Living together...not a dream...

[holdfasthope]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 1 1/2 yrs, and we moved in together about 5 months ago. Since we moved in together, alot has changed.

 

It seems like on day 2, the sweatpants came out and stayed out. On weekends, she doesn't get dressed unless we're going somewhere, and often she'll forego a shower as well. This is very different from where we started.

 

And the worst part is, and this kills me, is that the breath is not always minty fresh if you know what I mean.

 

So above and beyond the obvious issues...I feel pretty insulted that it seems like she's very much given up and isn't wiling to make an effort anymore.

 

This includes laundry, grocery shopping, everything. I feel like I work for her.

 

Naturally, the physical aspect of our relationship has tapered off considerably as well.

 

Help!

[JeckyllNHyde]

LOL. I couldn't help but chuckle a bit.. Not at what your going thru, but just the whole cliche of the "wifey" who breaks out the sweatpants and does nothing but watch soap operas and eat chocolates.. in her robe.

 

In all seriousness though, have you told her anything?

 

Or at least have a small talk with her so she understands that you can't do EVERYTHING for her. Does she work btw? Student?

[holdfasthope]

Yes, and she's a very successful, driven career woman - which obviously attracted me to her. (she's 28, I'm 30.)

 

I've tried to broach the subject VERY delicately and the response was NOT positive so I backed off to try to think of another way to approach it. I don't want all-out war. That being said, I'm not going to be considering marriage with this happening in years 1-2.

[JeckyllNHyde]

what was her response when you told her? what exactly did you say to her? how did you bring it up?

[holdfasthope]

I try to let her know what I like to see her in (anything but sweatpants)...and have tried to make it obvious that I'm just not psyched about getting it on with someone on sunday night who last showered on saturday morning.

 

You can't really say anything to her directly. She is very um..preoccupied with her independence, so making any demands will be resisted just for the sake of resisting

[Supa_gurl]

Welcome to her comfort zone. It isn't going to get any better unless you are blunt and tell her how you feel. If you are blunt, she may get upset at first, but at least it is out in the open and you have said what you needed to say.

[holdfasthope]

Welcome to her comfort zone. It isn't going to get any better unless you are blunt and tell her how you feel. If you are blunt, she may get upset at first, but at least it is out in the open and you have said what you needed to say.

 

And I would certainly expect that. I WANT her to feel 100% comfortable. But I work pretty hard to keep myself...well....attractive because I know that with comfort and routine comes boredom.

 

I guess I kind of resent the fact that I'm busting my ass (gym) etc, so that I keep the flame burning, and she clearly doesn't care.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I try to let her know what I like to see her in (anything but sweatpants)...and have tried to make it obvious that I'm just not psyched about getting it on with someone on sunday night who last showered on saturday morning.

 

You can't really say anything to her directly. She is very um..preoccupied with her independence, so making any demands will be resisted just for the sake of resisting

 

well, at least your looking for a solution which is a step in the right direction. now if only she can see it.

 

i agree with supa/girl... this is an issue for you, and i dont think your demands are high when you say u would like her to at least shower once a day and brush her teeth..

u could also get her some nice lounge comfy but NOT sweatpants.. maybe a cute short and tank set?

and maybe some nice body wash lol. maybe she'll get the hint, but she cant get mad since you bought her gifts.

[holdfasthope]

well, at least your looking for a solution which is a step in the right direction. now if only she can see it.

 

i agree with supa/girl... this is an issue for you, and i dont think your demands are high when you say u would like her to at least shower once a day and brush her teeth..

u could also get her some nice lounge comfy but NOT sweatpants.. maybe a cute short and tank set?

and maybe some nice body wash lol. maybe she'll get the hint, but she cant get mad since you bought her gifts.

 

Haha and I don't want to give the impression that she's DIRTY. It's just nice to look nice!

[itsallgrand]

She is very um..preoccupied with her independence, so making any demands will be resisted just for the sake of resisting

 

That's probably more at the core of the difficult transition than sweats, eh?

