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Girlfriend kissing at work


Remoob

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SIGNS OF A TOXIC BOSS | THERAPIST R...
SIGNS OF A TOXIC BOSS | THERAPIST REACTS TO RAISSA KENGNE

My live-in girlfriend of 8 years kissed a co-worker last month. I inadvertently read a diary entry and found out she had strong feelings for him but for now she will stick with me due to financial ties. I was drawn by curiosity to read more later that day; a previous entry said she kissed him. I quit reading at this point, the diary is none of my business, and as much as I want to find out the whole story, I am keeping her privacy. Hope no one will lecture about reading this, I know it was wrong and feel guilty.

 

I have decided that my first action should be to do nothing right now! (other than what I should have done all along) So she doesn't know I am privy to the kiss. I know I have not been an ideal mate and know where some of my faults lay, I am trying to do better and our relationship is improving already (one week after my attempts to treat her better) so she evidently cares for me and was craving attention. But obviously, trust is a problem now. I am finding myself looking at her during a 'cheating scene' in a movie to see her reaction (hoping for guilt, I'm not proud to say); I try to think of subtle comments that would hit close to home and then read into what she says; my mind races to the worst when she was a few minutes late from work; etc. etc. This is consuming me. One thing that keeps coming to mind is 'how could she do this? ... Her ex-boyfriend cheated on her.... and it devastated her, she knows how it feels. In the past I have trusted her completely with other guys, she has never been jealous of my female friends either. This is so new and different... it sucks!

I know at some point we need counseling to address the years of baggage but what I don't know is how to keep my mind from suspicion in the mean time. And also should I tell her that I know? I really wish she would voluntarily admit it; that would go a long way to rebuilding trust. I don’t know if I can deal with the trust issue without her involved, but to tell her I read her diary would bring up her own trust issues. I'm quite confused…any help?

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I inadvertently read a diary entry and found out she had strong feelings for him but for now she will stick with me due to financial ties.

 

Not to lecture but how do you inadvertently read a diary? I am guilty of reading my ex's that I had found in the closet. But I had to open it to read it. I think you need to sit and talk with her. Maybe not come right out and say what you did but talk about your relationship and see where it goes from there.

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First. No you shouldnt have but you did. Thats done and done.

 

As for her I think you should dump her. How you go about that is your choice. If you have been a bad mate to her and she went outside the relationship my guess is you are done anyways unless you are willing to put some serious serious work in.

 

For me its a dealbreaker. She'd be dumped.

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No matter what you did or did not do- it doesn't change the fact that she cheated on you- Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If she's willing to keep this from you, I doubt "guilt" is going to kick in and make her confess.

 

You have to have a serious talk with her- NOW !

If she is merely using you for financial reasons, you need to know.

 

I think you two need to sit down and have a chat about your relationship.

 

If I were you, I would simply say you read the diary and ask what's going on and if that's how she really feels both about him and you and that a decision needs to be made- pronto. No more stringing you along.

 

You could also just say that you've "picked up" on her "closeness" to this particular friend and tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and see what she says.

 

In either case, you need to have this conversation as soon as possible.

Whether you made a mistake by reading her diary or not, no one deserves to be used by someone, cheated on, and strung along while their SO pines for who they really want to be with.

 

Time to lay down the law- you have to.

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she will stick with me due to financial ties

 

i guess since you didn't read the entire entry, you don't know the full story, but if this is true - this is very upsetting. i think there's a difference between "I kissed someone else - i made a huge mistake because i love my bf!" and "I kissed someone else, but i need to stay with my boyfriend because of the money." that's just messed up if she is using you for your cash and home and car. I think that's a dumpable offense right there.

 

i don't know if you've been a lousy boyfriend or what is going on, but i think don't beat yourself up too bad.

 

why were you tempted to read her journal? are you guys having other problems?

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Remoob. It takes a lot of courage to work on a relationship, especially when infidelity comes up. I don't usually advocate dumping someone, or kicking them to the curb as the simple solution. In your case you discovered something, you have acknowledged your weaknesses as well as making attempts to improve the relationship.

 

The only thing I would caution you on, is making sure you two are communicating fully about your relationship. Ensure that you talk about this with each other. The discussion needs to be on the status of this relationship.

 

Not sure what to tell you about the diary reading. I probably wouldn't bring it up either. But I would bring up the relationship. Especially acknowledging the rough periods, the good things and your committment to it. I would tell her that I know the relationship needs work. You have been committed for 8 years and you would like to continue to work on it. Make sure she is at least on that same page. If she is acting indifferent to your communication and attempts then maybe you need to re-evaluate.

 

Kudos for being stronger than most and making a sincere committment to the relationship. Just make sure she is equally as strong and sincere in her committment. You both need to be on the same page going forward.

