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The emotional aftermath


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I'm having such a difficult time with acceptance right now. I understand that I'm not an exception; People lie, people cheat, people are unstable, etc. But, having been made privy to the truth about my ex has not only wripped a hole in my already broken heart, but as left me nauseated, confused and emotionally depleted.

 

During the course of our relationship, she was this amazing woman. She was so put together; respectful, HONEST, loyal, affectionate, loving, faithful. Not a day elapsed where I wasn't thankful for having had this angel walk into my life. Looking into her eyes gave me a sense of peace and serenity; a home to take solace in. How was I, and others, so easily deceived; blinded even? 'Everybody plays the fool', so they say. The woman I fell in love with ceased to exist after the death of her father. Did she ever exist?? Was it all a facade for 1.5 years?

 

For 6 months after our break up, she was adamant about the need to be alone and apart from a relationship. She went out of her way to make me believe that she was tending to herself; focusing on her 'issues'. Little did I know that she was subjecting herself to so many self destructive patterns and people whom she had told me previously, she despised. What happened? Where did she go?? Having given herself to so many people, carelessly, in such a limited amount of time. Who is this girl?

 

In the past month, there have been things brought to my attention that have appauled me. The LIES, the deceit, the manipulation. Things do not add up, make no sense whatsoever and are disheartening. My ex has been throwing accusations left and right of me that are completely untrue! She's ended friendships that genuinely were 'good' for her. She's betrayed those that trusted in her and she's alienated all of us. She did her best to keep all of us apart and not have any contact with each other so as not to unravel the web of lies she's so meticulously webbed. Who is this person?? Something is not right and I'm fearful that she'll negatively affect another peson, the wrong person.

 

What can we do? We're all concerned for her well being and the choices she's making. We honestly believe that she has some sort of 'mental illness' that's resulting in such chaos and destruction. But, do we walk away? I'm so emotionally spent with all of this and don't know what to do. The hardest part of all of this is not the loss of the relationship; it's the death of the woman I believed existed to love me.

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What can we do? We're all concerned for her well being and the choices she's making. We honestly believe that she has some sort of 'mental illness' that's resulting in such chaos and destruction. But, do we walk away? I'm so emotionally spent with all of this and don't know what to do. The hardest part of all of this is not the loss of the relationship; it's the death of the woman I believed existed to love me.

 

You have to walk away you said it yourself. "I'm so emotionlly spent". Get yourself in a better place so then you can really help.

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For a period of time, she was sleeping with her female boss in the military and her boss's boyfriend. She was drinking herself into a stuper ALL the time. Her boss is a recovering alcoholic and should not be drinking.

 

There was one instance where they all went out one night. My ex and her boss proceded to go to the bathroom where they messed around. Some gentleman who had been flirting with them that evening followed them into the bathroom and my ex encouraged him to 'join in'. Later that night, during her drive home with my friend, my ex claimed she was 'raped'. At that point, they got into a car accident! It wasn't too much of a mess and they were able to drive the car. My friend drove my ex to the Emergency room where she freaked out and left.

 

After they got home, my ex took my friend's banged up car and drove to her boss's house and asked that her boss's boyfriend f*ck her hard (to the point that she was bleeding). What?? To make it look like she had been raped should her friends force her to go to the hospital??? I remember getting a phone call from her that weekend telling me that she had a bad weekend and needed to talk. She never talked to me about it. I ended up finding out from our mutual friend.

 

She's LIED about EVERYTHING. She's now in another relationship with an officer (she's on the enlisted side of the military) which is a HUGE NO NO. Not only is she gay, and could get kicked out for homosexual conduct, but she's fraternizing.

 

She's left our mutual friend with nowhere to live b/c she just picked up and left where they were living, last minute.

 

The lies are just incredible and it's cause for concern. When I confronted her about the lies she was feeding me, all she could say was 'well, you told me you couldnt be friends after we broke up, so I dont want to talk about this, forget it, you caught me, blah blah'. This was AFTER she had invited me over the week prior to spend time, telling me she loved me, missed me, etc...

 

She's told people that I was a horrible gf, that she paid for everything when we were together, etc. She ended up dumping one of our dogs on me b/c she couldn't 'handle' taking care of the two we had. She told me she was giving a lot of attention to the other dog now that she was alone and not in a relationship which is also BS b/c our friend told me that she was taking care of the dog in my ex's absense.

 

Something happened after her father died and I can't make sense of ANY of it!

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I just dont know if there is something seriously mentally wrong here and in need of help, or if she's just an @$$hole! Honestly, her patterns are disturbing and I'm concerned for her. It's very difficult to let go and walk away when you care about someone, regardless of what they're subjecting you to...especially when you know they're doing harm to themselves.

