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recovering/forgiving my boyfriends fling


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I'm not entirely sure that this is the right place to send a problem, but i hope its ok. Ive been with my boyfriend for about a year now, but even though i love him terribly and am know he feels the same (these days), something that he did at the start of our relationship still upsets and angers me to this day. When we first met, he had the typical immature male student's attitude....ie, I dont want to fall in love, i wanna party all the time etc etc. However I had liked him for a long time and chose to accept this attitude...although I could tell at the time (and still realise) that this was a bit of a front-He had been very in love with his first girlfriend (about a year before me), as most people are and she had hurt him badly, and i think this emotionless way of life is what he aspired to, not what he's genuinly like.

Anyway, we got on well and had a great time for the first month of our realtionship, and although not particularly close, really liked each other...and even he admitted his pre-decided attitude towards relationships was starting to waver. Now, him being the laid back , forgetfull guy he is ,left booking fieldwork for his university course until the very last minute, and ended up being given 3 options by the university....Take part in the last available university organised dig(he does archeaology), organise your own or drop out. Well, he only had 10 days to organise anything and was only in first year so decided to go with the first option-to France for a month. Because it was his first time away from home and the months 'dig' was really just a big drunken party with small group of older students , i think it was a case of ' out of sight , out of mind'. His mobile phone was drowned in beer within the first week and he made no effort to contact me...apparently he wrote a post card but never bithered to send it-which still hurts. Because (as he claims) everyone else (all of four people)there was not too interesting or fun, became a particularly good drinking buddy of a female student-4 years his elder, and to cut a long story short , during the last few days , after not speaking to me for the same amount of time we'd been together for, he ended up drunkenly having sex with her in a toilet cubicle -4 times. When he got back he called, and sounded like a completely different person...saying things like ' i guess i just wanna have fun, i guess im just not a nice guy' etc etc.-even hos closest friends said that when he got back he was distant, and changed. I was terribly upset by what he'd done, and how drastically his attitute towards me had changed in France, but thought i'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. So we started hanging out as really good friends, spending alot of time together, and eventually, i, (and his friends), started to notice that he was becoming his old self again. Now i shall try to be consise, as this email is getting hurrendously long...He admitted that he still had feelings for me (as i had for him the entire time), we did a hell of alot of talking....he explained that he barely remembers any of his toilet cubicle exploits, didnt find the girl attractive, never felt or did anything with her unless he was drunk(and he gets very drunk), as soon as he left france he had nothing to do with her, he was sorry, he didnt realise how important id be when he got back, his perspectives were warped as it was his first time away(hence making no effort to call,) and admitted that being away at a drunken holiday party for a month had changed him, and he wished he'd never gone everything between us was ruined. So i forgave him, maybe something i shouldnt have done in the first place, but that was almost a year ago and now (i think after being friends for ages when he got back- we never really knew each other before) we are very close. I can tell he's changed, and nothing like that would ever happen now, and he has told me that his entire state of mind when away was a mistake. He has completely forgotten everything-perhaps a reassuring signt what happened meant nothing-but every now and again i still get very upset...start wondering exactly how things happened, what she was like ...its insane of me i know to start churning all this stuff(which doesnt matter anymore)up from the past. I think its because we are such a good , happy sturdy couple these days, I forget we werent so close at the time and think 'How could you do this'. Ive been openly very angery and upset towards him openly recently , and afterwards feel stupid for almost breaking up-it s completely irrational. Its just turned into an obsession recently, which i know i ridicoulous. It was a terrible thing for someone to do, but i forgave him because of the circumstances, and because i believe we could have something really special-which he and i often say that we do. I guess i just think that things like this aarent supposed to happen-youre relationship isnr supposed to get better! It all just seems to good to be true and its like i always have to one aspect of what happened to be upset about. I cant stop dwelling and I was wondering if , as a qualified , experieced outsider looking in you would be able to give me some feedback or thoughts on the subject. Or some advice on how i can stop these self destructive, circular thoughts, as i feel that one day i will become so irrationally worked up everything will be ruined. I often feel like breaking up with him to get my own back, or because its his delayed 'just deserts', but i would miss him so much, and i know its the case vice versa so this really would be 'biting off mynose to spite my face'. Any help would be so grately appreciated, and thankyou do much if you have taken the time to read this long winded letter.

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Well, I am speaking from the other 'cheater's' point of view. A couple of days ago, after a fight and questions, I finally told my girlfriend that I kissed a girl at the school I'm going to(this happened a year ago). Not only that at the time, I bragged about it to my friends because the next day (after I kissed her), she wanted to have sex with me. I declined because, believe it or not, I couldn't do that to her. I felt I don't want her doing the same to me. But I bragged about it.


