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Help On the factors leading to insecurity

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as you know i am going through a very hard time with the break up.....i miss my ex dearly and I very much so blame myself in a lot of ways... but i still remember all the little things he did that showed alot(in a bad way) ..this is a long post by the way


i wanted to reveal some aspects that made me feel insecure which led to a cycle that i guess i couldnt break, and maybe made me try controlling him and wanting more attention. i recently told a close guy friend about these aspects which i never told him before. (was with the ex for over 3 years if u don't remember)



my guy friend knew of me being jealous about certain things, but when i told him things like this, he said he would have given me different advice a very long time ago, and questioned why i would stick around and tolerate alot of these things.


my ex is a good person, confident, well mannered with opening doors, paying etc etc, very close to his family in regards to doing things for them, he knows how to talk to people, how to act on dates etc...just has this way about him i never seen before...but it can also be considered arrogance which he would probably admit that he is..its like this confidence in whatever he does and also indifference..apart of me started to think certain things he did---he liked the attention, like showing maybe he was better...and i started to really analyze at a certain point...he drove a car that not many people had..very popular from the past and we got stopped mostly by guys alot but im sure it was a babe magnet too if he was single, drove a motorcycle that of course is attention grabbing too, at xmas he would decorate his family's house outside from head to toe...so many lights..and at first i thought it was sweet and still do..but after a certain point i felt like maybe it tied into trying to be the "best" on the block, appearing a certain way, just having a certain edge over the other person


here are some tiny details that i guess can lead to a big picture: (sorry for it being so long)


1. When first beginning dating him, (3 years ago) I noticed when we went out with his friend and my b/f was driving..i would be sitting in the back seat as opposed to the front next to my b/f...it continued on even after 3 months..if we all went out together, he would actually LEAD me to the back door for me as opposed to the passenger side door where i would be sitting next him.


that spot was for friends i guess(BUT it made me think of that saying--friends before ho*s)..it bothered me a tiny bit but i felt ok, its still early on maybe he just wants to show his friends are still his top priority.


after about 8 months or a year of dating there was a road trip we were going to go on for a few days with his friend..and i actually chose to bring up that issue of sitting in the back seat..and he joked and said the front is only for drivers (i dont drive).


he was trying to avoid it i guess but it turned into an actual argument about me sitting in the front when he was driving..i wanted to be sitting next to him and felt it was disrespectful i would be in the back(i didnt mind it sometimes but it was as if i had to earn my way to the front or i didn't belong there).

my sister in law even said i would dump him now..she said she never heard of a man doing that with his girlfriend, and she thought it was crazy i even had to bring this up to him..i decided not to go on the trip, but i was placed in the front seat after that. but from that point on it still made me feel like i made him place me in the front seat and still may not think i belonged in the front.


Even when we were going out and he decided he didn't feel like driving and his friend took his car and drove---it almost made me feel like it was done on purpose, because obviously my b/f is gonna sit up front with his friend and i would be the back. at that point, that was probably me being really insecure but that was how it made me feel due to the past.


Another time we went out and his friend who is even older than he was(above 30) either looked like he was going to cut in front of me to get to the front seat or open the door for me, i don't know which it would have been but my ex boyfriend did speak up and said you are gonna have to get in the back.


but the friend actually gave him a little cr*p about it. he even said thought friends before(he was obviously trying to mess with him)...and he didn't finish the saying but obviously the saying is friends before h*es..my boyfriend at the time didn't say anything and i felt kind of dumbfounded that after 2 years or more of being with the guy,i still heard a friend older than 30 actually saying something like this, and it still made me think my b/f probably still felt a tiny bit that i should have been in the back. everytime i sat in the front seat and a friend was there or his brother apart of me still felt he thought i belonged in the back..is was as if i had to force him to do it..


maybe after a certain point he thought ok, yes she does belong in the front but it was almost as if the damage was done or something and even 2 years later i still felt that way.


2. I noticed when driving with him he would constantly turn his head to look at girls..i felt it was disrespectful to do in front of me..to turn your head...he wasn't breaking his neck or anything but obviously i could notice it and it bothered me and it took me a long time to say something but i eventually did..i felt he should look with his eyes or just do it when he wasn't around me.

