What exactly do older men give you?

[BusyNAbroad]

Well, you know my story from the thread "She's 19, he's 45+, I'm 22" ...

 

But I want to take a break from that and attempt a thought experiment. I have spoken with others and many have told that age gap relationships, as valid as they are, have something different from other relationships. While I totally accept and respect the decisions of people who want to be in such a relationship, I am curious about how such emotions and experiences could be reproduced without an age-gap relationship.

 

1) What is it that younger women search in older men?

Another female friend of mine who is in such a relationship told me that they are more mature, have more experience, and - most importantly - are not jealous (especially if they are already married) when the younger women hang around with other male friends, etc.

A second thing she said is that younger women in such relationships were often very distant to their fathers as kids. As a matter of fact, even the girl I used to be interested in (and turned out to be in an affair with a married man 30 years older than her) grew up without her father and, by what her friends say, is "very mature compared to others in her age".

She told me that they look for a fatherly figure.

 

2) How can younger men give those same experiences to younger women with such needs?

We all agree that becoming mature is not a fast process, but I am sure there can be ways to go around and give the woman of your dreams exactly what she needs. How to be a fatherly figure?

 

If you are a young woman with an older man (or who used to be with an older man), how would you imagine an ideal guy of your same age?

[equinox]

I've always put it down to simple natural selection. Humans may be the dominant and the most intelligent species on earth but we are still just animals like wolves, tigers, horses etc. Thus, we still have all the natural instincts that we often would like to think below us.

 

In other species, females choose the strongest and healthiest male to mate with. They do this as that male will best be able to care for her and her offspring and will pass on the best genes.

 

In humans, the rules change a little. In modern society, strength, intelligence and even health don't get someone to the top. Money does. Thus, if a women choose an OLDER man with a full time job, a home and money then she gets security that a 21 year old guy still in college couldn't provide.

[COtuner]

This is a thread I'm interested in I've had 3 age gap relationships, one with a guy a lot younger than me, and two with guys a minimum of 12 years older than me. None really worked.

 

My theory was that the younger guy wanted me as the older woman with a job and flashy car who had a life and didn't just giggle and drink and shop. (I'm exaggerating because his previous GF was like that).

 

The two older guys were both divorced, and paid attention to me and understood what a relationship was about. They were in it with me for the long haul from the very beginning, just in case someday marriage was in the equation. They never went to bars and got drunk, and were happy just being with me whether we were out buying food to cook for dinner or just walking around people watching in the zoo or something.

 

All the young guys I knew it's about sex and booze, and the guys around my age are all in a baby craze and want kids (I don't). So I gravitate towards older guys who are more settled.

 

Nothing to do with money - I have out-earned every guy I've dated because I am more ambitious. That's the downside of the older guys - they are thinking about retirement now and get mad at me for climbing the ladder!!

[tylercdurden2004]

Being more mature is largely BS. What it is its security. Sometimes that entails things like being more mature. Generally though it means older guys have done something in life. Women are attracted to guys who know what they want and go get it. Compared to younger guys, older guys usually do.

 

Having said that it certainly doesnt mean an older guy has his poop together. Its just that he does compared to a younger guy. Some girls make the mistake of going for the short term over long term potential and get burned. Some girls dont.

 

Money also has a hand in security.

[COtuner]

Being more mature is largely BS. What it is its security. Sometimes that entails things like being more mature. Generally though it means older guys have done something in life. Women are attracted to guys who know what they want and go get it. Compared to younger guys, older guys usually do.

 

I'll agree with you on that, 100%. Regardless of how much money a guy earns, what station he has in life, older guys (30s and up) are more inclined to value time and money. If they want somethng they set goals and go after it. They think more long term on average. Or at least the ones I'm attracted to do. The guys at work who are content to just collect a paycheck and sit like a bump on a log all day until time to go home hold no appeal for me at all. A guy who is in there doing his best, solving problems, is more attractive, regardless of what job he is doing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Being more mature is largely BS. What it is its security. Sometimes that entails things like being more mature. Generally though it means older guys have done something in life. Women are attracted to guys who know what they want and go get it. Compared to younger guys, older guys usually do.

 

Having said that it certainly doesnt mean an older guy has his poop together. Its just that he does compared to a younger guy. Some girls make the mistake of going for the short term over long term potential and get burned. Some girls dont.