I came out clean because on Valentine's she proposed to me. It was amazing and so cute. Since then, I feel ashamed of it and heartbroken because I feel she didn't deserve this. She is incredibly beautiful and I'm lucky to have a girl like that. I felt that if I didn't tell her and just don't do it again, I would justify myself. I can like 'make it go away'. And it kinda worked. I eventually forgot about it. When she proposed to me, however, I really wanted to be a good man and wanted to make sure that nothing will get in the way of our future so I told her. I felt too guilty to marry her and keep this from her. Because of this, she is heartbroken, hates me, and definetly does not want to marry me. She doesn't want to be my girlfriend anymore, either. Sometimes, I feel like I made a mistake in telling her.


The bad thing is, she is the kind of person that will call her or tell my friends off or something. I can feel the anger and if we talk about the school or kissing or anything like that, she makes a crack about it and tells me what a pile of crap I am. I feel horrible for what I've done and can't see myself doing this again and feel that I made a stupid mistake. I know this sounds selfish and stupid but I felt that I did a noble thing by telling her. I felt that I wanted to give her a good man to marry by telling her. I really want to make her happy and fully regret what I've done. But she's like you, she wants to know all the details and interrogates me about it. She says, "if you want to be a good, honest man, you would tell me everything". I guess I deserve it for doing it, but I feel like it was a year ago and I know I've changed. I know I love her.


Here's a little twist to my story. We have been together for five and 1/2 years since Valentine's. Last year in the fall (I kissed the girl in the spring), my girlfriend and I were having problems. She separated from me because I was being an asshole and controlling. I thought otherwise and felt she was judging me wrong. She began talking to some guy 6 years older than her (she's 20 by the way and I'm 22) while I took a very heavy load in school so I couldn't spend much time with her. She told me he was gay so I wanted her to believe I wasn't controlling so I made it out like I didn't have a problem with it. She eventually developed feelings for him and I realized he wasn't gay. I desperately tried anything to change her mind, I went to counseling, gave her flowers, envited her to go out. I finally convinced her to do couples counseling. Unfortunately, I was too little, too late. At the second session, she made it clear it was over and the next night, she admitted to having sex with him. This tore me up because I was her first and she was mine and it was really special to me. I felt like he just came and stole her away from me. Like they say, you don't know what you got until you lose it. She then pretty much stopped talking to me and I became very depressed and stopped eating and going to school. When we did talk, she would kind of flaunt that she was having fun and stuff like that. She went on a skiing trip with him and some friends. On the trip she got in an accident and tore her ACL which my friends laughed and said she deserved it. I wanted to but didn't. I began trying to move on and at work met a girl who seemed like she liked me. I didn't want to do anything, but I was feeling really depressed and pathetic, I began to talk to her. I took her out to get some drinks and we kissed. My ex, by the way, learned about it, and quickly got a hold of me. She told me how much she loved me and that we need to talk. She ended telling me that she felt bad the whole time for having sex w/ someone else that she had to give me time to hate her. Bull. But depressed and still feelings of desperation, I got back with her.


Sorry to make this long, but this is how my story goes. We started to really make some progress and we even talked about marriage. We eventually forgave each other, however we can't go near the places I told her me and that girl that I met went or I'll hear it or she'll start crying. I understood, but I told her that what is important is that were are both together NOW. I told her that I am sorry for anything I've ever done in the past and I forgive you for anything you've ever done that I don't know about.


Know I feel really stupid because I told her when I probably didn't need to(about kissing that girl). I know I want to marry her and that I will stick to my commitment. I wanted her to know that I don't want to keep any secrets from her when we get married. She thinks of me as a liar and a whore. She thinks that I feel that if she takes me back, I'll feel like I can keep doing things behind her back. I can understand why she feels that way but I don't feel that way. I feel that I know what it is like to have your heart broken and I know how bad it hurts. I just want to settle and enjoy my life, guilt-free. I want to be able to enjoy her company without the fear that she will throw something in my face-like she has. I deserve everything I'm getting because of what I've done and keeping it from her for a year, but I felt that she knows that I forgive her for what she did and that we can start over and really make this happen. I feel the only thing keeping us happy is dwelling on the past. I know I'm speaking too soon, but I'm tired of it and I want to move on with my life. I take responsibility for my actions and I am truly sorry for what i've done. I don't know what to do. I feel like I did the wrong thing by telling her now. I love her with all my heart, but I don't want to go through hell in life.


I don't know how much good this is for you but this is just how I feel. I understand what you are feeling but you have to make a choice, believe him and try your hardest to forget about it, or leave him because you can't. Otherwise, I feel life will be miserable. I personally want to do couples counselling because I want to build our trust back and get that spark back, but I feel I can't get out of this hole. Maybe this is how he feels. Good luck

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