PLEASE some one give me advice. :(

[male2008]

Hi

 

So this is the situation.

 

About 2 and a half year ago I meet this girl, we fell madly inlove. But already in the start there where small problems none that I wasent willing to work on. She had an obsessive jeoulus ex that called her like everyday and some nights he called up to 8 times. I let it slide letting her handle it. But she didnt, telling me how badly he treated her and he was a jerk. When I asked her about just telling him to * * * * off, she said she had a hard time being to mean, she told him to stop calling, but it didnt help. I took over and stopped it.

 

Then she had a myspace, she had some guys on it fair enough, but one was always telling her how beautifull she was, that she was the most beautifull woman in the world if they shouldnt take trips together, this was 6 months into the relationship. I thought it was not cool and unappropriate, also cause I wasent doing any of this stuff with girls on myspace. I asked her to stop, she said she didnt want to hurt his feelings mind you that she never met the guy and he lived in a different country. finally she tried to hide him and then when I told her enough was enough, she thruw him out.

 

Now Im not the jeoulus type, never have been, but feelt that this was inappropriat. I mean I encouraged her to go out with her friends and have fun. But this behaviour continuted she would add some random guys from school or other places and they would start flirting with her, she wouldnt flirt back, but still thanked them " ohh thats sweet, thank you for example. In my opinion that encourages them on.

 

Now mind you she is a former annorexic of 12 years, and has gotten over that. But issues are still there. I supported her through difficult times, like a boyfriend should. She supported me when I had difficult times. Other then this myspace crap, she never flirted with guys or anything like that.

 

So the first time we broke up was after a couple of months of hard times, she complained she wasent dancing or seeing her friends, even though I encouraged her to do so. Things went down hill when we moved in together, then she got pregnate and lost the baby, we broke up soon after that, but got back together a month later. After that the relationship was never the same, my feelings dont seem to be as strong as they where.

 

She had promised me she changed her ways. But soon after we started dating again she askes me to go on her myspace and add a guy she kissed once and he was once in love with her. I told her fine add him if you want but dont ask me to do it. She cried and cried telling me she dosent know what she is doing or why she messes up, I was reading for a final exam but had to spent 2 hours on the phone calming her down.

 

Then it keept happening. the last straw was when she added a guy on myspace and MSN. this guy was in a groupwork with her in school. So no problem but he was a known sleez bag. but I didnt say anyhing I wasent even thinking about it. One day I used her computer and by change her msn window with this guy was up, he was telling her how sad he was she couldnt come to his party, he missed her.

She told him she had to go to dinner with me. This wasent some dinner and I had offered her to go another night. This was an expensive dinner and I had 100 candles waiting for us in my room to make it more romantic. Why would she say had to. Like it was a burden. He responded to bad.

 

I didnt say anything, thought dont read to much into it. Then it keept going on, he was telling her how he loves girls with boobjobs. she has one. talking about * * * * and stuff with her, I told her I thought it was not right. I didnt talk this why with my friends that where girls. Then the final thing was she called me while I was finishing a paper to tell me he had been staring at her boobs all day. I said ok what you want me do to? Beat him up, talk to him. No she just wanted to tell me that she thought it was inappropriate that her friends told him she had a boobjob. I said so not angry at him, oh sure I´m. I told her throw him out of msn and myspace. but again came I dont want to hurt his feelings. Short after that I broke upp with her.

 

Its been 5 months we have been dating for 1 1/2 month. She is totaly inlove with me. Why we started dating is because we keept talking on msn and on the phone,she would call me. I told her I cant do this. I cant get over you this way. So I suggested that we either try again or stop talking all the time. She wanted to try again so I thought ok give it one more shoot.

 

But now its been 1 1/2 month, we only see eachother sporadicly and I keep getting flashbacks to the time she hurt me. She is back into stress mode cause of exams. She closed her myspace telling me that she dindt want to be reminded of when she almost ruined the best thing that happened to her.

 

Im so confused. Im usure this is right. I think she is beautifull and sweet. We laugh alot when we are togther, my family loves her. But Im not sure she is the one, we get into petty fights and I get annoyed at things I usally didnt. We dont talk about the future anymore. I might be moving out of the country. I also get the urge to go out with my friends rather then to see her. We have chemistry, great sex and laugh all the time. But I dont know some thing dosent feel like it did before.

