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I underestimated myself I guess...


Cynder

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I'm at a point in my mariage where I thought I was passed stuff like this. My husband and I have been through some rough times.

 

About three years ago our friend J started dating this girl, D. D was married and still living with J when they met. She started having an afair with J and her husband found out and dumped her. She got pregnant not too long after and her and J moved to a city about three hours away.

 

So, fast forward about 2 and a half years.

 

My friend Jessie (Jessie is a girl, not a guy.) Jessie and I hear that our town's one and only strip club is about to close. We laugh because every guy we know says this club has the skankiest strippers they've ever seen. Neither of us have ever been there, so we decide to go just out of curiosity before it closes. Just to say we were there. We didn't think it was a good idea for two women to walk in there unescorted. We heard the bouncers were pretty mean. So we asked my husband to take us. After some convincing he agreed to it. So, we walk into the club, and up on stage, shaking her tail, in glorious nudity, is D.

 

D Jumped off the stage, ran up to us, and gave me a big hug. Still najed mind you, that was awkward, considering I didn't even know her that well. She talked to me for a minute, then went back up on stage. We didn't even know that J and D were back in town. Before we left D gave me their phone number and told us to drop bye sometime.

 

A month or so goes by. My husband and I are bored one afternoon. I sugested we should go see them. Mainly because I wanted to go see J. I've known him for ten years or so and wondered how he was doing. So we went, all was fine.

 

My husband was out of work at the time. He had been out of work for months. When we were there J mentioned they needed someone to watch the kids through the day because D was switching to the day shift at the club and he works days also. I said I would do it if I could, but I couldn't. He asked if my husband would be interested. And for the money, he was.

 

After a few weeks of him watching the kids, he told me one day that D was sent home from work early because they were so slow. She came home four hours early and he stayed at the house with her and they ate lunch with the kids and then took the kids to the park, then went back to the house and watched a movie with the kids. But he also told me when they were at the park they talked about how I need to lose weight and how I'm not as think as I used to be. It's true since I took a job that isn't as physical I've gone up a pant size. And I would like to go back down to where I was. But I just don't see how the why of them were talking about that. I wasn't entirely cool with that. We've had some trust issues in the passed that I thought I was over.

 

And in the time we've spent with D and J, it always seems to happen. D always gets drunk and starts grabbing my boobs, slapping my ass, and one time she grabed me and kissed me right in front of J and my husband. And one other time she sat on my lap and bit my nipple.

 

We were at a party over the summer and my husband got our friend M to come up behind D and scare her. And afterword she chased them both around the house, smacking them both and throwing M down on the ground and dry humping him on the floor.

 

She was inviting me to go the Y and take fitness classes with her for a while there. But then we both decided we couldn't afford it.

 

I'm telling you guys all this so you know how I get along with her also. SHe is not nasty to me or anything. It seems like she really does want to be friends with me.

 

Through all this, my husband is not doing much to find a job... Until D says they are hiring where she now works (The strip club closed and she works somewhere else now.) He went and applied there and got hired. After not filling out an app anywhere in months.

 

About six weeks ago my husband and I were talking about something having to do with our business. His phone rand and he look at it and set it down without answering. He told me it was a telemarketer. Then like 30 seconds later it rang again. He didn't answer and said it was the same telemarketer. We were going out to my Mom's place for dinner that night. Well, we get out there and in front of my Mom and my two brothers he says "That wasn't a telemarketer that was calling me earlier, it was D." He just said this out of the blue. I asked if he knew it was her when she was calling. He told me he did, but he didn't answer it because we were talking. Honestly, that's never stopped him fron answering the phone before, it doesn't matter who is calling.

 

I was pissed that he lied to me. I asked if he waited to tell me here because he thought I wouldn't say anything in front of my family. He told me he didn't know why he waited. My Mom said "Please don't lie to my daughter in my house." And he said "I didn't lie. I told her the truth." I pointed out that he told the truth an hour later when he could have told me right then and there.

 

Last night D sent me a message through myspace. It wasn't a text message. It was just a cartoon thing. I didn't realize who it was beccause she changes her name and default pic all the time, and the default pic is never a pic of her. So I looked at the profile and realized it was her. Even stranger is that my husband is number two on her top list.

