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Facebook/Myspace problems with GF


tru8lue
How To Use Facebook In A Healthy Way
How To Use Facebook In A Healthy Way

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Ok so i've been dating this girl for almost 3 months now. In the beginning she mentioned to me how she is anti-facebook/myspace because it had caused so many problems for her in the past.

 

I use Facebook to keep up with events, parties, etc with acquaintances/friends who I already know in my social/hobby circle.

 

A month ago, my gf created a facebook to see pictures of her friend who is currently studying abroad. She adds me on facebook.

 

Now she is upset that I have been adding women to my friends list (she sees when I add people because she is my friend). She accuses me of 'hunting for other women'. I have not left any disrespectful, flirtatious comments on anyones page nor am I 'hunting for other women'.

 

How do I get her to see that i'm not disrespecting her by keeping in touch with female acquantainces that are part of our social/hobby network for completely innocent reasons? I don't see anything wrong with what I am doing, if I am, please point it out. I have no problem with her doing the same and she knows that.

 

Given the circumstances on why I add female acquaintances to my facebook/myspace list (who I already know and have known before I even met my gf), does anyone see this as disrespecting her? Everytime I am out with my gf, I always introduce her to all my acquaintances and friends of the opposite sex.

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Her reaction is a bit harsh. I've got over 400 friends on facebook & more men than women, because of my profession.

 

Tell her to look around at other people's profiles & see how many people in relationships add the opposite sex as friends.

 

Do you also add male friends? I would see her point a bit if one after another, all your new friends were females.

 

Mainly what you should point out is the flirty messages you have on your wall from females. Or more like, the lack of flirty messages. Hopefully.

 

I think she's making a big deal of nothing. I don't even talk to the majority of friends I have on there.

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I agree with Mythical. If these are legit contacts that you have made thru a hobby as you mentioned and you don't go pilfering thru the address book looking for good looking chicks to add (some men do this - I've read all about it here LOL) then she has no reason to set such severe restrictions.

 

Personally i don't like these sites either because they also tend to cause some type of annoyance for people in a relationship, but if a person uses it for its legit purpose it should not be so heavily sanctioned by an SO.

 

I think they are best suited for single people but that is not to say some people in relationships don't know how to use them and act appropriately.

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Well, you can't change that she feels disrespected by finding people who agree with you (which I happen to). The great thing will be if you can hit this issue head on and resolve it. Imagine everyone on here says, "she's right...no more female friends" Will that work for you? Talk to her about how you feel and ask her if she can give some time to the relationship to build trust and see that you're not out looking for other girls.

Best wishes!

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That is correct. I add both male and female acquantainces and I don't accept or make flirtatious comments on profiles. I'm not finding people to agree with me. I'm seriously trying to figure out if im doing something wrong, it just seems like she's being really ridiculous or I am doing something wrong.

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Doesn't she have guy friends that she adds? Seems like she has some trust issues. All you can do is tell her you aren't 'hunting.'

 

i think she is a brand new user who just created an account to view a friend's pics.

 

And on that topic I'd like to add a mini rant - i really hate it when people do this. I have rec'd numerous invites from casual friends to join facebook just to view their pics. If they really want to share them with me and knowing i do not have an account it is highly appreciated that they link me to a photobucket page. I feel like i am being solicited to join facebook by these "friends" who are acting as its agent. I don't care for it very much. You shouldnt have to join a networking site to view some pics sent by a friend.

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She has added some guy friends since joining and I don't have a problem with it.

 

What bother me more is that if she really was so anti-facebook/myspace, then she wouldn't have created a profile and added me as a friend. I feel like she added me to keep tabs on me or something (judging by the way she is acting and since I have given her no valid reasons whatsoever to feel that way).

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That is correct. I add both male and female acquantainces and I don't accept or make flirtatious comments on profiles. I'm not finding people to agree with me. I'm seriously trying to figure out if im doing something wrong, it just seems like she's being really ridiculous or I am doing something wrong.

 

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all, however it doesn't matter what I think as i'm not your gf. But I also don't understand how or why she would be getting mad/upset over something as small as this, especially so early into the relationship. Jealousy is never a good thing especially when it rears it's head so early into a relationship.

 

How does she feel about you having female friends in general? She gets mad about you adding them to facebook I can't imagine she'd be too happy about you having female friends in real life either. Maybe i'm wrong but just something i'd assume.

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That is correct. I add both male and female acquantainces and I don't accept or make flirtatious comments on profiles. I'm not finding people to agree with me. I'm seriously trying to figure out if im doing something wrong, it just seems like she's being really ridiculous or I am doing something wrong.

 

We are not trying to find something you did wrong. We're trying to fill in the blanks & see if there's any important information that you may have inadvertantly omitted. If we told you that you were right & she was wrong, but you were adding random hot girls that you don't know & leaving flirty messages, then our advice would be worthless because it was based on false assumptions. Don't get defensive, we're just trying to make sure we have the whole story.

