Sad today...feeling like it will never happen for me.

[NewPhillyGuy]

So, yes, I am feeling sorry for myself today, and here goes my vent.

 

I was in the grocery store just picking up some food, and I heard Christmas music come on. I looked around and noticed the couples walking together - young and old. Very recently, I've started noticing whether or not a man or woman has an engagement or wedding ring on. Anyway, the Christmas music reminded me of the holidays and how I don't have a girlfriend anymore. (Granted, it is better to be single than with someone and unhappy.) I felt like crying at that moment. It has been a very lonely weekend so far. I did nothing last night. I just came home and read some more of this book I have been reading about insecurity in relationships, because I know that's a problem I have. It used to be pretty bad when I was younger, but I think I have improved over the years.

 

Today is another day, and I also have nothing to do. With my first semester of grad school wrapped up, I can relax a bit, as there's no more homework or studying to do. I am just anxious to get my grades back for this term.

 

I've been in 2 long-term relationships, and both of them were disastrous. Both were unstable women, but I also realize that my insecurity played a role and made them even worse. This last relationship which I just got out of was short at only 3 months long, but it was very intense and the woman had personality traits that were similar to that of my exes - bad temper, some violence in terms of throwing, breaking things, etc, and just insensitivity toward my feelings. I am definitely picking the wrong people over and over.

 

One of the things this last relationship showed me is that I have alot more work to do on my insecurity and sensitivity. It bothers me alot that I am so sensitive to the things people say and do. I am also SO TIRED of people telling me that. I wish, for once, that I would meet someone who would understand me. My therapist tried to make me feel better about it by referring to this as my gut just protecting me from people who are bad news. I just wish that I could be a less sensitive and more secure person, and I'm not really sure how to do it. I've read plenty of books and articles on relationships, communication, things to watch out for, etc, but it does not seem to be helping me, as I find myself single again, crushed again, and realizing that things might have turned out better had I not been this way.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if I cannot change, and this is just the way I am. I wonder if it's just a matter of waiting for the right girl to come along who's more sensitive, caring, and wholesome, and perhaps when she comes, I just won't feel this way anymore? I really don't know the answer, and I'm so tired of waiting too.

 

People who are older than me say you're only 26, you've got plenty of time, you're a good guy, you're mature beyond your age (SO MANY people have told me that) but I ask myself - am I really so great? If so, why am I still single? What if I am 30 and still in this rut? 35? 40, and I'm still trying to figure it out and me out.

 

The anxiety that I feel sometimes really kills me - it prevents me from concentrating on anything - school, work, feeling happy, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Medication never worked either, and I've tried a few.

 

Sometimes, I just feel like giving up.

 

There's a speed dating kinda thing going on tonight about an hour away from me. It's a bit far at 50 miles, and I'm debating whether or not to go. I've gone to those events before a few times, and each time, I usually got nothing out of it. I would leave wondering why I even bothered, because I never met anyone. I have the boldness to just go up and talk to girls, but it would never go anywhere. People tell me I'm smart, attractive, funny, and have a good heart. It's seemingly just not good enough.

[Perfection]

hey mate. i feel the same way when i see people walking hand in hand at shopping malls, airports, hotels etc. i was miserable last sunday at the airport when i was trying to hide in a corner and life somehow wanted to force me to see such things.

 

hang in there mate. i have complete faith that no matter how long the night is, the sun HAS to come up one time or the other. i am just sitting out waiting for that to happen. i'll smile again when the sun rays fall on my face, i'll wait for that day.

 

stay strong. the day will come.

[fivespot]

I've given up. I'm 26 and I'm tired of women treating me like i have no feelings.

 

I've made up my mind. No more dating. I'm up for one night stands...and even though they're empty, that's all I'm interested in anymore.

 

I know the chances of forming a real relationship this way is probably slim, but I'm tired of being treated like I have no feelings, like I should be ok being all these girls' "plan B" in case things don't work out with their ex or long distance relationships.

 

Dating is too expensive and there's too much risk to my self esteem. I used to not care if someone rejected me. I'd just move on. Not anymore...I can't take rejection anymore.

 

Sorry this is happening to you, but it's the story of my life and it isn't getting any better. I'm done.