 

This is all escalating here... I feel old feelins of jealousy reeturning and I don't like it. And right now they both work the same shift but in different locations. But soon he will be trained at her location and they will work together.

 

He knows somewhat how I feel... I told him that the conversation they had in the park about how fat I am bothered me. He got pissy and accused me of trying to keep him from having friends. I've never stopped him from having friends. But I think talking bad about your fat wife with a gorgeous 90 pouind stripper is uncool, sorry.

 

And the irony is... this wouldn't have happened if Jessie and I didn't want to go to the damn strip club! And I was also all for him watching her kids because we needed the money.

 

Amd I wrong to feel this way? If I am wrong how do I stop myself from feeling this way?

 

Any thoughts are appreciated. I'm at work right now so I may be a little slow with the replies. And I'm sorry this is long.

 

Thanks

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Well, I'm friends with J, her boyfriend. And my husband works with her. To avoid her he would have to quit his job and I would have to give up a long time friend. (And my husband has also been his friend a long time, so he would have to give J up as a friend also.)

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Well, I'm friends with J, her boyfriend. And my husband works with her. To avoid her he would have to quit his job and I would have to give up a long time friend. (And my husband has also been his friend a long time, so he would have to give J up as a friend also.)

 

Well having your husband give up his juob might be one option. Certainly you dont have to all hang out together. By the sounds of it you have let her cross your boundaries several times before and now the resentment is building up and she is crossing it even further. Are you going to stand up for yourself?

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There's an old expression: You lie down with dogs and you get fleas.

 

This woman has already shown herself to be someone who cheats and has no morals. She also does sexally inappropriate things like kissing and pinching nipples, and hanging out with other people's husbands and calling them at home.

 

This leads me to believe she is either already having an affair with your husband, or trying to tempt him into one. Calling you 'fat' is the least of your worries with her.

 

I would suggest that you immediately cool your friendship with her and stop doing social things with them, and tell your husband in no uncertain terms you don't want him haning out with her or having her call your house and do hangups. Something is very wrong there, and they may already be cheating.

 

Take this seriously, and if he won't talk about this or agree to stop seeing this woman socially, then you need to get him into marriage counseling before it is too late.

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I would suggest that you immediately cool your friendship with her and stop doing social things with them, and tell your husband in no uncertain terms you don't want him haning out with her or having her call your house and do hangups.

 

Actually you misunderstood that. She didn't call our house and hang up. She called and he saw it was her on caller ID and didn't answer.

 

And I'm not that worried she called me fat. I'm more pissed about that because they got together and talked about me behind my back. It would still piss me off weather it was my weight or something else.

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That's not my point... why is he scared and hanging up on her when she calls your house? that is what people do when they are having affairs. Otherwise if you are friends, that is extremely odd behavior on his part.

 

This is more than her talking about you behind your back. It sounds like something is going on between them (like an affair, or potential affair). You should be paying attention to that.

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I'm honestly afraid to express to him that I'm uncomfortable with them working in the same building. We are still in a financial howl from him being out of work for six months. If he quits his job because of her then he wioll sit around for another six months (maybe longer, considering the state of the economy right now) and this time he'll blame me and my jealousy for not working.

 

I know her talking about me is the least of my worries. That was only a small part of my post.

 

If I would have known she was working at the strip club I wouldn't have gone there. I don't think anyone wants to see someone they know up on stage when they walk into a strip club.

 

I wish there was some way I could find out if they are doing something... So I could just get out and move on.

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I wouldn't suggest quitting his job, just talk to him about why this woman makes you uncomfortable and that you'd rather he not socialize with her.

 

Start by asking him why he pretended it was not her when she called on the phone. He needs to have a good explanation for that. That can lead into a conversation about how you know she has a history of cheating, and she's very sexually suggestive, and it just makes you uncomfortable having your husband around another woman like her, especially if she has his listed as her '#2' on MySpace.

 

If you think he may be lying about an affair, the best thing to do is keep your eyes open for a while and see if you see any more unusual behavior. Many people in affairs are caught by checking his texts or calls on his cellphone, but don't let him know you might do it or he'll delete them all.