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So if she has been less than upfront about the kiss and staying with him for financial reasons how is he to know she will be upfront in their communication and how will he know she is communication "fully"?

 

I agree. How is he to know that she isn't a bunch of talk and her reassuring him is just her continuing to lie while using him?

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It sounds to me like, she's looking for a way out.

 

You've been living together for 8 years, and are not married? Why is that? Did she ever want to get married at one point and you said, "no"?

 

Is your relationship going anywhere? It sounds like things haven't been good for a while.

You say she was starving for attention, or something to that affect? Why?

 

Have you ever cheated on her?

 

Do you love her enough to want to save the relationship, or not really?

 

I think that you should tell her you read her diary, and let the chips fall where they may.

In my opinion, there is no need to tip toe around it.

 

It may be an opportunity for the two of you to be honest with one another, and say what you really feel.

 

You'll most likely get her honest reaction, since it may come as a complete surprise to her.

 

And I say, "may" because you know when someone has read your diary. At least I do. When my ex read my diary, I knew it. And I waited for him to confess, which he eventually did.

 

So she may already know.

 

Anywho, I really think you should tell her, that way you guys can have it out, be honest, and maybe your relationship will grow.

 

Best of luck!

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Wow, what the hell are all you guys talking about. I’ve been with her for 8 years and she makes one mistake. As far as the financial stuff goes; I live in HER house, she felt bad about our relationship and wrote her thoughts and feelings, there may be some truth but to think she has been with me for 8 years (letting me sponge off her the whole way through college) and doesn’t have any feelings for me other than on payday is ridiculous. Any study of infidelity will show that there is some fault on both sides, although that doesn’t lessen either side. She did express some guilt in the diary too, so she’s not a complete * * * * * .

 

The question is really how to work on the relationship, not if I should. Who knows, maybe it is destine to end, but if there is willingness to work on it, I have to at least try.

 

As far as “inadvertently” reading the passage, well, this diary is really just a plain notebook, I was looking for some paper to write a letter and before I knew it I was looking at a diary entry. Then things went bad, it was open and in my hand, our relationship has been rocky, so I thought I might find some insight to her feelings. I couldn’t resist once I had it open in my hand. Like they say "The devil made me do it the first time, the second time I done it on my own"

 

Thanks for all the input so far. I am especially interested in hearing how women would react in her shoes, and how others have overcome the trust problems after something like this.

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I don't think you'd even need to read anymore than "I kissed someone else" and "I'm only staying with my boyfriend for financial reasons"...

That seems like plenty of information to me but if you need to know something else, ask her and stop torturing yourself!

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You do not have enough evidence to warrant ending an 8-year relationship. Now having said that, there is only one direction this relationship can go unless you sit down and have a very serious discussion with your girlfriend. You'll need to "man up" and tell her about the diary. Set the right framework by apologizing, tell her what you read, and also why you stopped short of reading the rest. Tell her how difficult it has been since you read it. But also tell her how much the relationship means to you, and that you're committed to do what it takes to make the necessary improvements. However, there are three issues that need to be addressed:

 

1. There must be full disclosure on her part - both physically and emotionally.

 

2. What was the root cause for her actions. In other words, the kiss wasn't the problem. The problem was whatever the underlying reason was that allowed her to green light the kiss.

 

3. Loss of trust is very difficult to rebuild, but it can be done. Is she committed to the long term rebuilding process.

 

Hopefully once you've had this discussion, you'll know where things stand from her perspective, which is what you definitely need before you can determine how best to proceed.

 

Best of Luck,

 

Travis

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WOW! Dont like hearing what you dont wanna hear eh!

 

Remoob people have stated what they would do in your situation based on their boundaries. You dont seem to know where yours are.

 

Length of time in a reltionship is absolutely a BS reason for anything. Anything. This isnt some Workplace Union. What matters is your boundaries, again of which you appear to have none.

 

What is a boundary? If I draw a line in front of you (crosswise), tell you the side you are standing on is "your space" then I step over that line and push you back. What are you going to do?

 

Whatever you do, is "your" boundary whether or not its congruent with your feelings. If its not congruent with your feelings that where the unhappiness starts. Thats were resentment and the like build up.

 

Absolutely cheating is rarely about the act itself in as much as most people dont start a relationship wanting to cheat on their partner. What does happen is they have high hopes for the relationship based on a set of expectation (of which boundaries are a part) formed from their own experiences etc. When those expectations arent being met they have some options:

 

 

1) Leave and find something that does meet their expectations and needs and wants.

 

2) Say something and take action to change the situtation.

 

3) Silently suffer and let resentment build often culminating in "acting out" of which cheating falls into.

 

 

From what you have written I am not surprised she is unhappy. 2 things you have written spring to mind.

 

 

1) You sponging off her. (Your own words. Through college and now living in her house).

