Just found out I'm pregnant again

[2soon4this]

Cant sleep... I have been dating my boyfriend for only 5 months and last nght we took a pregancy test because my period was late and the test came back positive. We both talked about marriage and that we wanted kids but not like this and def. Not this soon. I think he is capable of being a great father and a great husband but now we both are scared this baby could poison this relationship. I don't believe in abortion and he knows this he wants to be there for me but we are both worried about the long run. I already have a 3 year old little girl who keeps asking me for a sister. My boyfriend treats her like a princess. I don't know what to do! We are both scared of what will happen with our relationship and the shame that will come down on us from family coworkers and friends. Any advice? Be gentle!

[rosephase]

Well, you don't believe in abortion. It sounds like your option is clear. Hard as it might be. Have another kid and try your best. You can't predict the future all you can do is try. What does he think about all of this? Is he ready to be a dad in 9 months?

[jengh]

Ohh, tough situation. If you don't feel you're ready for another baby, there's always adoption. It's a very respectable decision and, while not right for everyone, it's best in some situations. However, if this is also not an option, just give it your all and do the best you can.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If you've already decided to keep the baby then worrying about the relationship won't do any good... it is better to focus on preparations for the baby (financially and emotionally) and don't rush into marriage just becuase you are pregnant.

 

Even if you ultimately decide you aren't meant to be permanent partners, you can work out a good parenting relationship with him if he's a decent person.

 

And don't worry about the 'shame' part. In the U.S., more babies are now born out of wedlock than in wedlock, so it is the norm and not the exception. Only marry if you're sure you want him as a permanent partner, because marriage puts more pressure and really complicates things and is expensive to divorce.

[2soon4this]

As hard as this is for me it is even harder for my boyfriend. His family feels strongly against having a child out of wedlock especially is mother he was so scared of telling her because he felt that she would never talk to him again or that her cancer might come back because he came so close to losing her before. He feels like if anything happens and he lose her it would be his fault. He told her this morning and she didn't even say anything she just hanged tus phone up on him and is not taking any of his calls they are very close. I feel so bad I don't want to be the cause of this. I don't want to have An abortion but I don't want him to resent me for keeping this baby. I feel if I do I know for sure i will resent him.

[Mythical_Suicide]

There is always adoption. If his mother would turn her back on him over a baby they are not as close as they think.

 

 

I agree with Victoria.

 

Would you rather him resent you for having a child or you resent yourself for having an abortion against your own judgments? Why don't you consider adoption if abortion and having a kid isn't the "right" things to do for you.

[ErikT]

I guess I am missing the point here.

 

You are pregnant; And

You don't believe in abortion. thereforee;

You are going to deliver a baby.

 

To even suggest having an abortion (which you don't believe in) to avoid your BOYFRIEND (not husband, but BOYFRIEND) resenting you is utterly absurd. Sorry to be so harsh, but come on...

 

First, as someone said earlier, more babies are born out of wedlock than to married couples. Personally, I think you and your boyfriend should go tomorrow morning at get married. It might not be the best marriage, but that unborn child will need a father (and as a bonus, your daughter will gain a live-in father in the process.) Plus, then your boyfriend will be able to have contact with his family.

 

As an aside, I really don't think it was appropriate to have introduced your 3-year old to your boyfriend after only 5 months. What happens if the two of you break up? That not only affects you and your love life, but it will also have an affect on your child. She will grow up learning not to get to attached to men because eventually they leave and she never sees them again.

 

My second piece of advice to you will be applicable if you do not marry (and stay married to the father of your second child): When you are a single parent, your children’s best interests should take complete priority over everything else in you life including dating, your job, your friends, your sex life...everything. When your child are 18 and moved out of the house, then you can put yourself first. Until then, sorry, but your life revolves 100% around the kids.

 

Again, sorry if I seem a little harsh, but when it comes to children (born and unborn) I have a hard time sugarcoating things.

