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Don't know if I should do it....


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This whole situation is really throwing me for a loop, so I seek everyone's advice here to help me make a decision. I really need help, so please be patient and read. Here goes...


I am in my mid 30's and so is he. We were in a committed relationship from 1998 - 2001. We had two times broken up during that time period, once due to him cheating on me with an old girlfriend one time, and finally because I just couldn't take the pain anymore of what I was feeling after he cheated. He also was constantly on social networking sites (before Myspace, but same concept), chatting online, etc. That was probably the main thing that I hated most about our relationship outside of the time he cheated. I never understood how he could need so much attention from an online audience when he had someone at home that absolutely adored him. I asked him to stop because it made me actually physically ill to even think that he may be using the internet to cheat on me. He would stop for a week or two and then go back to it. It was almost like an addiction with him. I became very bitter,distrusting, and argumentative after he cheated, and we had a horrible break up. It was so ugly and painful and it just about killed me to go through it. I loved him so much and I just couldn't believe that our relationship ended in such an ugly way.


Now, it's been about 7 years since I've seen him. I have moved out of state and he still lives in my hometown. He looked me up on Facebook and said he just was hoping to apologize and that maybe one day we could at least talk and be friends. After emailing, we decided to talk, and as soon as I heard his voice, I knew I still had feelings for him. Just talking to him on the phone threw me into an emotional upheaval.


I went home for Thanksgiving and we spent one evening together hanging out and just talking. The whole first 2 hours was us talking about our relationship and me crying my eyes out. I was so embarrassed. I wanted to yell at him but at the same time I had to keep myself from flinging myself around his waist an into his arms. When he couldn't stand to see me cry anymore he did come over and hold me, and it just tore me apart. I still can't define the feeling - hurt that he made me feel this way and that it still hurts, embarrassed that I still have feelings, and just twisted up inside.


We fell asleep together on the couch after watching TV. I made the road trip home the next day. He made it very clear after seeing me that he feels that we are much more grown up now and that we have to give this another try. He is ready to quit his job and move to my state whenever I am ready. He says he knows, and has known for a long time (even before we started talking again) that we are supposed to be together.


A few things complicate this:


* he just broke up with a girl he was going to marry in Sept.

* she was likely cheating at the end of the relationship and is now pregnant

* she initially rubbed it in his face that the baby wasn't his, but now says it is his baby. She is 4 months along. He says there is a high likelihood this baby is not his (her new boyfriend called and apologized to him)

* he doesn't have a car right now

* he is pretty much in the same financial boat as he was when we broke up


All of that aside, I still love him. I can't tell him that yet, but I think that is the sick, twisted feeling I get - because I keep trying to fight it. He even went to our old place, which is now abandoned, and took the address sign that I hand painted from the front door today. I want him here with me to see if we can do this, but I don't want to get hurt again. He is supposed to come here the last week of December for my birthday for a week so we can see what we think, but I want to try and figure this out while I am still thinking sensibly. It will be much harder to think clearly if we get together and have a great time.


Thank you so much for reading and for your advice.



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I would be very careful with this? How long ago did he break up with his fiancé? It sounds to me like her cheating on him opened his eyes to what he did to you and he contacted you to make amends. I would be concerned that he is latching on to you because of his pain at being cheated on...and he is feeling guilty for what he did to you now that he knows how it feels on the other side. I would be concerned that his feelings for you in a romantic way are not genuine at this point because he is trying to take away the pain and the guilt. I would really suggest that you hold off on this and wait until he has properly dealt with his issues. The baby coming is a complicated factor...who knows if they will even get back together. I think you have a good chance of getting very hurt considering the freshness of his breakup, the guilt feelings he has and the fact that there is a baby on the way.

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I know he is in a bad situation right now. He is working, and has always kept a job. He has already started looking for jobs here. At some point in all relationships, people have to help their partner. I don't want to be taken advantage of, and I don't think he would. I really think he has just made some poor choices since we were last together. He told me that I inspire him to want to be better in every part of his life. He said that if he moves here, he is willing to do whatever it takes for us to build a life together and be married one day.


