Man who likes his freedon...A chance in hell?

[twrtwn]

The man I love: went through a hurtful divorce after 23 years faithful, now has been single for 6 years, played the field, got very independent, accustomed to his freedom and enjoyed his life and all his hobbies.

Now he meets me, fell for me and stayed with me for 1 1/2 years - very attentive, loving, faithful, devoted and put effort into things. Happy & content (on his own account). We honestly had a great relationship on all levels I truly believe on both parts. But I have not always been #1 priority.

The man is accustom to his freedom. Protects it in fact and is very independent. Has many, many hobbies and enjoys hunting, fishing, camping and many home projects - with no pressure from my part to continue those things. I also am independent and not clingy. Only pressure he may have felt is my telling him "I miss him" at times. I don't want to marry again, just know we are going in the same direction, to be together (in whatever way) in the future. Living together or whatever. Right now it's not an option due to jobs which we both understood - "for now".

Now he ends it, suddenly, with no real valid reasons other than the hour distance we live apart. Which has never bothered him before.

I have read a lot, on this site and other trying to understand all this. I have read a lot about a man and his freedom and fear of losing it.

I am in NC - although love him so much.

In your experiences, do men that are in fear of losing thier freedom ever realize they made a mistake and want you back. Do they get lonely and miss the hell out of you or do they rationalize because the "freedom fear" is talking.

What are the chances?

[bms85]

I think I can relate to your situation quite a bit so I'll try to answer it based on my own thoughts.

 

A little back story on myself so that you can compare me to the guy in your post. I'm only 23 so I'm still young, but I've made my mistakes and learned from them. I now run an extremely successful business I started from scratch, take about four months off a year to travel the world, climb mountains, hike, fish, camp, kayak, and my newest hobby is scuba diving. I've been in two long term relationships in my life; one for 3 years and one for four. I consider myself extremely independent.

 

From my perspective my freedom is quite literally the most important thing in the world to me. I have even wrote and signed a personal promise to not sacrifice my freedom for any reason. Not because I'm selfish but because I'm very unhappy any other way. Occasionally a woman will come along and sweep me off my feet, in this case it is easy to forget how depressed I get when the relationship slows down, and my hobbies become their nuisance. or when my hobbies are "interfering with our relationship". I know it sounds horrible to some woman, but these things are what make me feel alive.

 

I have been in the same situation except I left my last four year relationship giving her the reason "our lives are going in different directions" I try to make it clear to anyone I get serious with that I have very specific life goals.When they try to get me to change them quoting our relationship and getting all upset that they "aren't important" I feel bad, but I'm not going to live unhappy over a relationship; no matter how much I love that person.

 

I have to say I broke up with one of the most amazing girls I've ever known over my freedom, She is beautiful and would give me the world. I trusted her with my life and knew she would NEVER let me down. I miss her, but I don't see leaving her as a mistake, she will get over me, I'll get over her, and we'll eventually find someone/thing more right for ourselves. make any sense?

 

Its not an irrational fear for some people, and its not just men. My sister is the same way. To us climbing mountains is more important than white picket fences.

[twrtwn]

Thank you for your perspective and I may have been with your match! It sounds like you informed you ex gf early on what's important to you. I could only go by my ex's actions and he never told me all those things were most important. He wa marreid 23 years and told me he'd still be married if she hadn't changed. He liked being married and monogamy. Maybe his ex got the same treatment??? Anyway, that told me he could deal with a long-term relationship. Add to that, I never once stopped him or put up a fuss when he had his things to do. In fact I gave him space. I am also really independent and have my friends and things I like & need to do. All I wanted to know is that....when off doing his things...he's miss me and soon make some time for me/us. He pursued everything he wanted and then some. I think you can also develop mutual interests but that didn't seem to be real important to him either. I am seeing we weren't matched but I still feel bad - I had to fall for someone who really didn't find a relationship that important. Thanks for your imput.

[twrtwn]

One question; you said someday you'll find someone/thing that's more right for you. What type of woman would that be?

