The pain is just too much

[mistydawn]

This is my first post, and I was so distraught I googled "what do you do when your soulmate dies before you." I found this website, and I read so many of your stories, and I heard myself in your stories. I lost my husband August 9th of this year. Today would have been our 11th year anniversary. I had to go through Thanksgiving, his birthday, now our anniversary, and soon it will Christmas. I don't know how much more I can handle. We have two beautiful kids--a daughter who is 10 and a son who is 4. They have had such a difficult time with his death, and I have been trying to stay strong for them. I cry at night in my bedroom. It is so hard to be in that room without him. It is so hard to walk into this house and know that he won't be here waiting for me. He was the love of my life, and I miss him so much. I feel like I just go through the motions and I just put on this happy face for everyone else, but I am dying inside. I know that I need to get this emotion out, but I never realized just how painful it really would be. I have been put on medication to help, but the truth is...I just want to let go and be with him. I don't mean that I really would. I love my kids way too much to ever do that to them. But, I miss Jeremy so much, and I just don't want to live my life without him. I have this huge empty hole in my heart and my soul and my life without him. I just keep going and going and going, and I don't give myself time to think about him or us because when I do, I feel like my heart and soul are just cracking and these huge crevasses start tearing me apart. I am so lost without him. I was the one who took care of everything, but I just feel so lost now that he is gone.

 

This is a day that I want to share with him. I keep waiting for him to give me a sign to let me know he is okay. I haven't heard or seen anything yet, and I don't know...We had this bond that would never end. We could finish each other's thoughts and sentences. We knew when something wasn't right with the other. We didn't even have to speak. We just knew what each other needed.

 

Tomorrow our daughter is being baptized at church. It is going to be another rough day because he isn't here. I keep bringing up the good times and the funny times with the kids so that they won't forget and just to give them a smiling glimpse back at their dad. But, for me, I laugh when I tell them, but inside I am breaking apart. I wait until they are in bed, and I let it go. I cry until I can't cry anymore. Some days I am ok, but most I am not.

 

I am supposed to graduate from college in May. I don't know how I am going to get through that either without him. I am just taking it minute by minute right now because hour by hour is too much.

 

I am sorry for rambling. I just really miss him, and I am having a really difficult time today.

Thank you for sharing all your stories because it really made me feel like I am not alone. I have felt so alone for these last 4 months (5 including the coma), and it is nice to see that someone else really truly knows what I feel. Thank you all.

 

 

 

[DN]

Hi and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

i am so sorry that you are going through this. But, as Winston Churchill once said: if you are going through hell - keep going. And that is what you have to try and do - not only for your children's sake but for your own too. Because by living your life as best you can and becoming as happy as you can once more you are doing right by your children and honouring Jeremy in the best way possible.

 

You are not alone now.

[raining.stars]

Oh Mistydawn, I want to give you a big hug. Life can be horribly cruel sometimes and you are so brave fighting this battle and being therefore your children. They are so lucky to have you. It sounds like you and your soulmate had an amazing love one that transends this life alone. I know how lonely this journey is, but that is all you can do take it minute by minute, then slowly day by day. It is good that you are posting here because all those feelings have got to come out. Nothing will make the pain better, but in time you will learn to deal with it better. And even though you do feel so alone, your soulmate is always watching over you and your children. We are here for you if you need us to listen. hugs and love

[tiredofvampires]

Hi, misty...

 

I'm so very sorry to know you're going through this. This is the beginning of a very hard journey, from feeling broken apart, cleaved through the middle, to trying to find a sense of wholeness again at some point that you can't see now. Know this, that it has to get worse before it gets better, and after the initial shock and disbelief, there come the worst pains -- the facing of life day in and day out without your special one. The having to re-realize that each day is a wrenching pain all those who have experienced such a loss, in this forum, know agonizingly well.

 

I think it's very important though that you allow yourself to cry in front of your children. You have to share the laughter and the tears with them. I know you are afraid of feeling weak in front of them, but it's good for them to see that in life, when something terrible happens, it's only human to feel weak in the face of it. This doesn't mean you don't continue to provide everything for them and be their rock of support for their own grief and tears, this doesn't mean that you don't continue to bring them those good memories and do the things their father would be proud to see them do; but I wouldn't hide all of the tears from them, behind closed doors. You can save some for your private solace, but the stress and strain of having to bite the bullet not to cry or break down in front of them is only going to make this feel more unbearable and bottled up.

 

My mother hid when she had to cry about something, and as a result, I felt less close to her and less able to see her as an emotional being who could relate to my own tears.

 

Keep posting here, there are many beautiful souls here who understand, and it will help to get things out. Bottling up grief is a pressure cooker situation waiting to happen, so keep your feelings true and real.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[mistydawn]

Thank you all so much! You all have such a great way with words, and I really appreciate you being here. It does feel good to hear from someone else that he is still here with me, watching over me and the kids. It makes me cry because deep down I know that he is here. I can feel him when he is around us, but it sucks because I can't see him and I can't feel him. I can't hold him and kiss him.

 

The kids do see my cry, but not the deep hard gut-wrenching cries. I do cry with them. We usually have a night or two during the week when it gets to all of us, and we just sit down in my big chair, and we hold each other and cry on each other's shoulders...until my 4 yr old tells us that he farted. That kind of ruins the crying, but it is almost like a sign. Jeremy used to do that when I was upset. He would get upset along with me, comfort me, and then he would make some wisecrack that would make me laugh hysterically. I read a post on here where one of you said that a part of him lives on in our children, and I see that so much in both of them. Every time I look at Dakota, I see Jeremy's big blue eyes, and every time I look at Gavin, I see a mini-Jeremy.