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Sounds to me like you need to simply discuss this with your husband. Matter of fact, you could print out your post and let him read it.

 

Communication is the key to this.

 

This is a matter between you and your husband.

 

Not sure if I would jump to an affair accusation.

 

I wouldn't say this woman has NO morals, they are probably a bit different from others.

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IMVHO, confiding to any other woman about marital problems, is not cool and totally unacceptable. Especially when your spouse is friends with that person-It gives them a tainted view of you and a one sided perspective of the marriage. Not to mention makes things really awkward and is the number one way affairs begin- by confiding in a person of the oppostie gender who "Understands you", "Agrees with you" and as time goes on, starts to feel like they may "be better" for you.

Personally, I think anyone who critisizes, just flat out critisizes a spouse in public is really low. After all, would he want you to go to a mutual male friend of yours and say "He's not as good in bed as he used to be" - I mean, what's the point ?

To be mean ?

 

Trust your instincts- They are usually correct. It's mind boggling how many people believe that their spouse cannot make the distinction between someone of the opposite sex who is merely a friend and who is interested in more. After all, as the spouse you know more than ANYONE how your spouse makes a move, what they find attractive, how they act when they like someone and when they are being less attentive than they should be.

 

Having been in a somewhat similar situation with my husband in the past- I can tell you this much- Do NOT forbid him from being friends with her- Much as you may want to, it will only add fuel to the fire- Besides, you cannot control his actions- If he wants her in his life, she's going to be. If you"forbid" him, he'll just be more secretive about it.

What you CAN and SHOULD do is have a talk with him. Tell him that while

you are not telling him who to be friends with, BUT this secrecy in this relationship is making you uncomfortable. If they really are just friends, he should have no problem picking up the phone when she calls. You should hang out with the two of them socially AND people at this workplace should know you are married.

Sadly, and this is a hard truth to face- No matter what you say or do, you cannot stop him from having an affair. It's impossible to affair proof your marriage since you simply cannot control another human being.

BUT- you CAN control your actions.

 

So, here's the actions you can do.

 

1. Talk to him about this and let him know how it is affecting your marriage

2. Seek out counseling or a mediator if you want to start more slowly.

3. Keep marital issues between the two of you- For you, don't include your mother. For him, don't include this other woman.

4. You could distance yourself from this woman (personally, I think that would only make things worse)

5. If you feel comfortable, talk to her and let her know that as your friend, you feel like she is crossing some boundaries.

 

And if nothing changes, you always have the options of Separating or filing for divorce. I truly hope it doesn't come to that.

 

You are fully within your rights as a wife to talk to him about this woman and what is going on. I think he really does have some explaining to do.

And I think you are going to have to think about asking him some tough questions- Whether between the two of you or a professional.

 

I really hope the two of you can work things out.

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Tangi i agree with you 95%... i don't think she should 'forbid' him to see her because no one can/should control another person like that, but many affairs have a flashpoint where they get started because the 2 people are spending too much private time together, and one person is trying to weaken and entice another person.

 

And once they actually start the affair, the effect is much more devastating.

 

So she can try to help it from reaching that flashpoint, by immediately cutting personal contact with this woman, and making it very clear to her husband that she thinks it has gotten out of control and they need to stop seeing each other privately if he values the marriage (i.e., an 'it's a wise idea not to go there' conversation).

 

Many times if a spouse is told in no uncertain terms how unhappy their partner is with their behavior, they will alter their own behavior becuase they do not want to endanger the marriage. If she can catch this situation before it gets to that point, it might prevent a disaster.

 

This woman has shown a history of both cheating and getting knocked up, so if she really wants the OP's husband, you can't be sure what she will do to try to entice him away. So it is better to try to nip it in the bud so to speak, where if the husband doesn't recognize the danger of this flirtation, the wife does, and makes it clear in no uncertain terms to the husband so that he too can perhaps wise up rather than yield in a weak moment.

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^ Thank you Tangi

 

I just want to say though, that I didn't include my mother by choice. He confessed that he lied to me about it being a telemarketer on the phone right in front of my Mom and my two brothers. So it was more his choice to include them then anyone.

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