 

What should I do, end this? Or work through it?

[waveseer]

You sound confused, do you really want her or not?

[male2008]

Im really confused. In one way I want it to work out, Another I want to go back out into the game. In one way I might be moving out of the country which will be the end of us. In one way I think mabey we both deserve something better, then again I get scared mabey this is good.

 

Im not so afraid of ending alone, I know that I will find someone. But what if I will regret letting her go? Or if I dont let her go.

 

so as you can see Im confused. I need advice

[male2008]

Some one give me advice, cut my loses or try to make it work. Am I just holding on to something that should be let go for greener pastures or what?

[waveseer]

Whatever you do, don't lead her on until your confusion clears.

[lost1607307474]

The whole thing sounds very confusing and messy - and I think you're not the only one who is confused but she is confused as well. I think you two both need to take some time to talk about the relationship are why you are both unsatisfied with it.

[male2008]

Yeah we need to talk, this cant go on, but she allready said she dosent want to talk about mabeys, cause she just wants us to be together. I also hate the fact I get these flashbacks of when she hurt me, alot of times. It just brings back the pain and anger.

[male2008]

But thats the thing, Im afraid that we are both good people just not ment for eachother.

[waveseer]

If you and her cannot communicate effectively enough to meet each of your needs there is little hope of a happy relationship together.

[male2008]

So what do I do?

[lost1607307474]

If you don't think you're meant for each other you should talk to her and tell you this. If there is little chance of having a good relationship you need to seriously reconsider it and let go if you need to. There is no easy way out of situations like this. You need to tell her how you feel.

[waveseer]

I agree with harmony, in fact I agree with harmony quite often.

[Rosesc]

Your story somewhat reminds me of my friend. He had a girlfriend who went apartment hunting with a boy. They were out all day till late at night, and she never once contacted him. He was very upset for obvious reasons. She had sent him a message saying "I don't know why you're upset, I didn't do anything wrong." And in his frustration, he said to me, "What should I do? It happens like this every time, and she just doesn't get it." Back then, I had no experience about it, but I do now. They didn't end up being together, even though he really loved her.

 

I think your story relates to his in many ways. For some reason, there's just a gap in your communication. She sees things one way, and you see it another, it's just in your personalities; in addition, there's also that problem of trust. Trust and communication are very important in a relationship. If you can't even look at her anymore without feeling pain, then your relationship will just be going downhill.

 

I think you need a little time to clear your mind. Maybe socialize with others while you're at it. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would have ended it through sheer frustration. And if by chance you should choose to let go, really let go. Let go and don't hold on.

[male2008]

Yeah you guys are right, what I thought about doing is wait until after xmas, she is going out fr a week, see how I feel about it, if Im relieafed or miss her. Also I feel bad doing this talk during the holidays.

 

Is that a good plan, just take it easy, then talk to her if things are status quo after xmas?

[male2008]

Ok, so Im still poundering about this decision.

 

tonight I had a party, big party around 60 people. Alot of fun.

 

but there was an "inncetend" that got me down really down.

 

there where 3 really hot girls, I spoke with them. But they where all three just interested in 2 guys that are basically cocky and assholes to girls. the girls ate it up. They followed them.

 

My problem is Im nice to girls all ways have been, just raised this way and I behave that way.

 

What if I become single and all these girls only fall for guys that are * * * * s to them.

 

It just bumed me out. Im not an * * * * * * * , I will be funny and charming, but Im just not an * * * * * * * by nature unless someone deserves it.

 

so I feel doomed to be the loser nice guy that no girls likes.

what do I do, do I try to become this * * * * * * * or stay with being me?????????

 

then I think mabey I should count my lucky stars that I have this girl already. the worst thing is I didnt use to be this unsecre about it and did allright, now I feel like crap about going out on the town and picking up girls if they just fall for assholes. If thats true Im screwed.

[sg84]

If you and her cannot communicate effectively enough to meet each of your needs there is little hope of a happy relationship together.

 

I second this.

[sg84]

This is a fact of life, I can't tell you how many guys that have said girls only go for jerks. I'm a girl, and I can't deny its partially the truth. I think girls go for guys that seem confident. Confidence is attractive b/c most females want to feel protected, along with a bunch of other reasons. You don't have to be an ass to get a girl though, just know that those guys who are "go getters" are more likely to end up with the girl sooner.

