Girlfriend kissing at work

[Baily]

who cares about her privacy of the diary...she cheated...

 

call her on it...she'll yell about you 'invading her space' but who cares...she's a cheat. Call her on it and tell her to come clean.

 

you may have an STD...she stated she kissed him...you can get diseases...and any woman stating to kiss a guy at work has to be prone to have done other things....

 

...one night you may have gotten sloppy seconds and she didn't care.

 

Call her on it...or you'll never trust again...My B cheated on me and I later read her journal to find out that she was still lying to me. I called her on it..she yelled about her privacy which I told her to 'be quiet' and that I was done with the lies. We are working on the relationship - only because she's agreed to allow me to read EVERYTHING. Without trust there is nothing. I do not know if my relationship will continue, but I will tell you that if you do not call her on this SHE WILL do this again and again. If now is the time to break up....better to find out now than later. (easier said than done) -ask yourself if you have to deal with this - would you rather get it out now or waste your minimal time you have in life in a lie? Truth will set you both free.

[Rabican]

Damn man stand up for yourself!!!!

 

Your girlfriend kissed another guy which is cheating, and said she has strong feelings for him. And she is staying with you for financial reasons.

 

And what is your response? Do nothing, and worry about the fact that you snooped. No wonder shes kissing another guy, you are the perfect doormat for her. She can walk on you, do as she wishes and you say 'yes dear'.

 

Do yourself a favor, and simply tell her what you found say that you dropped her diary and read a page when you picked it up. Tell her you snooped, whatever. But her indescretions do not stack up to your snooping. Simply put, she can be mad at you for snooping when you are done being mad at her for cheating.

[waveseer]

Wow, this is the third page and nobody has questioned whether the entry was real or fantasy? You had no business reading her diary and if I were her that would be your first strike. Come clean as soon as possible so she can forgive you and you can discuss what you read with her for clarification.

 

Private writings are private and that means you too. Is she not allowed to have a thought that you aren't privvy to?

 

I believe you have the larger issue, she's not been proven to have cheated at all.

[lady00]

Wow, this is the third page and nobody has questioned whether the entry was real or fantasy? You had no business reading her diary and if I were her that would be your first strike. Come clean as soon as possible so she can forgive you and you can discuss what you read with her for clarification.

 

Private writings are private and that means you too. Is she not allowed to have a thought that you aren't privvy to?

 

I believe you have the larger issue, she's not been proven to have cheated at all.

 

I think it would be naive to chalk it up to fantasy. That's just me though.

[waveseer]

I think it would be naive to chalk it up to fantasy. That's just me though.

 

After 8 years together it wouldn't be okay to reserve judgement or consider other possibilities until the matter can be discussed?

[tylercdurden2004]

Wow, this is the third page and nobody has questioned whether the entry was real or fantasy? You had no business reading her diary and if I were her that would be your first strike. Come clean as soon as possible so she can forgive you and you can discuss what you read with her for clarification.

 

Private writings are private and that means you too. Is she not allowed to have a thought that you aren't privvy to?

 

I believe you have the larger issue, she's not been proven to have cheated at all.

 

Of course he had no business reading her diary. He did its done.

 

How would you prove cheating? By observing it personally?

 

I guess she could confess to cheating, but then whos to say what she says isnt fantasy.

[waveseer]

Of course he had no business reading her diary. He did its done.

 

How would you prove cheating? By observing it personally?

 

I guess she could confess to cheating, but then whos to say what she says isnt fantasy.

 

You are conjecturing. This is an 8 year relationship and by that fact alone conjecture should be left out of it.

[tylercdurden2004]

You are conjecturing. This is an 8 year relationship and by that fact alone conjecture should be left out of it.

 

 

I assume by conjecturing you mean I am assuming?

 

8 years irrelevant. Its not a trade union with seniority. Again how should he approach it then if he shouldnt *assume* what is written in the diary is her record of her days. I assumed thats what a diary is for. Could be wrong though.

 

So how would you suggest he handle it then?

[lost1607307474]

I think you should suck up all the guilt you have regarding the diary entry you read and just tell her that you know what happened. She may be angry that you read the diary entry, but I think by then there will be bigger issues that you two need to discuss for example the fact that she kissed another guy and the fact that she is only staying with you due to financial ties, etc.

[waveseer]

I assume by conjecturing you mean I am assuming?