While most women would love to marry a man that makes more money than she does and can support her, I have found that this has not been something that I have to have or is even likely for me. In the last 5 years, I have only dated 3 men (2 very briefly) that made more money than me. When I do meet someone that has it all together on paper, they sometimes seem like I should be grateful to be with them because they are some sort of rare commodity.


I don't want his situation to be the only focus here. He cheated on me all those years ago. He couldn't let go of his internet audience back then either. He was attached at the hip to all of his friends. Now he is willing to pack up, quit his job, and move here with me 4.5 hours away from our hometown. Sometimes I think sensibly and say maybe this will end really bad. But most of the time, when I come home at the end of the day, I wish he was here. And then I have to fight off the urge to call him and say, "Let's do it, pack your things now".

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Do you think that you could go on having a relationship with him and not constantly think about the things he did? It seems like that would only be fair. You would have to be able to let go of the cheating and online stuff for this to work. But you never know what can happen between two people that love each other. I pray that you are careful though.

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Why is he rushing and pushing this...if it is too good to be true it probably is too good to be true. His relationship just broke into pieces..he wants to run away..what better way than to run to you. You are eating it up because you are hoping for the fairy tale that didn't happen the first time around. I would say it would be positive if had been single for the last year and did some real thinking...but his rushing into this with you and wanting to pick up stakes and move so quickly without even testing the waters with you suggests to me that he is not running TO YOU, he is simply running AWAY FROM the painful situation he is currently dealing with and you are the convenient person he knew from his past who is willing to be his security blanket.

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Irish, I think you already figured out what to do... I highlighted the way this man makes you feel, in your own words. Forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I think he causes you too much pain, still, for you to be able to have a trusting relationship with him.


I've found that when I have such guttural emotions to a man, there is a reason... it's my intuition telling me to run. I think it's too soon for you to rekindle with this man. I think you are still too emotionally attached, and that this will end in more pain for you.


Take some more time away from him. Get clear on the kind of man you want to have in your life, make a list of the qualities you do and don't want your next partner to have. Revise the list until you have apply razor-sharp focus on what you do/don't want in your life, and your future relationships. You deserve to find peace in your life! You deserve to find someone who makes your heart sing, not some one who makes you feel so emotionally undstable!




EXACTLY. You need more time to yourself to get clear on how you want/deserve to be treated. It sounds to me like you have not healed from the past hurts... history repeats itself when we don't learn it's lessons.


Be good to you!

xo -SG

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So, I keep talking to him about how I feel and he is getting very depressed. Seems he is feeling bad about how hurt I still am, wondering if I will leave him if we get back together and the baby turns out to be his, and over the fact that he has a lot of work to do on himself personally. I want to call him because I didn't mean to make him feel bad today. (Crazy how I feel bad about hurting him, huh?) I was just recalling some old memories of what he put me through and got a little miffed in the process (helped along by the fact that I looked at his Myspace, etc and saw one of the girls he used to talk to all those years ago). The easiest way for this man to have proven to me that he was serious would have been to drop the one thing that tore us apart in the first place - the internet social sites. They were the main catalyst to 95% of our problems. He is a musician, so he says that now he just uses it to promote his music, but it still makes me extremely uneasy.

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I think getting together at this point is not a wise idea. He has a lot of issues to resolve and you still have a lot of anger about what happened. This is a recipe for disaster. Is he feeling badly about how hurt you are or is he simply feeling panicky because he wants to have someone in his life now that the other relationship went sour. He is not in a healthy frame of mind right now.

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That's funny, because that is what his concern is right now. He is concerned that I will leave him if we get together and the baby turns out to be his. I can't lie - it will really hurt me because if we get back together, I want it to be for keeps, and I would want to be the one to have his first child. I have always hoped to marry a man with no children like me so that we could share that experience together. On the other hand, I wouldn't rule a man out that was perfect for me that had a child. I guess my answer to that is if we finally did manage to work things out between us and there was no drama for the child's mother, then I would find a way to accept the situation because I love him. I would not be upset that the baby is here, just more hurt that we would be robbed of the experience together.

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