Women, in general, want and need to be loved and relationships are very important to most women, not all as in your sisters case, but most (as you can see the majority on this site). Many of us are very independent ourselves but still want and need to make time for the man, the relationship, because you need contact and time together to grow together, to grow the relationship, it's like the glue...you know? Not anything more....That doesn't mean daily or even weekly, but effort must be made.

You sound very mature for 23 by the way to have all your life goals already signed and documented. Wow...I wish life could be that simple and I had all my goals all sorted out at 23.....it would have saved me a lot of problems and heartache.

Good luck climbing your mountains - just don't end up in a landslide with a woman.

[bms85]

That would be a woman that enjoyed the same things I do, I don't NEED to be independent with everything if we're right for eachother. I have a LOT of love to give and am willing to bend over backwards to show the people around me I care. My problem is I tend to meet women that love to spend money, my goal is minimalist I want an underground house I can shut down all winter while I travel without worrying about my pipes freezing or huge gas bills. The idea is once everything is payed off nearly every dollar I earn can be enjoyed. The woman I tend to meet want a 250k house right out of college. I want companionship, just not with someone that will interfere with my goals. I love to be loved

 

I wasn't saying you were, in fact from you're post you seemed to be more relaxed than most. since I am not you're guy I can't speak for him, I just hoped to give you a similar view and make sure you didn't get your hopes up too high about him missing you... sometimes its better to move on. if he comes back at least that way you'll be in a position emotionally to demand answers without getting too involved and giving in to weak excuses.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

When people end things suddenly with no apparent conflict before the end, there's a good chance that he might have found another woman closer to home to date, so it has nothing to do with him wanting freedom in general, just freedom to date someone new.

 

Most people who leave for someone else rarely give that as the excuse because they don't want the emotional fallout or to appear as the bad guy. So they give some nebulous excuse and off they go with the new person.

 

So don't spend too much time analyzing this... just get out and go looking for someone who does want to be with you.

[twrtwn]

We obviously have different situations.....and I hate that that is the type you attract. But, no, I am not that way and neither was he. Money was not our problem, at least my goal. I've made it on my own and so has he....although he made mention...in the future, retirement, could I take care of myself? If I moved in with him(?), could I get a job brecause he could'nt suppory both of us. He was more worried about that. I am not about money but about the relationship. I believe if two people love each other you have to understand each others goals, morals, desires and interests and take care of each other so each can be their best and, above all, take care of the relashionship.

PS....why are you on this site hon (?), if you have goals, know what you want, are successful and don't really need anyone who detracts from those goals? I do appreciate your insight - but you are very young - but very mature... i can see that.

[twrtwn]

Thank you so much for responding....and I appreciate your perspective. Knowing this man, I can honestly say....another woman, right now, is not his style. He emphasized to me time and time again he was faithful for 23 years to his wife and that was big to him. He was always honest to me, to a fault, and, in fact, I learned, if you didn't want an honest answer, don't ask. Plus, he had no time to find anyone else, since, whenever he had time for us....he made it happen. He had his hands full and i really could account for his time. I don't believe, after knowing his honesty, and what he went through with his end marriage, he would have any respect for anyone that led someone on. Right up until hunting and Thanksgiving, he was right there with me (and, not being arogant, he was totally into me as far as chemistry and interest). I don't feel he had time to meet and be swept away by someone else and thar short amount of time. He is slow, deliberate, sceptical in style. Honesty and integrity.....I felt confident in that.....

He told me his ex had a problem too because he was verbal about his sentiment but I guess, I couldn't last 23 years that way. I do think he cared about me in the only way he could. It hurts bad. we had so much chemistry, got each other and had so much fun together. But you are right. I need more and he isn't a deep person. It hurts so bad because when we were together - he even said he was content when I asked him why he didn't go out anymore when I wasn't around and you know....you can just tell when someone is happy and content. I sure as heel, am in tune to looking for all the signals. I sure didn't see any. Plus, I knew his friends, family and all said he was so happy with me. he even diss'd his best buds who would cheat.

