Jump to content

I don't speak "man"...guys please help me understand this!!


forgingon

Recommended Posts

My boyfriend (of a little more than a year) told me recently that his best friend is going to either leave his wife or have an affair.

 

Coming from a failed marriage (where my husband had an affair and left for the other woman) this is a huge issue to me. I like his wife (who we socialize with) and feel strongly that infidelity is a bad choice that at best would make an inevitable separation worse and at worst would make a repairable marriage irrepairable. I do understand that the marriage is not satisfying things he needs...and I know it is not my place to get involved.

 

And I have to struggle with my own trust issues...(will I see it if it is happening with my bf ...and will having a best friend who has always been married and is suddenly single make my bf want to be free again so they can play the field together?)

 

So...here are my questions...

What does the fact that he told me mean in regards to his committement to me?

 

Would having a best friend who is single encourage him to cheat/want to be single again?

 

And...here is the paranoid part...

 

He went away for a weekend with the boys recently...football game out of town...wearing cologne. Do men wear cologne when they are hanging with the guys? Would he possibly be helping his buddy pick up (the buddy has been married for twenty years/my bf was never married and was single for five years before me...)

 

Because of my marital history I know that my compass is off regarding men/relationships...so I always try to take a step back and get input before jumping the gun and making assumptions. I try really, really hard not to make my bf pay for my ex-husbands behavior...not to be too needy, not to distrust him, not to ride those waves of insecurity and fear...but last time I didn't see it coming, argued with everyone that my husband had 'too much integrity' to cheat, and was completely blindsided.

 

Also my ex was really forthright and talkative (not a typical man...)...until the last year where he was very quiet and held back...my boyfriend is just quiet by nature, holds his 'cards close' and is more traditionally 'male' in the way he communicates...so I often don't understand him...and misinterpret.

 

So guys...do you have any feedback?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He told you because you are his girlfriend and you will most likely notice a distance between your two friends. Your boyfriend is protecting his friend by being upfront with you so that you don't confront the wife and ask her what's going on.

 

I will get clean and wear cologne everywhere other than sporting events so that doesn't necessarily mean anything. You put makeup on in the morning, right? That doesn't mean you're doing that to impress other guys and pick them up.

 

His friend is making some iffy decisions, but it remains to be seen what effect that will have on him. If your relationship is fine then I wouldn't worry about it. Just realize that this sort of stuff becomes self-fulfilling prophecy...the more you try to keep tabs on what's going on the more everything will fall through your fingers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow you are reading too much into this. He told you because he is upset about it and needed to tell somebody. Yes I spray cologne before I exit my house, don't you wear perfume? He is going out with his buddies because that's what guys do.

 

If you keep having trust issues like this you are going to loose him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow you are reading too much into this. He told you because he is upset about it and needed to tell somebody. Yes I spray cologne before I exit my house, don't you wear perfume? He is going out with his buddies because that's what guys do.

 

If you keep having trust issues like this you are going to loose him.

 

I know I read too much into stuff...I really, really know it...that is why I come here and ask...my marriage only ended two years ago after thirteen years together...and I was completely blindsided by the person I had trusted more than anyone, ever, in my whole life. I work really, really hard at not letting my bf feel/know about my fears...our communication is always light and fun (that is what I want too, we have a great time together) I'm am not in anyway clingy (in fact, I offered to take his daughter for a sleepover with my kids so he could go out of town for two days to go to the football game with the guys). And I always, always encourge him to go out with his buddies...I get that he needs man time...really.

 

And I know my trust issues could kill everything. And thank you for the input. By hearing it from men.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

He went away for a weekend with the boys recently...football game out of town...wearing cologne. Do men wear cologne when they are hanging with the guys? Would he possibly be helping his buddy pick up (the buddy has been married for twenty years/my bf was never married and was single for five years before me...)

 

My cousin's husband went to the football game that was at the Rogers Center yesterday. He wore cologne. He went with his father in law, my dad, my dad's cousin, and my cousins uncle (my uncles brother in law).

 

I wear cologne when I go to work. Sometimes when I go to school, sometimes I'm in such a rush to leave I forget to put it on. I also wear cologne when I go out somewhere.

 

 

Last year my dad with my uncle and cousins husband went to the football game in Buffallo. It was the game during the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. One of my dads cousin, asked one of their cousins if he could go. This guy had to ask his wife and she said no. She didnt want him to go to the states cause shes scared he would leave her (not that shes all that to begin with and if he left her the better for him). My mom, my aunt and my cousin didn't question my dad, my uncle, or my cousins husband not once. All they said was have fun at the game.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My cousin's husband went to the football game that was at the Rogers Center yesterday. He wore cologne. He went with his father in law, my dad, my dad's cousin, and my cousins uncle (my uncles brother in law).

 

I wear cologne when I go to work. Sometimes when I go to school, sometimes I'm in such a rush to leave I forget to put it on. I also wear cologne when I go out somewhere."