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I know that. I'm just fearful that when she does hit rock bottom, it will be too late. It's so hard to put this behind me when I had such a huge emotional investment in this person. I'm a good person. IF and when she crosses the WRONG person, I sure wouldn't want to be there.

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Believe me, NC hasnt been an issue lately. When I confronted her on stuff she said pretty much got defensive and put an end to communication. Now that she's in yet another relationship, maintaining the NC with me isn't a problem for her. I was used, abused and tossed to the curb. Just like several of the friends she had.

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Yes NC is hard but you will heal. How are you finding all this out? You are staying in contact that is how. Get out and take care of yourself. We all care about our ex's but are you going to let her keep hurting you over and over forever. You need to stand up for yourself and walk away. Worry about you not her. Go NC and stay there until you are not emotional anymore. Why would you want someone who chose that lifestyle over the one they had with you? You would not! It doesn't mean you don't care if you walk away. Protect yourself. Go NC!

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Believe me, NC hasnt been an issue lately. When I confronted her on stuff she said pretty much got defensive and put an end to communication. Now that she's in yet another relationship, maintaining the NC with me isn't a problem for her. I was used, abused and tossed to the curb. Just like several of the friends she had.

 

I'm not sure what else you can really do at this point. You can let her know you are there if she needs to talk as friends, but in order for that to happen, she has to seek you. She doesn't seem to do that with you or the rest of your friends.

 

It is hard when you had such an emotional investment. Good people feel pain when something bad happens to someone they once loved. If I heard my ex was doing similar things to spiral out of control (and believe me, I have a feeling my ex has issues), I'll still feel something despite the fact that we aren't together. I'd want to help, to fix, but you can't. You aren't part of their life (their own choice, they live with it) and they need to fix themselves. They are the only one that can do it.

 

But stay away in case she does cross the wrong person; you don't need to be in that position.

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Dani,

How much do you know about Borderline Personality Disorder? You might want to have a look at the forums here: link removed

 

While you can't officially diagnose your ex if you're not a qualified mental health practitioner, you may notice some similar patterns, traits and experiences. People with BPD often experience "breaks" or intensification of their symptoms following stressful life events (such as the death of a parent). If your ex does have BPD, her leaving is more of a blessing than a curse (athough I'm sure it certainly doesn't feel that way right now). Life with those with BPD is generally wrought with confusion, chaos, pain, immense joy, excitement, love, passion, intensity, deceit, betrayal, sadness and everything else that could be described as a "rollercoaster ride." If this is a missing key to understanding your situation, I recommend that you check out this book: link removed

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Yes NC is hard but you will heal. How are you finding all this out? You are staying in contact that is how. Get out and take care of yourself. We all care about our ex's but are you going to let her keep hurting you over and over forever. You need to stand up for yourself and walk away. Worry about you not her. Go NC and stay there until you are not emotional anymore. Why would you want someone who chose that lifestyle over the one they had with you? You would not! It doesn't mean you don't care if you walk away. Protect yourself. Go NC!

 

I found all of this out b/c I took in her roommate when her roommate had nowhere to go after my ex left her high and dry. I am friends with her roommate as well. When she moved in, she questioned me on a lot of things trying to elicit and seek out the truth. She too wasn't believing things she was told and the stories werent adding up. My ex has destroyed friendships as well as our relationship. I'm not the only person affected by her choices.

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Thank you for this. I concur with what you've posted. I've been seeking the help of my therapist and this disorder was addressed. While we can diagnose her, she definitely has manifested a LOT of the qualities that you've illustrated. I agree that this could potentially be the reason behind her patterns and unfortunately, its something she is going to have to recognize. While I would even try at an intervention or something, I would need the support of her family. This is definitely not something I can look to do on my own.

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I found all of this out b/c I took in her roommate when her roommate had nowhere to go after my ex left her high and dry. I am friends with her roommate as well. When she moved in, she questioned me on a lot of things trying to elicit and seek out the truth. She too wasn't believing things she was told and the stories werent adding up. My ex has destroyed friendships as well as our relationship. I'm not the only person affected by her choices.

 

Better reason to move on she does not have respect for hurting her friends or her SO. Go NC.

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Better reason to move on she does not have respect for hurting her friends or her SO. Go NC.

 

Agreed...believe me. I just have to find someone way to accept things, know that i cant help her, and let go. Easier said than done when youve loved someome.

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Dani

 

I know you are a kind and caring person but you cannot fix her. It is up to her to come to her own realisations - and eventually she will.

 

But you can fix you hun. Keep away from her and focus on YOU.

 

Mark

 

 

I know what I need to do...just have to ensure that i keep doing it. Ive been doing so much better. The lies, manipulation and accusations are just so overwhelming. I feel like I have to defend myself to all of these people. Not for nothing, but she had her mother mail me my door opener to my house. What? did she tell her family i was some stalked and didnt want me to know her new address?? insane.

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