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Is he cheating.. or am I just paranoid?


nicole1236

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Any opinions would be greatly appreciated!

 

So, I've been dating this guy for 3 months now. He's intelligent, attractive and very goal oriented.. basically everything I have been looking for in a man. He's turning 29 and I'm 22.

We get along really well, he says he REALLY likes me and that I have all the qualities he's been looking for in a woman for a very long time.

 

We see each other about 1 to 3 times a week depending on our schedules. He lives in the city so it takes me about 2 hours to go and see him... every time we see each other we have a really good time together. He takes me out to amazing restaurants, we go for walks, do fun things together, ect. There are a couple of things bothering me, though.

 

When we first started seeing each other he was coming on REALLY strong and it was scaring me a little because he was the first guy after my ex.. so I told him that I really liked him but we needed to not move so fast. He basically did a complete turn around, and now goes days without contacting me. If I send him an email or call him he'll call/respond.. but he doesn't initiate first at all really. I talked to him about this recently telling him that it bothers me and that now that we're exclusive he doesn't have to worry about going "too fast". He told me he'd work on it but I really haven't see that much of an improvement.

 

I usually have pretty good gut instincts about people and if what they're telling me is true and I'm having some trust issues with him. I don't know if it's because of my ex, or because my gut is correct and he's lying to me. He recently went to visit his mom for her birthday (She lives 6 hours away by plane) and then came home and then went back 5 days later to see her for Thanksgiving. Now what I think is odd about that is I was with him when his mom called (just this weekend) asking him to come for Christmas. I guess that's not so weird.. but what IS weird is when I saw him last Thursday (after not seeing him for 11 days because he was "with his mom") he told me not to mention him not being home in front of his roommates. Apparently he told them he was staying home and not visiting his family.. but in reality he did go and visit. He says he doesn't know why he told him this, but for me to please don't bring it up.

It makes me feel like he really didn't leave at all and he doesn't want me to say something and his roommates ask me what I'm talking about because he's been here the whole time. Also, he didn't call me at all the day before he left or email or anything to even say Happy Thanksgiving.. he JUST responded to my email after Thanksgiving saying I hope he's having a good time and I missed him.

 

Also most of the time when I come over he'll make me sit in the living room so he can clean up his room. He doesn't want me in there at all until he's "cleaned up". Last Thursday I was in the living room on the phone with my friend when his roommate knocked on his door. My bf didn't answer so he knocked again and opened the door and I heard my bf kind of yell and say, "Uh, Babe! I didn't tell you you could come in." Like he was super irritated.

 

We also don't really have sex very often. He works A LOT, and very hard and he's been really stressed out.. so I've just kind of looked over it and chalked it up to him being stressed.. but is it weird when you haven't seen your significant other for almost two weeks and you don't want to have sex? He told me he "can't". Basically I went down on him and he then proceeded to have sex with me for maybe all of 2 minutes (He didn't finish) then climbed into bed and wanted to snuggle.

This happens a lot. Where He'll have sex with me for literally 2 minutes and not cum or try and make me finish and think that it'll hold me over or something and then just wants to get into bed and snuggle and sleep.

I'll wear sexy lingerie and I won't get really anything out of him. One day he got up to take a shower and go to work and so while he was in the shower I kind of pulled the covers down so he could see my body.. he came back in, saw me and said, "Oh, babe, aren't you cold?" and pulled the covers over me. It makes me feel SO inadequate. I'm an attractive girl, every single guy I have ever been with couldn't keep his hands off of me.. and with him.. it's like, I can't get him there.

 

Is he cheating on me, is that why he's not wanting sex all that much? Or is he just really stressed? I just don't know what to do. I really like him, but the stuff with the sex thing is kind of making me go crazy. I'm about to stop wearing anything sexy and stop trying and just wear freaking flannel pjs to bed or something.

 

Any insight? Is this worth it? Should I break up or talk to him about it.. and how do I do that AGAIN without hurting his ego?

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See that's what's weird. When we're together he seems REALLY into me. Like he tells me how much he missed me all the time and how wonderful I am and all that crap.. and he's taking me to meet his dad who's flying in from South Africa this weekend.

 

It's just too confusing and too contradicting. =(

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Too much trouble for someone you've only been seeing for 3 months, who lives far away.