 

Thanks. The thing is that the only time my husband ever wore cologne was when he started cheating or if we were going to something really, really formal. I didn't see it at the time...I just thought he was caring more about how he presented himself...but in retrospect...it was around the time the affair started. After thirteen years with him, his behavior is my point of reference regarding men...and so I'm really just getting my 'sea legs'...so to speak.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you know you have this problem then are you seeing a therapist to help you get over it? I couldn't imagine not trusting my partner and always wondering when she was going to stab me in the back.

 

Yes I am. Weekly actually. (which almost makes me laugh...I have a 'shrink' I see weekly...what happened to me??? I used to be so balanced!!!) In the mean time I don't want to screw up a good thing with someone I really, really care about because my past relationship damaged my ability to trust. So... I talk to my brother-in-law (who tells me I'm nutz and to stop worrying - which is not that easy.) and I post here to get feedback and help me 're-frame' how I'm thinking. And with my boyfriend I laugh and tell him to have a good time, and focus on the great times we are having. (and do my best to be normal.)

 

And I've told my bf that I have an issue about trusting myself to see it when there is a problem. Which is the truth. That really is the issue to me. How do I trust myself to know if there is a problem? I didn't see it last time and it tore my life/family apart. I feel like if I had seen that there was a problem earlier I may have been able to fix it.. So I am always watching. Which is also ineffective and maybe counterproductive.

 

I know that we have great chemistry and seem to want the same things in life but I'm not sure what his potential to commit is, and in the long run I want someone who I can make a go of it with.

 

My trust stuff is a problem. I'm trying to fix it by trying to understand how he communicates things so I can trust myself to understand where he is.

And really, I appreciate your post/reply. That helps me in several ways and probabaly helps him too if I keep balanced. (I really am a good catch...if he can weather my slightly neurotic side... hee...)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you talked to him about your trust issues? If not I think it would be wise to let him know that it is there and you are working on it. If you were just starting to date this guy I would prob tell you that you aren't ready to date yet.

 

Give yourself some time with the therepist and you'll see a change.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you talked to him about your trust issues? If not I think it would be wise to let him know that it is there and you are working on it. If you were just starting to date this guy I would prob tell you that you aren't ready to date yet.

 

Give yourself some time with the therepist and you'll see a change.

 

I have talked to him a bit. I don't want to weigh him down with it, it is not his problem. We were friends in highschool who re-connected ten months after my separation, and I had always had feelings for him or I wouldn't have started seeing him. He knows the whole story, and he said early on "It may be that it is too early for you...but we are here now, and I am a patient man...". Perfect answer. And in truth it is way better than it was, and rarely rears it's head now...but this thing with his best friend just hit my buttons a bit. I try to keep it to myself and calm myself when I get afraid.

 

But sometimes the other side of it (the whole issue re: can he commit?) makes it harder. He's never married, although I totally understand why he didn't marry his daughter's mom. He's had many girlfriends (but he's over 40, of course he has.) and he has a really well rounded, full bachelor life. I like his life...I'm sure he does! I would never want him to loose things that are important to him...I'm just not sure how much room he has in his life for a woman.

 

Part of me thinks that he is the wiser of the two of us, and can pace himself, and just enjoy things where we are now...and that I should take my lead from him...because I DO enjoy where we are now. I have a lot of fun with him, and the chemistry is there, and I see that long term it is a good fit. The conflict is...will he be able to make enough room in his life for me...His mother said to me 'he's not the marrying type dear," (and patted my hand...seriously funny.) I told her "that's ok. I've been married, don't particularly need it again." And I don't. But eventually I will want more of him than I have now and I'm not sure if he would. But it is too soon to ask for him and for me...and I get that...

 

BTW. You are awesome to take your time and answer me. And your answers are seriously helpful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe he hasn't gotten married because he hasn't met the right person. I don't think I would see it as a bad thing that someone his age has never been married. I would maybe see it as a yellow flag and I am sure you would have seen it turn red in the last year or you would have left. Try and look at this issue as he hasn't made any bad decisions yet.

 

As long as he is aware of your insecurities then I think it is fine and he is ok with it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need to remember that your current guy and your ex are two different people. Its hard to get over some fear triggers (smell is particularly strong, so I wouldn`t be surprised that cologne triggered bad memories if it was connected to your ex's cheating patterns).

 

Its hard to get over some of those triggers, but when you notice one, step back, tell yourself that that memory trigger is from another time, for another person. Let yourself get some logic going ("oh yeah, some guys just wear cologne, just like I put on makeup!") and take a deep breath.

 

Its hard to get out of the emotional / panic mode (speaking from experience!). The best thing to do is to calm down and try get the logical side speaking for a bit. If you`re always watching your current guy for things to mistrust, you might create a self-fulfilling prophecy...

 

There is a line between being careful and being overly mistrusting...

 

Good luck with the therapist - is it helping at all? I found a counselor helpful myself, but I know from experience that some "mesh" with me better than others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just want to add to this thread that I really admire what you are doing in terms of your approach to dealing with the previous infidelity. It takes a strong person to not only recognize the insecurities but also to test them. By giving him that freedom when you otherwise wouldn't because it feels uncomfortable is great! As psychologists might put it, it tests your negative core beliefs and makes you a more confident person over time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why Does He Want To See You In A Bi...
Why Does He Want To See You In A Bikini?

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...