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I want a stable long relationship but we've gone too fast/too sexual


morefriction

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I met a wonderful person two months ago. She is smart, witty, funny and we compliment each other quite well. We started off as friends and it quickly became physical within about a month of knowing each other.

Due to her line of work she had to move accross the country. Over the phone we were trying to figure out about our relationship ( were we friends? sex buddies? BF/GF?)

Tearfully she told me that she liked me but wasn't sure it was going to work out. She was confused. She was a career woman and didn't want to have a relationship. She wasn't sure if she would love/like me as much as I did her. I already had feelings for her and decided the best course of action was to terminate the relationship. I didn't contact her for two days and called her to tell her my decision when she told me that she thought about it long a hard. She talked to her family about it. Wrote her thoughts down and realized so many things. She told me that she was willing to give it a chance.

I decided to give it a chance too.

Now that we are apart I feel like we've gotten too sexual at the beginning. And I don't want to go down this slippery slope. I did meet her again. And we both felt we connected on different levels. However we got sexual again. I am confused. I really like her and want a long term relationship. But has our rush hindered that possibility?

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I don't think the rush hinders the ability, but the fact that you feel that way means that you need to evaluate what it is you are feeling.

 

What is it that you need right now?

 

If it is just because other people don't get sexual fast, I don't think you can compare. This is your own relationship you are creating with this person.

 

If it is because you are not feeling comfortable with sex so fast then that is the answer to your own question. I think you can ask her how she feels, if she thinks it is too fast. I think she would respect your feelings. With my current boyfriend, we felt this way too and just added on some time to hang without sex and get to feel more comfortable with each other. I still think we rushed expectations and sex, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it won't work out or anything!

 

It's hard to stop having sex, that's the only problem- it's tempting because you've already been there, but you could discuss any things you can do. So I can only suggest to try and negotiate it so that you are plenty of quality time getting to know her. You can't undone what is already done...

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Not necessarily. The good thing about being LDR (for a while) is that there is no way your relationship can be based entirely on sex because you can't do it that often!

 

My bf & I got physical pretty fast. 8 months later & we're still going strong! We had to be LDR for a while when I had to move temporarily.

 

If all you do is have sex, that is not a good basis for a relationship entirely in iteself. But you have not doomed your relationship to failure by doing it too soon. As long as you communicate openly & enjoy each other (more than just sex) that is a good start to a relationship.

 

If she lives accross the country from each other, get webcams so you can talk & see each other for free!

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I used to wonder the same, that sex too early would kill the hope for a relationship. But I realized that it doesn't matter. If you're compatible on other levels too, it could certainly work out. I've also seen many replies on here about people that have had sex on a first date and a relationship came out of it...so you never know. With my current boyfriend this happened too, things happened very fast sexually, but it doesn't worry me anymore because we still get along great on all other levels and we're both comfortable with what we've done.

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what is wrong with sex? you think it's only based on that? you feel nothing else?

 

 

No we are very similar. We have the same job. We laugh at the same jokes. She likes to hear about my day as I do her. Recently our conversations have been turned to mostly being playful obnoxious. How can I have a meaningful conversation with her?

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It sounds like you both want to make a go of it and get along very well so I wouldn't worry about what WAS...just focus on what IS. Having a long distance relationship takes work...she just moved away..is she committed to staying where she is on a permanent basis? What about your career? Long distance relationships are workable but what are the future goals as far as being together. If neither of your careers are mobile, or you are both committed to remaining in your respective locations then what will happen to the two of you as a couple in the long term. I think those are more important considerations than the timing of when you two had sex.

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