 

Erik

[redhearts]

You don't get married because your pregnant. You think this child will posion the relationship? So the relationship staying in tact is something your fearful of and you think the baby is only going to cause problems? That baby is not going to come into a loving home. They say bad parents are usually the ones who don't want kids and just have them then, keep them because they don't abort or want to adopt them out.

 

Erik I respectfully disagree. Children are best brought up with a single parent then two parents in negativity over getting married ONLY because of the kid. A child is best in a home with either two parents who love each other or a single parent(s). Not in a home where two people got married just because of the baby being born. That is just ridiculous. To be in a home where the parents will end up fighting or resentful because of the situation.

 

You get married when your in love and you feel this is the person you want to spend your life with. You don't do it out of convience. The people who do contribute to the 50% divorce rate.

 

Sounds like the OP doesn't even want the baby she is more concerned about it affecting her relationship and ruining it.

[ErikT]

 

Erik I respectfully disagree. Children are best brought up with a single parent then two parents in negativity over getting married ONLY because of the kid. A child is best in a home with either two parents who love each other or a single parent(s). Not in a home where two people got married just because of the baby being born. That is just ridiculous. To be in a home where the parents will end up fighting or resentful because of the situation.

 

You get married when your in love and you feel this is the person you want to spend your life with. You don't do it out of convience. The people who do contribute to the 50% divorce rate.

 

Sounds like the OP doesn't even want the baby she is more concerned about it affecting her relationship and ruining it.

 

This is definitely not a cut and dry situation - it seldom is. I am not suggesting getting married out of convience, but rather out of responsability. With this comes the responsability to stay married, and to not show or allow the child to see or feel any of the parents' potential negativity or resentment.

 

Isn't it better for a child to come from a two parent home than a single parent home? If we take away any chance of abuse (for this is a justified reason to kick the spouse to the curb and raise the child alone) isn't it better a child grow up learning valuable life-long lessons like accepting responsability, managing differences, conflict resolution, sticking with something you started, etc?

 

Too often, society has decided that it is easier to take the easy way out at the expense of our children. A teenager gets pregnant and we think it is better to raise a child with one parent then expect both parents to make sacrafices (financially, socially, emotionally) and raise the child in a married home. A couple with children decide to get a divorce because, "they just don't love each other anymore." Too bad! For the sake of the children, they need to stay together, overcome their differences, and continue to raise the children. After they turn 18 and move out, then the parents can get a divorce...

 

Yes, we will probably have to agree to disagree.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Your entire view on this is completely messed up IMO.

If someone gets married just because they got pregnant whether you want to believe it or not there will be so much resentment towards each other and towards the child. The Child does not deserve that at all. A child is much better off being raised by a single parent than being brought in a home where the parents are constantly bickering because they got married just because of the pregnancy.

 

If I made this "sacrifice" with my childs father i'd be living miserably, why should I live like that just because a few people think it's "better"? Wouldn't you think it'd be so much better that i'm living the way i'm living now, completely happy with my life and raising my son on my own rather than sad all the time, crying myself to sleep at night and wondering why I am stuck with such a monster?

 

I take it you have never been in a situation like this, otherwise your views would probably be extremely different.

But I refuse to sit back and "Agree to disagree" with your statement that a parent needs to sacrifice themselves socially and emotionally just because they have a child. A parent gives up in their life enough as it is, Why you believe one should be sad, depressed and miserable just because you think its the "right" thing is beyond me.

 

 

Oh, and btw, being a single parent isn't easier than being married with a child believe ME! Be a single parent for one day and then you will change your mind about that. Don't sit here and throw out all of these things that you have absolutely no experience with whatsoever and say what the "Right" things are to do because face it, Every situation is different.