 

I just want to thank you all so much for writing me back. I tend to ramble sometimes, but I would love to be a part of this forum. I like to write stuff out, and I would love to put it out here. I like the feedback. It helps so much to know that I am not alone. You guys are so awesome! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I feel like God and Jeremy led me to this place, and I think they knew this is exactly what I need. My support around me has backed away, and no one wants to talk about it. I don't want to upset anyone either, so I keep it all in. Thanks for letting me share!

[raining.stars]

^^ lol that made me laugh how your son farted! Jeremy sounded like a great guy cause we all need a laugh especially when we feel in despair. He will always live in you and your children's hearts, not only with physical characteristics but also with little signs like the farting! lol.

I know how frustrating it is when you can't physically see or touch or hear your loved one, it is like you have to learn to live a life where you can still feel them spiritually but not physically. You will always miss that. But I am so glad you can feel his presense, and I know he wouldn't want to be anywhere else but by your side!

People die, but the relationship continues on, it continues with the memories, the love they left behind, the love you have for them and the way you live your life.

 

Ramble away, I do it all the time! Glad you have found this forum! hugs.

[thejigsup]

You will always have a relationship with him, it's just altered a little. Okay, a lot. But he is still your man and the father of your kids and nothing will or can change that. Hang in there! We're all pulling for you.

[mistydawn]

Aww what you said really touched my heart. Thank you for those sweet words. What you said makes me feel a little better. I know I will succumb to the depression again later on, but for right now, you really made me feel better. Thank you! ((((((hugs))))) It means more than you will ever know!

Anytime Gavin does anything crazy, I will be glad to share it with you. He is definitely good for laughs. He likes to make people smile and laugh.

[raining.stars]

^ Your Welcome. I would love to hear what else he does lol! Gavin sounds like a sweetie!

Keep posting here whenever you feel down we are all supportive and like to listen.

[Eggs]

My heart goes out to you.

 

I have suffered a devastating loss and have survived it. It was a different loss compared to yours, but it was the biggest loss of my life.

 

All I can say is that you must take care of yourself. What got me through was:

 

**Crying all the time, at my knees, giving into the pain, going through boxes and boxes of tissues at a time. It is your body's natural way of healing.

 

**Reading the very, very useful, practical, simple book, "How to Get over the Loss of a Love" ... it's for all kinds of losses, not to forget, but to give you hope and a path out of the grief.

 

**Calling people on my list to talk. I even called crisis hotlines. Call anyone that is a friend - they will be there for you and understand.

 

**Exercising. Gave me a purpose (helps you get in touch with your own body, especially when you crave/miss your partner).

 

 

I created a list of as many things that I could "do" to move me to the next step. I gave into the crying whenever I needed to (I had 2 very young children, 5 and 1... went into my bedroom and cried all times of day). Once you go through that pain of crying ALL the way out, your body feels better.

 

HUGS to YOU!!! Take care.

[tiredofvampires]

I tend to ramble sometimes,

 

Oh, let me tell you...stick around here, and you will soon see that nothing you've said here even remotely approaches what some people do that could rightly be called "rambling."

 

 

 

 

 

And yes, there is a special magic about writing. There are things you can express through the written word that just can't be conveyed in speech, and there is a cleansing quality to it -- it's like seeing your tears in black and white, and what doesn't feel clear becomes clear in the writing, even if it's a blur at first when you're groping to find the words for something that really defies words.

 

There are also journal forums here, if you want. I've considered starting one myself...I used to journal a lot, from a very early age and it's been dormant for some years...but then I began to find other outlets for writing, and I think the internet is a marvelous tool in this way, because it connects people with like experiences that would never otherwise meet...your circle of support has just expanded vastly. When I began interacting with other people several years ago, sharing stories, I no longer felt isolated in the feelings that were once only mine (so it felt.)

 

I can tell you're going to be a great addition here.

 

And yes, that did bring me a real smile about your son and his flatulent moment. I can just picture that happening.... Hee hee. Count on kids to bring everything down to earth in a half blink.

 

Moments like that are precious. And a continuous link with Jeremy. He continues through all the moments your heart embraces him.

[Dagless]

I just want to let go and be with him. I don't mean that I really would. I love my kids way too much to ever do that to them.

 

When you lose the person you love your soul just wants to be with them, I know that in my case this left me feeling trapped in my own flesh. You almost feel like a prisoner in this physical world.

 

I read this and found a lot of it to be true, it may help you understand what you are going through: link removed

 

It is normal to put the happy mask on for the outside world to see but as long as you give yourself that time alone to cry and let it out then that is good. Remember that things like anniversaries, birthdays and Christmases are just other days to get through. It's okay to feel bad around these dates, just don't feel bad about feeling bad if you know what I mean.

 

((Hugs))

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am so sorry! I have grieved several losses in my life, and it really is true that the first year of mourning is the hardest, because you have to go thru all those firsts, first birthday alone, first anniversary etc. They are terrible milestones, but once you have passed they will not have the ability to wound so deeply.

 

You do sleepwalk thru life for a long time after a huge loss, but you will eventually start to rejoin the world emotionally. You will start to discover little things, like how good the sun feels on your face, or have little moments of joy and periods of time when it doesn't occupy your thoughts constantly.

 

Time is the best healer, and you have to focus on your kids and recognize that some things are such difficult blows that you take a long time to heal, and this kind of death is one of them. Just hang in there, try to keep your life as normal as possible, and try to weave in small pleasures when you can to lift your spirits.