I appreciate you're caring enough to respond. I know I deserve and need more but am so lonely, and feel so degeted and worth a better future and relationship......but....he was such a great match and admitted that to me. He showed his love in other ways...but you are right.....saying I love you and wanting to hear that is not bad and you shouldn't feel made to feel bad for wanting that. I feel so damn alone right now and I know, rather than feeling, he is just delving into another hobby or project, just to not deal with any of it.

I wish he would be missing me and feeling bad but he is so not in touch with his feelings, i dooubt it.

Thank you so much for your caring to respond. Yhis has been so hard. Take care

[bms85]

I joined this site years ago over sexual issues with my ex girlfriend. basically she never wanted to have sex for no apparent reason, definitely not something I was used to. I've always had a very healthy sex life. I was pretty torn up about it. Now I'm here because I'm falling in love with a girl that is heavily addicted to prescription opiates and needed a little advice.

 

I might have everything else in order, but my emotional decisions are horrible. I can talk a millionaire into pricey contracts, but emotional stuff scares/confuses me to no end. I had a rough growing up, I got into a lot of trouble and lost a LOT of my friends to drugs, accidents, and suicide. Three of which were childhood best friends I had known since before kindergarten.

 

I decided at a young age I wanted to do something with my life that would allow me to enjoy it and not have to take crap from some boss who thinks their salary gives them the right to look down on everyone else.

 

I wasn't trying to imply that money was your issue, without even knowing your whole situation that was the last thought on my mind as you hadn't mentioned it. I was simply going over how some women in my life had pulled a Houdini on me and tried to "house break me". In my opinion I think there is more to what your boyfriend says than he is letting on, why would someone "honest to a fault" just up and leave with little to no real explanation. After a year and a half you deserve more than that.

 

Furthermore, You seem like a well put together intelligent woman. From the little you've written so far I can tell a lot; you don't exhibit any of the signs that would typically scare this "type" of man away. You sound legit when you say you let him be himself and maintain his hobbies and you're writing with your brain looking for answers not your emotions. I feel as if my fear of loosing my freedom succeeds the guy you're referring to and you haven't set off a single alarm for me. If you've posted all the relevant info on your situation I can understand why you're confused.

[cruzer]

Im male, i have this one hobby that i do pretty much all of my free time. Im young, ive never been in love, i may not know the true meaning of love, but if i met someone and i loved her, i would not let her ruin or make me give up my hobby, but i would be willing to do my hobby less often to be with her, in a since putting her ahead of me, her feelings and wants ahead of mine. There will always be times where she wont be around for a few hours and i can go do my hobby. my hobby will never leave me because i did not spend enough time doing it or caring for it.

[crab62]

here's what hurts...

 

you will probably never really know why why do nice men leave?... why do kind men leave?... why do they leave when the relationship is going well? God only knows... in all seriousness.

 

My exbf did the same thing 5 weeks ago after dating 1yr. Granted, we had tiny issues, but nothing monumental in anyway. Instead of bringing sushi on November 7th, he brought my things in a bag Shocked the living heck out of me. ... and I know alot of people say when men leave like this, it's another woman.. but like you, I don't think so. I found out he's on a singles website already... so if he had a "girl", I doubt he'd be cruising the sites... but who knows. I think he (my exbf) just wanted to be single again... I think he's a confirmed bachelor. I was good for a while, but my "shelflife" was over... took me off, dusted the shelf... and is ready for a new piece (no punn intended, LOL) to put on his shelf.

 

I begged for him not to go. He did anyway... kissed me and said "goodbye".

 

I know your shock, I know your hurt. Maybe they just didn't love us enough even though they said the words and their actions showed us the same. Maybe they are just not committment type men. I don't care anymore why he left. He's an a$$... and for however kind he was, hetrumped all that by his cold hearted ruthless leaving.