 

Sounds like he's either dating other women and using his mother as the beard and excuse not to be available, or else he has some sexual problems. perhaps he is terrified of getting you pregnant, perhaps it has happened to him before. or maybe he can't last longer then 2 minutes and is embarrassed by it. but definitely not a satsifying sex life for you at all, and the other 'mom' behavior is suspicious.

 

i dated a guy who used to claim he was spending time with his kids (from a prior marriage) when he was really off dating several women at a time, and spent very little time with his kids. So the Mom excuse is setting off bells... very convenient excuse, and the lying to his roommates is really weird. i suspect he was off with another women at that time instead and didn't want to be caught in a lie.

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See that's what's weird. When we're together he seems REALLY into me. Like he tells me how much he missed me all the time and how wonderful I am and all that crap.. and he's taking me to meet his dad who's flying in from South Africa this weekend.

 

It's just too confusing and too contradicting. =(

 

people lie..you've got to judge their actions

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I would bring all these things to his attention & see what he says. His behavior is unusual. I would break up with him but first I would see if I could get an explanation. If you are ever alone with his roommates, ask them to be straight up if he was home when he said he wasn't & if he brings other women home. Then dump him. Seriously.. that is too much drama & sneekiness so early in a relationship.

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There are some red flags here. I've been through this before, on both sides, and I think your "trust response" is a real, normal, fear in this situation. I don't think you are being paranoid.

 

Now this presents a dilemma for you. Ultimately, you need to make a decision whether you can be with someone you have some trust issues with. You can't confirm or deny the issues possibly behind these problems - so largely you have to go on your own gut.

 

If he is actually cheating, getting the truth out of him is going to be exceptionally difficult. Always remember, someone in this situation will only confirm as much as you reveal you know. Personally, I opted for finding out the truth. For some time with my partner, I found little lies and small pieces that indicated something was going on. These were explained away. In the end, I trusted my gut enough to really did deep - and I found out truth that could not be explained away. After calmly presenting this to my partner, he admitted the full truth, leaving nothing out, and we began the process of working through it.

 

I've been on both sides of the situation. Contrary to the advice that many people on here would give, I recommend that you seek to find the truth. Don't worry about making a decision about what you will do until later - your aim now is to assess the situation with as much of the facts as you can gather. I checked with my partners friends, I followed up on stories. When I discovered inconsistencies, I dug deeper. I checked his phone, found more. Finally I got confessions from the people he was involved with. Only then did I fully confront my partner, and the whole truth came out... and it was pretty extensive!

 

Don't confront him until you have the truth, if he isn't cheating - you won't be able to tell if he is telling the truth or not. And if he is, he will just be able to deny it and you'll be no better off. You need to dig, start with his roommates.

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he told me not to mention him not being home in front of his roommates. Apparently he told them he was staying home and not visiting his family.. but in reality he did go and visit. He says he doesn't know why he told him this, but for me to please don't bring it up.

 

For me, whether he is cheating or not wuold be moot. What he did above is still lying. Even if he is telling YOU the truth, it shows he thinks nothing of lying to other people like his roommates.

 

It is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that he lied to them IMO. I think he lied to you. BUT giving him the absolute benefit of the doubt and let's say he DID go home, it still shows he has the propensity to lie.

 

This relationship is way too short to be dealing with this kind of stress.

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If I write one single bit of advice that anyone ever takes away on these forums... if I have ever learned anything in my 27 years... let is be this:

 

Never, ever, make a decision without collecting all the facts you can, and allowing time for your feelings to be fully considered.

 

Breaking up with someone at THE MOMENT they did something to hurt you can be a recipe for disaster. First (before you breakup) you need to research the situation, find out as many facts as you can. Then you need to discuss these with your significant other. Finally, after all this has been done, you need to take some time (like, days) to decide how you feel about things, what your options are, and then to make a decision.

 

If you don't do these things, and you make rash decisions, then you will not LEARN anything from the situation. This is how people end up bitter and twisted, with confused and difficult relationships. When someone does something wrong or stupid... work towards understanding how it occurred, the background too it. This will make you much less fearful in the future.

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just to give you an example...a few years ago i'd hang out with my friend from college at his apartment. two other people shared the apartment but they would have other friends over as well. whenever they were over, he never let me see them. he'd just get me into his room quickly. we did not have a romantic relationship togther, we were only friends, and we'd just hang out, play video games, etc. but i thought it was strangely awkward that he could invite me to his place but keep me at a distance even in that small apartment. it seemed fishy to me.

