3 weeks ago. She's not happy with her current boyfriend for a variety of reasons. I made it clear to her that I was OK with being friends with her, but this would not go anywhere beyond that.

 

I am getting over someone right now, and I told her about that. To my surprise, she has been extremely supportive and has been contacting me to check on me, and has been very giving of her time and attention when I needed someone to talk to. It's a bit of an awkward situation, but I am very thankful for what she's been doing. I have very few friends, so few people I can talk to.

 

We actually got to talking about our past relationship, and she's now able to admit the mistakes she made. She admitted that she was very emotional, broke her promises to me about changing her behavior (managing her anger better, etc), and it felt like a sigh of relief to hear that, because I tend to blame myself for everything. We also talked about things I could have done better. I realize that I was pretty insecure around her, and I started arguments with her over things that I probably should not have.

 

Overall, it's been a pretty positive experience. I am finding some inner peace in this, because I thought I'd never talk to her again, and it feels great to be at peace with each other. We clearly do not hate each other anymore, and the other good thing is that there's hardly any left over feelings of love, etc. Meaning, I am not sitting around wishing we could get back together. I feel. comfortable...is what I am trying to say. She's even offered to hook me up with some of her friends...!

 

What has been hard about this, however, is hearing from her the things that I did wrong in the relationship. When I compare it to the relationship that just ended, I realize that I repeated some of the same behaviors. My insecurity has gotten better, but I realize I have some things to work on as well. It was a little bit scary, because I realize how similar my ex fiancee and my current ex are. They were both a bit unstable, and VERY insensitive to my feelings when I was with them.

 

I scare myself when I think I will never be able to fix myself.

[blemished]

You sound like a very thoughtful guy. Many people never get to the point where they question themselves or their actions this honestly. If I were you, I would find out why you act the way you do, and what can be done to make a relationship successful for you, given your tendencies and what kind of person you attract and are attracted to. I wouldn't run away from a future person who may remind you of your ex's (unless they are crazy or it is something extreme like that), but I would just keep this all in mind the next time so if you do find yourself in a bad situation, you can change it before it gets to this point.

[lostandhurt]

Being brutally honest with yourself is the first step along with listening when someone close to you criticizes you. Listen and learn. Many behaviors are not intentional. They come from our upbringing or from some trauma or drama in our lives and we react to protect ourselves. Look for why you do those things not just how to not do them. Treating the symptoms will not work, you need to find the cause and get the cure so to speak.

 

Be careful if you two meet up in person. I see a recipe for things going to far by accident.

 

lost

[keefy1972]

Just a thought here, but, it has been my experience that an ex in an unhappy relationship uses their exes as an escape from dealing with problems in their life. Seems like she is using you here. I know you probably don't want to hear that, but if you want to deal with your own issues, you can start by nipping this in the bud.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Thanks for your input everyone.

 

In the three really bad relationships I had, it was usually something the girl said in the very beginning that set off sirens and insecurities with me.

 

In one case, the girl said "I don't think I can be with just one guy."

Another girl had said to me, "I'm a mean person and I sometimes take advantage of nice people." This same girl said later on, "I need a guy who won't let me walk on him."

 

I took these statements at face value, and made a call that the person probably does not share my values. The next question is going to be, well, if the statements bothered me so much, why do I stay with the person? It was because there was a part of me that did not want to believe them, and I saw other good things in the girl. However, the words themselves bothered me alot, and I started to suspect that the person might have another motive for being with me. For example, the girl who said to me that she takes advantage of people talked alot about her ex early on, so I thought she was not over him and perhaps just using me as a rebound. We had a very rocky relationship because I was very suspicious and made her aware of that. Unfortunately, she was not very understanding of me, and usually responded to me with anger and criticism instead of compassion and understanding. However, there were times when I acted irrationally too and started arguments over things I should not have.

 

This is one of the things that set me off - just hearing people say things like this made sirens go off in me. Some people said I should not be bothered my these statements, and perhaps they had another meaning below the surface. However, I took them at face value.

 

Keefy - I think the same sometimes. She has been a great support to me, which is why I am ok with talking to her. But yeah, I have some doubts about it too.

[redhearts]

Sounds like she is realising her mistakes, she has a kid, not in school and she knows your a good person. So I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to befriend you, acts like she changed a little then tries to get with you. Do what you feel is best, but I personaly think staying away is best.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Sounds like she is realising her mistakes, she has a kid, not in school and she knows your a good person. So I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to befriend you, acts like she changed a little then tries to get with you. Do what you feel is best, but I personaly think staying away is best.

 

Yeah, it really seemed like she has, but in a way, it seems like not...

 

It seems like every other day I talk to her, she has a different opinion on what to do with her current b/f. Then again, I felt the same way with my ex most recently...I also know if I was him, and I found out she suddenly started talking to an ex about our problems, I would be ANGRY, and I would definitely suspect her of maybe trying to get back with him.

 

As for me, one of the things I'm thankful for is the opportunity to tell her over the phone that I'm sorry for my role in the breakdown of the relationship. I truly feel there were things I could have done much better. Do I think it was my actions that led to the demise of the relationship - no, I don't think so. She was the one who chose to just walk out the door one day and never come back. Maybe she did it because she thought I was too much. I just remember calling her that morning asking her not to leave, but all she kept doing was answering and then hanging up the phone. I couldn't even get a word in and I felt powerless....

 

That really left an impression on me, and after that, I felt like how could I trust anyone. You do and you put your heart and soul into a relationship which was difficult in the first place because of her mental health (being bipolar), and one day, despite all of the heartache and your efforts, have it one day tossed back in your face, and you come home to a half empty apartment with the engagement ring you spent an entire summer savings on just sitting there on the kitchen able. I can't find words to describe how that felt.

 

So yeah, this is one reason why I feel like I can't trust anyone, and perhaps one reason why I've been acting insecure in new relationships. But, I was insecure even before this happened in the first place, so that one I'm still trying to figure out....