[ErikT]

Finally, what I believe is to be right is based on experience and 39 years of living through just as much crap as anyone else here. I lived with parents that fought every moment of every day. As much as they tried to hide it, my brother, sister, and I saw it. We saw the times that our mother was sad and miserable. But at the end of the day, I knew that both of my parents were there for me and I learned how to deal with conflict, resentment, and the pain of an unhappy marriage. But I also learned the importance of keeping vows, sticking through good times and bad, and how even with conflict, you can still end the day in love with someone. This is just one example.

 

 

Don't tell me that I don't have the experience to back up my beliefs.

 

Erik

[Mythical_Suicide]

Finally, what I believe is to be right is based on experience and 39 years of living through just as much crap as anyone else here. I lived with parents that fought every moment of every day. As much as they tried to hide it, my brother, sister, and I saw it. We saw the times that our mother was sad and miserable. But at the end of the day, I knew that both of my parents were there for me and I learned how to deal with conflict, resentment, and the pain of an unhappy marriage. But I also learned the importance of keeping vows, sticking through good times and bad, and how even with conflict, you can still end the day in love with someone. This is just one example.

 

 

Don't tell me that I don't have the experience to back up my beliefs.

 

Erik

 

 

Well i'm glad you overcame it, because I sure as hell haven't my parents fought EVERYDAY and I still resent them for it.

 

I refuse to make myself unhappy just because someone thinks I should have married my sons father. I'd rather be happy and raise my son on my own than be unhappy and try raising him and doing a crappy job because i'm so miserable.

 

BTW, how can you say you have lived through just as much crap as anyone else? You don't know everyone's personal stories and upbringings or people who have dealt with it first hand (Those with kids and are married..) it's alot different actually being in the situation yourself rather than just living through it with your parents.

[midnightrambler]

this is what i would do

[ErikT]

Well i'm glad you overcame it, because I sure as hell haven't my parents fought EVERYDAY and I still resent them for it.

 

I refuse to make myself unhappy just because someone thinks I should have married my sons father. I'd rather be happy and raise my son on my own than be unhappy and try raising him and doing a crappy job because i'm so miserable.

 

BTW, how can you say you have lived through just as much crap as anyone else? You don't know everyone's personal stories and upbringings or people who have dealt with it first hand (Those with kids and are married..) it's alot different actually being in the situation yourself rather than just living through it with your parents.

 

You are correct. I don't know everyone's stories and personal struggles but I know I have been through mine ("and of couse, mine were the worst possible" he says sarcastically). Point being, we have differnet opinions. Does that make yours right and mine wrong? No, in our individual minds we both believe that we are right and will live our lives accordingly

 

I'm not saying you should be unhappy for your decision. If you believe that you made the right choice, then it's the right choice. I am not judging you, your situation, or your decisions. SO long as you always do what you think or know is best for your child, you are a good parent. If you ever start putting your wants or desires before the needs of your child, then you are a bad parent.

 

As an aside, let go of the resentment. I don't know how old you are or when you left your parents, but let it go. AGain, I don't know the particulars, and maybe I am just being to optimistic or niave, but I would like to believe that they raised you the best they knew how. SO they faught. Did that cause you to be a major screw-up in life? From reading your posts/replies, you are a very intelligent, loving mother. SO why hold on to the resentment?

 

Erik

[Hope75]

This thread has kind of veered off, but I wanted to bring up a point I thought was important.

 

Erik, don't you think two parents can be involved and be there for the child and they don't necessarily have to live together to do that, or be married?

 

To be honest, what you describe of your parents and your childhood sounds very sad, and 'learning to adapt' to two fighting parents isn't healthy for a child, or the parents.

 

Sometimes parents can be more effective if they are not together, but that doesn't mean they aren't there for their children simply because they aren't married or even together.

[ErikT]

Erik, don't you think two parents can be involved and be there for the child and they don't necessarily have to live together to do that, or be married?

 

To be honest, what you describe of your parents and your childhood sounds very sad, and 'learning to adapt' to two fighting parents isn't healthy for a child, or the parents.