[Perfection]

 

I've made up my mind. No more dating. I'm up for one night stands...and even though they're empty, that's all I'm interested in anymore.

 

 

 

this is exactly what i have been doing for the past two years. and i thought i was happy. but honestly, it does get old. you can only hide behind such things for so long.

[fivespot]

I know this already. I'm not happy, believe me!

 

But I feel like there is no other way. I can't deal with rejection anymore! Something is mentally stopping me from actually making myself willing to put myself on the line like that.

 

You can only be made a fool of and disrespect yourself so many times before it starts to bite you on the a**.

 

:splat:

[hers]

The holidays are hard for many single people. I go through the same thing. Have you heard from any of your friends? What are you doing for the holidays?

 

I thik the speed dating thing would be good for you, just to get you out of the house.

 

One thing I want to say is feeling like it'll never happen for you. You're 26 and you wonder if you'll be in the rut at 30. That's 4 years away. Think back to 4 years ago. Think back to any pain you felt 4 years ago. How did it feel then? How do you feel now? Are you over it? Have you moved on from it? If you have, certainly you will do the same thing 4 years from now. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but time heals all wounds.

[NewPhillyGuy]

The holidays are hard for many single people. I go through the same thing. Have you heard from any of your friends? What are you doing for the holidays?

 

I thik the speed dating thing would be good for you, just to get you out of the house.

 

One thing I want to say is feeling like it'll never happen for you. You're 26 and you wonder if you'll be in the rut at 30. That's 4 years away. Think back to 4 years ago. Think back to any pain you felt 4 years ago. How did it feel then? How do you feel now? Are you over it? Have you moved on from it? If you have, certainly you will do the same thing 4 years from now. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but time heals all wounds.

 

Hi, M.

 

Truth is I don't have many friends, just two really. I talked to the one a week ago and the other a few days ago. I hardly see them though - maybe once a month if I am lucky.

 

Holidays - not sure. Will head to the rents for Christmas. No plans for New Year's yet, so right now, looking like I will just be at home in this situation - ugh.

 

I feel like doing the speed dating thing, but I kinda feel like maybe I"m too screwed up to be dating anyone. Like, what if I do meet someone and I just screw it up again?

[hers]

Hi, M.

 

Truth is I don't have many friends, just two really. I talked to the one a week ago and the other a few days ago. I hardly see them though - maybe once a month if I am lucky.

 

Holidays - not sure. Will head to the rents for Christmas. No plans for New Year's yet, so right now, looking like I will just be at home in this situation - ugh.

 

I feel like doing the speed dating thing, but I kinda feel like maybe I"m too screwed up to be dating anyone. Like, what if I do meet someone and I just screw it up again?

 

I honestly don't think you need to be in a relationship right now, just based on your posts and talking with you. You have issues you need to work through. What about going to the speed dating thing to just meet people and make some friends? Why not focus on friendships instead of a relationship right now?

[Perfection]

I know this already. I'm not happy, believe me!

 

But I feel like there is no other way. I can't deal with rejection anymore! Something is mentally stopping me from actually making myself willing to put myself on the line like that.

 

You can only be made a fool of and disrespect yourself so many times before it starts to bite you on the a**.

 

 

 

i know how you feel mate, exactly. i just wish i had better words for you. but it would be like a blind person leading another blind person.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I honestly don't think you need to be in a relationship right now, just based on your posts and talking with you. You have issues you need to work through. What about going to the speed dating thing to just meet people and make some friends? Why not focus on friendships instead of a relationship right now?

 

Well, that's another thing I am struggling with. It's like - I've dated some totally screwed up people, and I know those experiences have messed me up. But, every serious relationship I have been in has been like this - intense and disastrous, and while I accept responsibility for my share of the problems, I must say that the woman played a role in it too. I'm saying it wasn't all my fault, and I ask myself, should this stop me? I've done therapy before. I'm in therapy now, so what next? I know I'm insecure, but like, do I just stop dating and how do I know when I'm ready? I'm tired of feeling like I'm damaged. I ask myself - maybe it's just that I haven't met the right person, and I should keep looking.

 

My therapist encourages me to try online dating. I guess she doesn't think I'm so screwed up, but I feel that way.