 

Money also has a hand in security.

 

I totally agree with this.

[itsallgrand]

I've not gravitated to older men myself ...

 

but I have seen women who do have this tendency easily go with a guy closer to her age if he fills that particular need that she is looking for. It's going to vary with individuals!

 

If you want to get to my own personal hack-analysis about it: I think it is these girls are looking for what they felt they missed with their papas. They haven't yet figured out how to provide that for themselves.

Note: this is a generalization and directly related to those women who EXCLUSIVELY date a particular niche of men to the exclusion of men who might be a great match for them (if only they'd pick up the slack themselves and fill their own needs, gain that particular insight, etc.).

 

What does a father typically (ideally) provide for a young girl - that gives you some clue. Boundaries. A sense of security. A sense of protection. Guidance.

 

Why you'd want to start contorting yourself to be with a woman who excludes you based on your being their age though, is beyond me? Doesn't seem worth it considering the risk involved of the relationship not paying out.

[laisla]

i wonder about this too. why do women want to date a "father figure"? i could never.

[Godless_Heathen]

I think that speculation by men, and by women who aren't attracted to older men, is less useful than first-hand responses.

[itsallgrand]

I think that speculation by men, and by women who aren't attracted to older men, is less useful than first-hand responses.

 

Not necessarily.

 

Those with first hand responses may not have the insight to give an honest answer.

 

Of course that is a speculation also. lol.

[COtuner]

Not necessarily.

 

Those with first hand responses may not have the insight to give an honest answer.

 

Of course that is a speculation also. lol.

 

Well, as part of my engineering degree program, I had to study cognitive psychology, and I've studied sports psychology when I was working on becoming a hockey coach way back when, so at least I have some insight into the workings of the human mind.

 

Psych doesn't always explain people's actions. Sometimes it's situation.

 

I think first hand responses give examples that could lead a psych major to do a trend analysis and come up with some possible correlations, which still may not lead to statistical causation

[itsallgrand]

Ha! Right - first hand responses can't hurt, and they were what was asked for anyways! lol.

 

Quieting down now to allow some feeling of welcoming to these young women to remain.

 

Dude wants to know what you say!

[renaissancewoman101]

i wonder about this too. why do women want to date a "father figure"? i could never.

 

I've dated a few older guys in my time, and a lot of times, it was because he felt comfortable to me, less inclined to play games, and more honest. And I thought that the older guy would stay with me and "protect" me emotionally and maybe physically. I was never into an older guy because of money, maybe more emotion and a sense of "security", something I've never really had in my life, esp the emotional kind.

 

Most times I date guys my age, but I generally prefer to date someone older.

[COtuner]

2) How can younger men give those same experiences to younger women with such needs?

We all agree that becoming mature is not a fast process, but I am sure there can be ways to go around and give the woman of your dreams exactly what she needs. How to be a fatherly figure

 

As to this.... I have no desire for a fatherly figure. In fact, I broke up with an older guy when he started treating me in that way. It infuriated me.

 

To me, I don't choose to date older guys. I am primarily attracted to men my own age or a few years younger. But since most of them are already married, in relationships, or want children, my opportunities are best had among the older divorced population. So my decisions are based on common goals and interests. I would love to find an attractive guy in his 30s (like me), who likes a lot of the things I do, is serious about his career, and doesn't want kids. Please send photos and self description to.... LOL JK

[BusyNAbroad]

Why you'd want to start contorting yourself to be with a woman who excludes you based on your being their age though, is beyond me? Doesn't seem worth it considering the risk involved of the relationship not paying out.

 

In part because I'm a masochist , in part because I like to experiment, and I very personally don't believe in the existence of a fixed "personality" (ehm... complex philosophical conclusions reached after reading a lot about identity psychology and neuroscience) - though I would be ready to feign integrity if that's what is needed. By contorting myself I am simply being myself - it's part of my nature to shapeshift.

 

On the other hand, in this specific case I believe there is a bit more to it: I think it is self-discovery. Under normal conditions (= when I am not desparately in love and act crazy when I don't know what to do) I am regarded by friends and family as a "guru", and since I was a kid, adults used to descibe me as very mature. During my teenage years I related mostly with people who were either much older than me or much younger than me.