 

Who knows... but you'll spin your head until it falls off trying to figure it out.

 

Unfortunately, the only way through is forward.. on your own, through the pain...

 

I'm sorry. I really am. I know how much it hurts. I wish this guy who are not committed would just stay the heck out of relationships.

 

PM me if you want... I would be happy to chat if you are sad.

[twrtwn]

You really have had your share of * * * * in your short lifetime. But boy, do you have your head on straight. I think we all have insecurities and nobody alive doesn't have some weak area and I see you have figured that out too. Your attraction to people who don't have their head on straight! I wish you luck with your new honey....but remember, don't get too involved in trying to "fix" her problem. It will only drag you down and as you said, feeling bad is not where you want to be. A relationship is not worth dragging you down or losing your independece.

I really appreciate all your insight. Nobody seems to make sense of this. I have heard so many theories, from friends also. My mother even chimed in her opinion that I scared him off trying to feel him out about his future intentions & goals. My girlfriends have said none of those things, after 1 1/2 years should be subjects you should be afraid to approach. Something spooked him or this tim of year pushes him into some sort of depression. Also, I wonder how invested he ever really was - like just wanted a fun companion who he gets a long with. The minute the relationship turns real with real life issues, problems, life forces and dealing with future realities - bam - gone. I have heard the "found someone else" theories quite a bit but i can honestly say, from knowing how his long marriage ended and how he talked about buddies doing the affair/cheating thing, he had total disgust for that. We even talked about it one time and he said he wouold leave me before he would get anything started with anyone else (which he has done), but, I can account for the majority of his time. He was very attentive and very loyal and honest and always told me about his days or if he hit the local saloon and even who was there and how long he stayed. There wasn't much time he didn't account for until the weekend before he decided to end it. I really don't think he'd fall for someone that fast and end things just from meeting someone that quickly. Just my gut feeling from knowing him. If anything, he wouldn't want to plunge into something that fast and have more responsibilities to someone else. He is slow and deliberate and stable from all I know. But i guess i didn't know him all that well or I wouldn't b in this boat right now, huh?

I really thank you and value all your opinions and you sharing your struggles also. Though they are different, we are all dealing with difficult situations in our lives and just trying to sort it all out....and it helps to just unload too.

[catfeeder]

Dear twrtwn,

You've been on my mind since I read your post last night. I recall you writing about this earlier, and I know you're hurting so badly. I wish there was something we on these boards could say or do to make this easier for you. I'd like to share a self-healing strategy that I've had to reach for a few times myself, unfortunately. I hope it helps.

 

First, I do grasp all the purist notions that we should just be able to miraculously drop all hopes and fantasies about Mr. Heartbreaker ever returning and suddenly perk up to our newfound goal of living only for the Self. Frankly, I think anyone who advises that stuff has themselves been free of heartbreak waaay too long to remember what it's actually like--or else they've never been hurt deeply enough to understand.

 

That's why I quit trying to drop my hopes and fantasies, but rather co-opted them into something constructive, instead. I decided how I'd want Mr. Heartbreaker to respond when he sees me at some point in the future, say in 6 months or a year. Will I be an ugly, joyless shriveled up mess with no private achievements under my belt since he left me, or will I be fabulous? Will he admire me for not missing a beat on improving my appearance, my social life and my self-confidence as I've done just fine without him, or will he despise me for selfishly wasting my gifts to this planet while crawling into a shell of a person? Will he be sorry for his loss, or will he feel nothing but relief for having unloaded me?

 

I would consciously make these choices every morning as I woke up, and my decisions would set the tone for my day. I put in extra effort to be kind and loving toward every person who crossed my path, and I started extending myself to family and friends in helpful ways. I became a quiet, humble, grateful participant in my own sphere even while I indulged in great skin and hair care and vitamins and good foods and exercise--and before I knew it, I looked as beautiful as I started to feel.