 

8 years irrelevant. Its not a trade union with seniority. Again how should he approach it then if he shouldnt *assume* what is written in the diary is her record of her days. I assumed thats what a diary is for. Could be wrong though.

 

So how would you suggest he handle it then?

 

To me conjecturing is saying well if he says this she could say that so why believe her anyway.

 

The length of the relationship speaks volumes about how well they know and like each other, it most certainly does have bearing. If the op didn't think the relationship was worth getting some outside opinions, we wouldn't be here talking about it.

 

I suggest he confess that he peeked in her diary and ask her what she meant by what he read.

 

After he hears her response he will have much more information upon which to base a decision. Right now all he has is her private thoughts which we all know can be a bit shocking to others.

[tylercdurden2004]

To me conjecturing is saying well if he says this she could say that so why believe her anyway.

 

The length of the relationship speaks volumes about how well they know and like each other, it most certainly does have bearing. If the op didn't think the relationship was worth getting some outside opinions, we wouldn't be here talking about it.

 

I suggest he confess that he peeked in her diary and ask her what she meant by what he read.

 

After he hears her response he will have much more information upon which to base a decision. Right now all he has is her private thoughts which we all know can be a bit shocking to others.

 

Re-read the first post. He says "I havent treated her well" etc. Doesnt sound to me like their relationship is one of open communcation. Hence the reason why she went looking outside the relationship. To me it doesnt sound like they know each other all that well. This is where boundaries come in. Many people stay long term in relationships that are not healthy or happy.

 

After he hears her response, yes he will ahve more information. I dont think anyone was promoting he just pack up a leave without saying a thing. My assumption is that he would have a conversation about why he was, if he in fact choose to leave.

 

As for 8 years. It doesnt matter. If she did this after 2 dates or 2 years or 8 years its still cheating. Bottom line it. But again that depends on a person boundaries. Moving your boundaries as to what you consider acceptable behaviour because of time is sign of unhealthy boundaries. A boundary is what you accept vs dont accept. Its how you teach people to treat you.

 

Cheating never "just happens" there are reasons behind it. Usually the person who cheats is not happy for what ever reason. My guess is in her case he hasnt treated her well, probably takes her for granted etc. This however does not excuse cheating.

[waveseer]

Nobody knows for sure that she did go looking outside the relationship all we know for sure is that she thought about kissing a guy at work long enough to write it down. Is that cheating?

 

Conditions are not ideal in most relationships but there must be something holding the two people together and the longer that something persists the more likely they are to forgive each other their transgressions, it's human nature.

 

If she was only daydreaming about kissing a guy at work then forgiving the op for snooping would be the more difficult task.

 

Bottom line, neither we nor the op has enough information upon which to base any accusation of cheating unless you think that contemplating is equivalent.

[tylercdurden2004]

Then things went bad, it was open and in my hand, our relationship has been rocky, so I thought I might find some insight to her feelings.

 

how others have overcome the trust problems after something like this.

 

In the OPs second post he mentions a rocky relationship. After 8 years he was looking into some "insights" into her feelings.

 

Doesnt sound to me like he has been all that present in the relationship.

 

My live-in girlfriend of 8 years kissed a co-worker last month. I inadvertently read a diary entry and found out she had strong feelings for him but for now she will stick with me due to financial ties. I was drawn by curiosity to read more later that day; a previous entry said she kissed him.

 

I know I have not been an ideal mate and know where some of my faults lay, I am trying to do better and our relationship is improving already (one week after my attempts to treat her better) so she evidently cares for me and was craving attention.

 

But obviously, trust is a problem now.

 

I try to think of subtle comments that would hit close to home and then read into what she says; my mind races to the worst when she was a few minutes late from work; etc. etc.

 

I really wish she would voluntarily admit it; that would go a long way to rebuilding trust. I don’t know if I can deal with the trust issue without her involved, but to tell her I read her diary would bring up her own trust issues. I'm quite confused…any help?

 

The OP says she mentioned kissing him, as well as only staying with the OP for financial reasons. He has been sponging off of her. His words. Along with not being present. Sounds to me like she is probably feeling taken for granted. I dont blame her for being unhappy and wanting to leave. However expressing your unhappiness through direct communication or leaving the relationship outright is very different from cheating.

 

He also talks about trust. It doesnt seem like either do much to instill trusst in each other (his reading her private diary, and her cheating).

