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Oh my GOD, I've created a monster.


pseudofemme

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I don't even know where to begin with this one.

 

A few weeks ago, I discovered my boyfriend was logging onto his old account on a dating site (OKCupid) several times per day. I was upfront and asked him why, and he told me he just liked taking the tests there and studying how people present themselves in profiles, as a sort of a sociological study. This actually sounds like something he'd do, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt- he's usually a very sincere and honest person and I trust him. Plus, he has his status set as "seeing someone," so it's not like he was trying to present himself as being single.

 

Well, one time, when he didn't know I could see his computer screen, I noticed he was looking at lots of girls' pictures on the site. Okay, he's a guy, I know they do that kind of thing. However, out of curiosity, I decided to do a very sneaky underhanded thing that probably earned me 50 points of negative relationship karma: I made a fake account and sent him a message.

 

I made the fake profile for my account to be almost EVERYTHING he looks for in a girl, from appearance to personality to interests. And the message I sent was fairly long, but in a nutshell, said "Too bad you're taken; I think we'd get along really well."

 

He wrote back within a few hours to this message saying, even though he was taken, his "significant other" didn't share his perspective on a lot of issues, and he listed a few things that bothered him about me and said he would be interested in getting to know Fake Girl "platonically" because she had so many qualities he wished his girlfriend had.

 

I was hurt by some of the things he said about me, but I wrote back (again, in the fake account). One thing led to another, and now we've exchanged about 10 messages. He is still being faithful in the sense that he isn't hitting on her, but he's been spending about 4 hours EVERY night writing her these incredibly long messages. We live together, and the nights are the only time we have together due to work schedules- but now he sneaks off to a wifi cafe to write while I stay home, and by the time he gets back, we both just go to bed. Basically he's spending all his free time writing to Fake Girl (AKA me).

 

On one hand, I feel like the snoopiest, guiltiest, most devilish person right now, for going through with a scheme like this. I'm not generally jealous, but he and I have been talking about getting married, so I want to make sure that's actually a good idea.

 

I'm just so heartbroken now. He's trying to arrange a "platonic" meeting with this girl to talk over coffee.

 

I ask him what he does when he's off at the wifi place, and he tells me he's doing research or writing stories.

 

My question is: what should I do now? I've gone and created a really ugly awful monster- it's ENTIRELY my fault, I know, and I don't know how to kill it...

 

As I see it, I have a few options:

1) Fess up to my scheme, which will undoubtedly lead to a breakup.

2) Confront him and just bring up the criticisms of me he's made to this girl, and have a heart-to-heart talk to him about what he really wants and whether this relationship is good for both of us.

3) Have Fake Girl agree to a meeting, and then show up there myself, to shock him.

 

But wait, it gets better. Breaking up right now would make things incredibly complicated. He's been living with me for 3 months with NO money because he didn't have a job yet (he just moved from a different city)... and I've spent over $2000 in his groceries, gas and repairs for his car, utilities, rent.- all of which I've paid for both of us. I literally have to give him an allowance out of my own salary because he's penniless, and I've had to use my entire savings at this point, because my income is NOT enough for two people. He promised that as soon as he got a job, he'd reimburse me for rent and the other expenses. Thankfully, he recently got a job, but it will take him at least a month and a half to pay me back in full.

 

So if I give him the boot, A) he hasn't got paid yet so still has no money, and will have nowhere to go and no way to get there, and B) I'll be out 2 grand, because I doubt he'd pay me back after we broke up.

 

So I'm torn between confronting him NOW or waiting until he at least has money so he can move out.

 

At this point I am just emotionally a wreck, and I am certainly not in love with him any more, so I know a breakup is inevitable. How do balance the above issues to make this all work out?!

 

Thanks in advance.

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yikes. what a tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive...

 

i'd say to confront him. don't pretend you are the girl and meet up with him. but take some time out and tell him exactly what you did and tell him how you feel.

 

in my opinion, this is a forgiveable situation, so maybe after having a talk with him you won't have to break up. i understand though, that a lot of the trust is gone.

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I would tell him what you did. It will be very hard. But it doesn't mean you would break up. You can't call him out for being sneaky while you are still being sneaky. Be honest, tell him everything. If you want a chance at a relationship that is based on honesty and trust you have to start now. If you still want to work on it, if you think he is worth it, you really need to sit down with him and tell him.