 

I hope you'll invest in making this a wonderful Christmas for your son, and maybe one or two other people who deserve some attention. I also hope your spirits will lift, and you'll enjoy your own pride and generosity in the face of some heartbreaker who's too self-involved to know what he's done. At the moment, anyway.

 

In your corner.

[twrtwn]

Dear Crab62,

Thank you so much for responding and your insight. I am feeling really low and angry today. You are so right when you said, if he's so nice, he would not have done this. he knew clearly my goals and what I was looking for and took me for the ride anyway. That was selfish or his heart can't go any deeper and he can't allow another person into his bachlor life. That all spells selfish or loveless.'

I am sad and thank you for understanding. I just wish I could wash him from my mind and heart and I know someday that will happen and I know I have to stop questioning, why, why, why because i doubt I'll ever know. It just is and the only thing I can do is move on. My problem I face right now is the loneliness. I didn't even realize, despite my independence, how much of my thoughts and actions were built around our relationship. There's such a huge void now. I am not happy going out, I feel lost among my friends (who I mentioned are all married), I am not happy staying in yet I feel no interest in being social or "putting on a happy face." The only thing I am happy about is that today is half over and soon i can go to bed again and maybe sleep and not think and then I can go to work tomorrow and have my mind on other things. I am an Recreation Dir. in a nursing home and I am the one who has to cheer everyone else up! What a joke huh? Somehow I have to pull it together. And Christmas time really brings on the blues for my people. So it's a catch 22.

I am usually the fun one. I am the one cracking everyone up at work and at social parties. I have always been the life of the party. It makes me sick that a selfish man has that power over me.

What is really pathetic is I've been married 3 times and still want another relationship. You'd think I'd turn lesbian or numb or something. I was marreid really young for all the wrong reasons. Met someone shortly after that who I married and had my son (the only blessing from that whole thing). He was abusive and immature. We divorced when I was 27 and I never marrried again for 17 years (dated alot but was going to wait for Mr. perfect) until along came, what I thought, the perfect man. He was perfect and found out that he made himself perfect so he could marry me. Then it all came out that he also was abusive & bi-polar!!!! Can you believe that? I had to finally get a restraining order.

So, as you can see, I have had my share of * * * * with men. I must have that magnet they talk about for bad men. Everone said this one (my recent ex) will work because i didn't pick him. My brother knew him and set us up. Now that doesn't even work. I think I should swear off men because of all the pain but my heart isn't wired that way. I just fall in love easily, love to be in love and enjoy having a man in my life (when it's good).

So.....on and on I go but I imagine I will get over this one too only to find the next heartbreaker. And the story of my life will continue.

Thank you again for your story and I really wish you luck. If you are 5 months into this, you should be waking up pretty happy now. Do you feel over him yet?

[twrtwn]

Thank you again for another insightful relpy. You are the first one i have heard from that didn't basically say "just deal' or "pull yourself up, brush yourself off and get on with it - he's not worth your while'. Although all that is true and I'm sure I'd be much better off today, but as you said, maybe they haven't been hurt enough to know.

I do know I have to stop questioning in my head, why, why, why. I also realize I did my best. I know my mistakes were probably trying to explore the future with him when he wasn't ready or even thinking that way with me. I am now at the anger stage. One nice responder pointed out that if he was such a nice guy, he wouldn't have done this since I made it clear early on my intentions and what I wanted in my future, yet he took me for the ride anyway. Not so nice!

I do like your perspective. I amy not be over him but would I want him to know that I am a big puddle of tears smoking & drinking and doing whatever I can to kill this pain. No, I would not want him to think he has this power over me. I doubt I'll ever meet up with him or run into him in six months or ever since we live far apart but no, I would not want him to think he is destroying me.

I had no idea, despite my independent nature, how much of my thinking and actions had to do with our relationship. I have this huge void which was so ocuppied by "us". I don't feel happy out of the house, I don't feel like I fit with my frineds (who I mentioned are all married - supportive, but married) and I'm not happy sitting home either but feel totally unsociable. And I hate the thought he's not missed a beat. He can easily get absorbed in another one of his hobbies or projects.