3. On the weekend every sunday was like his day for his choirs and things of that nature..after a certain point in dating him i wanted to spend some time with him during the day..we never spent time during the day going to the beach or just spending a whole day at his place etc etc.


Our schedule seemed to be after work/at night...and in the beginning when i did start sleeping over which ran into that choir day he jokingly/sarcastically would say wasted day...because he wasn't productive and it got too late...to me--that was somewhat hurtful whether you were joking around or not.


its obvious some part of him felt that way..and it made me think he was doing me a favor almost or spending a full day with me was something he HAD to do because he was my boyfriend...as the relationship progressed it seemed he wanted me there more of the times, i would try to keep him company while did his thing or spent time with his family.


There were still times when i felt like he thought he could have been getting this and this done...which leads to insecurity...i felt guilty at times for being there or as if he was doing me a favor or doing it because he felt as a boyfriend he should spend some long days with me.


i felt like i belonged there other nights like a thursday, friday, saturday...but sunday felt a little weird to me at times..especially past a certain time like 6 maybe because driving me home took a long time like 30 minutes and then he would have to drive back but i guess that could have been worked out more where i took more cabs or something...but i actually felt weird..i even remember the day after NYE last year...i felt odd being there because i knew he probably could have had that whole day to do this and that and at about 3:00 or so he did speak up and say i think we should leave soon..so he probably wanted to be doing his own thing(chores, whatever it may be as soon as he got up)



4. i wanted him to say i love you more often..i didn't think every night before we got off the phone was too much to ask..but i had to ask him for it..i needed to hear it more often..and i didn't ask him to do it after 6 months or even a year..im pretty sure it was after a year of dating or more i wanted him to say it more often like every night.


5. he hardly ever complimented me


6. my friends said he had alot of confidence and this indifference personality..that if he was in a relationship, thats fine..and if he wasn't thats fine too..ultimately his confident personality made me insecure as well...i liked it, it made me feel like i was safe and i was attracted to him alot but that indifference quality i guess could be a problem for some because its partly arrogance


7. his friend was able to get him this job at a bar from time to time and i was with him for 2 and a half years at this point and he was ready to call his friend up and just agree without even discussing it with me...to me--i think thats a pretty big thing..a boyfriend agreeing to work at a bar whatever job it may be and he didn't even consider bringing it up with me first..my friends said i deserved more consideration than that and he ultimately still feels he doesn't need to answer to me about alot of things which isn't necessarily a good thing after over 2 years together.


8. He forgot to introduce me at a wedding...it was a year and a half together or even more and we were standing online to congratulate his family member and when his time came he shook his hand and gave the girl a kiss...and then about 10 seconds later (obviously he forgot)he said "oh, this is my g/f so and so...like kind of matter of factly..he didn't say it in a bad way but saying oh, this is so and so...it was obvious he forgot for a second which is really bad to me...and i said something to him later and he kind of got defensive and he said you are right. maybe i am just not used to introducing anyone...thats his defense after more than a year? i felt like he should have sincerely apologized if that hurt me.


9. he embarrassed me a few times in front of his mom by things he said..and one time it was almost done on purpose...we got to his house where his mom was and i was feeling pretty out of it and i just wanted to go to a restaurant and just have dinner with him and not with his family that night..he said thats fine and he went to get a few things but then said she made all this food and noone else is home, she would be eating alone right away i said ok, thats fine then..no problem, lets go eat with her...


BUT seeing as though he had embarrassed me before by saying something in the past and made me feel like i didn't look so great...i told him---don't tell your mom i didn't want to eat with her because its not like that, i just wanted to eat with u tonight thats all...10 minutes later i am reading a book and he just says she doesn't want to eat here, she just did because she heard you would be eating alone.


i felt soooo angry/dumbfounded/sad..i really couldnt believe it..and the mother said oh i don't believe him don't worry...but i felt so angry..i felt like it made me look like crap...and afterwards i was getting teary eyed while watching tv with him in his house still saying how could you do that and he basically just said he didn't want to hear it etc etc.


i honestly can't remember if i did anything to him a few days prior that would make him do that...but now i just blame myself..i am thinking...maybe i showed some jealousy a few days before or we had a fight recently or something and he still was mad..i honestly can't remember but i don't understand how he could say that to his mother when i told him not to do it because i felt like it would make me look bad or something...and he did it anyway..even if he was mad about something, he didn't have to do that which made me feel like i looked like sh*t.


