Help please! Friend's wife says no more friendship!

[joshkatz]

I am really down right now and please could use your help.

 

I'm a straight guy, have a best friend who is a guy, we hang out and have a blast together, not too often, but when we do, his wife is always jealous. Well, she gave her blessing that we could do a guys weekend which we did, then she would do a girls weekend with her friends. Anyway, she got pist that my friend actually took off with me, and said she was leaving my friend unless he stopped ALL communication with me. Not haning out, even a call or email. We haven't talked since, and I miss my best friend, especially over the holidays.

 

In one sense, I feel I should back off to protect their marriage. But she is an absolute B..... amd in another sense I want to tell my friend to be a man and not let her turn away his friends.

 

What do I do? I am so hurt right now. Please help.

 

Josh

[Isha]

That's completely unreasonable, but unless your friend is going to do something about it then there's not much you can do unfortunately.

[Pressfit]

There's not much you can do about it for the sake of risking your friendship with your buddy. He is going to have to find his own way through this quagmire of a controlling relationship. Been down this road myself, in the same position as your friend.

[joshkatz]

Thanks for your reply. I think its unreasonable, too, but I don't know what to do. It sounds dumb, but I'm really torn up inside. I value friends a lot, maybe more than most people (I lost my mom and dad when I was little, so maybe I value relationships more), but like you said, I can't really do anything about it. Can I?

 

I go back and forth, from wanting to just call over there and yell at the wife, or maybe just sitting quiet is best, and move on. It just sucks.

[karvala]

There is surely more to this than you've reported. Clearly you don't get on with his wife, and I wonder if he does? Is there something in their history you'd like to share with us? Or yours, for that matter? I don't buy that in a perfectly happy marriage, the wife just one day decides that her husband is having too much innocent fun with his best friend, and insists all communication disappears. It takes something to reach that situation.

[joshkatz]

You are being so helpful. Well, I don't think there's too much more to the story. Her excuse is that we went to NY for the weekend for drinking on the way to Atlantic City (we're from Seattle), but he told her we were ONLY going to AC, because she wanted to go to NY some day. He only told her that to protect her from getting hurt feelings. Well, she of course found out from the hotel confirmation via email, which she read, and that was her excuse to say I was a bad friend/bad influence, etc., and he had to stop communicating with me or she would leave him. It really hurts me. I don't think the punishment fits the crime.

[joshkatz]

Hey pressfit, can you tell me your story? You said you've been down this road before. I need help...

[Pressfit]

I didn't listen to anybody either. Time will tell because sometimes that's what it takes for people to wise up a bit and say "You were right".

[joshkatz]

what do you mean you didn't listen to anyone?

[Snoopy24]

That is ridiculous she would give him an ultimatum. At the end of the day though, he is a grown man, and can make his own decisions. He doesn't sound like a good friend. Friends should always come first, especially best friends. If/when he realizes what he did, I think you should think twice about letting him back in your life, since he was so quick to throw you out of his for someone else.

[joshkatz]

but he has to choose between his wife and 7 month old baby versus just a friend? It seems like he would HAVE to choose his wife to keep his life somewhat sane. Correct?

[Pressfit]

what do you mean you didn't listen to anyone?

 

I mean I did'nt listen to the advice of people like you... friends, or even other family members for that matter that she WAS NOT the right one for me. I fell into the classic trap of putting her way up there on a mountain top way above the "pedestal" level. LOL Mostly through my own ignorance and lack of experience.

It took about ten years and her cheating for me to finally wise up.

[redhearts]

She is psycho and you be doing him a favor by sticking around. What is she 12? She sounds so immature! Hmm she has a baby, could she have post partum? Look it may be you that goes, then who is next? Then maybe a few years down it will be her babys friends or something? Or her own baby because the baby will be spending too much time with her husband? She needs a reality check. Your friend is ALLOWED to have friends.

[joshkatz]

I don't know if this posted, but he has a 7 month old baby. I can't really expect him to choose between his *B* wife and baby, versus a friend, could I? It seems like you would always have to choose the wife's ultimatum over just a friend, even best friends as we are, in order to keep your family together?

[joshkatz]

Thanks redhearts. I wish you could email her for me. She really is psycho. I mean, my buddy and me have such fun together, and we build each other up in life. Not go to strip clubs and smoke crack, etc. When we get together, we talk business, life, postive * * * * . So it sucks that she just pulls the plug, and it sucks more that he is scarred to the point where he won't give me a call.

[Pressfit]

I'm sure you've heard the saying that Blood is Thicker Than Water. In reality I can't say I blame her, or him, or even you. Maybe for some reason she feels threatened. Maybe it's even an indication of a mental quirk that will manifest itself later on? Relationships are so complex anyway.

 

I wouldn't give up being his friend though. You can still become a part of their lives if you want to. Show interest in being a beneficial part of their family.

[joshkatz]

How do I cope with just getting the plug pulled right now? It's like your best friend just died instantly in a car crash? I have no closure or ability to kind of say I'll be there. The friendship just ended because his wife said so. And he has to go along with it. But I am so very sad right now. At this time of year, it's all the worse. How do I cope with this "sudden" end?

[joshkatz]

Please help me Pressfit. How do I cope with it?

[joshkatz]

A little part of me wants to call over there (to the wife) and just ask if the husband, my friend, is there. Should I be an a** because as far as I can tell, the friendship is over anyway. I mean, if my buddy can't stand up to his B wife, then how should I take that? But then again, I'm not married yet and may not understand all the complications.

[Pressfit]

Please help me Pressfit. How do I cope with it?

 

You're doing it right here my friend. This place serves as a highly valuable social function. You don't have anyone else to talk to?

 

As it seems to bother you so much, have you tried talking to her personally about the matter. That's what I would do. A phone call or something like that.

[joshkatz]

I told him I would call her, but he said I shouldn't. I'm torn between taking my own path and calling her, or respecting my friend's request.

[joshkatz]

I sent them a quick note via Fedex, and they got it this morning. Of course the wife signed for it. Haven't heard from my buddy since then. I wrote that I was sorry if I upset the wife, and asked my buddy to call me. He hasn't.

[joshkatz]

How do I cope with losing a best friend?

[Pressfit]

You go out and make new ones guy. I've yet to see anything last forever, so maybe you'll meet up again someday and maybe not.

Sounds like you've done enough though. Just let it go.

[Shyguy24]

Dude the only way to get over it is to accept the reality of life . Which is that she is his wife and if he does not stand up for you, then your friendship is dead anyway.

 

You cant lead your friends life, he has to value you and your friendship.

 

Keep your self respect and be a man, you should have not sent a note or anything.

 

This is life * * * * happens.I know it sucks but not much you can do about it.