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He's just looking for a friend.

 

He is still being faithful in the sense that he isn't hitting on her, but he's been spending about 4 hours EVERY night writing her these incredibly long messages.

 

He has not betrayed you in any way. You should be glad that you found such a naive and sincere guy.

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He's just looking for a friend.

 

He has not betrayed you in any way. You should be glad that you found such a naive and sincere guy.

 

he has betrayed her. he talked about a lot of the negative things about her, so quickly, to a random person on a dating site. it's different from coming on to ENA and looking for advice on how to fix a relationship.

 

cheating almost always starts out that way.

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Before you choose any of those options, consider the following question: do you want to stay in this relationship? What are the things that he would want different? Why didn't he tell YOU (well, he did, of course) about the things he wasn't happy with?

 

I'd go for the honesty approach.

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he has betrayed her. he talked about a lot of the negative things about her, so quickly, to a random person on a dating site. it's different from coming on to ENA and looking for advice on how to fix a relationship.

 

cheating almost always starts out that way.

 

Every guy talks "negative things" about his girlfriend.

 

Trust me - as a guy, I can understand perfectly why he did this. If he wanted "fake girl" for romance or for sex, he would have made a move already.

 

Sometimes, you just want someone who can understand you. This person is often not your wife or girlfriend.

 

If OP wants to prove my point, she should carry on this scheme for a few more weeks. He won't make a move. Then she will understand how naive and sincere her guy is.

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Every guy talks "negative things" about his girlfriend.

 

Trust me - as a guy, I can understand perfectly why he did this. If he wanted "fake girl" for romance or for sex, he would have made a move already.

 

Sometimes, you just want someone who can understand you. This person is often not your wife or girlfriend.

 

If OP wants to prove my point, she should carry on this scheme for a few more weeks. He won't make a move. Then she will understand how naive and sincere her guy is.

with a girl on a dating site????

 

he did make a move - he wanted to meet up with the fake account.

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I think the first thing that needs to happen is "Mystery Dream Girl" needs to disappear. There's no point in continuing that charade, you will just keep digging yourself a deeper hole. Quit contacting him and delete the profile.

 

If it was me, there is no way I could keep my mouth shut and pretend things were fine -- especially if I already knew within my own heart and mind that I didn't love him/want to be with him anymore. Financial difficulty or not, it'd have to come out now.

 

I'm not saying kick him out right now. What I am saying is you need to 'fess up to what you've been doing before it goes any further and figure out what to do from there. If it means you spend a few weeks as "roommates" while he figures out his finances, that's what it means. If it means he takes his belongings and crashes on a friend's couch, that's what it means. If it means you don't get paid back or get paid back at a much slower rate than you were expecting, that's what it means. Oh, sure it'll be awkward and uncomfortable, but I don't see where keeping quiet and biding your time is going to be any more comfortable. It will just prolong the inevitable.

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Every guy talks "negative things" about his girlfriend.

 

Trust me - as a guy, I can understand perfectly why he did this. If he wanted "fake girl" for romance or for sex, he would have made a move already.

 

Sometimes, you just want someone who can understand you. This person is often not your wife or girlfriend.

 

Still, that's so offensive, if you're not happy about something about your SO, why not tell them straight forward??

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he did make a move - he wanted to meet up with the fake account.

 

He's meeting a friend.

 

If a guy wants to get a girl in bed, he would not write "incredibly long messages" to her.

 

A woman might expect, "Above all people, I should be the closest emotionally to my guy. If he wants to talk, if he wants to share his emotions, if he wants understanding - he should come to me."

 

However, it doesn't work this way.

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He's meeting a friend.

 

If a guy wants to get a girl in bed, he would not write "incredibly long messages" to her.

 

A woman might expect, "Above all people, I should be the closest emotionally to my guy. If he wants to talk, if he wants to share his emotions, if he wants understanding - he should come to me."

 

However, it doesn't work this way.

 

ever heard of EMOTIONAL CHEATING? what he did was completely inappropriate.

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He's meeting a friend.

 

If a guy wants to get a girl in bed, he would not write "incredibly long messages" to her.

 

A woman might expect, "Above all people, I should be the closest emotionally to my guy. If he wants to talk, if he wants to share his emotions, if he wants understanding - he should come to me."

