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Confused about my inability to attract "normal" guys


renaissancewoman101
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Yes, I'm confused about this. I've been taking the advice of people on here and advice from friends to get involved in things so as to meet people, make friends, meet guys, etc. I've done that with me getting involved in the SCA. I've made friends, which is great, but I really haven't met anybody who would really want to date me or would be attracted to me to have a relationship.

 

I'm perplexed. I don't get hit on, nor do people look at me attractively. I am trying out the more feminine look. Been growing out my hair since my surgery. Trying to dress better on the weekends (when I don't have SCA things), yet I never get hit on or even noticed.

 

Actually I got more attention when I lived in the Midwest and I dressed boyishly, wore my hair short, etc.

 

I do know there is more competition out here with pretty, young, Asian girls, and I don't fit the stereotypical Asian girl look. I am a bit overweight, very short and stout. I do have long hair now, but still no bites.

 

Maybe it's because I'm 35 already

 

I'm very involved in the SCA, yet I still sometimes feel alone, like I don't have many friends and feel out of the loop (hard to explain). When I go to events, I tend to stick with 1-2 people that I know, or else I wander around and chat, unless its practice time.

 

Not sure if this is a rant, or me trying to find some way to understand myself and my shortcomings.

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I'm not good at flirting, but I do flirt. Sometimes I wonder if my age has anything to do with why I may not be attracting guys that much. I'm in my mid-thirties already.

 

This is the thread about my last failed attempt at meeting someone suitable to date.

 

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Your thirty five not eighty five. You can attract men much older than you are. Thirty five is still pretty young.

 

Dress feminine, get in shape, and in the mean time, before and after, practice flirting. Smile, hair toss, accidentally touching, etc. Read super flirt.

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I don't think it has to do with your age, or your attractiveness! I think it's all about approachability.

 

When I was single and I'd go out with friends, I'd put out a fun, "flirty" vibe, and I'd get hit on/noticed quite often. I'd dance when the mood struck me (usually when ABBA or something came on, haha), laugh a lot, and just enjoy being out and having a great time.

 

Now that I'm married, I've shut the "flirty" vibe down completely, and I never, I mean never, get hit on. I don't look any different--I still do my hair and makeup and try to look nice when I got out--it's just in how I carry myself.

 

Just be confident in who you are, and remember that you are giving them the chance to get to know you. Don't try too hard to MAKE it happen; just remember that you have a lot to offer, make it clear that you enjoy life, and that vibe will get picked up on.

 

I think you sound like a really neat person to get to know!!

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Mid-thirties is old? That's news to me.

 

What makes you think you're not good at flirting? Has anyone ever told you as much?

 

I've been told that I'm not very flirtatious and I sometimes come off as preoccupied or standoffish. Not good, I know.

 

I have a bad habit of worrying about what others think about me. I also tend to be a bit shy, so sometimes I will not come out of my "shell" as much.

 

The guy who asked me out, I flirted with him a few times in the past month or so, at events that we were both at. Only bad thing is that his lifestyle choice is not something I like. If you read my thread link, you'll get what I mean.

 

I do think how I come accross to people, may be what is holding me back from meeting someone to date. I'm nervous and unsure about myself. I'm like that even at SCA things, esp with my fencing. People have told me that I am catching on quickly and getting pretty good at it (and these are coming from both people who I have been training with, and from spectators). Yet, I feel like I'm not getting things fast enough, that I'm messing up, that I'm not going to be able to get good at it.

 

I have low confidence and maybe guys pick up on that.

 

I'm nervous a lot and feel left out, even when I am included in things. I do have friends and enjoy doing things with them. For example, I have a party to go to on Friday evening, that is being hosted by a friend. I am going with the rest of my fencing group to a fencing practice being held in another city, and we'll all go out for a meal afterwards, this weekend.

 

So I am pretty busy too.

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Ren i think it is more a situation of a lot of people out there are weird moreso then you just attract weird people. I think odds have it that if there are a lot of strange people out there that you will attract more of them, not necessarily having to do anything with you personally...dating is hard and exasporating for many people so dont get that negative nelly mindset that it must be you who is just attracting oddballs...

 

Single people on the scene will all attract their share of creeps, oddballs, and nutjobs...

 

For what its worth and you know i'm a harsh critic sometimes, i think you are doing a fantastic job of putting yourself out there and being social and such. Just keep on doing what you are doing.

 

I think it is more reasonable to assume that this 'swinger' guy picked up on your insecurity and figured you would be an easy person to cajole into his lifestyle. Good for you for showing his ass otherwise.

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I think this is one of those moments where a bit of perspective might help. You're meeting people, and that's positive. Remember not too long ago when you weren't even getting dates offline, or aggressively pursuing social activities? Now you are doing all that and more. Along the way, you are going to experience some setbacks, and you have to look at them as par for the course. You can't automatically start thinking a load of bad things about yourself every time something isn't going exactly the way you would have hoped.

 

Overall, you said the guy was nice, dinner was pleasant, and it's not like he admitted to murdering little children and asked you to join him. He's a swinger, and while it may not be your thing, it's not like it's so unusual, either. So you chalk it up to a good funny story and move on with just as much enthusiasm. The world is full of weird people and most of them are harmless. Just keep doing what you're doing and give it time.

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Thanks for all the posts. Yes, I know I am being unnecessarily harsh on myself because I think I am NOT doing enough to meet people and not meeting someone as quickly as possible to date. I am DOING enough in terms of social activities and I am getting to know a lot of people.

 

I just felt a bit disappointed because I thought this one had potential since he seemed like he was attracted to me.

 

Last night I had fighter practice and then I hung out at the park with another girl, talking to the guy I really like (I posted about him before and how he probably only likes me as a friend), and I realize there are other good guys out there. I also realize how much a lot of us have been hurt in past relationships and that probably affects how we pick mates, etc. I dunno, I'm rambling.

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