Well...I broke NC after almost a month...

[justletgo07]

So...I posted last night that I was feeling tempted to break NC to wish my ex good luck on her final exams. I acknowledged when I posted that it was probably a really dumb idea, that I wasn't ready...

 

So I gave in to the urge today and sent her that message, after being NC for a day or two shy of a month...and as so many of you have discovered and written about...I feel worse now. Should I have known better? Yeah. Truth is, I really did send it because I genuinely do wish her all the best with her finals, since I know how much her grades mean to her, especially since she is pre-med. At the time, I wasn't thinking about her response, or really caring whether she did or not...I kinda wish she hadn't responded. That would have been easier to deal with, I think.

 

I don't know why I keep thinking I have even the slightest sliver of a chance with her again, or that somehow I'll wake up and this will all be a horrible nightmare. I wish it were. I'm so tired of feeling this heart-crushing pain every single day. I thought I'd feel better as the weeks wore on, but I keep feeling worse. I just want to stop feeling this way...

 

I guess maybe I am holding on to the feelings, and to the hope, because I'm afraid if I truly get over her that she's never going to come back, or that if she does, I won't want her anymore. The second reason sounds even more ridiculous than the first, and makes no logical sense whatsoever, but it's also funny, because it seems that is what it takes for most people to come back. You have to be 100% totally over them and not the least bit interested in pursuing a relationship with them.

 

How do I make myself stop wanting the thing that I want the most?

[cruzer]

I have a question or two.

 

When u text her and she replied, did she know it was you? Did she still have ur name/number in her phone or maybe she just recognized the number? Or did she just say thanks?

 

Do you feel that you will never love again? Or never want some other girl again the way u want her?

 

I realize that everyone who gets their heart broken did not want the relationship to end and really liked the other person. What i do not understand is why they can not accept that the person does not want to be with them and that there is probably someone else out there that wants to be with you, and if u would just put ur ex behind you, u might see or find that person.

[justletgo07]

I have a question or two.

 

When u text her and she replied, did she know it was you? Did she still have ur name/number in her phone or maybe she just recognized the number? Or did she just say thanks?

 

She knew it was me. She sent the following response:

 

"Thank you! I hope you had a good Thanksgiving and that you will have a good Christmas and New Years!"

 

All in all, not a bad response. The part that upset me was her wishing me happy holidays, because it more or less means she is maintaining her distance with me and establishing that we will not be talking again before New Years. This part hurt the most, especially because I am the one that instituted NC, and I was hoping my message might re-open the lines of communication

 

Do you feel that you will never love again? Or never want some other girl again the way u want her?

 

No, I know I will love again. I'm not worried about that. I also know that I will have just as strong, if not stronger, feelings for other girls down the road. I'm not concerned about finding someone else or finding someone better. I know that I can, and will. I just want her...

 

I realize that everyone who gets their heart broken did not want the relationship to end and really liked the other person. What i do not understand is why they can not accept that the person does not want to be with them and that there is probably someone else out there that wants to be with you, and if u would just put ur ex behind you, u might see or find that person.

 

As I said before, this is not an issue of thinking I will be alone forever or that I'll never find anyone as as good as her. I don't think she is the best I can do. In regard to the part you don't understand, the reason is likely because there is a difference between logically accepting something as fact and emotional acceptance and acknowledgement. Do I understand that she doesn't want to be with me anymore? Of course. If she did, I wouldn't be in this situation. But the mere act of accepting is does not turn the feelings off.

 

I'll give you an additional example. After a break up, many people (myself included) read tons and tons of self help book and books about relationships, communication, codependency, etc. After reading many of these books, people typically have a heightened sense of awareness of their emotions and their unhealthy tendancies in relationships. BUT, just being aware of this does not CHANGE the behavior. You have to work at it and practice it. The same is true of being in love. Being in love is a learned behavior. I learned to be in love with my ex. Now I have to un-learn being in love with her, which will take practice, and time.

[Luke Skywalker]

How long was your relationship with your ex for? What was the cause of the break-up and who initiated it?

[justletgo07]

We dated for roughly 2.5 years.

 

The cause of the break up was an assortment of things, all of which displayed my neediness and emtional dependancy on her and our inability to communicate. We argued a lot...about pretty much everything. With everything else going on in her life, the stress of being with me just became too much and she decided she couldn't take it anymore. She later revealed that she didn't have the same feelings for me anymore; loved me more like family.

[Luke Skywalker]

I see. Yeah, 2.5 years sounds about an average length of a relationship on here. I'm looking at different threads and 2 years appears to be some bench-mark time, so that's not too far off. I'm seeing now that it is not a good idea to get engaged or married to a woman less than 2 years or it's just not safe. Better a break-up than a divorce court and thousands of bucks on attorney fees.

 

I think that you have hit it on the nail head on as the reason things fell apart. Perhaps your neediness and dependency on her probably reduced her interest level on you. This reinforces the 'text book' concept of why relationships break-up - lack of 'challenge'. I've bought into the Doc Love System to understand relationship dynamics better -- you can google it yourself too, maybe it could help you too.

 

Thank you for sharing this story.

[justletgo07]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my behavior killed the attraction.

 

From what you've read, both on this forum and in "The System", is my situation more than likely beyond the point of no return, or can attraction be still be rekindled? I mean, I realize that nothing is impossible, and I am not looking for any sort of false hope. Just wanted to hear your opinion, based on what you have read. I, for one, think there's little I could do at this point.

[Luke Skywalker]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my behavior killed the attraction.

 

From what you've read, both on this forum and in "The System", is my situation more than likely beyond the point of no return, or can attraction be still be rekindled? I mean, I realize that nothing is impossible, and I am not looking for any sort of false hope. Just wanted to hear your opinion, based on what you have read. I, for one, think there's little I could do at this point.

 

Well, I've just started to read the forum. I'm sure there are lots of variations that can happen, but if we are going by the book then I'd say her interest level dropped below 51% into the 40-49% range. Once it is on that range (or known as the 'family or friendzone' range), then there is no chance of it going higher than that and it's a write off from there on in.

 

Again, that's just the text book, and I'm sure there are always exceptions to the rule, but the way this is sounding, I'd just move on as it seems you have an interest level in her over 90-100% while she is 40-49% and the discrepency is too high and you'll end up being a victim with her even if she did come back as she holds the trumph card. Best to let it go.

[cruzer]

I mostly asked about if she knew it was u or not for 2 reasons. just guessing here but 1. she broke it off with u but she still has ur name/# in her phone? i dont think someone decided i dont want that person anymore and just leaves their number in their phone unless they want them there for backup or plan on going back to them. im not saying this to get ur hopes up this leads to 2. i was debating to txt this girl i dated happy bday. i figured she would not know who it is and no reply or just simply thx if she knew it was me but wanted nothing from me. if there was any hope she would say something more.

 

I have never been in your shoes, i have never loved, i have never been in a serious relationship so ill just leave it at that, im inexperienced.

 

I think about the girl i last dated and how i would still like to be seeing her but i think people take break ups overboard. Either its everyone is different or its just because my situation was not a 2.5 year relationship. I did not know the girl i dated last that much, she said she would call but never did, i dont know if she still likes me, or if she does not why it ended, i still think about her and being with her but im perfectly fine being without her. What hurts most is that i dont know why it ended and it didnt end with her saying i dont want to see u anymore.

 

U broke NC and u said u regret it, so hopefully u, i and everyone else learn from it. good luck with your healing.