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So I just wrote this post previously and it wasn't posted (argghh!!!) so I will try and get the gist of what I wrote again.

 

Basically, my now ex-boyfriend and I were together for 5 months, 3 months officially. We broke up because he felt that he could not make me happy and that he was not mature enough to give me everything that I want. Just offhand (I discussed this situation in other forums) everyone was saying that I should just cut my losses and listen to what he says; he's telling me that he can't make me happy and I should find someone who can! (Which I agree with) however, I feel like there's more to the story!

 

I jumped into this relationship about 2 weeks after a year plus relationship that ended extremely badly. The year plus relationship was probably one of the most volatile relationships that I've ever been; it was full of arguing and lack of trust. I was insecure throughout the entire duration of the relationship and I placed the burden of my complete happiness on my then-boyfriend's shoulders (something that is completely unrealistic, as happiness should come from within and a boyfriend should add happiness to what you already have). After our breakup, instead of giving it the proper grievance period and learning from the relationship I pretty much jumped into a new one extremely quickly.

 

Since I barely had anytime to think about the past relationship and to learn from it, as you can guess, nothing really changed. I was still the same girlfriend I was in the past relationship as I was in this current one (that just recently ended). We argued, I was still insecure and I still placed the burden of complete happiness upon my boyfriend's shoulders. Of course he, as I stated above, did not feel like he could do this -- he could not make me happy and he was not mature enough to give me everything I needed. How could he?! I was one of his first true relationships and I jumped into it without even thinking that it was doomed from the beginning (since I didn't do anything to change).

 

Now that we're apart, I want to get him back! I'm just scared that I won't be able to since he's sure that he can't make me happy and since he's not mature enough for me. How can I make him see that I was immature and not ready for this relationship -- but now I am and now I really want to make strides into making things better! I'm afraid he won't believe me or still feel like he can't make me happy.

 

We still talk and he says he misses me and really wishes that things could've turned out differently. He says that he's still pretty confused over the whole thing and he's not even really sure what he wants, but it sounds like he's still pretty firm about his decision.

 

Is there any way that I can show him that the problems stemmed mostly from me and my unrealistic expectations?? Help!

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I would suggest explaining to him just what you did here. He's new to relationships and he's got that "Her happiness depends on me" mentality going on and you can show him that that's not how healthy relationships work. Explain to him that you now understand what it takes to make you happy (yourself!) and you can help him learn that for himself, as well. I think you two could really help each other in that respect and it might lead to a really great relationship.

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I agree. I think what you have written shows maturity and clear headedness. Since you two are on such good terms, don't see why it would hurt to share this with him. You might still want some space for some time being, so that he can trust that the changes are real... but it's movement in the right direction.

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  • 1 month later...

hey cdizzle, i just replied to your previos post, and funny thing is i kinda discussed the very thing you are talking about in this post!!!

I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but i think we really have a lot in common, and i would like to talk to you a bit about some of this stuff (maybe we can help each other).

Anyway let me how that sounds to ya. My Email is email removed

 

hope to hear from ya, like i said we're really in the same boat on this one!!! Its also cool that you are a girl (different perspective). And i could use some feedback as well.

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We still talk and he says he misses me and really wishes that things could've turned out differently. He says that he's still pretty confused over the whole thing and he's not even really sure what he wants, but it sounds like he's still pretty firm about his decision.

 

Is there any way that I can show him that the problems stemmed mostly from me and my unrealistic expectations?? Help!

 

Hey CDizzle...

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Although it seems a little difficult, I would take the long view on this one. You say that it was your fault that the relationship ended, because you burdened the new guy with your insecurities and baggage from the previous relationship...

I think it's great that you've been able to take responsibility for things they have done in a relationship. It shows real maturity to be able to do that and it's your first step to making things better.

Just because the guy admitted to you that he couldn't make you happy is not a bad thing!! In fact, it's a good thing! He is smart enough to notice that you are having insecurity issues, and who would he be to tell you that he's going to fix all your problems? That would be foolish of him! He was actually doing a good thing by being honest with you!

The best thing you can do in this situation is simply accept the fact that your relationship had trouble because of your own issues, then take a long look at those issues. Ask yourself what made you feel that way. Get to the bottom of it. You might find that you might be able to work through them with the guy you love. Try to be open with him. Let him know thats it not his fault, and that you are a bit upset, but that you trust him and want him to be there for you while you sort things out -- instead of telling him that he MUST make you happy. Take it easy on him, appreciate him because he does care for you, and just let him help you to feel happy and secure!

 

Best of Luck!

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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