 

Remoob people have stated what they would do in your situation based on their boundaries. You dont seem to know where yours are.

 

What matters is your boundaries, again of which you appear to have none.

 

What is a boundary? If I draw a line in front of you (crosswise), tell you the side you are standing on is "your space" then I step over that line and push you back. What are you going to do?

 

Whatever you do, is "your" boundary whether or not its congruent with your feelings. If its not congruent with your feelings that where the unhappiness starts. Thats were resentment and the like build up.

 

 

If you do want to work on this she will need to want to as well for it to be sucessful. But most of the work is up to you my friend. You will need to show her being with bring security. Thats means no sponging ( move out get your own place) and it means taking steps towards long term. Both are going to entail a heck of a lot of work as this kiss is the first sign you have acknowledged something is wrong. My guess is you dont really listen to her. She has probably given you many signs. Maybe she has told you outright. But this seems to be the first indication that you are acknowledging it.

 

What does matter is peoples behaviours towards each other based on mutually agreed upon "expectations". Wedding vows are explicit expectations for intance people agree upon.

 

What determines expectations of behaviours is your own behaviours especially when someone does something you dont feel is congruant with being in a relationship ie cheating. In short you teach people how to treat you. Thats boundaries.

 

 

Part of what I have written largely about boundaries. I cant say enough about these. This relationship appears to have no boundaries or loose ones at that. Boundaries set the expected behviours that governs a relationship. People in helathy relationship have boundaries for each other that are agreed upon. These are indicated by behaviour not words.

 

Remember:

 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

 

 

As for her forgiving him easier if what was written in the diary was true. This is exactly what I am talking about with loose boundaries. It shouldnt matter whether what she wrote was true. The fact is he "abused" her trust by reading something private, if in fact that is her boundary. True or not. Same goes for length of a relationship. It doesnt matter how long its been going on for. What matters is boundaries.

[waveseer]

I have a plausible explanation for everything he read in her diary.

 

Let's say she has tried discussing her concerns about the relationship with him and not been satisfied with the result. Maybe she doesn't want to end the relationship but she does want him to understand she's being serious. Some people are against ultimatums on principle. So she decides to leave a little trail of what could happen in the future if he doesn't begin to take her more seriously.

 

I believe this explanation is more likely than her actually cheating.

 

My reasoning is that if she cared so little for him she wouldn't even try to hide it in a diary. So she does care, but if she does care then she would have to know that him finding it would be upsetting. If it were true I seriously doubt she'd want him to know.

 

It's a plant and he fell for it.

[tylercdurden2004]

So a threat. If that was the case its a dumpable offence in my books. Thats me and thats my boundaries.

[waveseer]

So a threat. If that was the case its a dumpable offence in my books. Thats me and thats my boundaries.

 

It's not a threat if it's in her private diary, it's a daydream. If he reads it she gets the desired importance factor and if he doesn't she uses it as a plan. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it's possible that she hasn't cheated.

[lady00]

I think the real explanation is usually the simplest. I think in this case that explanation is that she kissed another guy. I think it's grasping at straws to try to make this into some convoluted plan on her part. If it was her plan to make up the story and have him see it then I can't imagine why on earth she would think that would be a good idea and somehow come to the conclusion that he would realize that it was just a threat and that she actually hadn't gone through with it.

 

If she is indeed playing that type of game, then IMO, she's not worth the OP's time. If I did something like that to my bf he would dump me. I can guarantee he would not stand for that. Then again, he'd dump me if I kissed another guy...even if he realized he wasn't treating me the way he should...because that's not how you resolve problems in a relationship.

[tylercdurden2004]

If I did something like that to my bf he would dump me. I can guarantee he would not stand for that. Then again, he'd dump me if I kissed another guy...even if he realized he wasn't treating me the way he should...because that's not how you resolve problems in a relationship.

 

So hes got clear boundaries that you understand?

[lady00]

So hes got clear boundaries that you understand?

 

Yes. Very much...with stuff like this. He hates cheating, games or lying. And so do I. It really is wonderful and simplifies things greatly for us. We know what boundaries not to cross.

[tylercdurden2004]

It really is wonderful and simplifies things greatly for us.

 

 

I like this. Maybe its why great relationships seem for the most part effortless.

[yeawutever]

I hope that by now you confronted her about what you found written in her diary entries. What if she never tells you about, then are you going to let her walk away from it?