 

fast forward 3 years later after knowing him, throughout this whole time i find out he was cheating on his gf then with other girls. thankfully we didn't have feelings for each other but he was the shady type so his behaviour made sense. gut feelings are rarely wrong, i think.

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I say just trust your gut! If you have strange feelings about this & that something is wrong...its because it is. I had an ex that I had trust issues with, broke up - started dating another guy and had a "gut" feeling for months but then brushed it off with me being insecure and not being about to trust because of my pervious relationship. Turns out my gut was right along...that relationship should have ended at 2 months not 1yr IN. Would have saved me a lot of heartache, if I just listend to my gut early on.

 

He is doing something, not sure if it's cheating but he is hiding something & this early in a relationship...I would walk away.

 

Why dont you ask him about this "strange" behavior...if you want to save this relationship? I think its strange enough to bring up and get a straight answer not something like "I just dont want my roommates to know" but Y dont you want them to know?? that doesn't make much sense

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not sure if it's cheating but he is hiding something & this early in a relationship...I would walk away.

 

See, this is my point. When going through my problems, I never posted here - because this kind of comment is extremely simplistic and can come accross as extremely insensitive to people in the situation. I've confirmed this in PM's with those who post these problems.

 

Look, it's really damn easy to boil someones problem down to a simple, rational, explanation - and then give them a simple, rational, piece of advice. But relationships are not rational nor simple. They are extremely complex. If the OP was making her decisions rationally, without feelings as a consequence - don't you think she would have already come to this conclusion? But to actually do what you are proposing is insanely difficult and dangerous.

 

Walking away from something without understanding it, without exploring your feelings, and trusting your entire future to a couple of "rules" that get preached on a forum, but seldom practiced - is the way you end up bitter, twisted, and living a life ruled by fear. People fear what they do not understand.

 

Truth sets people free because it facilitates understanding, and understanding grants you peace. Without that, all you can do with the emotions is get angry. And anger is largely useless.

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IceMotoBoy - That's what I said I would do...not what she should do. Everyone has their own mind, and should make their own decisions. If you listen to just advice people give you on here & dont make your own decision then there's a problem.

 

I also added if she wanted to SAVE the relationship!

 

BTW I dont fear what I dont understand - I walk away from a relationship if I have a bad feeling about it especially if its only a few months. BUT that's just me....

 

Anyway - this has nothing to do with the orginial thread, if you want to post another thread about why people give this advice - maybe we can have a debate there.

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He doesn't have to be cheating in order to not be good for you.

 

You're the one doing all the pretzels. I'd quit that and see if he bothers pursuing you. Maybe suggest that he make the drive to visit you?

 

I think you can find someone closer and better for your head--and your heart.

 

In your corner.

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Just my two cents, but it doesn't sound like he makes you feel good about yourself, and that you're having trouble trusting him (perhaps justifiably so).

 

IMHO, having been in many different types of relationships with many different types of people, I wish I'd never tried so hard to make it work with men who fell into either or both of those categories.

 

I'm a firm believer in gut feelings, and while those responses do need to be tempered with thought and exploration of the issues (which you're doing here), you don't want to discount them.

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Yes, please please ask your roommate if your bf was home while he was supposed to be visiting his mom, I'm really curious to see what he will say!

If he says yes, he was home, then I would realllllllllly reconsider this relationship and it'd be pretty obvious he did something behind your back.

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Thank you guys for all the opinions and advice, I really appreciate it!

 

I think I definitely need to talk to him.. like some of you said, it's not a relationship if I can't even express how I'm feeling. I'm not sure either if he's cheating, but something IS fishy.. all your responses have confirmed that fact for me... and the fact that he did lie about leaving for vacation.. and most likely he lied to me not the roommates.

 

I want to talk to his roommates, but I'm just a little hesitant because what if it gets back to him? I'm sure he would not be pleased.

 

I'm supposed to see him on Sunday and go to dinner with him and his father.. I told myself that I wont contact him first. I'm ALWAYS the one to cave after a couple days, and that's just not fair. He didn't contact me at all yesterday and I know for a fact he was online. I don't know how hard it is to say hi for two minutes. Whatever. We'll see how long it takes him. If he doesn't contact me until Sunday I think it's just not going to work period. I need more affection than that.

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