 

Maybe you could bring it up by first asking her what issues, probs, difficulties she is having on her end with the new transition of having someone see all your 'honest moments' if you know what I mean?

 

Maybe she is feeling a bit overwhelmed at the mo by the transition from having that all out time to herself outside of work, to suddenly having to take into account there is another person around during that time and it is blurred with boyfriend time?

 

I remember this feeling living with someone at one point - and it was worked out by him giving me by time alone to veg, and our 'together' time became more defined. It gets too easy for "chill" time and "quality bf/gf" time to get blurred up at home.

[waveseer]

Take her out for breakfast on the weekends, it's the cheapest meal of the day and she will be up and ready.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When I come home from work the bra comes off and the sweatshirt and sweatpants go on. Do I look like a million bucks...no....but I am comfortable. At a certain point in a relationship you have to be comfortable and not stand on ceremony lounging around until 11:00 pm in clothes that you would wear to work, or out for dinner. The showering and brushing the teeth I can understand...also, she can get decent sweatpants if hers are ratty looking. It is important to be presentable and clean looking while also feeling comfortable in the privacy of your own home.

[mariposa81]

Why don't you plan on taking her out on a date one night? I know for a lot of people, that changes too when they move in with one another. Tell her the day before or so what time to be ready and do dinner at a nice restaurant and a movie or something afterwards. When you're out, tell her how great she looks, that you can't keep your hands off her, that you miss times when you BOTH took pride in looking nice/decent for one another (don't say just "her" because she'll most definitely get offended). Find a way to tell her how it makes you feel when she doesn't shower or brush her teeth that's not insulting, but be blunt (there's really no easy way to say it).

 

It's not reasonable for you to expect her to always be dressed to the tee 24/7 at home, but I can understand how you'd maybe like to see her look "decent" more often if she really doesn't shower or brush her teeth everyday.

 

Also, maybe invite her to the gym with you sometime. If she gets all sweaty in sweats or t-shirts, maybe she won't want to wear them as much. And like another poster said, maybe buy her some cute lounge clothes and when she does fix up or wear the cute lounge clothes that you like to see her in, compliment her.

 

This is a really sensitive situation with no easy fix because she's the one who has to be motivated to change it. Good luck.

[DN]

It seems that the two of you have different ideas about personal grooming and for some people that can be a dealbreaker. If it is for you then be aware that this will be something that would be very difficult to overcome because, even if she were to make some changes in order to hold your interest in her, the chances are that she would revert to her own habits were you to get married.

 

Given the fact that is is already resenting your hints and is very independent you may have to either accept her as she is or make a decision to find someone who is more compatible with you.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Yea,. those are also some great suggestions. from mariposa^^^ i was also thinking something along the lines of asking her to work out or join the gym with you (since u said you go)

[lady00]

"It seems like on day 2, the sweatpants came out and stayed out. On weekends, she doesn't get dressed unless we're going somewhere, and often she'll forego a shower as well. This is very different from where we started."

 

Honestly, this is exactly how I am at home on weekends. I think a person should be allowed to feel comfortable in their own home. That said, I don't live with my bf. But I don't think I would change this if we moved in together. I think that it would be wise to let these things go and not expect her to be "on" all the time. It's her home now and I think she deserves to feel at home. I really don't think this stuff is that bad or that atypical. In fact, it's the middle of the afternoon and I'm still in my pjs and have yet to shower.

 

"And the worst part is, and this kills me, is that the breath is not always minty fresh if you know what I mean."

 

That is a problem. I always try to have good breath, especially if I'm going to kiss my bf. Not sure how to broach the subject through...I've never had to.

 

 

"This includes laundry, grocery shopping, everything. I feel like I work for her."

 

"Naturally, the physical aspect of our relationship has tapered off considerably as well."

 

These two last points struck me as the biggest problems. She needs to contribute to the housework and I think you should bring that up with her.

 

As for the sex part, have you tried suggesting changing things up and doing new things? Have you tried talking to her about it?

[holdfasthope]

I just filled her christmas stocking with gum....