[male2008]

But Im a go getter, started my own firm, I box, workout do mma. Im finishing Uni while I started my startup. I m a go getter in every sense of the word. Im confident in me. But Im not a jerk.

 

dont get me wrong I do ok. But these girls just seem to fall head over heels for these jerks that have accomplished very little in their life.

[Javito1986]

All right man try looking at it this way: so the F what? Three hot girls go after the jerk guys who have nothing going for them. Besides being pleasing to the eye, those girls likely have nothing going on either. You on the other hand have a lot going on. There's a LOT of equally hot girls who go after cats like you. You need to look beyond a girl's hotness and judge her by her actions and those girls aren't likely the types you want around you. Keep your eyes open and when you meet a hot girl be sure you actually talk to her to see if she likewise has something going for her. Ogling really only gets you so far. So don't feel bad about the girls going for the jerk guys, not likely you'd gel with them anyway.

 

As far as your current situation, you're too confused and have too many doubts to continue it. I think you know what you have to do. Just be cool about it, it sounds like the relationship has potential to resume later on when you both have your issues worked out.

[male2008]

Yeah the problem with my current situation as well is this is the last chance. We have allready broken up twice. First time for just a month, she lost the baby and things went down hill from there. Then finally when we couldnt be in the same room together we broke up. But the last time it was cause of those problems I discussed earlier.

 

that was for 4 months breakup, and she called me all the time and msn everyday. so I thought either comunications are off or we have to give it a shoot if it dosent go then cut all comunication off.

 

We disscused it at length and desided to try again, then desided to try one more time, if it didnt work, then no contact went into effect and its done.

 

So I feel like if we break up for the third time its done.

 

I used to have a big fear of never finding someone again, but not so much anymore even though it pops up from time to time. Mostly now Im afraid I would have to settle for something less. but I no its not true.

 

Thing is I dont really want to just be out getting new chicks for onenight stands, I really just want to be in a relationship. But I dont want to settle for something or just be in one cause it feels comfortable and familier.

 

I want to be back in the same mood I was in the beginning. I dont meen it has to be all lovey dovey. I know that fades alittle and gets replaced by a deeper sense of being together. What I mean is this feeling this one is the one. Like some of my friends have or appeer to have any way.

[male2008]

Mabey Im asking for to much?

[Javito1986]

Thing is I dont really want to just be out getting new chicks for onenight stands, I really just want to be in a relationship. But I dont want to settle for something or just be in one cause it feels comfortable and familier.

 

 

 

Then don't do it. People remain in crappy relationships just because they're comfortable and familiar all the time, you don't want to be like that, never ends well.

 

Questions: Have you talked to her about your current misgivings about the relationship and if so what did she say? Do you honest to god -want- to work this relationship out, or are you "afraid" to end it because you don't know if you'll be able to find someone else?

 

ps. Asking to be happy is never asking for too much.

[male2008]

I havent spoken to her about this yet. But for example now she just finished her exams, I havent seen her for a 4 days, I should be anxious to see her. But I feel neutral. I didnt want to suggest it I wanted her to do it.

 

My fear of ending it is two fold. One that will be it, its gone and finished. I used to be afraid that she would just forget me and move on fast. I would be left alone hurting. But after hearing her talk about the months we where apart it seem like I was healing normalie and she was going through hell. Im not happy that she was sad, but feel for some weird reason like it shows I was a good boyfriend like I was.

 

But the second one is, I have a hard time thinking or vizualising other girls coming this close to me like she did. wanting to get to know me and what I like. I know its stupid but its still shaking me alittle.

 

Im also getting a little afraid if she returns to her old ways with guys flirting with her online behinde my back and her encouraging them.

 

I really dont know what to do. but this dosent feel like a healthy relationship and only getting worse with petty contests of getting the other person to ask to see the other one or to be the first to initiate conversation.

 

Im also afraid of talking to her about this cause i dont know where that will end, either in a break up or try to work it out. Both options worry me alittle.

 

I also am a afraid im waiting for the next girlfriend before Im ready to move on, I dont want to do that. Im not doing that.

 

Im just a little messy in my head and what to do. Im not as messed up as I was when we broke up this summer, I was going nuts. Now Im more like Im afraid of changeing the status quo. no matter which way it goes. break up or trying to fix it.

[male2008]

Any advices are welcome. I need help here