[hers]

You are in charge of your emotions and reactions to things. No one else is responsible for that. It's up to you to control them. On some level I think you, as many of us do, choose the disastrous relationships you find yourself in, even though you dont want to be in those relationships. Of course no one does, but when you find yourself in the same relationship, one after another, you have to wonder if you are attracted to those sorts of relationships without your knowing it.

 

That's why I think 12-step programs are so effective--b/c if forces you to look more deeply inside yourself than therapy can offer at times and you can put an end to the behaviour you don't want but are tortured with. I still recommend CoDA b/c it will help you do that.

 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. Seems like that's right where you are. It's common and normal for people in relationships when they have issues they don't know how to identify.

[ladybug726]

People who are older than me say you're only 26, you've got plenty of time, you're a good guy, you're mature beyond your age (SO MANY people have told me that) but I ask myself - am I really so great? If so, why am I still single? What if I am 30 and still in this rut? 35? 40, and I'm still trying to figure it out and me out.

 

You're very cute and sweet from what I can tell, so don't even bother worrying about that.

 

With every failing relationship you're one relationship closer to the girl that's right for you. You learn so much about yourself in relationships and the demise of them that I'm sure you'll learn how to end up with the right girl instead of with the wrong ones.

 

And just because people are in relationships doesn't mean they're happy. Try to enjoy being single while it lasts, as much as it sucks.

[NewPhillyGuy]

This is a tough pill for me to swallow, but I know that you are right on the choosing part, somewhat. What makes it tough is that sometimes you don't see the signs that the person is unstable early on, and you fall for them. After you have fallen, it's harder to disconnect. I do realize that I should have disconnected from the disastrous people I mentioned. In certain cases though, I was able to easily disconnect from people who were trouble. It was harder with others, because I doubted myself. Instead of seeing the situation for what it was, I kept telling myself I was the one with the problem, and some of the manipulative women I dated were very quick to shove that down my throat too. I sometimes want to blame them, because I think they should not be this way in the first place. However, I realize that I'm the one in control, and it's up to me to separate myself from people like this. I think it was because things moved along faster, and I got caught up in my feelings for the girl.

 

The other part of it, as I've mentioned, is my lack of self-confidence and insecurity, which I am sure contributed to the demise of these relationships. I certainly don't say I am free from blame, but the things I've done are not nearly on the scale as what I have been put through.

 

ladybug, thanks for the compliment!

[bms85]

COME ON GUYS!!!! not here to make fun of you or any of that jaz so please don't take it that way, but lets be men here. yes we have feelings but sitting around feeling bad that we don't have a girlfriend isn't going to get us one. and closing your mind to all but one night stands won't help either. I've just ended a four year relationship with an amazing girl I love VERY much, right before the holiday. this will be my first holiday single in seven years, and I don't feel I'm as bad off as you.

 

Life is too short be worry that you'll be alone for ever, just do what makes you happy and chances are you'll find a woman that likes you and you're hobbies along the way. Try link removed its great to find people into the same things as you. if you're bored one day post a craigs list ad looking for a hiking partner. you might get a guy, you might get a girl who really cares?

[NewPhillyGuy]

I do have days when I have such enthusiasm, but today is just not one of them.

[hers]

Did you go to speed dating?

[dvlsmd]

Hey,

 

its okay, I feel the same way too. I'm going through a divorce and it feels empty to not have someone special. I've done the one night stands, but they mean nothing and make me even more depressed. I think you have to realize your self worth and be confident, that is always attractive in a man. Insecurity is not attractive. Think of all your good qualities, and don't look for love, because love will find you. That's just the way it works, everything comes to you when you least expect it and are not looking for it. That is why I have stopped the onlline dating thing. It just seems so superficial to me. Concentrate on something else, trust me I know it is hard because I am in the same ballpark as you. Be patient and do not freak out. Life is full of unexpected events, that is what makes it exciting. Focus on the positive aspects of yourself.

[jasper01]

I agree with your therapist, you are not screwed up. She probably knows you will find someone else that has similar problems. That you have issues with security and choose people who are threatened by that and get angry, not a problem though it may look like one. Your subconscious mind does that in a backwards attempt to heal the issues you have with security.