 

Honestly, I agree with you. I would be ticked if my bf got accusatory to me because I added male friends. You should point out to her all these things..

 

-you add both males & females that you know in real life

-you guys don't leave flirty little messages to each other

-everyone has friends of both sexes on facebook regardless of their relationship statuses (statusi?)

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She has added some guy friends since joining and I don't have a problem with it.

 

What bother me more is that if she really was so anti-facebook/myspace, then she wouldn't have created a profile and added me as a friend. I feel like she added me to keep tabs on me or something (judging by the way she is acting and since I have given her no valid reasons whatsoever to feel that way).

 

I agree with you as well....maybe she did it to keep tabs. If she is adding guy friends she has no reason to even say anything at all. And if there are no flirtatious comments from these girls, even less of a reason for her to gripe about it.

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It destroyed one of my relationships. He did the same thing and to me it was like " Well, Im the only woman you should be interested in" you adding the girls on there like that makes her feel like she isnt enough. I know I felt that and we broke up because of myspace and facebook. If I was you - your gf should be ur priority and you should delete it.

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I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all, however it doesn't matter what I think as i'm not your gf. But I also don't understand how or why she would be getting mad/upset over something as small as this, especially so early into the relationship. Jealousy is never a good thing especially when it rears it's head so early into a relationship.

 

How does she feel about you having female friends in general? She gets mad about you adding them to facebook I can't imagine she'd be too happy about you having female friends in real life either. Maybe i'm wrong but just something i'd assume.

 

She doesn't like the fact that I still communicate with female acquaintances in general. I have completely innocent conversations with female acquaintances/friends who I have known for years occasionally on the phone that 99.9% of the time has to do with our hobby (like where the next party is at, events, etc). I have no problem with her doing that, but she seems to have dropped all male acquaintances/friends in general without me having asked her to.

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I would never ask her to drop her friends acquaintances. She doesn't talk to any of her guy acquaintances at all, but I never told her to stop doint it.

 

Now she tells me that then it should be fine for her to talk to her guy acquaintances.

 

I told her that she would be doing it out of spite and it would not resolve anything, she would continue to feel the same. I feel this is an insecurity issue.

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She doesn't like the fact that I still communicate with female acquaintances in general. I have completely innocent conversations with female acquaintances/friends who I have known for years occasionally on the phone that 99.9% of the time has to do with our hobby (like where the next party is at, events, etc). I have no problem with her doing that, but she seems to have dropped all male acquaintances/friends in general without me having asked her to.

 

Warning: HUGE red flag.

 

 

I agree 100% That is a huge red flag. She drops all of her male friends and expects you to do the same. Signs of extremely controlling behavior.

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Warning: HUGE red flag.

 

i agree, that is a red flag. along with her getting upset that you are adding female friends that you already know in real life.

 

maybe this isn't the girl for you? tell her that you're not interested in the jealous act.

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She doesn't like the fact that I still communicate with female acquaintances in general. I have completely innocent conversations with female acquaintances/friends who I have known for years occasionally on the phone that 99.9% of the time has to do with our hobby (like where the next party is at, events, etc). I have no problem with her doing that, but she seems to have dropped all male acquaintances/friends in general without me having asked her to.

 

I have to agree with the others that this is a redflag. If a new relationship you might want to really consider how this might end up. You can read gobs of threads on this site from guys who were controlled in this manner and/or from women who control in this manner. It gets pretty suffocating. It isn't just women tho, some men behave the same way. It is a form of control. Some insecure people can be very controlling but they don't see themselves as such, which makes the problem even worse. It's like a former boss that i had who was a huge micromanager but she saw herself as a "mentor" and a guider..umm, she wasn't. She was flat out controlling. Similar what this girl is doing, she probably views this as doing things for the "good of your relationship" when in fact it is a control tactic. The correlation I am making to my former boss is that if the person in question doesn't see this is a problem at all the likelihood of them correcting it is very slim.

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I also concur that this is a red flag. Someone suggested you should delete your accounts, but seriously, it's more than just a website account. For me, it's how I stay in contact with my friends who have moved away. It's how I find out what my friends are doing in our similar career paths so I know what to expect & prepare for. You absolutely should not cut off contact with your friends to make your gf of 3 months happy.

 

I think the best thing to do would to have a conversation with her & gently bring up these issues.. how she is cutting off friends & wants you to do the same, & that insecurity is not healthy for a relationship. It is very difficult for insecure people to "get over it", but give her a chance to recognize these problems & attempt to fix them.

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I would also ask her exactly what her fears are and ask that she list them one by one. Address them as she gives them to you. Maybe you will uncover something in the talk that can be fixed. It might be a longshot, but there is a chance that a good dialogue can make her feel less heartburn and make you feel more comfortable.

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