 

Sometimes parents can be more effective if they are not together, but that doesn't mean they aren't there for their children simply because they aren't married or even together.

 

I have the highest regard for single parents, as well as children raised by single parents. I'm not saying that because they come from a single parent family, or are co-parented by divorced parents, that they are bad in any way. However....(And I'm not saying this applies to anyone here, because obviously I don't know everyone’s particulars!)

 

What does a young daughter learn about being a women from a mother who goes out with multiple boyfriends over the course of her growing up? Will she be able to stay in a long term stable relationship when she grows up? Or will she think that it is normal to have a boyfriend for a couple of weeks/months/years?

 

What does a young boy learn about being a man when he only sees his father every other weekend, and his other experiences with men only last a couple of weeks/months/years?

 

Remember, parents are role models. Our actions DIRECTLY affect and alter the development of our children. Is it not better that they see two parents everyday in the same household? Is seeing parents fight/work things out/compromise/etc better than only seeing 1 (or both) parents part time?

 

These are just some of the examples I can quickly come up with as to why it is a MORE positive experience growing up in a traditional family structure.

 

Obviously, there can be some positives drawn to being raised in a single parent household: Independence and hard work are the first two that come to mind.

 

Gotta run...will finish thoughts later....

 

Erik

[Lights]

 

Personally, I think you and your boyfriend should go tomorrow morning at get married.

 

Erik

 

I respect your opinion, but I STRONGLY disagree with this advice. It's okay to have a child with someone and not marry them right away. It'd be more traumatic to your kid(s) if you married him for this and then split up and he wasn't around anymore. To me, that'd be way more traumatic than having you be "life partners" but not married!

[Hope75]

Those are some pretty big assumptions about the single parent lifestyle. What if the mother (or father) raising the child isn't dating, or is in a stable relationship with another partner?

 

And in the same vein of what you mentioned about single parenting and that lifestyle, what does a child learn from her parents who stay together and fight constantly, tear up the family unit, show resentment and anger towards each other, don't communicate, ignore each other, turn or use the children against the other parent, are inconsistent with the children and each other, don't show love and affection towards each other?

 

Personally I wouldn't want to grow up in that kind of environment. I plan to be in my marriage for life, but I also realize that there are no guarantees, and sometimes parents really do need to be apart to be more effective parents and to be able to get along enough to parent properly.

[2soon4this]

yesterday morning I had horrible chest pain that made it hard for me to breathe and ended up in the E.R. I did not know what was going on but without any answers from the doctors I have reason to believe it was a panic attack. While there I was made to take. An ultrasound an was confirmed my hpt is correct and I am 5 wks pregnant I have been so stressed thinking about it and having finals and work no wonder. My boyfriend of only 5 months ( I seem to stress the time, because I am so dissappointed in myself) left work to stay at my side. I was forced to think about the pregnancy when I tried to not think about it until after I took my finals in a few days. I still have not decided what I'm gonna do. Do I have an abortion that I don't believe in and hope that we stay together because I don't think I will forgive myself for doing that or want my boyfriend after. My boyfriend wants me to tell him that I won't hate him after doing it and i will stay with him but I can't lie to him I'm gonna hate myself and I'm so sure I will him too.

 

Or do I have this baby and hope that his family will come around? (that seems more likely to happen but he might resent me for his family I may take years. I know he wood be a great father no made what but our relationship( I don't know about) if. Decide on having my baby I will love my baby enough for two whether he is there or not. I am not thinking About my relationship more than my baby! But my boyfriend is such a good guy I would hate to lose him..