 

The next step is to learn how to understand yourself and how you came to have these issues, along with understanding of the people you tend to be attracted to and how they came to be that way. Your therapist may help with that.

 

The best you can do is find someone who will have this understanding with you, and the two of you can work together on what is really happening and do less of the getting sucked into the acting out of issues. That just hasn't happened yet. Patience..and more awareness.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Did you go to speed dating?

 

I tried to...It was in an area I've never been to. I plugged the location into my GPS, but when I got there, it was in the middle of nowhere. I supposed I could have asked around to find it, but at that point, I was already an hour late and I knew I had at least an hour ride to get back home, so I was just like forget it.

 

I just talked to a friend on the way home and relaxed some more when I got back. I don't really care that I missed it - hanging out at some bar for a few hours, big deal. It's not really my thing anyway. I just thought it would be something to do instead of sitting at home.

[Grace]

I don't think people just fall into 2 catagories, screwed up and not screwed up. From what I've seen pretty much everyone is screwed up to an extent with pretty much no exceptions, its just a matter of finding someone whose crazys work well with yours.

 

Although of course at the same time, no relationship can survive if one is not happy with themselves to begin with yadda yadda yadda...Its a matter of figuring out what you need to work on day to day, accepting that it can't be completely fixed in a week or a decade, finding a way to be happy in spite of that, then its about finding a partner to enjoy life with...

[NewPhillyGuy]

The next step is to learn how to understand yourself and how you came to have these issues, along with understanding of the people you tend to be attracted to and how they came to be that way. Your therapist may help with that.

 

There are few things I've learned about myself while this last relationship was breaking down.

 

1) I realized that I don't trust my own judgment about people. When people do things that I see as a red flag, I still stick it out with them although it really bothers me, because I feel like I can't trust my own gut and feelings. The therapist and a book I am reading helped me to realize it's because my parents put me down alot as I was growing up and didn't really talk to me about how I felt so much. I think this is why I have stayed with people in the past who were not good for me. I thought I needed to change the way I felt, and I tried really hard to do that, but I just couldn't. I stayed in some situations that were really bad for me.

 

2) Why am I so insecure? I haven't been able to figure out the answer to this one yet. I think it has to do with being with some people who didn't treat me very well, but it's my fault for staying with them in the first place. From the very first relationship I had in high school, I realized I was insecure then. I had no prior experience then, so I'm not sure where it came from. This is something I'm trying to work out.

[stereoeclectic]

I've been in 2 long-term relationships, and both of them were disastrous. Both were unstable women, but I also realize that my insecurity played a role and made them even worse.

 

I am definitely picking the wrong people over and over.

 

Sometimes, I just feel like giving up.

 

same here. i gave up dating about a year ago.

 

i'd like to give you the "do as i say, not as i do" advice. keep trying.

[Umlunguusa]

Wow--you are dating girls like I do! I mean, I only had my last gf only for about 2-3 months--yet for some reason, I loved her so much, (and prior, I dated a girl for much longer, and felt nothing) that my healing period is taking longer than the actual breakup!

 

I have no clue what I should do myself...she haunts me like a spectre that won't go away...and I hear about her all the time, and it just hurts. I f**king hate it so much, I do.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Wow--you are dating girls like I do! I mean, I only had my last gf only for about 2-3 months--yet for some reason, I loved her so much, (and prior, I dated a girl for much longer, and felt nothing) that my healing period is taking longer than the actual breakup!

 

I have no clue what I should do myself...she haunts me like a spectre that won't go away...and I hear about her all the time, and it just hurts. I f**king hate it so much, I do.

 

Oh, really? What are some of the traits you've seen in these girls that concerned you?

[bms85]

I do have days when I have such enthusiasm, but today is just not one of them.

 

feeling any better today? is this a constant problem for you or is it something that just hits you every once and a while... I think getting the blues is normal, everyone gets down. I'm doing the best career wise I've ever been but the other day I had one of those days where you feel an impending doom is right around the corner.

 

Is there a reason you're so concerned that you'll never find a girl? I think I might be the opposite of you, I'm scared I will find a girl and it will mess things up.