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Had brief contact after breaking up 10 months ago ...


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my ex and i broke up after 5 years of being together early this year in feb. i got tired of being ignored and frankly gave him an ultimatum of he either get his act together or i'm gone. so he ended things as he said he felt he was holding me back and that he wanted to get himself in a better situation work wise. so things ended.

 

we didn't have any contact after the last email of that week (long distance). i was miserable for a few days but ok as i'd gotten used to not hearing from him.

 

fast forward to yesterday, stupid me when looking him up on facebook accidentally sent him a friend request. i sent him a message after apologizing for sending him a friend request and to please disregard it as i didn't want to be friends.

 

later on that day, i got a message from him asking how i was doing and he felt it was a shame i didn't want to be friends, but understands. he said i meant a lot to him and misses us chatting. he also mentioned he had thought about contacting me before, but didn't because he wasn't sure how i'd feel. he ended saying that if i ever want to talk or be friends of any capacity that he's there. and that was it.

 

i'm choosing not to respond as in a way, how he treated me still bothers me. it's tempting to say again how he made me feel, but i think it will open up old wounds.

 

i figure i could pretend to respond to him and write him a letter and then burn it, but i dunno, has anyone dealt with a similar situation where you hear from your ex by accident, but know you're not going to respond because you're still hurt?

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I think its good to write stuff out and just to get things out of your chest but not sending it to your ex. I tend to do that sometimes when i get hurt i sit down and write and it does help me but I dont send it. i write about it read it and throw it away because in some form it helps me.

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Yup, I understand. Not a good idea to attempt friendship when what you really want is to hash over all the reasons he should feel bad.

 

Let's just say it doesn't make you feel good.

 

I'd write myself a letter instead from the POV of some objective observer who isn't out to make me into a saint and him the villain. I'd see how well I can look at my past with honesty--and how well I can learn how to handle MYself differently in the future. His stuff isn't your problem to manage, so I'd skip all that. Focus on how you'd manage your own responses more productively if a future BF should ever behave like the past one, instead.

 

FORward!

 

In your corner.

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thanks for the responses. i got so pissed at myself for stupid me clicked on his profile thinking i wouldn't see anything and lo and behold, it said he was in a relationship. it hit me like a ton of bricks so i held it in for 2 hours until i was driving over to meet a friend for a gift exchange.

 

i balled for a half hour. i thought i would be ok when i met up with my friend, but started to cry again. i'm so glad she was there because i just wanted a hug from someone and to let out the stupid fact he was now in a relationship after less than a year of ending our 5 year relationship.

 

of course, who knows if it's serious or whatever. they could have met a month ago as far as i'm concerned. but boy, it all those feelings came rushing back of how i felt when we were about to break up and how angry i was.

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You were doing fine before and you will do fine again... it was just a little hiccup and it touched a nerve, but you know if you go NC with him you are fine, so just go back to that and don't contact him again.

 

Five years is a long time to be together so of course you will still have a soft spot for him. It is like finding a picture in a drawer of someone who died, and the sad memories come back. This is nothing more than that, and it will pass if you just go back into no contact with him.

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Some may disagree with me, but I would not give him your friendship when he did not treat you right in the relationship. By not telling you of his disinterest in staying with you sooner, he forced you to be the one to confront him about his disinterest, and wasted your time and emotions. So, no, he does not deserve your friendship. You can either tell him that, or you can stay silent-- whatever one works better for you is what you should do.

 

And then hold your head up and find someone who wants to be with you and not ignore you!

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Some may disagree with me, but I would not give him your friendship when he did not treat you right in the relationship. By not telling you of his disinterest in staying with you sooner, he forced you to be the one to confront him about his disinterest, and wasted your time and emotions. So, no, he does not deserve your friendship. You can either tell him that, or you can stay silent-- whatever one works better for you is what you should do.

 

And then hold your head up and find someone who wants to be with you and not ignore you!

 

Nope. No disagreement here. I'm with you on making my own private 'no friends' rule on exes. They're eXes for a reason. That's not hostile, it's just true.

 

While I understand it's all very popular to try to appear so mature, I'm done with that. I think of it as wanting things two ways--and there are all kinds of head-gamey consequences that aren't worth the price unless there are children involved.

 

My best,

CF

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I replied to his message earlier saying that i didn't feel there was anything left to say and that i don't feel he deserves my friendship at this point in time. i told him i was glad he was doing well and to take care.

 

his response if that's how you feel, then fine. I thought you might have been less hostile, but I guess not.

 

Bwhahaha, dumas. Whatever. I'm good and so much better today. Now it's time to go write that horrible letter and just move on. I'll toss it in the shredder

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Exactly. You go, Monkey. You are NOT being hostile. You even wished him well. HE feels upset because on some level, he realizes that he wronged you and he feels guilty. If you are his friend, you alleviate his guilt by letting him know you don't hold him responsible for it. So he resents that you are letting him feel guilt. Well, let him. He was a jerk and he wasted your time. You are ex's for a reason-- no reason to come through for him when he did not come through for you.

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Exactly. You go, Monkey. You are NOT being hostile. You even wished him well. HE feels upset because on some level, he realizes that he wronged you and he feels guilty. If you are his friend, you alleviate his guilt by letting him know you don't hold him responsible for it. So he resents that you are letting him feel guilt. Well, let him. He was a jerk and he wasted your time. You are ex's for a reason-- no reason to come through for him when he did not come through for you.

 

Sing it blemished!!!

 

I could have been a total biotch in the response, and it was probably a bit harsh, but hey I'm glad he's doing well, or so he says.

 

I was talking to my roommate and we both agreed that if I was his friend, it would make him feel better. I think that's why he thinks it's a shame we can't be friends. I thought "A shame? Shame for who? I'm doing totally fine without him ... he probably feels pissed that I'm not longer in his life and that he was hoping if I was his friend it was a way to 'forgive' his behavior against me."

 

It's just interesting that he said that he was there for me if i wanted to talk. seriously, I did a whole lotta talking and emailing those last few weeks of the relationship. He on the other hand didn't. I'm certainly not stopping him from saying anything from me. And I certainly haven't been waiting for him to come back to me saying he was sorry for being a jerk to me. He certainly could have said something in those messages, but chose not to. Not my problem.

 

I actually have a couple gift certificates that I won in some wellness package earlier this year that i haven't used up. One of the things included in the package was 3 sessions with a life coach. Guess what I'm doing finally? Filling out the questionnaire and such because it's the end of the year, it's time to continue improving on myself as I have been since the relationship. Sure i may cry, but it will be good for me to feel the pain and then learn to heal one day at a time ...

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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