10. Another time is when he was working in his backyard on something with his brother for a few days even up late at night doing it..one night i said i'm willing to take a cab to see you even if we only see each other for a few hours and then we go to sleep..i just wanted to see him and it was a few days since we did...i did notice his personality changed in front of family(maybe wanted to appear tougher or something i dont know..especially maybe in front of his brother) which sometimes happens with people but i would still be nice to friends around me, visitors etc...when i showed up..it was as if i lived around the block and just popped in you know? it took me 35-40 minutes by cab...his mother and brother were in the backyard so this was done in front of them... don't remember him even greeting me really or like with a smile or something..something how a boyfriend would do..i dont remember that being done and i remember feeling like hurt or insecure, angry..i didn't say anything to this, i tried to brush it off thinking he was trying to be "cool" or something in front of them...but he did even tell mewhether it was on the phone or later that night that he would need to wake up early the next morning to continue building this deck with his brother to which i said thats fine..the next morning...AS SOON AS THE ALARM went off..he pretty much jumped out of bed and put on his pants and i was kind of up..i dont remember if he knew i was up or not and actually don't remember if maybe we had a little fight or words said(i dont think so looking back)..but as he was walking out of the room he took the covers off of me really really quickly i guess as a sign to wake up and get ready and walked out to continue getting ready....it just hurt me alot and i felt so weird...almost like maybe i shouldnt have even come over to see him....like why couldn't he just come over and say hello but then get serious and say ok be ready in 10 minutes ok? something like that..i dont think we were intimate that night but i still felt almost used or something...like it was some huge emergency but meanwhile you were just continuing to build something and its not like its for work you know? you can't spare a minute to give me a nice hello? it made me insecure.


I can even name a few more little things that happened and even one time my brother said i wanted to put him in his place because of the way he said something to him



i still just blame myself and miss him dearly


my guy friend said he think he was somewhat emotionally abusive...not in this extreme way...but he said in slight ways he was....

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motorgrl, I don't know why but while I was reading your post, I felt like I had written it. I noticed those little things about my ex too and reading your post made me feel like I had stayed in the relationship much longer than I should have.


He always put me in the back seat when we ride with his mother, brother, and sometimes even friends. And I remember he didn't really introduce me to his coworkers when we were at his work Christmas party last year.


Maybe those things are little but I feel like if it makes us unhappy or insecure than it's a good thing that our lives aren't interwined with theirs anymore, don't you agree?

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alot of those factors are bad right? all those "little" things that show a big picture?


i still just blame myself and think people are just saying it wasnt all my fault and he could have been nicer..but i know some of my friends are pretty honest.


Hey motogrl,


I read all of your post, and while I was reading it, I realized that you and I are pretty similar in that our insecurities get set off by little things. It's very tough to have these feelings, and even more so to bring them up to someone. Also, in reading your post, I sensed that you would like to improve to your self-confidence. I am with you there - I could definitely improve mine too, and I'm looking for ways to do that.


I do have some comments on each situation you brought up. Before I get into them though, I need to tell you that it's not really important what other people think of these situations. Everyone will have a different take, but what should be important to you is how YOU feel. If the situation makes you feel bad, and your boyfriend is indifferent to it, that should definitely be a red flag to you. You want to be with someone who cares about your feelings. I want to ask you is if you brought up your feelings to your boyfriend. How did he respond?


On to the situations. I have comments on a few of them.


1) Making you ride in the backseat. I would put my girl in front with me if I had friends in the car, and I would do this 99% of the time, because I want her next to me, so we can hold hands, etc. That's just me. I'm pretty sure I've let a friend sit up front before, because he liked my car or something like that, and my girl, at that time, was ok with sitting in the backseat. I'm also thinking about my parents for a second here. When I go somewhere with my family, my mother lets me ride upfront with my father, and she takes the backseat. Again, 99% of the time though, I want my girl next to me.


