Should I break up with her?

[JohnGalt]

My girlfriend and I dated for 6 years. For one of those years we were engaged and for two years we lived together. She moved out 3 months ago, broke off the engagement and obviously broke up with me for a variety of reasons.

 

She's the apple of my eye and I adore her. I love her more than words can describe. She loved me so much I could see it everytime I looked in her eyes. Her actions indicated that she loved me. The way she touched me. She absolutely adored me.

 

But she started to feel like I was flaky and uncommitted and that I took her for granted. She got hurt and so she broke up with me.

 

But now that we're back together, its obvious she's not in love with me. She loves me and she loves hanging out with me. I mean, we spend basically all of our free time together, but she doesn't touch me the way she used to or look at me the same way.

 

She's doing things that she doesn't normally do. Like she would never cheat on me, but she's already told me that she might make out with a guy she has a crush on when she goes out of town in a few weeks. She is starting to ask other guys to go out with her to movies and such (as just friends, but this is something she's never done before). She says she's just becoming more indepedent.

 

She tells me she loves me, but the reason she's back with me is because she feels really secure in what we have. She knows I love her more than anything and that I'll support her. Her heart isn't really in it right now though.

 

We're relatively early in the reconciliation process and we were only broken up for 3 months. She made her decision to break up very rationally and was secure in it until I asked her back and told her I would work extremely hard to make us work.

 

So my question is, are these just normal feelings she's going through this early in the reconcilation process. I mean, she wants to be with me but maybe she just doesn't want to get hurt again? Maybe I just need to be patient and over time she'll come to put her heart and emotions back in with me...or should I just cut my losses and move on?

[Romi]

but she's already told me that she might make out with a guy she has a crush on when she goes out of town in a few weeks. She is starting to ask other guys to go out with her to movies and such (as just friends, but this is something she's never done before).

 

This is a BIG red flag you should consider... I know she said that she's becoming more independent but this has nothing to do with what she's doing...

I think you should talk to her about her feelings... If she's not serious about getting back together then it's not worth it and by her actions she's showing it to you.

Good luck and we are here if you need us

[Pegasus]

I've red your post and have a feeling that you wrote "she wants/needs/does" like one hundred times. I never saw that you are saying what YOU want. Think about it.

 

She's doing things that she doesn't normally do. Like she would never cheat on me, but she's already told me that she might make out with a guy she has a crush on when she goes out of town in a few weeks. She is starting to ask other guys to go out with her to movies and such (as just friends, but this is something she's never done before). She says she's just becoming more indepedent.

 

All girls I know are like monkeys in Tarzan movies - they need to grab new branch before releasing the current one - of course, relationship wise. I think she got bored while on breakup/misses company/misses sex/.... and she is coming back just to get all that until she finds someone new.

 

I would never tolerate that * * * * - the question is, why are you tolerating it?

[waveseer]

You are working on repairing the relationship, what's she working on?

[livefree]

Like she would never cheat on me, but she's already told me that she might make out with a guy she has a crush on when she goes out of town in a few weeks.

 

I personally consider this cheating enough to walk away. ESPECIALLY if it's premeditated. You're seeing a LOT of red flags here, don't let your love for her blind you from those. It's good that you do recognize that there's problem. You have 2 options, either talk to her, or end things. She needs to get her head straight and figure out what she wants before she can have a relationship with you. Sorrry things have gone so bad, after 6 years it must be hard

[DN]

She's doing things that she doesn't normally do. Like she would never cheat on me, but she's already told me that she might make out with a guy she has a crush on when she goes out of town in a few weeks. She is starting to ask other guys to go out with her to movies and such (as just friends, but this is something she's never done before). She says she's just becoming more indepedent.

 

or should I just cut my losses and move on?

Of course you should. I think you already know that and are just asking the question to make sure.

[Daligal83]

A relationship does not succeed with one person. It takes two. If something went wrong, you both need to work at it to make things better. It's unfair for you to take all of the blame and be the only one trying to fix things. Sure she felt that way when she ended it, but when did she communicate this to you to try to work it out before it got to that point?

 

If her heart isn't in it, you can be the most amazing boyfriend and it still won't make it better. I think you need to move on to someone who will really want to be with you.

[JohnGalt]

yeah i talked to her. She said that the only reason she said she'd make out with this guy is because I was talking about giving her a break on her trip so she could do whatever. She said she has no intention to cheat.

 

She also said she needs more time to get back to the way things used to be. She can't waive a magic wand and make all that hurt go away. She tells me to have no expectations, but she says that she's totally commited to me and wants us to work out.

 

She again says that she wants to have friends other than me and hang out. Just friends. That's great I think. We'll see. I'll play it by ear.

[DN]

Have no expectations but she is committed? That is an oxymoron and makes no sense unless she is trying to have it both ways.

 

And if she means friends who are guys - tell her to forget being with you. Why does she need all these friends to hang out with when she is trying to repair a relationship with you?

 

I strongly suspect she is using you for a place to stay and someone to share expenses while she feels free to look for someone else.

[Pegasus]

yeah i talked to her. She said that the only reason she said she'd make out with this guy is because I was talking about giving her a break on her trip so she could do whatever. She said she has no intention to cheat.

 

She also said she needs more time to get back to the way things used to be. She can't waive a magic wand and make all that hurt go away. She tells me to have no expectations, but she says that she's totally commited to me and wants us to work out.

 

She again says that she wants to have friends other than me and hang out. Just friends. That's great I think. We'll see. I'll play it by ear.

 

I bet it won't work. Been there before...end up burnt.

[Mindy1607307824]

She is obviously hurt and hasn't forgiven you. I would walk away and give her a reality check. Either she's back with you, or you're done. No around like this.

[Luke Skywalker]

I think her interest level is in a range of 40-50%, or below 51% as you assessed that her heart was not into it and is looking for other guys. Once the interest level goes below 49%, it doesn't go higher so if you are going strictly by the book there is nothing there as whatever episode dropped her interest level, seemed to have dropped it down beyond the point of no return.

[lady00]

Ahem, what?! She might make out with another guy?? That right there. Unacceptable. I mean several things you mentioned make me think this isn't going to work but that nonsense, essentially her threatening to cheat (that is what saying she might make out with another guy is) I don't even think I could forgive an SO saying something like that to me.

[JohnGalt]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I really really appreciate it.