 

What's weird about the breath thing is....she has VERY good oral hygiene - brushes, flosses, everything. I don't get it. I can deal with sweatpants because you're right, she deserves to be comfortable in her own home. But the breath thing...I think THAT's the #1 reason why interest (physically) is dwindling

[lady00]

But the breath thing...I think THAT's the #1 reason why interest (physically) is dwindling

 

Hmm...you know, I think that even if she has great hygeine clearly something is going on with her body that causes the bad breath. Maybe an infection or something. I don't know.

 

I mean, the fact that she has good oral hygeine suggests that something is up maybe something medical...dunno. Would she be willing to have it checked out?

 

I used to have a breath problem due to a sinus infection...no matter how much I brushed or swished with mouth wash etc...my breath still wasn't fresh because of that.

[lady00]

I just filled her christmas stocking with gum....

 

LMAO. Sorry this gave me a bit of a chuckle. It's like "hint, hint!"

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If she does brush and floss and her breath is bad, she may have an infection or a metabolic problem or need to visit a dentist. She may not be aware of it, so you might want to tell her to get checked out.

 

But it really sounds like you want her to live everyday life as if she's on a date... dressed up, decked out, and minty fresh. If she's not doing basic hygiene i can understand your reticence, but at the same time, she needs to be comfortable in her own home.

 

Do you make plans to go out like you used to, i.e., an excuse for her to get dressed up on weekends? Perhaps you should try that.

 

But some women will put make up and dress up no matter what, so if you're really not happy with her this way, perhaps you need to look for a more 'high maintenance' woman who believes in constantly dressing up and meticulous grooming.

[waveseer]

I just filled her christmas stocking with gum....

 

What's weird about the breath thing is....she has VERY good oral hygiene - brushes, flosses, everything. I don't get it. I can deal with sweatpants because you're right, she deserves to be comfortable in her own home. But the breath thing...I think THAT's the #1 reason why interest (physically) is dwindling

 

She needs to brush her tongue too, very important. My ex used to be very fastidious about keeping his teeth clean but never cleaned his tongue, it was gross. No, it was really gross.

[JeckyllNHyde]

P.s. how do you know her oral hygene is good?

Maybe she isn't brushing properly? And like others said: the tongue is sooo important to brush. Most bad breath comes from there. Popping mints and gum can just make it worse (due to the sugar which later dries- or something like that).

 

Maybe introduce her to a new mouthwash flavor? Lol. Just bring it up casually how you "found a new one and wanted to try it out. Maybe she wants to also".

[Katiebaby]

Bad breath is also caused by eating a lot of junk food. If she has a reasonably healthy diet and has good oral hygeine then nI would be off to the docs. First tho - my ex has HORRENDOUS breath. Really - we went like 6 months without kissing - even during sex I was lookin the other way! You know what helped? A fresh new toothbrush. He had been using the same old toothbrush for MONTHS. I change mine every three or four weeks.

 

A good hint is to buy a 2 pack (I do this with my current man) you can get them at the store like a pink and a blue one. I use the "Aww look Jay, it's his and hers toothbrushes - I couldn't resist" Or "These were two for one - bargain!"

 

Another hint - Yoghurt nuetrilises bad breath (read it somewhere) apparently it contains active live cultures (good bacterea) that work wonders. Tried that with my ex too. Get some low fat yoghurts that you can have for desert after dinner - will help the bad breath and they're healthy - two birds - one stone

[holdfasthope]

Im figuring it has to be an infection or something metabolic...but I'm getting really discouraged. I know it probably sounds shallow but this has totally disrupted the relationship, and I'm actually having doubts. I'm not sure if I'm willing to commit (at 30 yrs old) to this kind of situation.

[ladylol1234]

These are superficial things to complain about. So what if she wears sweats. If her breath stinks, give her a tic-tac. Does she do anything else? School or work? If she gave up on herself, aren't u more worried that she could be depressed? What's going on with her?? Has there been a major change in her, besides moving in with you?