I understand why this upset you, especially if he was doing this all the time. Your feelings are your feelings, and he should be respecting them. If I were in your situation, I would be upset too if my b/f was constantly directing me to the back and putting his friends upfront.


I just want you to consider that putting you in the backseat does not always mean the guy does not like or respect you. I would hate for you to meet a good guy in the future, and automatically think he doesn't like you if you occasionally find yourself in the backseat while a friend or family member is up front.


2) Looking at girls. I have to admit that I sometimes do this. It will just be a quick glance and nothing more. I certainly do not stare or flirt, which I know some guys do and I find it appalling. I find a quick glance pretty harmless myself, because when I am with someone, I don't care if there are 1000 pretty girls in the room. My thoughts and my feelings are with my girl, and she's the one I want to be with. I've started to take more notice of this, and I try really hard to do this less and less, because I realize that it can hurt the girl I am with. I do think that if I saw my girl staring at an attractive guy, it would bother me too.


What I would say to you is this - if you catch a guy doing this in the future, gently tell him how you feel and ask him to stop. If he respects you, he will give you a sincere apology and stop. If you see him staring or flirting, just dump him. You don't need to put up with that.


3) The "wasted day" comment Ouch - I have to say that would bother me too. I remember one time my ex girlfriend had told me she didn't mind having me around when she had things to do, as long as she didn't have to "entertain" me. Thinking more about it now, I realize she was probably being sarcastic when she said it, but her tone of voice and facial expression, that I remember, was more serious, so I took the comment seriously, and it did bother me.


Reading this section made me realize you are REALLY like me in some ways. I sometimes felt the same when my ex girlfriend would spent alot of time with me. His comment was insensitive, and I'm sure that contributed to your sour feeling when you were around him. I also want you to explore why else you felt that way. Was there something else that he did, or do you think the feelings came from within you? The reason why I suggest this is because I wonder if it's possible for someone to say and do things which make you feel welcome, but you might still feel uncomfortable. This has happened to me, and I realized it's from within me. There might be something you don't like about him or the relationship, or maybe you are unsure of something else. Did you ever feel like he was being unfaithful, so you chose to be around him just to make sure he wasn't with someone else?


These are just some things to consider. When I look at things in the long run, when you are married to someone, you live together, so you should obviously feel comfortable spending alot of time around the person. If the person is saying or do things to hurt you, then, you definitely cannot bear spending alot of time with them. If you think the bad feelings are from within, I would definitely explore them. I don't want you to push away someone who appreciates you.


4) Saying I love you Did you ask him, and he didn't say it more often. If so, that would bother me too. I would definitely be hurt if my girl wouldn't do that, especially if I asked her.


7) I don't think he should have to ask your permission to work somewhere. Is that what you mean?


9) I don't think there's anything wrong with him wanting you and him to eat with his mother. If she's home alone and there's food there, why the heck not? You save money, because going out is expensive, and it's nice to spend time with family. If, however, he does this all the time and you are getting little alone time with him, then I understand your concern completely.

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hey NewPhillyGuy,


Thanks for writing..just want to let you know a little further about some of the stuff you said..with the glancing at girls..it was happening pretty often in front of me..i know he wasn't like turning his body around but obviously i can notice him doing this when i am sitting in the car next to him you know? and his excuse one time when i brought it up was i am a people watcher..which obviously is bs because if i was slightly turning my head taking notice to every guy i think it would slightly bother him even if he didn't say so..so i did confront him and did ask if he contol this..do it when i am not around etc


and with eating with his mother..i think you need to reread that point which was a pretty big thing i thought when it happened...i did agree to eat with his mother no questions about it(i liked being around her and actually miss her)..but before i knew she was eating alone i did tell him i feel stressed out etc, can we just go back to his place and have dinner alone..in order to just completely relax you? if you reread that paragraph you will see why i got upset and why a few of my friends said it was pretty horrible what he did

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oh and with the working at a bar...that is a pretty big thing if you are in a relationship i think..and i would think if i was taking a job at a bar i would talk to my boyfriend about it..because it is a different type of environment and even a whole change of schedule..most people agreed he should have to spoke to me about it first..and it showed he was still at that point after two and a half years that he can do whatever he wants no questions asked, doesnt need to answer to me about things like this or get my opinion

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