What makes me sick too is I am the one who generally makes people laugh. I crack everyone up at work or when out with my peeps. I am the life of the party. And he has made me feel like this! And the happiest part of my whole weekend is knowing today is half over and I can go to bed and hopefully sleep long enough to forget for a while. And, this long, lonely weekend will be over. I'll go to work tomorrow and try to and cheer people up somehow. Ironically I am a Recreational Director in a nursing home. I am the one who has to make everyone happy and this time of year is rough on most of them. How do I slap the smile on?

I will try your perspective and I know I have no recourse but to move on.....but damn it hurts. And damn, I miss him. And damn, there's huge void now.

Why couldn't I be a lesbian? Or numb. You know, you'd think by now, I'd learn. I've been marreid three times. Once very young for all the wrong reasons. Divorced. Found another right away and got married again in my early 20's. Had my son (the only blessing the man gave me) and he ended up to be an alcoholic, abusive and very immature. So 17 years go by with more dating and heartbreaks waiting for Mr. perfect (so as you can see, i should be the one to write the book on who "not to fall for"). Finally Mr. Perfect dd come along (or so he preteded to be until I married him). The stereotypical control freak abuser with bi-polar!!!! Talk about a horrible experience. I finally had to get a restraing order to get him out of my life. That didn't hurt - it was a relief!

My friends said when I met my recent ex - that this one will be the one because I didn't pick him, my brother knew him and introduced us! And I burned throough this one too. They say there are magnets for bad men and I am one of them. My ex wasn't a bad one though, at least until now. I almost wish he had be cruel or mean or a cheater or something so I could hate him more.

I just have a huge heart for people and love easy - hence my career choice. But my heart has taken such a pounding.

Well, thank you again for your philosephy and I will try to make myself get up in the morning and decide to be the person I would want to be if I ever ran into him. And today, in my PJ's, smelling of stale smoke (and I don't even smoke unless I am hugely stressed!) and hung over would not be the picture of what I would want him to see of me. It is horrible someone coul dhave this affect on me.

Thank you for thinking of me and sharing your wisdom and your concrn.

[crab62]

Do you feel over him yet?

 

I'm only 5 weeks post break-up... and no, I'm far from over him. I'm out of the "shattering" phase I think... the phase that is shocking that leaves your guts feeling like they are hanging out. The phase where you can't sleep or eat or do anything, but feel pain. I am thankfully out of that part of the break-up.

 

but I am into the lonliness part like you. Don't be too hard on yourself. When you give yourself to someone, and when you spend time with them, it's normal to feel lonely without them. They were a part of our lives for a long time, and it's only normal to miss their presense... even if they were jerks. We all have selective memory... remembering only the good, and unfortunately easily forgetting the bad.

 

You just have to be strong and know that you will heal one day. Do what you can do everyday to get out... that's what I do. Even if it's just to the bookstore, or the grocery store, it feels good. On days I work, I walk extra to and from work from the train... just to feel the cold in my face and see all the people walking... because it's still life. I still have my life even though he's not in it... and I have to embrace that.

 

Give yourself sometime before beating yourself up that you're not who you used to be. You're still grieving, and that's totally normal.

 

Hang in there... but do try to get out... it helps. Everything seems smaller when you get outside for some reason.... try not to stay in and focus on him and why why why. He's not worth it, and he's not worth you.

 

There's more fish in the sea... and I'm back swimming... and I'm gonna find me a good one this time... and so you will you!

 

{{{HUGS}}}}

[twrtwn]

Thank you once again. You sound like you really have your head on straight. You deserve a good one! With a good heart too!

[bms85]

Don't give up on men so easily we're not all bad, and Don't let anyone else tell you when or how to grieve. You'll get over it when you're ready, and it will only have made you stronger. Remember one door closed another opened.

 

Maybe you could be honest with your residents.You could let them know they cheer you up, I'd assume most have the blues because they feel alone or unneeded