 

However, it doesn't work this way.

 

Maybe he doesn't want a fling, remember he thinks he's met his dream girl.

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Still, that's so offensive, if you're not happy about something about your SO, why not tell them straight forward??

 

The guy has decided, "Despite her imperfections, I still love my girlfriend."

 

That doesn't mean he can't blow off steam with other people about these imperfections.

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Sometimes, you just want someone who can understand you. This person is often not your wife or girlfriend.

 

However, if a guy has a wife or girlfriend, common sense would dictate that he be a bit more selective about who he commiserates with.

 

His long time male buddies or relatives of either sex are all good choices. Heck, if he's one of those guys who has a long time female friend who is truly just a friend and has always been just a friend, that would even be a reasonable choice.

 

Someone of the opposite sex he found on a quasi-dating site is not a good choice if he has any respect for his wife/gf at all.

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ever heard of EMOTIONAL CHEATING? what he did was completely inappropriate.

 

I don't believe in "emotional cheating." It's tyranny to control someone's emotions.

 

Moreover, even in the classical definition of "emotional cheating," he hasn't. If he said, "I love you, but I can't sleep with you," then that's "emotional cheating."

 

Yes but the fact is that he's hiding that from his g/f. I talked dirty sometimes to this online guy but it's not hidden, he's ok with it.

 

It's called discretion. You don't have to tell each other about everything you do, even though you might be honest when she asks explicitly.

 

Anyway...I have to go study. Maybe I'll return to this conversation later. I know I will never persuade you women - women and men are born to think differently. Nevertheless, I have offered a guy's perspective:

 

1. The guy is not cheating. Nor does he intend to cheat.

2. The guy imagines he's found someone who understands him. thereforee, he's excited to see a new friend.

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i'm not entirely sure that his intentions are purely platonic, regardless of what he's saying to her (i'm guessing he just wants to come off as trustworthy.)

 

why would he get one message from a "stranger", and then spill his guts to her about you?

 

i don't recommend just showing up at the coffee-house. that's pretty underhanded and an immature way of handling it. instead, i would confront him, no matter what that means for the relationship. if you are thinking about getting married, this is something that HAS to be discussed and, in order to do so, you're pretty much stuck in the position of HAVING to admit to him that you created the account.

 

i could lecture you about how creating the account was pretty sneaky and dishonest, blah blah blah, but i can't honestly fault you for it, especially now. many people will tell you the opposite, but i think it worked out in your favor (in an odd, twisted way) that you had. how else could you have known all this?

 

you need to come clean, tell him that you were concerned about him constantly going on the dating site and that you needed to make sure, for yourself, that he was faithful to you before you even thought about marriage.

 

he IS going to get angry. that's a given. but that is something you're just going to have to deal with, because you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't.

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I don't believe in "emotional cheating." It's tyranny to control someone's emotions.

 

Moreover, even in the classical definition of "emotional cheating," he hasn't. If he said, "I love you, but I can't sleep with you," then that's "emotional cheating."

 

 

 

It's called discretion. You don't have to tell each other about everything you do, even though you might be honest when she asks explicitly.

 

Anyway...I have to go study. Maybe I'll return to this conversation later. I know I will never persuade you women - women and men are born to think differently. Nevertheless, I have offered a guy's perspective:

 

1. The guy is not cheating. Nor does he intend to cheat.

2. The guy imagines he's found someone who understands him. thereforee, he's excited to see a new friend.

 

obviously he can't tell the fake account he loves her, they've only exchanged 10 e-mails. what i am saying is that cheating almost always starts out in a more "innocent" way. what he is doing is completely inappropriate.

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If OP wants to play this game to the end - either confirming or disconfirming my hypothesis - she can arrange a friend to pretend to be "fake girl." If he only wished to befriend her, then everything is good. Otherwise, maybe these other posters were right.

 

why would he get one message from a "stranger", and then spill his guts to her about you?

 

The internet is interesting. It's why people spill their guts over msn or over ena.

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If OP wants to play this game to the end - either confirming or disconfirming my hypothesis - she can arrange a friend to pretend to be "fake girl." If he only wished to befriend her, then everything is good. Otherwise, maybe these other posters were right.

 

OR they can quit the drama and games and be mature adults enough with the highschool fakeness.

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