 

2) After 8 years you are not married.

 

 

The question I have considering the above and I am sure its the same quesstion she has asked herself several times is: What security does she have being with you?

 

I could be wrong and maybe I am as I dont have all the information at hand. But as one of the other posters above pointed out after 8 years together you are still struggling to "understand what she is feeling." My guess is this would be #3 on the list above for her.

 

 

 

The above should not concern you. What should concern you is dwelling in reality. Have a cold shower, slap your face whatever it is you need to do to wake up. You need to start dwelling in reality. Reality says after 8 years she hasnt gotten much out of being with you and is now considering (if she hasnt done so already aside form the kiss) going outside the relationship, ultimately ending it.

 

If you do want to work on this she will need to want to as well for it to be sucessful. But most of the work is up to you my friend. You will need to show her being with bring security. Thats means no sponging ( move out get your own place) and it means taking steps towards long term. Both are going to entail a heck of a lot of work as this kiss is the first sign you have acknowledged something is wrong. My guess is you dont really listen to her. She has probably given you many signs. Maybe she has told you outright. But this seems to be the first indication that you are acknowledging it.

 

You are also going to have to set boundaries. Again a relationship is not like joining a Union and getting on the seniority list. All that time amounts to nothing. What does matter is peoples behaviours towards each other based on mutually agreed upon "expectations". Wedding vows are explicit expectations for intance people agree upon. In the dating world things are less explicit. What determines expectations of behaviours is your own behaviours especially when someone does something you dont feel is congruant with being in a relationship ie cheating. In short you teach people how to treat you. Thats boundaries.

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You may not like "hearing" what you are reading but people are giving you their honest view.

 

I agree with those who said dump her. All I wuold have needed to read about was that kiss and staying with me for financial reasons.

 

You posted a thread, these are just some of the responses...

 

I agree with what Tyler said about your lack of boundaries and i also agree that years into it don't mean much. If smoeone cheats on day one, is that more of a reason to leave then if they do it on year eight? To me it doesn't matter much. It is the same action that warrants the same reaction.

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Wow, what the hell are all you guys talking about. I’ve been with her for 8 years and she makes one mistake.

 

It doesn't matter how long you have been in a relationship. Cheating can happen at any point. 2 of my friends that were in long term relationships (7 years and 5 years) both got cheated on in the very end.

 

It seems to me that she is unsatisfied with the relationships. I'm not sure what your history is, but it also seems like you guys have had some problems in the past. Honestly, as a female, I think she may just be holding on bc of the fact that the relationship has already lasted 8 years but ultimately, she is not happy being with you.

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What? People...diaries are often meant to be read! Why and how...so what.

 

I suppose that a person shouldn't be upset if thier SO doesn't come home one night as its thier business.

 

I disagree...I would read the entire thing, I would. And then I'd turn a dark red-purple, because I think this is a bad story friend. And for yourself, financial ties aren't ties. She won't grant you any "ties" when she decides to bolt.

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What? People...diaries are often meant to be read! Why and how...so what.

 

I suppose that a person shouldn't be upset if thier SO doesn't come home one night as its thier business.

 

I disagree...I would read the entire thing, I would. And then I'd turn a dark red-purple, because I think this is a bad story friend. And for yourself, financial ties aren't ties. She won't grant you any "ties" when she decides to bolt.

 

Diaries are NOT meant to be read. That's the idea of a diary.

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They are not meant to be read but it always baffles me why a person IN a relationship would even think of creating a diary about things they have been doing behind their partners back. There is always risk of it being read, you might as well just hand them your written confession!

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Well you can rationalize it away as a mistake. But I call it a choice. When people cheat it is a choice, a decision that is often thought out and done. It's not like tripping and falling. Sorry to be blunt, but I think it's necessary to really look at it for what it is if you are hoping to make the relationship work. She won't tell you but now you know. What do you do with that information? I mean, if you approach her and tell her you want to work things out, she'll wonder why. Are you going to tell her that you read her diary? She may throw that back on you and call it your trust issue when it's really her infidelity issue. Then again, it's hard to work on things if only one of you is willing to do the work. I think maybe if you're willing to bite the bullet and just level with her that you know ant that you want to work things out. Then see if she is willing to do the work with you.

 

As for other people responding the way they do...for a lot of people (including myself) cheating is a dealbreaker. A person in a relationship has a lot of options when something isn't going well for them. Cheating is the worst choice. So you can't really fault people for having their dealbreakers and sticking to them.

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The above is spot on.

 

The bolded part you might also say she'll wonder why you want to work it out, because she has already checked out. In her mind it maybe over although I am sure she is trying to rationalize staying with you. After 8 years of not checking-in you suddenly want to? Yeah I think she'll be asking "why now?"

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