[2soon4this]

yesterday morning I had horrible chest pain that made it hard for me to breathe and ended up in the E.R. I did not know what was going on but without any answers from the doctors I have reason to believe it was a panic attack. While there I was made to take. An ultrasound an was confirmed my hpt is correct and I am 5 wks pregnant I have been so stressed thinking about it and having finals and work no wonder. My boyfriend of only 5 months ( I seem to stress the time, because I am so dissappointed in myself) left work to stay at my side. I was forced to think about the pregnancy when I tried to not think about it until after I took my finals in a few days. I still have not decided what I'm gonna do. Do I have an abortion that I don't believe in and hope that we stay together because I don't think I will forgive myself for ding that or want my boyfriend after. My boyfriend wants me I tell him that I won't hate him after doing it but I can't lie to him I'm gonna hate myself and m so sure I will him to.

 

Or do I have this baby and hope that his family will come around? (that seems more likely to happen but he might resent me for his family I may take years. I know he wood be a great father no made what but our relationship( I don't know about) if. Decide on having my baby I will love my baby enough for two whether he is there or not. I am not thinking About my relationship more than my baby! But my boyfriend is such a good guy I would hate to lose him..

[ErikT]

Well, everyone knows my stance on marriage, single parenting vs. co-parenting vs. married parenting and in some ways I think I may be adjusting that view somewhat (thanks to everyone here) but that is for a separate post.

 

However, almost any situation you choose is better than choosing abortion. In your own words you asked, "Do I have an abortion that I don't believe in and hope that we stay together because I don't think I will forgive myself for ding that or want my boyfriend after." With this route, you end up with no baby, no boyfriend, and a action you (may) end up regreting for the rest of your life.

 

ASk youself this: If your boyfriend is such a good guy, than why would he even talk you getting an abortion if he knows you don't believe in it?

 

Also, there is always the option of adoption and that is definietly worth looking into.

 

But for now, worry about finals and finishing out the semester. WHen school is out, then make you decision.

[Lights]

ErikT is right.

 

Adoption is a beautiful and generous thing to do.

 

If you are not ready for a baby right now, there are hundreds of thousands of people who want a healthy newborn baby. Often times, they will pay your medical expenses as well as any other expenses you might encounter during your pregnancy.

 

However, if you feel you CAN take care of this baby, and DO want to keep it...then keep it. Case closed. Don't let your boyfriend sway your opinion on that, because it's not his right to choose for you. If he would resent you for having the baby that HE helped make, then he is a coward. A childish coward who cannot take responsibility for something he had just as much to do with as you.

[CleanSlate]

As an aside, I really don't think it was appropriate to have introduced your 3-year old to your boyfriend after only 5 months. What happens if the two of you break up? That not only affects you and your love life, but it will also have an affect on your child. She will grow up learning not to get to attached to men because eventually they leave and she never sees them again.

 

 

Well, IF I was dating a guy, I surely wouldn't want to ONLY see the guy every other weekend just because that's when their dad has my kids. I want to enjoy my personal life. Yeah, it sucks for the kids. But guess what...

[CleanSlate]

For the sake of the children, they need to stay together, overcome their differences, and continue to raise the children. After they turn 18 and move out, then the parents can get a divorce...

 

 

Like someone said... every situation is different. I chose to have two children with my only husband. He had affairs behind my back. I would never stick around knowing this. ..Don't want to worry about getting STDs.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Honey, abortion is not something you should do to make someone else happy.

 

An abortion won't fix his family problems. Those problems are separate, completely separate from this pregnancy. Will his mother automatically thaw out just because there is no longer a pregnancy? Will she change because of your decision? Not likely.

 

If your purpose in having an abortion is to keep the boyfriend or fix his feelings, then don't. You already know that an abortion will break the relationship. And you cannot fix his feelings. You have no control over your boyfriend or his feelings.

 

You can only control you. If you cannot accept abortion as a solution, then you should follow your heart. There is adoption and there is nothing wrong with that choice either.

 

You don't have to decide right now. Take it easy and let the answer come to you. Just remember that whatever you decide, it has to be what is right for you, and not a decision made in order to exert control or sway over anyone or anything else, see what I mean?