When I first met the girl 4 years ago I was not in love and very self-assured. In some of her first text messages to me, she told me that I was very different from others. I somehow think that was what made me attractive to her in first place.

However, despite my guru-like self-assuredness and vibes of wisdom, my actual experiences in romance are almost zero. I can easily become the life of the party or the center of attention, get myself surrounded by women, but for some reason, even if I know how to, I was never overly interested in being in a relationship with one woman. To be 100% honest, I never had a real "relationship".

 

So, it could be that I am very mature (or give the impression that I am mature), but not in matters of love, or "love" in the conventional sense with all its rules etc.

 

Deep inside I feel that by falling too much in love with this girl, I somehow lost what she found most attractive about me.

(also note that when we first met, I was 18 and she was 14... quite an age gap for that period!)

[COtuner]

Busy, I can sort of relate. I moved all the time as a child, and I mean constantly. As a result, my parents and their business and social acquaintances were those that I saw most frequently. My school peers picked on me because I was always the new kid and had lived in all these different places. So I had a strange dichotomy of being intellectually far more mature than others my age, but emotionally far younger.

 

This continues to this day. It affects me in all areas of my life, not just relationships. Older guys are attracted to me because I am intelligent but maintain a "child like sense of fun". Ok... younger guys think I'm "hot" but "too career driven, too serious". So there I sit, on the fence.

[itsallgrand]

Self discovery - that makes sense.

 

This girl (woman?) has stirred something in you to life and is giving you an opportunity to explore it.

 

The opportunity to be a fool ! lol. Hey, the appearance of being mature is one thing.

 

I'm no guru even though I like to pretend i am sometimes. But I do know that looking mature and actually being mature - especially emotionally! - are so two completely differently things.

 

Most of my growing up emotionally has been messy, foolish to look at (when people were most inclined to call me immature), and involved taking some risks.

 

I know I didn't like that as growing up - me too - I was often termed "mature for my age" and all that because I grew up taking care of grown up business and trying to keep it all together. But inside I was just a super conservative risk taker when it came to emotions, and that def showed in my first serious relationship!! All hell broke loose for that poor man.

 

You'll figure it out. Good luck. Don't worry. And thanks for the info.

[BusyNAbroad]

To be honest right now I'm taking it with humor

I really invested a lot on that woman, that indeed I became a fool.

(my disciples are looking for other "gurus" now)

 

But who knows Maybe this experience will be useful someday in future.

[COtuner]

All experiences are somehow useful in the future - it sometimes is hard to figure out how, but always true.

[My Advice]

Older guys often more than money. I am broke as hell and a lot of much younger girls seem to like me.

 

 

I am smarter, more confident, and better at relationships, stronger, and just all around more knowledgeable than I was at 20.

[killerkitten]

i have always dated guys 4 - 10 years older than me

i think im more attracted to them because they would be more likely to be into the same sort of things i want out of a relationship (marriage kids etc)

and maybe would be in a better financial position to do this sort of thing than guys of my age

[lost1607307474]

I personally don't consciously go for men who are older than me. I have never dated a man who is more than 2 years older than me in fact. And there is no way I would go out with an older man just because he has money and is successful/ stable.

 

I chose to be with people who I get along with, who I have lots in common with, who love me and I love them back, who share the same life ambitions as me, and who just fit. I don't think about their age at all. In fact, my current SO is just less than a year younger than me

[My Advice]

I personally don't consciously go for men who are older than me. I have never dated a man who is more than 2 years older than me in fact. And there is no way I would go out with an older man just because he has money and is successful/ stable.

 

I chose to be with people who I get along with, who I have lots in common with, who love me and I love them back, who share the same life ambitions as me, and who just fit. I don't think about their age at all. In fact, my current SO is just less than a year younger than me

 

good advice. You bring up a valid point that it is important to remember it isn't for everybody with anybody. And with some people the age difference is more noticeable than with others on both parties.

[BusyNAbroad]

Yeah, well, I assumed since the beginning that this is a very case-by-case matter, and indeed each love story is different from the other.

 

But still, I'm trying to find what these kind of relationships have in common

[My Advice]

Yeah, well, I assumed since the beginning that this is a very case-by-case matter, and indeed each love story is different from the other.

 

But still, I'm trying to find what these kind of relationships have in common

 

Most of the stuff that a younger relationship can have in common and sometimes more so.